This is a picture out of the local paper which was used to illustrate an article about a proposal to get rid of a lot of road signs. It does not actually match the content of the article, which was stupid. According to the text the proposal relates to direction signs. You know, the useful things that tell you where to go, with stuff like "Cuntsville 3 miles ==>" on them. Some stupid council cunt has got it into their head that there are too many of them, fuck only knows why, and wants to take them down. Yeah, fuck you, cuntface, you might know your way around but people who don't live here don't. Wouldn't it be great if someone started handing out free maps of the city to confused-looking drivers with "If you don't know where the fuck you're going, it's THIS CUNT'S FAULT" written on them and a big red arrow pointing to where his house is.
It seems that the local paper couldn't find any photos of shit direction signs to illustrate the article with, which isn't surprising because there aren't any to have pictures of. Instead they looked through their archives and found a picture from a few months back showing some road signs which are shit and do need to be got rid of - one might hope that their choice was intended as a hint to the council to convey the message of "fuck the bloody direction signs, they're fine, it's this sort of stupid fucking bollocks you really ought to be doing something about". Signs like this are a nationwide menace: the signs of the Roadwork Cunts.
I mean just look at it. What the pissing fuck is this moronic
installation supposed to achieve? They have fenced off a section of
road which HAS NO BLODDY ROADWORKS ON, for absolutely no fucking
reason whatsoever, and then installed fucking temporary traffic lights
to help people past the obstruction. Except that the fucking
obstruction shouldn't fucking be there in the first place. They aren't
doing anything on that fucking bit of road. The fucking hole is in the
pavement, on the left, behind the sign with the white stripe across it
(no, you can't read it in the original pic printed in the paper
either). They have not made any sort of hole in the actual fucking
road and therefore the only possible result that fencing off that bit
can achieve is to fuck up the traffic flow and piss everyone off. This
proves that they are cunts because otherwise they wouldn't do that.
Yes, there is some yellow paint on that bit of road and maybe they are
going to dig it up later on. But they are not fucking digging it up
now, so they can fucking well take their fucking signs and
bollards and stick them up their arse on the fucking verge
until they actually fucking need them.
It's not like it's some side street either that's only got lots of cars on it because the Roadwork Cunts are holding them all up. It's the fucking A44. It's one of the fucking main roads in and out of the city. It's always got lots of cars on it. Hey, yeah, let's just block up the direct feed between the city centre and the M5 for no fucking reason at all and then fuck off down the pub and leave it like that (you could see the pub if the photographer had been ten feet taller). Stupid fucking twats. If I had walked past there I would have picked up all the signs and shit and moved them out of the fucking way, as an act of public service and benefit to the city. And that is what the fucking council ought to be fucking doing. Not getting rid of the signs that are useful and tell people where they are going, but getting rid of the signs that are utterly fucking useless and do nothing but get in the fucking way and fuck everyone off.
Roadwork Cunts also manifest themselves on a larger scale which requires a map rather than a photograph for proper elucidation. These Roadwork Cunts are the ROAD CLOSED Sign Roadwork Cunts. Instead of just blocking off a few yards of one side of the road, they block off a few miles of the whole fucking thing. And nearly all of the time there is just as complete a lack of any fucking reason for it as there is in the case of the traffic light cunts illustrated above.
ROAD CLOSED signs are a load of fucking shite. They do NOT mean the road is impassable. Not unless you are VERY unlucky. I can remember only ONE instance of encountering a ROAD CLOSED sign and finding that it was genuinely not possible to get through - there was a trench across the entire width of the road, no room to get round it on the verge, and no big planks or iron plates lying around to put across it. That's the only time I have EVER had to turn around and go back. On every other fucking occasion, EVERY other occasion, the ONLY thing getting in the way has been the fucking ROAD CLOSED signs themselves and the associated bollards. After dodging round the side of them - or moving the fucking things out of the way if necessary - there is bloody ALWAYS a completely clear, empty road, with fuck all happening on it, no obstructions, no nothing, not even people standing around drinking tea. It has been no problem of any kind to drive down it and the only justification for the fucking ROAD CLOSED signs has been that whoever put them there is a cuntarsed piece of fucking shit, which doesn't count.
