The Sweary Nuclear Pigeons present...

The Tale of Vearanniel

(or whatever her fucking name is...)

In a hole in a wall there lived some pigeons. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with pigeon shit and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, dusty hole with bits of rebar sticking out; this was a hole in the containment of an abandoned nuclear power plant, and that means...


Well hello there! Allow us to introduce ourselves. We are the Sweary Nuclear Pigeons. We live in this old power station, eating uranium and shitting fission products. (Being fast neutron birds, we can of course eat pretty well any actinide, but uranium is the most plentiful and usually the tastiest.) We are, of course, highly technologically advanced, and can do all sorts of weird-ass sci-fi stuff; this is one reason why the humans have not thrown us out like the selfish wankers usually do. We tend to act like cunts a lot of the time, for a laugh. Also, we say "fuck" a lot.

Verily, Gentle Internet User, thou art in a universe in which there exist sweary nuclear pigeons.

One of our ongoing projects is a kind of text-driven virtual reality projector; that isn't a totally accurate description, but it's not bad for one that only takes a few words. Its functionality is rather complicated, and the best way to convey it is by a practical demonstration. A full description tends to be a bit confusing. So is a demonstration, for that matter, but not so much.

So allow us to invite you to watch us giving its latest software upgrade a test run. For our test case, we have selected some shite from that festering internet cesspool known as "Tolkien fan fiction", entitled The Tale of Vearanniel, which is a fine demonstration of the truth of Terry Pratchett's words about things that float to the top of things. It has attained significant notoriety for being a blight upon the reality of Middle-earth. It has fuck all to do with Tolkien apart from the names of the characters; it is so bad that the only way it can be made better is by making it even worse. One of us found it by chance while randomly fucking around on the internet and it is ideally suited to our methods of reality conservation... not to mention that it also gives us a personal reason to want to destroy it. For as nuclear pigeons, we are a little different from ordinary pigeons - biochemical pigeons - and have an association with Arda of our own.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin...

Note for Americans: We are English birds. Fanny means cunt, not arse. Arse is the same word as ass, just spelt different. Spelt is correct in English too. Bollocks are testicles. Shite is a variant of shit; the nuances of its usage are quite impossible to explain to anyone who has not grown up with it. Julian Clary is an English comedian whose distinguishing characteristic is being extremely camp and effeminate, ie. "a fairy" in English slang.

The Tale of Vearanniel

It was a huge concrete room, containing a wide assortment of scientific and technical equipment, some half-eaten fuel rods, and the odd pigeon turd that the cleaning robot hadn't picked up yet. A sofa, for no apparent reason, sat in one corner, while all over the room random shelves and brackets stuck out of the walls, for the reason of being perched on. Next to the sofa sat a large blade rack, connected by a cable to a tall, slim crystal pedestal on top of which sat a stone about the size of a ping-pong ball filled with faint glows of coloured light. Apart from the glow and the dim light of the computer screen, the room was in darkness. Then a light began to grow at the opposite end of the room, silhouetting the forms of the pigeons which were perched all around. As the light expanded it resolved into a view of another room entirely, one in which a girl sat typing at the keyboard of her own computer. This, it seemed, was Vearanniel, and she was a twat.

"Contact established", said the pigeon monitoring the readouts on their own computer screen. "Check control."

SO this is my first fic ever!!!!!!!1 I am sooo excited. I just luv lotr and everything about it! I hope that you all love it as much as I do, but then again, why would you be in this group if you didn't!1 lol.

The pigeon perched above her head rotated smoothly through 180 degrees, ejected a turd, rotated back again, and peered downwards to inspect the hit. "Pling one", he announced.

"Lol", said another pigeon.

Vearanniel lifted one hand and scratched vaguely at the top of her head; so vaguely that she missed the pigeon turd altogether. She shrugged and returned her attention to the keyboard.

"Control check phase one, mong test, external, pass", said the monitor pigeon.

I haven't read the books, but I have watched the movie like a thousand times each! I know something about the sillmarilon from reading fanfiction. So really I know jack shit lol.

Disclaimer: I totally own absolutely nothing. I do, however, share a few things with other people. I am just a raving fan girl.

"We can see that", said a pigeon.

