Parkway stations

Look. Sticking "Parkway" on the end of the name of a station does NOT make it all swish and flashy and modern or whatever fucking stupid phrase you have come up with which is supposed to mean those things but does not actually mean anything. All it does is advertise that the station is shit and is only there because people are too thick to realise that it was already understood to be a shit idea a hundred years ago or more.

The Victorians used to do this a lot in the early days of railways. Some town was inhabited by stupid bastards who fought like mad to keep the railway out of it, or some other town was inconveniently located in relation to the proposed route and the railway company just couldn't be arsed to address the matter properly. (Choose any example you like, because there were fuck loads of both types.)

Either way, what happened was that instead of building Bellend station in the town of Bellend, they built it five miles away in the middle of nowhere and called it "Bellend Road" and reckoned this was good enough.

Of course, it wasn't. It was shit. But people in those days had no other choice than the railway if they wanted to go anywhere. So they didn't. They stayed where they were and the station remained this useless construction in the middle of nowhere with trains stopping at it as if there was some point in stopping and nobody getting on or off. Later on, cars happened and people forgot the railway even existed and the station got closed and now you can't even tell where it was any more. (Although Bodmin Road station got lucky and just had its name changed to Bodmin Parkway, providing direct evidence that it's nothing more than a new name for the same old crappy idea.)

You'd have thought that people would have realised that if a railway is supposed to go somewhere it does need to actually go there and not just wave at the place from five miles away. And indeed, they did. Later on in the Victorian era when they built a railway they would go to a great effort to make sure it did go properly through the towns even if it did make it a huge pain in the arse to build and cost shit loads of extra money. And the town would be keen to help them and might even pay some of the extra themselves if the railway was lucky.

But these days, the stupid bastards are in charge of everything and now they are far too fucking thick to understand this really obvious thing even if someone explains it to them nice and slowly using short words in a loud clear voice.

These days things happen like the town of Cockerton is always complaining because Ernest Marples was a corrupt grafting piece of shit and Barbara Castle was just a twat, and consequently Cockerton doesn't have a railway any more. But there is a railway somewhere in the same county which you can find on the same sheet of the map as Cockerton is on if you unfold it right out. So some stupid bastard builds a station way over there and calls it "Cockerton Parkway" and gets his photo in the local paper standing on the platform with a mixture of other stupid bastards and some building contractors who have just taken them for several million pounds, all wearing stupid grins following their celebratory group wank.

Fucksake. As if calling it "Cockerton Parkway" instead of "Cockerton Road" made any sodding difference. It's a long bleak platform in the middle of a fucking field which is handy for exactly nowhere and occasionally a train stops at it to piss its passengers off with the waste of time. It was a fucking stupid idea when the Victorians did it and it's still a fucking stupid idea now.

Indeed it's even more of a fucking stupid idea now because now people do have an alternative to railways. They have cars and they can just drive all the way instead. After all what the fuck else can you do in any case when the train tips you out in Farmer Giles's field and lands you with a ten mile walk so now you really need your car only it's back at the other end, I mean how the fuck is it that people who come up with these stupid ideas don't get that?

Stations are for people to get on and off trains. So they need to be where people are and where people want to go. Towns are where people are and where people want to go. So stations need to be in towns. Not bleeding miles away from the towns where there aren't any people and nobody wants to go there and they aren't even useful as pigeon roosts.

So fuck off with this "Parkway" shit. Do it properly and reopen the old station in the town and stop trying to make out that one half way across the county is a valid alternative, because it patently fucking isn't.

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