Here is a very important message to anyone contemplating using a contact form on their website instead of simply providing an email address:
DON'T FUCKING BOTHER. BECAUSE WEB CONTACT FORMS ARE FUCKING SHITE.
Why are they fucking shite? Because they DON'T FUCKING WORK. At least nine times out of ten they don't. They are utterly sodding useless.
And what is even worse, they do not fucking work even when they claim they have. They say "Thank you for your message" or whatever, and then just drop it on the fucking floor and no bugger ever receives it. Not working in the first place is bad enough, but lying about it as well sucks syphilitic elephants' cocks and drinks their come.
Sometimes it is possible to identify a specific reason why they don't work. Usually it isn't, though, and even when it is it is NEVER a good reason but ALWAYS some variation on "this contact form was coded by a stupid bastard who had no idea what he was fucking doing and should never have been let near a computer in the first place and should also give back whatever they paid him for doing it because he's done such a shit job he has no right to keep it and if he refuses then they ought to sue the cunt". Some of these reasons are listed below, though be aware that the list is not exhaustive...
The form includes a captcha which doesn't fucking work. I don't mean it doesn't work because it's too hard to read the bastard thing to figure out what to type in. I mean it doesn't work because it doesn't make any fucking difference what you type in, it just fucking rejects it regardless. Or the fucking image never gets loaded in the first place. Or the "submit" button is part of the captcha and nothing fucking happens when you click it. Or some other fucking stupid shitty thing.
Third party captchas also attract an abnormally high percentage of cookie wankers so again it is safe to assume they won't work. And then there are the ones which use for the image an actual photo of some fuzzy numbers or something. Fucking NEVER use these because they are GIANT SLIMY CUNTS. What they are doing is sneakily using unsuspecting humans to read the number because some fucking computer somewhere can't read it, so they farm it out in a captcha and take the most common response as being correct. And their fucking computer shouldn't be fucking trying to read it in the first place because it's none of their fucking business. It's some poor bastard's house number or something and they are trying to collect even personal data which isn't on the internet as well as that which is. By using these cunting things you are helping some bunch of faceless corporate bastards to splurge some poor schmuck's address all over the fucking internet for no fucking reason at all except that they might get 0.000000001 of a cent out of it and they are such ginormous cunts that they do this shit to enough people to make that worthwhile. So NEVER USE THESE BASTARDS' SHITE and tell them to stuff their fucking sneaky devious nasty cunting shite up their fucking arse and follow it with a roll of barbed wire to keep it in there.
And then there is the thing which is possibly the commonest of the lot - that the third party captcha won't work purely and simply because it is fucking shite and it is never going to work. The people who code them are such incredible fucking morons that having the thing fail because they code on the basis of invalid assumptions about what resources are available is less common than having it fail because they simply can't code at all and what they have written is a load of festering shite. I have come across bollock-arsed fucked-up shitty non-working captchas in enough situations where I care enough about the result that I don't just fuck off and try somewhere else that I have on several occasions gone right down to brass tacks trying to figure out what's wrong with the fucking things, sending HTTP requests by hand and parsing the responses by brain to work out what to put in the next HTTP request, and nothing fucking works. No matter how meticulously I ensure that there is no possibility of a client-side error there is no fucking way at all I can get an affirmative response from the server. Because the so-called code running on the server is a complete and utter pile of shite and I could eat a handful of punched cards and puke better code than that.
The form does not work because some cunt-arsed anti-spam bollocks is giving a false positive, so the smeg-munching piece of shit just drops the message on the floor and says nothing about it. Yes, you stupid bastards, I have put the same text in both the "first name" and "last name" fields which you have made fucking compulsory, for no fucking reason because the reply email address is all you fucking need. This is because my name is Pigeon and because there is only one fucking word then of course the "first" and "last" word are the fucking same, you cunts. Yes, the reply email address is of the form derivation-of-your-domain-name@my-domain-name because that way if some spamming shit gets hold of it I will (a) know whose fault it was (looking at you, Plusnet) and (b) be able to stop the spam cold by simply deleting the entry in /etc/aliases. It doesn't mean I'm a fucking spammer, it means I don't trust you not to be, you cunts. Or whatever other thoughtless/stereotypical/bigoted/just plain bleeding idiotic fucking expectation you have pulled out of your arse about what a non-spam message ought to look like which bears no correlation with reality and so I have no idea I'm tripping up on it. I've managed to identify the two specific examples above from the odd occasion when I finally have managed to shove a message through the wall of shitness by some means other than the form and get a reply to it, but there is no reason at all to believe there aren't a whole fuck load more such things which are even more dickheaded. Sort your fucking crappy algorithm out or at the very least check the fucking rejected messages for false positives by hand and fucking do something about them.
The form does not work because whoever wrote it was a fucking dick and doesn't have a clue, so their code is of a quality inferior to that of punched-card vomit. Like with captchas. How any cunt can be so bleeding thick as to cock up sticking a bunch of text into a database with a "new" flag on it or just firing it off to an SMTP server and not even realise would be almost beyond belief were it not for the manifest existence of even more cunts who don't realise the piece of shit the first cunt has given them doesn't fucking work and so allow said first cunt to keep getting away with it.
The form actually does work, but the message goes to a cunt who drops it on the floor. Undoubtedly this does happen, but not very often because the cunt usually just never gets to see the fucking message because the software is shite.
The form does not work for fuck only knows what reason. As I said at the beginning, it is only in some cases that it is possible to glean any inkling as to why the cunt doesn't work. Much of the time it is just being a cunt - a cuntish cunty cuntlike cuntsome cuntulous cunting cunt - and that is all that can be said. It is, however, enough.
For fuck's sake just don't bother with the fucking contact form, just cut the cackle and post up a plain ordinary simple fucking email address. Yes, it'll get spammed. Tough shit. Deal with it. We all get fucking spam and we all fucking hate it but it's a case of shit or get off the pot: until the world comes to its senses and makes any form of advertising as unacceptable as paedophilia, you either get used to calling the spammers a cunt and deleting their crap or never use email at all. Do not make it even more shit for people who are trying to make proper use of it just because you can't get at the cunts who made it shit in the first place.
And if you must use a contact form - for a start make fucking sure you still include the plain email address as well, and to go on with code the fucking thing yourself and make sure it works. It is not hard. This is why the whole business is so especially fucking infuriating: making it work is easy, while making a piece of shit that does not work is more difficult than making something that does work. The reasons these fucking contact forms don't work all boil down to fucking idiots stuffing them full of pointless shit that doesn't need to fucking be there in the first place, and making one that does work is basically a matter of not bothering to go to all the effort of figuring out how to make one that doesn't.
Stupid, stupid, fucking stupid fucking fucking shit.
Back to Crap Stuff
Back to Pigeon's Nest
Be kind to pigeons