Some Notes on UK Slang and Swearing
This is not intended to be an exhaustive guide to UK slang and swearing. It is simply a glossary
of UK-specific references to be found on this website, such as slang, swearing and road markings, that it occurs to me may
fail to convey their full meaning to readers who are not from these
shores. Especially Americans, because they don't understand a lot of
things, including really obvious things like not wanting to die
doesn't make you a communist and black people aren't there for cops to
use for target practice, but also other people who don't know British
shit. So, for example, it
assumes that you know what "fuck" means, but not where you might find
yellow lines in the UK. It's also really out of date because I keep
forgetting it's here so there are probably lots of things on this site
that ought to be listed on here but aren't.
Bog The thing you sit on to have a
crap. Or the room it's in.
Bollocks Literally, the testicles. Figuratively,
means "nonsense", "preposterous", "ridiculous", with some implication that the utterer of the
nonsense should have known better. Like "don't talk crap". Strangely, saying that something is
"the bollocks", or "the dog's bollocks" (as opposed to just "bollocks") means it's
really good.
Bloody Generic English swear word. Can be used anywhere
you might say "fucking" (except in the literal sense), but not so strong. It has declined with
time - it used to be as strong as "fucking" but now is rather less so; indeed not that many
people use it any more; people say "fucking" instead.
Can't be arsed Can't be bothered. Unwilling
to put the effort in. Unwilling to think about putting the effort in. Unwilling to think about
thinking about putting the effort in... but entirely willing to think "fuck this, let's do
something else". Or "...let's do nothing".
Chicken's tits Means "oh for fuck's sake",
only not so strong.
Dead and chewed Generic
expression of negativity, applicable to any situation regardless of
its objective significance. Going to make a pot of tea and finding
you've only got enough tea to make half a pot is dead and chewed.
Genocide is also dead and chewed. Tony Blair is dead and chewed.
Margaret Thatcher was dead and chewed. Not
being able to fix something because it's been made so that you can't
get it apart without destroying it is dead and chewed. You get the
idea...
Fag Cigarette. Fag end: cigarette butt. Fag packet:
packet/carton of cigarettes. It doesn't mean "homosexual" unless the context is decidedly
American.
Fanny Cunt. Not arse. (Nor ass.)
Fuckwit Extremely stupid person. Someone who is not only
living proof that the human species descended from an ape-like ancestor, but that that ancestor
descended from something else, which descended from something else, which descended from something
else, all the way back until you get to something which is fucking stupid. Like blue-green algae.
The character Terry Fuckwitt in Viz is actually quite
intelligent for a fuckwit.
Monkey metal Crappy brittle aluminium- or
aluminium/zinc-based casting alloy. Weak, wears rapidly, strips or seizes threads (or both at the
same time), corrodes badly. More generally, any crappy metal with these properties.
MoT Annual government roadworthiness test for motor vehicles.
Stands for "Ministry of Transport"; should strictly be "MoT test" but everyone just calls it
"the MoT".
Neptune's kiss The phenomenon where some of the
kinetic energy of a turd entering the bog water is transferred to kinetic energy
of the water itself, causing a blob of cold, pissy water to retrace the turd's line of fall in the
reverse direction and insinuate itself into your closing ringpiece.
Number plate License plate.
Pan baffle Folded paper or other such item
laid on top of the water in the bog before having a shit, in order to
prevent Neptune's kiss.
Ringpiece The anal sphincter.
Saddle Bicycle seat.
Shite Variant of "shit". Means "shit", both literally and
figuratively. But it's more complicated than that. It's perhaps slightly less rude and slightly
more humorous, and perhaps the other way round, depending on the context. It's really hard to
explain. Best I can say is look at the places where I've used
"shite" instead of "shit" and work it out for yourself. :-)
Spunk Sperm. Semen. Jizz.
Spooge. Man yogurt. Whatever you like to call it. The white stuff that
comes out of the end of your cock when you have an orgasm. (Assuming
you have a cock that is.) Americans seem to use the word to mean
something like "vim" or "gumption", which is sort of appropriate I
suppose given that Liquid Gumption bath cleaner looks a little bit
like spunk, only it's more like runny exhaust paste really, and Vim is
a gritty powder which isn't like spunk at all, but anyway what happens
is Americans write stuff about someone or other being "full of spunk"
and then we snigger at it. And Ecover washing up liquid looks exactly
like spunk and it probably is.
Tomorrow's World Weekly TV show that
demonstrated the latest cool inventions (some of them were more impressive than others). Usually
quite fun to watch, but sadly no longer running.
Twat Cunt, both literally and figuratively. Not so strong
though. Rhymes with "cat", but sometimes pronounced to rhyme with "pot", perhaps for humorous
effect or perhaps just as a personal idiosyncrasy. The way the meaning of this word is delicately
alluded to in early editions of Chambers is quite entertaining, as is the misuse of the word
by innocent Victorian poet Robert Browning, who thought it meant nuns' headgear.
Yellow lines are found painted along the
edges of the road in urban areas to indicate parking restrictions. They do not run along the
middle of the road! The lines down the middle of the road are white. The thick sort of masticky
paint stuff road markings are painted with stands proud of the tarmac and makes a smooth surface.
This makes them good for cycling along as it reduces rolling resistance, but makes them
dangerous to motorcycles, particularly in the wet.
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