Selfridges in Birmingham


Selfridges in Birmingham, which looks bleeding awful

No, it is NOT a "triumph of modern architecture" or any of the other phrases of wanky shitness which have been used to describe it. It is BLEEDING AWFUL. It is utter dogshit. It is about the most ridiculously stupid-looking building I can think of. How the fuck it ever managed to get planning permission I cannot for the life of me understand. Backhanders, I suppose, but they must have been sodding huge ones and there must be a juicy and epic tale of council corruption just waiting for some enterprising journalist to uncover.

It looks like one of the inhabitants of the planet on which Roger set down to repair his planetoid, except that they are nowhere described as having a big plastic tube stuck up their arse. It is a great shame that the architects didn't try a trial construction on that planet and suffer the consequences. It is even more of a shame that they aren't going to suffer similar consequences on this planet; it might provide some of their colleagues with an incentive to take their heads out of their fucking arses and stop coming out with such ludicrous shit.

What the fuck is it with architects that makes them such fucking idiots? It doesn't matter a festering fuck that such abortions as this attract the approval of other architects, because they are all as bleeding mad as each other and probably eat dogshit for breakfast while praising its aesthetic qualities. What is important is how their shit looks to normal people, since it is normal people who have to spend their time looking at the fucking things. Architects are not normal people. Normal people would never dream of hollowing out a giant turd and putting a shop inside it. Normal people would just build a shop, and it would look like a shop, and the only puddles of puke near it would be from people who were pissed, not from people who just walked past sober and failed to avoid looking at the thing.

Architects: stop listening only to other people who are just as fucked in the head as you are yourselves. Listen to Prince Charles. He knows a fuck sight more about what makes a building look decent than any fucking architect does, and he will be king one day and hopefully will then chop all the architects' heads off while all the public stand around cheering. He may not count as exactly "normal", since he is a prince and all that, but he is a fucking sight more sensible than a fucking architect. All new architectural designs should be submitted to Prince Charles for approval, and subject to his veto: that way we won't have to put up with stupid shit like Birmingham Selfridges.

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