I have a forum stalker

One way in which I while away my idle minutes on the internet is to participate in various online fora. Notable among these are the Chew The Fat forum, the Barclay James Harvest forum and Pistonheads, though I'm not on there so much these days.

However, this story concerns a different forum (one to which I will not provide the link, because it is a private forum). The forum is tightly moderated and all discussions are conducted in a most decorous manner and are nearly all the sort of material you could quite happily show to your Auntie Mabel.

However, it does attract the occasional fruitloop. One such has a habit of responding to anything I post with half a page of formless dribble ending with the words I LOVE YOU x x x (occasionally he also feels the need to assert that he is not gay). And he doesn't stop there. Look at what I received on the forum's private messaging system, completely unsolicited and out of the blue:

hiya Pigeon, how are u?

this may sound strange, and the opposite of fashionable, but..........do u want to be penpals? we can chat in private about the forum, waffle on? ok how much waffle will u allow yourself to read in this message? still reading now? waffle............wafflewaffle........and now? well u might just maybe want to answer these questions when there is nothing to post on left

1. do u wish the forum was busier? i wish it was 10 times busier, but then is what they will find good and only good? i think church helps me with perspective a lot

2. have we had our minds warped?

3. are u happy? im happy but i need £10000 to buy everything i want/need.....im as happy as ive ever been, but material things i want NOW! GIVE ME MONEY! (not u, unless u wanna? doubtful)

4. i dont buy Nuts any more, i just.....lol............use one of my old ones

( omg personal..........lol, ask or not ask.......ok, i promise im not gay (dont know why i had to mention that then) -

5. Do u do a lot of wanking? u must do seeing although u dont have a gf. I have a..................lmao................latex vagina in a replica torch shaped plastic holder....................lmao..............please do not pass any of this info on!!! i WILL kill u!..........lol..........ok i obviously wont, im a Christian.......

I would much recommend u getting one of these.....its 3 times better than wanking! u have to buy lube for it tho, i get my gay mate to buy me that, lol.

6. are u going to repeat any of this ever? i hope not, but it would be nice for u to confirm and promise this

7. im not trying to turn u on, do u trust me? i hope so. Then i can boast about my device, it vibrates and it makes me not need a gf, go get one, give me a review

ok, im done....if u want to not answer any of these, thats fine. i knew u lol at least once tho which im so pleased for u! and i will also know that u will already have a latex vagina/mouth/arse, or u will have within a week.......

Remember, if u know something, God knows the same......i already burnt all wanking bridges.......might as well continue!

Love from your dearest online friend!

Forby x x x

ps. I BET THISFUCKER ISNT PRIVATE IS IT?

pps. WELL IN THE INTEREST OF PEOPLE BEING TOO NOSEY, CHECK THIS OUT PIDGE......FUCK OFF xxxx, FUCK OFF xxxx, FUCK OFF xxxx, FUCK OFF xxxx!

ppps. i take that back, im sorry.........i love u xx

The people he is telling to "fuck off" whose names I have deleted are the owner of the forum and all the admins/mods. He also has no idea about my sex life, but he appears to be happy to make assumptions about it...

"I bet this fucker isn't private", too right it fucking isn't matey, it absolutely demands to be put on my website and published as widely as possible to show what kind of revolting sick-minded nutcases I have to put up with. Not to mention that its publication constitutes some form of "prior record" for the police if I should one day find at my front door some guy with a fifteen-inch rubber cock.

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