Fucked-Up Milk

This page is about crapness of milk. Milk, the stuff that comes out of cows. You wouldn't think milk could be crap, would you? It isn't, not in its original condition. But you can't get it in its original condition, unless you have your own cows. For everyone who is not a dairy farmer, the situation is one of being doomed to inevitable crapness of milk, because of the way the milk is fucked about with by the tossers who form the intermediate stages between cow and consumer.

I'm prepared to accept pasteurisation. Pasteurised milk isn't as nice as milk straight from the cow but the difference is not massive, and the undeniable advantage of having the milk not go off so quickly is reasonable compensation. It's the other shit they do to it that really gets on my tits.

The principal evil is homogenisation. Why, why, for fuck's sake why? The vast majority of milk you can buy has been put through this fucking stupid shit process. It's a real bastard trying to find milk that hasn't. And homogenising milk seriously fucks it up. It doesn't taste right when you drink it straight. It's even worse when you put it in tea. Tea with homogenised milk is pretty gross. It's so gross that after drinking a few cups of it I begin to feel ill. This does not happen when the tea is made with proper, non-fucked-up milk.

And then there's top-of. Or rather, there isn't. I like to put the top-of on my breakfast cereal. It really pisses me off when the milk is fucked about with so there isn't any top-of. And there is no fucking justification for ruining the bloody milk like this. It's a completely stupid idea.

When milk is produced by the cow, the fat droplets are enclosed in micelles by emulsifying compounds specially designed for the purpose. The size of the droplets and the nature of the emulsifying compounds are crucial to the flavour of the milk and even more so to that of tea made with the milk. The homogenisation process involves forcing the milk at high pressure through microscopic holes which are smaller than the fat droplets. This strips off the coat of special emulsifiers and breaks the fat droplets into smaller pieces. An emulsion state is then recreated by the fat droplets picking up any old molecule that has separate hydrophilic and lyophilic regions; there are all sorts of potential emulsifiers in the milk apart from those designed for the purpose.

Because the fat droplets are now smaller and encased in the wrong molecules, the milk doesn't taste right, and it makes foul tea. And there is no practical way of reversing the process. Yes, there are all sorts of chemicals you could add to make the droplets aggregate into larger particles, but then the milk would taste of those chemicals, and it still wouldn't solve the problem of the droplets not being encased in the right emulsifiers. So the milk is fucked, and you can't unfuck it.

And WHAT THE FUCK IS IT FOR? It stops the cream separating out. But it DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER if the cream separates out. You just shake the milk container for two seconds and it's all mixed back in again. Or you can leave it separated and put it on your cereal. You have the choice, milk with all the cream mixed in or milk with some of the cream mixed in and some of it on your cereal. Either way, you can still make decent tea with it. Neither of these advantages are present with this fucking homogenised shit.

It wouldn't be such a problem if there was a choice available when buying the milk. But the trouble is that most of the time there isn't. You go to the corner shop to get milk, and it's all fucking homogenised. You go to the supermarket, and they have racks and racks of milk, and it's all been fucked up. There may be six inches of shelf space for non-homogenised milk, and if you're lucky they haven't run out of stock, but it's still a fuck of a lot more expensive than the vast array of fucked-up shit. If I ever meet the cunt who invented this foul process, I'll put his fucking blood through the homogeniser and transfuse it back into him, that'll teach him the value of leaving nature's encapsulations alone.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? When I was a lad you couldn't get homogenised milk. The filthy idea hadn't arisen. Bloody good job. But now you can hardly get milk that isn't homogenised. For fuck's sake, why? The best idea I can come up with is that it's something to do with this stupid bastard health and fat bollocks. The human race has been drinking cow's milk for thousands of years and we're still here, and now all of a sudden it's bad for you? Fuck off. It's only a problem for greedy fat fuckers who eat too much anyway. But loads of divs seem to believe it. I suppose the idea of the homogenisation thing is that divs who believe milk is bad for you will think it's less bad for you if the fat content doesn't make its presence obvious by separating out. So everyone has to drink shit milk because of a small number of fat idiots.

And this same crap idea is responsible for an even worse abomination: semi-skimmed milk. What a fucking hideous load of muck that is. You go round to someone's house. "Would you like a cuppa?" "Yes please." "With milk?" "Yes please." Then you get given a cup of tea with some vile-tasting filth in it that has nothing in common with milk apart from the colour. Fucking semi-skimmed milk? You might as well water down white emulsion paint and put that in the tea. It'd probably taste better if you did. What the fuck is the point of having some shit that pretends to be milk but is nothing like milk at all? If you want milk, use milk. If you want white shit that tastes revolting, use paint. But don't use some filthy muck that pretends to be one thing and acts like the other. Especially don't try and inflict that pretence on anyone else. And if you're worried about getting fat then don't fucking eat so much, there were no fat people in Belsen.


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