On one occasion I was heading up the B4451 towards Southam, via Deppers Bridge from the south - the route highlighted in green on the map, coming in from the bottom. Just before the bridge over the stream heading out of Deppers Bridge, I encountered the fuckarsery of the Roadwork Cunts, variety ROAD CLOSED Sign. At this point the goat-felching wank-stains had decided to make every fucker turn round and go back on themselves and round the route highlighted in fucking purple, which is something like three times the fucking distance. For no fucking reason except cuntery, and there wasn't even some bod standing there to offer people a pint of petrol to make up for it.
I followed my normal procedure of dodging round the side of the stupid fucking ROAD Not Fucking CLOSED At All sign and carrying on as normal. And "normal" is exactly what it was, because as expected there was fuck all going on. Nothing had happened to the road at all. Some buggers had been digging up the verge, but they weren't there now, and the only thing they had left behind was some bollards along the edge of the trench they'd dug. There wasn't even any plant lying about. There was absolutely fuck nothing to get in the way at all until I got to the other end and had to dodge the bollards and shit there to get out.
Fucking load of fucking shite. Road fucking closed my fucking arse. There was nothing fucking wrong with it at all and they had just left it blocked while they weren't even fucking there, let alone digging it up, for no fucking reason whatsoever except that they were too bleeding lazy-arsed to take the fucking signs down when they went home. Because they are cunts.
And it is ALWAYS like that. Fucking shitbags think it's OK to send people miles out of their fucking way for absolutely fucking nothing and don't give a flying toss about how much of a pain in the arse they are being. Well they can stick their fucking ROAD CLOSED signs up their own fucking arse and maybe then they'll find out.
Of course, they wouldn't be so keen on being Road Closed Sign Roadwork Cunts if there weren't so many Road Closed Sign Roadwork Cunt Divvies. On the right is an article about some Road Closed Sign Roadwork Cunt Divvies out of the local paper. There are so many things in that article that are shit and wrong and fucking pathetic that it's hard to know where to start, but that's what tends to happen when things involve people who just flap their hands and go "waaah it's so awful" and haven't even got enough gumption to fucking swear about it, let alone sort it out.
Below the article is an OS map showing the area where this happened. The area under development (according to the planning document) is highlighted in blue. Dilmore Lane is the road highlighted in green, and it is the stretch of it passing the site which has been afflicted by Road Closed Sign Roadwork Cunts. "Lower Town, Claines" in the article refers to Lower Town marked on the map. Fuck knows why they tagged it "Claines"; Claines is off the map a couple of miles to the south-west of Lower Town and is fuck all to do with it.
Let's start right at the very end of the article, with the statement that the council "advertised the road closure as normal". Yeah, no doubt they did, so it's no bleeding wonder nobody knew about it. Their idea of "normal" is to cable-tie a laminated sheet of A4 covered in fine print to various lamp-posts. The size of the print is such that you can't even read the fucking title unless you stop and get out of your car and go and peer at it. You probably still can't even then, because the rain has got inside the lamination and it's gone all manky. And even if you can it doesn't do you any fucking good because of the style the bastard thing's written in. The council have a way of referring to roads and landmarks which fails to coincide with the way every other bugger on the planet refers to them and which is so mind-bogglingly obscure that even if you fucking live on the road it's talking about you still have no bleeding idea what the cunting shit the sodding thing's going on about. And the same applies to the other "advertisement" which is the same text crammed into two column inches of tiny print in a subsection of the small ads in the local paper which nobody ever reads.
Right, well now that's over we can get on with the LP. Let's look at the signs in the photograph. "Road Ahead Closed" we've already dealt with. "No Through Road" is just the same thing; it's probably there precisely because it isn't true to put people off checking. And "Access To Frontages Only" is a dead giveaway, because that means that it's overwhelmingly likely that you can get through and all the signs are just a load of fucking arse.
This is actually CONFIRMED further on in the article, by the local resident who says the developers are using the road themselves to go in and out, "allowing their own workers down there". Fucksake sunshine, who gives a living shit about fucking "allowed". Just fucking drive down it. They're not going to seriously try and stop you if you don't make it look like you're going to stop. Tank on through and if they do try and get in the way give it the revs and lights and horn and middle finger and keep on going, fuck the shitheaded wankers, they can fuck off. If they're there at all that is.