My name is Vearnniel. My story starts sad, then turns into a wonderful adventure. I was born in The united States a while a go. I have gold hair that falls in a wondrous water fall down to my slim waist. This is a bit awkward, being rather heavy and wet, but I'm worth it. My eyes take on the shade of my mood. Depending on what I am feeling, they are a different color (A/n my eyes actually do this.)

"Do they arse", said a pigeon.

my skin is a beutious color that tans perfectly and stays that way for precisely three weeks, then suddenly reverts to beutious in under five seconds, which tends to weird people out a bit when they see it happen. I have shit tits.

("i... h.a.v.e... s.h.i.t... t.i.t.s...period", muttered Vearanniel to herself as she prodded at the keys.)

"We're in", announced the monitor pigeon. "Mong tests, internal, insults and extras insertion, all passed. We have control. Let 'er rip, chaps."

"What the fuck is "beutious" when it's at home?" said another.

"Fuck knows. It's not a real word, so I guess it has no meaning..."

"No? In that case, I hereby assign to it the meaning "like a zombie"."

"Yeah, good one, that seems to fit."

I am the smartest girl in my class. And because of this, nobody seems to like me. It is a very sad happening, everybody laughs at me because I do so well and am in all of the high placement classes, except for English. I cant actually understand why (it's a class of retards, so being the smartest one in it isn't really saying very much). The only friends I have in the whole world are my books. Advanced calculus is my favorite class in the entire world. It is sooooo exciting to see how numbers fit together and all.

The pigeons looked round as a metallic crash sounded from the corner of the room. One bird had materialised a stack of tinplate numerals, and was shoving them here and there with his beak.

"What the fuck are you up to?" said a pigeon.

"Seeing how numbers fit together and all", said the one with the pile of digits. "If it really is sooooo exciting, I don't want to miss out."

About my past, my Mom was killed in a plane crash on Christmas day and my dad died in one on my birthday. I no, poor me, to celebrations brought to ruin by tragedy. Like I give a shit. It is so hard for me to be cheery anymore. She keeps hanging out with angua and all I can think of is my shit tits, that wolf makes me so jealous. After all that happened, I had to move in with my stepaunt. She is a wicked person, all the time I have to clean and clean. And there are lots of pigeons in here and they shit a lot so there's a lot of cleaning to do. I think she invited them in here on purpose to spite me. She absolutely dispises me!!1

"It's bollocks, this. The 3 fits on top of the 8, more or less, but it's not exciting. And the upside down 2 on top of the 5 is even worse. And the rest are bleeding useless. Look." Crash.

All I want to to do is study and study, but she wont let me and she feeds me dog food and pigeon shit. What would you do?

"Well, me, first thing I'd do is dig a secret tunnel from my room to hers. Then I would start leaving big shits on her pillow next to her face while she was asleep. She would suspect me, of course, and she'd start locking me into my room at night. But I'd have the secret passage so it wouldn't make any difference. Then when she went mad from finding a big inexplicable shit in front of her nose every time she woke up and they put her in the bin, I'd get power of attorney and empty her bank account and sell the house and all her stuff and fuck off to Nicaragua."

"Why Nicaragua?"

"I've always wanted a ragua, but I've never seen one on sale, so I'd have to nick it." The pigeon flew off.

The scene changed; the figure of Vearanniel sitting at her keyboard faded out, and the light at the end of the room expanded to fill the entire width. One end of the room now appeared to be a generic street somewhere in New York, the contradiction inherent in the idea of a "generic" street in somewhere as diverse as New York being resolved by the street having no noticeable features apart from a distant view of a green spiky thing which was presumably supposed to be the head of the Statue of Liberty, and Vearanniel walking through the rain.

My story begins one one raininy day after school. I was walking home after school, hoping that my aunt would be asleep so I could read, when I suddenly realized that I was being followed. Some of the mean preppy girls from school were following me!

"Oh nooooo! The preppy girls are following meeee! Heavyyy! ...What the fuck is a "preppy girl", anyway?"

"Fuck knows. They must be American. Girls who like doing their prep, perhaps?"

"Might be I suppose, but they call it "homework" over there. I think. Anyway, she likes studying, so surely she'd be one herself?"

"So even people who are into the same things are mean to her? Figures. Makes her even more of a drip for everyone to feel sorry for."

"Yeah. Amazing how well it works, isn't it?"

