Shitey Train Seats

Seats on trains are fucking shite. This page is about why they are shite.

Public Transport Seat Design Flaws: No fucker sits like this.
No fucker sits like this in real life

Public Transport Seat Design Flaws: People trying to get comfortable when the seating designer has forgotten that people have legs.
Things people do when thinking "fuck do I do
with my fucking legs in this shitey seat?"

Real leg poses (1): Crossed at the thighs
Real leg poses (2): Crossed ankle-on-knee
Real leg poses (3): slouched and stuck out
Things real people do with their legs

On the right is a diagram of someone sitting in a public transport seat which I found on some website or other. For some reason it was remarkably difficult to find - probably because there is some poxy wanky name for pictures like this which I don't know and they are all indexed under whatever that wanky name is so searching for obvious things like human body public transport seat diagram and variants on that theme doesn't work. However I have come across plenty of similar images in articles which go on about how some new train or other is really ace an' that while ruining the whole argument by including pictures like that which make it clear that they are actually shite because the seating has been designed by the usual fucking morons who one presumes are semi-vegetables confined to a hospital bed since they have obviously never actually sat down themselves.

NO FUCKER SITS "TO ATTENTION" LIKE THAT. The only people who sit like that are (a) Action Man, (b) computer models of Action Man used by moronic fuckwits to design seating with, and (c) all the poor bastards who are forced into it by the resulting shite designs which mean you can't sit in any more natural position.

The second picture is from the website of some cunt who should be commended for at least trying to think about the problem but is still too much of a shite-brained fuckwit to have done anything worthwhile with that thinking. The idea is that you can move bits of the seat about so that when a big person is sitting next to a small person or an empty seat they can grab more space. Of course there is no way that would ever work in a real setting, but even in the lab where it is being tested with people who don't hate the other people's guts just for being there it still doesn't work, and the picture clearly illustrates why. It is a remarkably good illustration of different postures that people adopt to try and get comfortable in seating which doesn't allow it because there is no recognition in its design of the obvious fact that PEOPLE HAVE LEGS.

Look at it. There is a wide variation in upper body postures but the legs are all the same - still sat "to attention", thighs horizontal, shins vertical, neat 90 degree bend at knee and ankle. The only possible variation is whether the legs are apart or together, or whether they are slewed sideways in a largely futile attempt to obtain more space.

Real people do not sit like that unless they are forced to by shit seating. They stick their legs out in front of them. Or they cross their legs, perhaps at the ankles, perhaps at the thighs, perhaps one ankle up on the other knee. Or they slouch in the seat so their lower spine is horizontal and their arse is right on the edge of the cushion so their knees are a thigh-length in front of the edge of the seat instead of right up against it like the fuckwit designers assume. If the seat won't let you do things like that it rapidly becomes uncomfortable. The picture on the right is remarkable for how well the featureless outline figures convey the frustration of trying to mitigate that discomfort by repositioning of the upper body alone.

Next I have included some photographs of real people doing real things with their legs when they are lucky enough to have the space to do them, just in case any seating designers read this page, so they can learn something they didn't know. Note that all these people are on (foreign versions of) Underground trains where the seats are arranged longitudinally which is why they have space to do these things. I'm not talking about those sort of trains because the more usual problem on them is how to get a bleeding seat at all, and if you do, what the fuck to do with your eyes to get around the problem of the layout aiming them directly at the person opposite. I'm talking about ordinary trains - it also applies to buses and planes, but I never go on them anyway - where the seats are arranged in transverse rows.

With transverse rows of seating you can't do any of those things. You can't cross your legs in any posture, not even at the thighs. You can't stick them out straight in front of you. You can't slouch in the seat with your arse right on the edge of it. You can't do anything comfortable, because THE BACK OF THE BLEEDING SEAT IN FRONT IS IN THE FUCKING WAY. (Or else alternate rows face each other over tables and it's the legs of the people opposite which are in the way, which is even worse because the need to avoid contact with the obstruction entirely demands that you screw yourself up even tighter to ensure the necessary safety clearance.)

