Kim Jong Un

Kim Jong Un with "Who, me?" speech bubble
Yeah, you


Yeah, you with the haircut. Listen to me, you stupid bastard.

Nobody wants to invade you. Got that? Nobody wants the hassle. Nobody wants a war on the Korean peninsula. All anyone else cares about is being able to buy the shit they make in South Korea. Because they're capitalists, and capitalists only care about money. Personally, I think they're all fucked in the head, but that's by the by. Having a war would bugger all that up, so it's not going to happen.

The only reason people talk about having a war with you is because you keep making like you're going to start one yourself. And nobody wants a war, so nobody likes the cunt who looks like he's going to kick one off. And that's all about it.

Yeah, for sure we take the piss out of you. You're the only fat person in the entire country and the rest of your people eat grass, of course we take the piss. And your haircut is shit. And you act like a little kid throwing a tantrum all the fucking time. What the fuck else do you expect us to do? Have you seen the sort of things we say about our own leaders? We don't do any of that "worship the leader" bollocks. We do "call the leader a cunt" instead. Basically, that's what "democracy" means: you can call the leader a cunt and not get shot for it. That's why you having "democratic" in the name of your country is another thing we take the piss about.

What you don't seem to get is that taking the piss is all it is. That stuff about human rights abuses under your regime? It's all just talk. Nobody really cares. No fucker is ever going to start a war with you because they don't like your style of government. Half-arsed crap with "sanctions" is as far as we're ever going to go. Haven't you ever wondered why we're so half-arsed about it and why you find it so easy to cheat on us? It's because nobody cares enough to take it any further. We just go through the motions to try and pretend to ourselves that we're less cunty than we used to be.

And we're not going to treat you like we do the Middle East either. Because you haven't got any oil. We only do that sort of thing to places that have oil. Or, very occasionally, something else we want. But you've got no oil at all and fuck all else that anyone wants either, so nothing Middle Easty is going to happen to you.

You can forget about that fucking war in the 1950s as well. Because we have. Yeah, maybe you only ever really see people who haven't, but fuck it, look, most of the people who were actually around at the time are fucking dead now. People remember the Second World War and Vietnam because they were big and/or went on for a long time, but the Korea thing is something people have to look up in history books. Sure North Korea is still basically the same as it was in the 1950s, but the rest of the world isn't, and much of it doesn't even have a very clear idea of what the 1950s were like.

Talking of Vietnam, you do realise that that was why fighting "wars against Communism" went out of fashion? Especially when they're in South East Asia? And you have noticed that since the Soviet Union collapsed, nobody gets their knickers in a twist that much over Communism any more? Because it never really bloody was Communism they were bothered about, it was the Soviet Union, only people are too thick to see the distinction. (If the Soviet Union had been Goberalist rather than Communist it would be Goberalism that people picked to make a fuss about.) And the important thing about the Soviet Union was that it was fucking big. How much we cared about the various little tin-pot communist states around the place depended on how friendly with the Soviet Union they were and how likely they were to be involved with it getting even bigger. Take that out of the picture and they're barely worth noticing.

Nah. The ONLY reason there is any military tension between you and the rest of the world is because you keep winding people up. If you didn't keep yabbering on about nukes and missiles and attacking Japan or Guam or wherever it is this week, nobody would really give a toss what you did.

Kim Jong Un
inspecting crappy model nuke, with speech bubble "Fucksake, you
could at least have tried to make it look like real metal"
What is Korean for "Blue Peter", anyway?

By the way, we do actually realise your nukes and missiles are fucking shite. (At least the people who understand about nukes and missiles do, even if the newspapers don't. That fucking model of a fantasy two-stage thermonuclear warhead, fucksake, it isn't even a good model, what's it made of, wood and silver spray paint? It could hardly make it more obvious that some tit went on the internet and looked up pictures of the W88 and carved something to look like that if it tried.) They're another reason for people to take the piss out of you. Because, like, what's the fucking point? You fucking know you can't use them. You fucking know that if you ever launched a nuke at Japan or Guam or the US or anywhere else the best possible outcome would be if it fell to bits and landed in the sea like they usually do so you could pretend it was only a test. Because if it did get to the target it wouldn't matter that it only went "phut" instead of "bang", the US has shitloads of nukes and they actually work and they would melt your entire fucking country. Or if they didn't China would. You fucking know that China only tolerate you because having things stay the same and not change saves them hassle, and if you start changing things by chucking nukes about they'll save themselves hassle by wiping you out.

What bugs us is that you must surely know all this and yet you keep waving the things about anyway, which makes us worry that you're enough of a nut to use them regardless and not care about having your entire country turned into radioactive glass as a result.

You don't need them as a "bargaining chip" to try and blackmail the rest of the world to give you food. Look. The reason everyone in your country except you has to eat grass is because a third of your country is fucking deadweight. Which is your fault for insisting on having this stupidly bleeding enormous army which you don't fucking need because nobody wants to invade you, like I said. (Not to mention that it's making a rod for your own back as well because it's only places that have far too much army that have to worry about a military coup.)

So what you want to do, right, is stop making everyone be soldiers and have them be farmers instead. Then you won't need other people's food because you'll have your own. (And isn't self-sufficiency what Juche is supposed to be all about? Fucksake. I happen to think autarky is an idea with a lot more going for it than capitalists will admit, but I also have to say that a big reason it has a bad image is that everyone who tries it manages to fuck it up. And failing to provide all your own food pretty much takes the prize for methods of fucking it up.) So then your people won't have to eat grass and they will be properly fed and therefore better at doing all the other things that need to be done. And people won't be able to take the piss out of you for being the only fat one any more. And without all that massive army getting bored plus happier better-fed people there's far less chance of anyone doing a coup. And you can stop worrying about being attacked because nobody will be worrying that you're going to randomly nuke them for no apparent reason any more.

Think about it.

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