I had no idea what to do so I walked faster. They probably wanted to torment me again about my brain and the knocking noise it made rattling around whenever I shook my head. Why did I have to be like that?

"I think that's what they call the sixty four thousand dollar question."

Like, why do the girls have to be so mean,? I thought to myself.

"Because you're a divot, sweetie."

My tattered blue jeans were also weapons for them to use against me. Sometimes they took them off me and tried to strangle me with them and sometimes they glued glass fibre loft insulation to the inside of them and made me put them on again. They were following me closely, getting nearer and nearer. I saw an alley ahead of me so I duct into it. A conduit would have been better, but you have to take what you can get. I began to ran. As I neared the end, Isaw that it was a dead end. "NOOOOOOO"!!!!1 I wailed. I turned around and saw them standing their.

"Hey brain girl, whatcha doing", one of them snickered. "Gonna read a book?"

There was a flutter of wings above the girls' heads and a copy of Defensive Reading for Dummies thumped to the ground in front of Vearanniel. She peered bemusedly at the cover for a few seconds, then shook her head and looked back at the others.

They took my beloved advanced Calc book from me and threw t into to a mud puddle.

More wings fluttered and there landed in front of Vearanniel a bound copy of all the correspondence that had ever passed between Newton and Leibniz. It was tied up in a pretty pink ribbon and bore a label To V, check this out. Love from Ike and Gottie. x x' x''

Some pigeons started throwing books of gay boys' love letters or something at me. I did not understand. Even the birds were being nasty to me now.

"Did you know that if you pick every fourth letter from the third line down on the Fibonacci-numbered pages of Principia Mathematica and put them all together, it spells Vearanniel is a stupid cunt?"

"No, does it?"

"It does now..."

I began to cry. The girls laughed. They stepped forward one of them pulled my hair and another smacked me. I felt a knee fall into my stomach. Then it fell out again. Sobbing I fell to my hand and knees (not the one that had fallen into my stomach, the other ones), ruining my perfectly done mascara. My other hand had fallen off somewhere. It probably wanted to be friends with the knee.

All at once, a bright light became visible off to the side. There was some garbage with a burst open box of washing powder in it and the pigeons were shitting in the powder and it lit up bright blue around the shits. In the light I saw a door way thing. It looked something like a door way. Tru my tears, I saw the shape of a man outlined by the light.

"Do not touch her", a booming voice yelled. "She has yet to full fill the prophesy." An old man stepped though the portal and lots of pigeons flew into it and nearly knocked his hat off. I could now tell that that was what it was. He was old and wore a weird grey dress thing. He carried in his hand a large stick staff thing. It had a knob on the end. The girls cowered before him. He looked at me with bright eyes and said, " You have a great prophesy to full fill, come with me to Riverdale."

My mom had never thought to warn me against going off with strange old men who wore weird grey dress things. Without any fear, I took the hand that was outstretched to me and went with him though the portal.

So what did you all think? Please R and R and let me know.

"We are R&Ring", said a pigeon. "Rest, and Recreation. Otherwise known as taking the piss."

"But we won't let her know until right at the end. Har, har, har."

The old man and me went through the portal. When we stepped out, I saw that we were in a forest. It was full of pigeons in the trees.

Come, we must go to Riverdale," he said.

"Pray tell me sir, why are there so many pigeons here? What do they call you"?

"I am Gandalff the grey wizard." He said with Authority.

"Ffailed", said a pigeon.

"What is the Riverdale that we must go to? Are there lots of pigeons there too?" I don't know why I asked that because I already knew Riverdale was in the Bronx.

"It is the place of your birth, young princess."

I had been told that I was born in Brooklyn, NY, so you can guess that that I was terribly confused. It's awful suddenly finding out that you were born in a different part of the city from where you thought. I decided that since the portal was closed,

"...with a word she can get what she came for. Or something."

I had no wear else too go. So I followed him. It was a beautiful place. As we walked, I began to feel chilled. It was, like, really mellow, man. The air around me began to grow dark and I felt an ominous presence. Then I realised I still had the hand that was outstretched to me and my own hand was on Gandalff's crotch. It was kind of him to pick it up for me otherwise I would have lost it. I grabbed it quickly and screwed it back on my arm. The hand that was outstretched to me crawled up inside Gandalff's dress thing and he started kind of jiggling about.

