Beware of the Yogurt


Contrary to what is widely promulgated, pigeon shit is not a health hazard. Through my close and prolonged association with pigeons, I have long known the health hysteria associated with pigeons to be a load of bollocks. Recently I have been given proof that not only is it a load of bollocks, pigeon shit is actually good for you.

One night, I went to the shop and bought a pot of yogurt. I quite like yogurt - plain yogurt, not this flavoured shit - but there is a difficulty with the packaging; it either comes in pissy little pots that only contain a couple of mouthfuls and so aren't worth buying (and usually have fruit in to make them even less worth buying), or you get a whole pound of it. My normal practice is therefore to get a whole pound of it, and eat the lot.

So this is what I did. I bought a pot of "Longley Farm" unflavoured organic live yogurt, and ate it. It was a really nice yogurt - good flavour, strong but not too strong, nice and thick and creamy, and without any of that horrible runny liquid you get in yogurt that looks like what you piss out the morning after a really heavy night on the booze (if you don't know what I mean by that, you need to drink more, and include several potent but vile concoctions that someone else bought as an experiment and then rejected with the comment that he'd buy free drinks all night for anyone who could manage to down that shit in one). I was happy to have eaten that yogurt.

Unfortunately, my guts did not agree. The next day, my post-breakfast dump was accompanied by horrible gut gripings, and was runny and yellow with streaks of blood in it. The gripings continued after I had finally left the bog, and every few hours my arse would explode. The colour of the result rapidly returned to normal and there was no more blood in it, but the consistency was still up the creek. The gut gripings and periodic arse explosions continued for the best part of a week. To make matters worse, I couldn't even fart with peace of mind, for fear of following through. And every time I had a smoke or a cup of coffee it made it worse.

After several days of this, while sitting down with a cup of coffee (I refuse to be put off my coffee), I had an inspiration. I would consume a medicinal substance that would counteract the ill effects of the dangerous yogurt.

A few days before, one of my pigeons had shat on the back of my mobile phone. I hate phones and very rarely use the thing, so the turd was still there. It had lost most of its moisture, but was still soft. I picked it off the phone, rolled it into a ball, popped it in my mouth and washed it down with a swig of coffee.

The result was dramatic. A warm glow suffused my body and the pain in my guts immediately began to ease off. Over the course of the next few hours my intestinal function returned to its normal state.

So there you have it. Pigeon shit is good for you. It is a highly effective medicine against gutsache induced by dangerous yogurt.

This is not a joke, a wind-up, or a hoax. It is a true story. I really did eat a pigeon turd to cure my gutsache and it really did work.

What gave me the idea? It's not as if I normally go around eating pigeon shit. Call it open-minded thinking, call it divine inspiration - I dunno, I just suddenly thought "I know, I bet if I eat some pigeon shit it'll cure my gutsache." And it did.

Since making this discovery I make sure always to take some samples of pigeon shit with me when I go to visit my parents. My mum's cooking has a tendency to give me the runs, and eating a pigeon turd restores normal functioning.

Addendum: I have recently discovered that some people make yogurt out of fanny batter. I don't know if Longley Farm do this but I would suggest that if anyone tries it they would do well to have a fresh pigeon turd at hand just in case.

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