Everybody moans and bitches about the discomfort of long train journeys and this is one of the major reasons why: THEY DON'T GIVE YOU ANY SPACE FOR YOUR FUCKING LEGS.

Fucksake, train operators: SPREAD THE BLEEDING SEATS OUT MORE. And don't fucking whine about it being an "inefficient use of space". People ARE an inefficient use of space. They're not cardboard boxes that need only enough space for their actual volume. They need plenty of clearance around that volume. And that includes clearance around the awkward sticky-out bits at the bottom. Your design philosophy is only appropriate for the passengers on the trains that used to be operated out of Waterloo by the London Necropolis Company. For people who aren't in boxes it is fucking shite.

Instead of trying to cram as many people into the space as possible, PROVIDE MORE FUCKING SPACE. Make the fucking trains LONGER by having MORE CARRIAGES in them. As long as you refuse to do that, all your bleating about "customer care" is shown up for the total bullshit that it is.

Your entire philosophy of train design is fucked up and you need to throw it all out and start again. All this farting around with fixed formation multiple units - fuck all that shit. Scrap the fucking lot and start afresh. Fuck multiple units. Of course it's going to be expensive to make long trains if you persist with that shite. Of course they're fucking expensive if you insist on tagging the manufacturing and maintenance costs of two complete engine and drivetrain sets onto every fucking carriage instead of just making a simple cheap box with seats in. So STOP FUCKING DOING IT.

FUCK MULTIPLE UNITS. Once upon a time they knew how to build trains properly and it was a fuck sight simpler too: use SEPARATE VEHICLES for traction and accommodation. Put all the complicated and expensive stuff in one box up one end which is called a locomotive. Put all the seats - widely spaced - into simple cheap boxes on wheels that don't have anything more complicated than the brakes. And then trail as many of them behind the locomotive as are needed to provide PLENTY OF FUCKING SPACE for the passengers in them.

I don't give a monkey's fuck if it makes the fucking accountants moan and whinge because not all the space has passengers in it. That's the whole fucking point. The more space the passengers have the more comfortable they will be. Fuck the bastard accountants. They are rich enough to pay to avoid the consequences of their shite-arsed dictates, so they can get to fuck. Let them take their stupid fucking ideas about it costing money just to have stuff and fuck off to some other planet where it might actually be true. The only reality it has on this planet is inside the heads of the accountants and any other fucker who is stupid enough to listen to them; it only means anything because too many stupid fuckers do listen, and if everyone stopped listening and got rid of the cunts we'd all be better off.

In any case there is a whole load of hassle and money saved in both maintenance and operations when you can take one bit away for maintenance and still carry on using all the other bits, and when most of the bits need a lot less maintenance anyway - not to mention being a whole sight cheaper to buy in the first place - because they're just a box on wheels and there's hardly anything to maintain and even less to break down. Since accountants' ideas of what something costs are composed of one part stuff that actually does involve spending actual money to nine parts imaginary made-up bollocks, they can perfectly well argue that these savings make it cheaper this way whether they really do or not; all they have to do is make up the right sort of bollocks.

Trains are not fucking buses. A small one occupies a signalling block just as much as a long one does so long ones are no harder to run than short ones. It isn't like the roads. There is fuck loads of space potentially available; all you have to do is make long trains and fucking use it. Fuck this sardine shite. Go back to the proper method that always used to be used before people got too flaming stupid to carry on with it. Give us trains of twelve carriages which are mostly empty so everyone has plenty of fucking space. Stop trying to cram everyone into two carriages instead just because it's physically possible. It may be possible but that doesn't stop it being fucking shite for the people who have to put up with it.

Fuck the stunted multiple unit sardine cans. Loco and load twelve is the way to do it. So fucking do it that way you cunts.

Back to Crap Stuff

Back to Pigeon's Nest

Be kind to pigeons

Valid HTML 4.01!