"Stay Close, evil is a foot," Gandalff said in a scared voice.

"Rhythm is a dancer", said a pigeon.

"Who said that?" said Vearanniel.

"I did, you flaming great dimwit", said the pigeon. "Are you fucking blind or something? Or just thick?"

Gandalff the grey wizard (ffailed) leaned towards her. "Don't answer that", he whispered.

For some reason, I was not scared at all. Abruptly a Whitehorse ran out f the trees, right towards where we were standing by the river. Following it closely were several ugly black horses with grim reaperish looking riders. On

"Off", said a pigeon. The scene went blank.

"I can't see! I can't seeee!" wailed Vearanniel. "Help! I must be fucking blind or something!"

And everyone knows I ride a WHITE horse, came sepulchrally from the darkness.

"Come on, mate, put the fucking show back on already."

The white horse was ayoung woman with hideously tangled hair and a small man that looked like he was getting ready to up chuck at anymoment.

And he is definitely not a composite of multiple non-equine entities. That would be even more awkward than the skeletal one was.

"Fuck is she at, then? Hair like that she's in the wrong place by something like several zillion light years."

"I think she's supposed to be Arwen."

"Is she fuck Arwen. And what would Arwen be doing here, anyway?"

"Pinching Glorfindel's part so Jacksoff can cop out of having to explain who he is..."

"Oh for fuck's sake not that twat again. Anyway, whoever that scruffy munter is she sure as fuck isn't Arwen."

"Probably a projection of someone Vearanniel knows. Hence her looking like a low precision plastic moulding..."

The woman looked like she was despairing she hadher sword out but she didn't look

"...right look left look right again, and was promptly flattened by a bus."

There was a brief roar of engine sound and a faint whiff of diesel fumes.


If you would just step this way...

"See, I was right. Someone Vearanniel knows, else the bus wouldn't have happened. QED."

Not knowing what Iwas doing, I stepped forward and clapped my hands together. This bottle of bubble bath that I was carrying in my sleeve for no reason whatsoever flew out and landed in the river and broke. The water began to foam up and and urrounded the black riders moving white bubbles. I was shocked at that I had just done that. I had always wanted to put bubble bath in the school fountain but I was too scared. A hige since of fatigue washed over me. I should have stood further back but I didn't think. As I began to fall this amazingly hott guy ran over and caught me. I saw beautiful blonde hair and stunningly blue eyes just before I fainted in his arms.

When I woke up, I saw that I was in a large, sunny room. There were flowers in large vassels all around the area. These Flowers were large and unfamiliar to me. Their colors ranged from azure to a deep forest green. I had never seen green flowers before. I was still covered in the hige since that had washed over me. I saw in a corner a wash basin, so Islipped out of bed and splashed water on myface. This is like facebook and myspace all mixed into one and it is what they had here instead of facebook and myspace. I shouldn't have done that because it went fzzzt and blew up. Luckily the vassels didn't notice.

After my short bath, I saw a clean set of clothes lying on a dresser. To my disgust, I realized that they consisted of a bulky kirt and a light pair of boots. They were well made with very skilled embroidery. I would have to speak to the owners of the place about getting my jeans and sneakers back. Well made clothes with skilled embroidery are just so gross.

After dressing, I slipped down the hall way where I ran into a young women, she looked startled and immediantly apologized or at least she did when she'd worked out how many of her there were.

"My lady, I am sorry but we did not think that you would be up sosoon. If we had known, we would have found a top for you to go with the kirt and boots. And someone to guide you. Ill guide you though, so you've had a lucky escape. just follow me."

Se led me around and took me to the gardens, all the while chatting about the places we went through. The gardens were beautiful. There were lots and lots of pigeons in the trees. Some of the small people that I had seen earlierwere standing around laughing. The one that had been ill ealier looked 100 percent better. He was vowing never to eat eals again. His friends were clapping him on the back and laughing. I could not see what was so funny. They were having a reunionan older small fellow was hobblingover to give the ex-ick one a hug.

"Who are they," I asked the Women. "And what are they laughing at."

"They are the hobbits who have brought the evil ring here, They'll have to destroy it I guess. There names are, Frodo Sam Pippen and Merry." She said poiting to each as she said there names. "They are laughing at your tits."

