Freda the Fly

#ThingsThatGetOnMyTits Meals labelled "Serves 2" which aren't even enough for one. Serves 2 what? Chihuahuas?

One reason I would like to visit America is that from what I hear they do actually have a realistic idea of how big a portion ought to be.

Even the largest curries in Tesco are only 550g or something. I could quite happily eat two at a time, and sometimes do.

I don't understand how there are fat people in this country. They must start making the next meal as soon as they finish the last one.

What's even odder is that there are so many fat people in low income brackets. Where do they get the money from for all that food?

"Recommended daily calorie intake" actually works out to one fuck of a lot of food. You have to spend all your time eating to eat that much.

And buying that much food is fucking expensive. Yet people not only manage it, they manage to greatly exceed it. This baffles me.

I reckon I probably manage to put away about half the recommended daily calorie intake. I have difficulty avoiding falling down drains.

I also find myself making heavy use of artificial heating to compensate for the metabolic heat I'm not producing. It's cheaper that way.

If only the body was better at recycling things and could synthesise everything it needed instead of having to eat ready-synthesised stuff.

It would make life so much easier if all you needed was energy and so could get by drinking half a pint of oil a day. And so much cheaper.

Just to be better at digesting would be a good start. It's quite horrifying comparing the volume of what I eat with the volume of my shit.

ALL THAT STUFF I've had to pay for and shove down my neck and yet most of it comes straight out the other end, still with lots of energy in.

Even supposedly digestible stuff. I deliberately select high-fat foods for maximum energy content but all it does is make my turds float.

Maybe I ought to try eating soap instead of fat. It's essentially pre-digested fat after all, maybe I'd absorb it more efficiently.

But since life is generally a bitch, I suspect that it wouldn't work and all that'd happen is I'd do shits with bubbles in.

That does raise the idea of packaging and selling it as candy bars for flies. Unfortunately flies don't have money, so that fucks that idea.

But people have money, and are often stupid. Maybe I could convince enough people that flies need feeding to make the idea profitable.

After all, people's idea of whether to help a species or not is generally based not on how rare it is, but how cute it is.

Flies, of course, are not cute. They are in fact hideously fucking ugly. But they're so small that you can't actually tell they're not cute.

Maybe a cartoon series whose hero was a cute, smiley fly, with associated cuddly fly merchandise and stuff, would make people like flies.

It works for mice, after all. Nobody liked mice before Mickey. So why not flies?

Could be "Freda Fly" and she goes round helping people. Saving them from the Bottom Inspectors by picking off winnits and things like that.

Before long kids would be begging to be allowed to "leave their shit out for Freda" and buying Aeroshit bars as treats for her etc.

Could be quite profitable. And there'd be the profits from the cartoon/merchandise franchise as well. This is one to take to Dragon's Den.

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