That bloke is just what a Road Closed Sign Roadwork Cunt Divvy is. They only get away with it because of feeble pathetic twats like him who whine about words on a fucking sign and haven't got enough intelligence to realise that they can perfectly well be ignored and fucking well should be.
The people in the picture are also Road Closed Sign Roadwork Cunt Divvies. Fuck standing there having your fucking photo taken with your hands on the signs, use your fucking hands and pick the bloody things up and throw them in the ditch. They're just fucking words. Take no fucking notice of them. I bet if there was a sign saying "Stand Here While We Shit On Your Head" they'd fucking go and do it.
In fact it looks as if the entire bleeding group of houses is solely inhabited by Road Closed Sign Roadwork Cunt Divvies, since after all being a Road Closed Sign Roadwork Cunt Divvy is only a comparatively minor subcategory of being a Massive Pathetic Spineless Wimp Twat Divvy, and they are sure as fuck that all right. I mean, fucking look at it - "too scared" to drive down the alternative routes. Scared of what for fuck's sake? They're perfectly ordinary bog standard country lanes. For sure they're not 10 metre carriageways with 2 metre verges or whatever, but why the fuck should they be? If you want all roads to be like that then go and live in fucking America. If you live in the English countryside then what the fuck kind of roads do you fucking expect? They're fucking country lanes, just like you get all over the country, and a fuck sight more civilised than the ones you get in some bits of it. If you're "too scared" to drive on a perfectly ordinary fucking road then you are by your own admission not competent to be in charge of a motor vehicle and it's high time you handed in your licence.
...Oh, it says scared of what. "...after dark". That's what those two great big fucking lights on the front of your car are for, you benighted moron. What the fuck are you trying to do, 120mph? (As if.) The roads "have potholes". WHOOP-DE-BLOODY-DO. Are you riding one of these shit racing bicycles with such weak and lightweight wheels that they can barely support the weight of the rider and crumple at a touch? No, you're not, you're driving a fucking car, and it has normal wheels and it has suspension, so stop being such a fucking twat. And "there's water on them". YOU'VE GOT A FUCKING LAND ROVER FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE FUCKING DESIGNED FOR. What sort of fuckwit jellyhead are you? Having your picture taken complaining about potholes and water and your FUCKING LAND ROVER is clearly visible behind you? And it's even a real Land Rover and not one of the crappy modern plastic ones? WHY THE CUNTING FUCK DID YOU BOTHER TO BUY THE FUCKING THING IF THE ONE THING IT'S REALLY GOOD FOR IS THE ONE THING YOU REFUSE TO DO WITH IT? These are the kind of sludgebrains you meet in places like the Lake District stopped a foot out from the edge of the road in case the stone wall leaps from its place and scratches the paint, scared to put two wheels up on the verge to let someone past even though they're in a four wheel drive vehicle which is designed to have all four wheels up on the fucking verge and not have a problem with it. The sort of twats that when it's me coming the other way I unhesitatingly stick two wheels of my not-in-the-least-off-roady two-wheel-drive car up on the verge and then floor it through the gap with three inches clearance as fast as it'll go, as a metaphorical performance art substitute for getting out of the car and screaming "YOU MINDLESS PATHETIC MORONIC WIMPS" in their faces, which is too much hassle and in any case doesn't work because they're too thick to understand what it means.
Same with the divvy next down in the article. "Very dangerous situation", oh FUCK OFF. You don't know what that fucking means. You've never done anything more dangerous than going up the stairs without holding on to the banisters. "Very lucky if nobody has a nasty accident". No, it's not down to fucking luck, it's down to fucking competence. Where "luck" comes in is for every other bugger on every other road that these tits drive on, in terms of not happening to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when some fucking complete divot who is so incompetent behind the wheel that they can be "scared" driving on a perfectly normal road, and so unaware of their incompetence that instead of doing something about it they brag about it in the fucking local paper, decides to give a practical demonstration of their incompetence on the A38 at the expense of whatever other poor sod's car happens to be nearest.
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