Abruptly fRodo came over and looked at me. He gave me a low bow.

Fair Lady, I thank you for saving me life. Without you I would have died. Oops, sorry, wrong joke. You've got shit tits." He started laughing again.

" Oh think nothing of it, I did what I could. They've always been like that. I think any way I have no idea whatI actually did. It just sort of happened," was the only truthful way that I could reply. I suppose I should have said how they had forgotten to find me a top but I was too confused trying to count the Women.

He smiled and grabbed my tits. He had a cold little hand He said that I must play hobbit games with them. We played a game kinda like crochet, but different. I tried to crochet myself a bra but it kept going wrong. Bilbo sat there quietly laughing while we played the game.

After a bit, we went iside to have dinner. Upon intereing the dinning hall, a delicious aroma met my senses. I knew that I was hungry. I said to myself that a little fermented curd would do the trick. The hobbits and me curtailed our walpoling activities, skipped happily over to a table and began to eat. I should not have skipped because it made my crochet bra come loose. I felt like I was being watched. I loked over and saw the blond guy from earlier watching me. He was really really hott. He smiled at me but I stayed calm. He gave me a huge smile and slipped over to where I stood. I had not realised I had made such a mess already.

Greeting lady. What happened to your tits? How fare you? Whats your name. This is really hard for me because you are so pretty."

I could see that. I felt myself blushing but I responed nicely. There was a faint bubbling sound but I don't think he heard.

"sir I am fine,. My tits are just like that. My Name is Vearanniel. I think. It keeps changing. Who are you? And if you don't mind me asking," I said with a glance at his trousers, "what are you?"

Not at all, my dear Vearanniel. My name is Legolas Green Leaf. I am an elf from the woodland realm of Mirkwood."

"Oh, it is so nice to meet a gentleman," I said.

We talked for hours. At least I did. He informed me that I was in the house of LordElronde. That he had come from far away to come to a council for the problems that Middle Earth were having. Then he fell asleep, I suppose he was tired from the long journey. We had a really good time together, and it kinda made me glad that I had the crochet bra to hide my shit tits a bit. I wished I had a dress so that I looked nicer. When he fell asleep I saw a woodlouse on the floor so I talked to him instead. I t was so nice to have someone of the same intelligence as me to talk to. He was fasinated by my knowledge of calculus. When I told him that I had been to all state for choir last year and for orchestra this year, he was obviously impressed.

"Hey... guys?"

"Huh?" The pigeons looked at each other. Then they looked at Legolas. Yes, he was talking to them.

"Is that supposed to happen?" said one. "Him talking to us? Without us talking to him first, I mean."

"Yeah, the new upgrade is supposed to get around the we've-got-to-start-it thing", said the monitor pigeon. "Long as whoever it is doesn't a priori think it's too weird for the place to be full of talking pigeons, then they can start conversations as well as us."

"Yeah, but why would Legolas expect the house of Elrond to be full of pigeons?"

"He's not Legolas."

"He looks like Legolas."

"No he doesn't, he looks like Orlando fucking Bloom."

"Yeah, OK, but he looks like he's supposed to be Legolas."

"No, he's supposed to be a version of Orlando fucking Bloom that Vera Neil can get to fuck."

"Which she thinks is the same as being Legolas."

"Doesn't mean he is though."

"Well we could go on for fucking hours like this. Any clue on the system?" - this last directed to the monitor pigeon.

The monitor pigeon pecked some keys and brought up a character analysis window. "It says NONONONO NOT THE CARPET UNDERLAY AAAAAaaaarrgghhhh wurble wurble sclup", he reported. "Guess that means Fucked if I know would be too definitive."

Legolas, or whoever he was, was growing impatient. "Guys! You can hear me, right?"

It was the pigeon who had been putting numbers on top of each other who answered him. "Yeah, we can hear you, you just haven't said anything yet."

Legolas ground his teeth. "What the fuck is going on? Who is this dumb bitch? I'm trying to get some kip here and she won't stop gabbering on to this fucking woodlouse talking total fucking shite. It's doing my head in. She's responing so much it's ruined the fucking rug, and that was Elrond's special rug that he had in Arvernien when he was a kid. Man, is he gonna be pissed. She's not even supposed to be here. And she's got shit tits."

The pigeon shrugged. "She's a twat", he replied.

"Yeah, but..."

"Well I don't fucking know why, do I? Born like that, I guess. Ask her mum or something."

"Yeah, but she's doing my fucking head in."

"She's doing everyone's fucking head in, mate. You'll just have to roll with it..."

Legolas hid his face in his hands and shook his head. He decided to give up and turned resignedly back to the scene.

"Lady please sing or play for us- preferably both" Legolas said with shinning eyes. "Or read us a poem or something. Anything. Just so I don't have to listen to you talking to that fucking woodlouse on and on and on."

"I will sing but I am afraid I don't have my harp with me." Although I have only learned to play one of the strings so far so maybe it was for the best. I stood up and beganto think of what to ing. I could have done with Mr Tulip to lend me a hand at this point. It was really difficult because thinking made my brain hurt. I thought for a long time before I began sining think of me from the phantom of the opera.. AN I love that song so much- my voice flitted around like a little bird filling the air in the entire room. It was a pigeon of course. It shat on me. When I finished the air was silent.Gandalff was crying, so was Legolas. I was sorry my singing had been that bad.

"Oh my darling that shriek you gave when the pigeon shat on your head was the most beautiful thing that I have ever heard. Your voice puts the angels to shame. Even the most irredeemably fallen angel would be ashamed to make a noise like that.

"wtf is an angel, is it like a balrog" said Gandalff.

I blushed and he pulled me into a tight hug" I will see you tomarrow my dear get a good nights sleep."

"Neither of them know we shit fission fragments, right?" said a pigeon.

"Doubt it", said one of the other pigeons. "Or if they do they think it's something to do with broken rods."


He bowed softly and kissed my hand. He walked me back to my room and left me with a wish for sweet dreams. I had several about him. When I woke up my mattress was like a fuckin' paddling pool.

The next morning woke me with a heavy knock on the door. I threw on a dress that was even more well done then the one from yesterday and dressed myself. It was a relief to know the hobbits would not see my tits today.

I answered the door and there was the woman from yesterday. There was definitely only one of her this time, and I could look at her without getting a headache.

Come, you must hurrythe council will start soon." She said.

I did not know what she meant. "What council." I asked.

"The Council, you thick twat. She replied.

Suddenly I remembered yesterday Legolas had said something about a council. I had forgotten. I must really be a thick twat. She lead me around the hall ways until we arrived at a patio outside. She left hurridly. Around the room was seated a bunch of important looking people. The lord Elronde stood up when I entered. He smiled at me.

"Come child you must get your tits out or we won't be able to help u." Reluctantly I pulled down the top of my dress and showed him my tits. I could hear the hobbits laughing again. "a prophesy was spoken long ago by the lady Galadriel. But that is by the by. There was also another prophesy spoken by someone else entirely which is carved beneath the Tits of Doom, and that's the one I'm on about. The best I can tell it pertains to you. The prophesy was about a girl with shit tits that would do nothing whatever to help to bring down the fall of the dark lord. . the girl was to be of another world and to where a l;ocket around her neck. You are she , child. Your tits are bloody awful. Your intelligence is also what makes you her. The prophesy was emphatic that she would not have any. We have watched you for some time. There can be no doubt about it. Not with tits like that. They are clearly the model for the legendary bust of the Tits of Doom under which the prophesy is carved. You are the one. Though not like Neo, and thank fuck for that."

They spoke for some time about destroying a ring. I was lost. I had know idea what I was supposed to be doing, or what was going on. They all began to fight.

"Ill take it" Frodo said. "I ll take the ring to mordor. Wait I don't know the way."

"Useless bloody humans, couldn't find their bloody way anywhere if you tied a bit of string to them."

"He's not a human. He's a hobbit."

"Same difference. One's tall, one's short, both look like monkeys, neither of them have any sense of fucking direction."

Then as if by some miracle, the people started getting along. The people who had just been arguing stopped and stared. One by one people began to volunteer until there were nine. Elronde turned to me and said"Child youmust go with them you are such a dumb fuck you will drive me up the bleeding wall if I have to put up with you hanging round here any longer. Frodo is the only one who can defeat the evil of sauron."

I gulped. I had know idea what I was supposed todo. I hoped I would not be putting more bubble bath in the river. I remembered what I had done to the nazgul by the river somehow. I remembered getting covered in hige since. I felt sick. That stuff was so gross. "Ok Ill go, but I have no idea what I am supposed to do."

"I shall give you a position of great responsibility", said Elrond. "You shall be the Stone-bearer, and carry the Warg-stone. If the company is attacked by Wargs you will be their first line of defence." And he handed me a rock with some writing on it.

Elrond saw that everyone apart from Vearanniel was staring at him with expressions in which shock, horror and disbelief were mingled in varying proportions according to their individual susceptibilities to each emotion. The corners of his lips twitched upwards. "Pass the Warg-stone around the company", he instructed the girl, "so that all may see and understand that with which you have been entrusted."

With a smug look of self-importance on her face Vearanniel handed the stone to the nearest person to her, who happened to be Aragorn, as she had arrived too late to find a place near Legolas. The frown left his face as he studied the inscription and was replaced by a carefully-composed look of absolutely nothing. He passed it on to Gimli, whose expression was hidden by his mass of facial hair; he gave a grunt of affirmation. Gandalff's eyes twinkled briefly as he read the words. Merry and Pippin held their hands over their mouths and spluttered. Each in turn inspected the stone and finally it made its way back to Elrond, who returned it to Vearanniel. "And now read it yourself", he said, "that you may know how you are esteemed among us."

Elrond told me to pass the rock round for everyone to see and then he told me to read it myself so I did. This is what I read:

In case of Warg attack on your Fellowship FOLLOW THESE RULES:

  1) Grasp Warg-stone firmly with the hand.
  2) Strike Stone-bearer smartly upon the cranium.
  3) If Stone-bearer remains conscious, repeat step 2.
  4) Run.

"Sir I am honoured." I said. "I assure you I shall not fail in my duty." Actually I did not understand all the long words but I did not want to look stupid in front of Elrond. I figured that if we did get attacked by wargs the others could tell me what to do.

" Iobject," the man name Boromir said. " A Woman with tits like that is not fit for such a venture."

"Silence she is very special," Elronde said.

"Yeah, isn't she just."

She is going and that is the final word on the Suject."

A/N Why do you guys think this is a parody?!?!?!

"I don't", observed a pigeon. "I think it's a pigeony. In fact I'm sure of it."

This is only my first story and your so hard on me. Its only fan fiction! Besides I kinda do have a Beta reader.

"Does she?"

"Does she fuck. Otherwise she'd have picked up the radiation from that shit you did on her head."

The next morning woke me with a start. I remembered the council with huge clarity. That was my nickname for Legolas's what are you. I was confused, but it was ok. I was used to that. I would live and anyway, Legolas was going to come as well ad we could be together for the entire journey! Who gives a toss about the future of Middle-earth as long as I get lots of sex? Not me, that's for sure.

A knock on the door startled me from my reverie. I quickly got dressed and opened the door. Legolas was standing there waiting for me.

"Dear I have come to take you down to breakfast."

The two of us went hand in hand down to breakfast. It was a great meal. Sausage and bacon, toast and jam, eggs and fruit. All of it tasted marvelous, but I didn't actually taste much of it so I don't really know how marvellous it did taste. Maybe the bits I didn't taste tasted of shit. I spoke with Legolas for most of the meal. He had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen.

After the meal, the bits I hadn't tasted came back up so probably they were shit after all. The other bits came up too but I remembered how marvellous they had been and ate them again. Then the two of us went down to the stables. There I saw the most beautiful white horse I had ever seen. He was running wildly around the paddock with his tail and mane blowing freely in the wind. He had a lob on and it was bouncing up and down and waving about as he ran.

"No one has ever drunk sixteen pints of lager and still been able to ride that horse," Legolas said. "he is as wild as he I beautiful."

I laughed. "I will ride him. Look at the size of his cock. I rode in rodeos in my world. I always fell off."

I effortlessly ran over to where the horse stood. it was downhill. If it had been uphill it would have been more difficult.

What do you want, child? The thought came rushing into my head like a hurricane. I could feel it whirling round and round inside the empty space.

You seem startled. Am I the first to contact you?

"Oooooo", "Oooooo", "Oooooo", "Oooooo", "Ooooooooooo", sang five pigeons in sequence.

The first what? I thought back.

The first of our world. I suppose you want to ride me since it is part of the prophesy that you should be the first to ride me. I am Flarygo, king of the fairy horses. The elves have long tried to capture me, but all is well. I will help you in all you need.

"Shit... Hang on a minute, chaps." The scene went dark.


"Just a wee glitch... The sheer idiocy of it is causing data corruption. I'm reconfiguring it to use a more robust algorithm..." There was a squeaking noise and the last few seconds of the scene flashed up backwards at high speed. "Right, let's try this."

I saw you looking. I suppose you want to... ride me since it is part of the prophesy that you should be the first to ride me. I'm afraid you'll just have to sit on my back, dear. I am Clarygo, king of the fairy horses. The elves have long tried to capture me, the dirty little buggers, but all is well, as you can see. I will help you in all you need. Well, nearly all. But the other horses will help you with that.

I carefully climbed up onto his muscled back. He smoothly went from gait to gait a package of well made horse flesh. After a minute or two I fell off. When I returned to Legolas, he was looking at me with wide eyed amazement. The horse looked back and raised his eyebrows at Legolas. Legolas's eyes opened even wider and he stepped back and clutched his bum.

"Oooooooooowww! ... Sorry, that was my Frankie Howerd impersonation."

"My dear, you are truly the best rider I have ever seen in all of Middle Earth out of all the people who have shit tits. I would be honored to court you. If that is the word in your language. I am not sure. I mean the jig-a-jig thing with slurping noises and rude bits."

I blushed and said," I return the feeling. And so does the horse, I think. The word in my language is "fuck"."

With a grin he said, "then we are a couple of fucking idiots, how fantastic. The stories I've heard about that horse... Tomorrow we leave for mount Doom, so I wil help you pack.

8(o o)8

"Er... OK, what the fuck was that?"

"The alien from a few minutes back. Where we all went Oooooo oooooo oooooo oooooo ooooooooooo."

"Oh, is it? Fair enough then."

Early the next morning, I arose and gathered my bag. Then I gathered the other one. I stuffed them into my dress which was a specially made one this morning with really thick material so people wouldn't have to see what was inside it. Quickly, I bolted down the stairs where the fellowship was preparing to leave. I strapped on my pack and turned to the pony.

Can you understand my thought too? I asked him.

Of course, he replied. Clarygo told me about you all of us animals can understand and will gladly... serve you.

Good. Then you are My Little Pony. I told him.

And you've got shit tits. He replied.

We started on our way. Nothing really interesting happened for almost all of the first few days. Finally I got my chance. One day, when he had stopped for lunch a pack of birds flew over us. They were pigeons again and they shat all over us. We all hid underneath some bushes. Legolas held me close to help my fear but I wasn't actually scared at all though it did hurt a bit at first.

As the company walked on Vearanniel gradually dropped further and further behind, a look of puzzlement growing on her face. Evidently she did not find it easy to walk and think at the same time. After a while she stopped altogether and stood for some minutes pondering. Finally she spoke, her query addressed to the empty air.

"Did I really just fuck Legolas?"

Unexpectedly, from high in a tree came a soft, musical voice in reply. "Yes."

Startled, she looked up. The beady eye of a pigeon looked back at her.

"Did you just speak to me?" she said, confused.

"No", said the pigeon. "It was the tape recorder in your pocket that turns itself on at random times and says odd things when you're not expecting it."

"I didn't think I had any pockets in this", she said. The ensuing search of her clothing occupied her for a good five minutes before it dawned on her that the pigeon was being sarcastic.

"It was you, wasn't it", she said, looking up into the foliage.

"No", came the reply. "It was him over there. You're looking at the wrong tree."

She looked slowly around, and gradually came to realise that every tree had a pigeon in it, and they were all looking at her. She stared blankly at the nearest one. The pigeon stared back.

Eventually some neurons in her speech centres spluttered feebly to life. "But why?" she said.

"What d'you mean why?" said the pigeon. "It was you that did it, not me."

"Far as I could make out", said another, "it was because you wanted a fuck."

"But this is supposed to be a romance!" said Vearanniel. "Not a... like, um... thingy... er..." She floundered to a halt, unable to work out what the next word was supposed to be.

"So?" said a pigeon.

"That's not supposed to happen until after we've, like, had time to... like, fall in love properly and that! Not just, like, do it straight away like I'm some sort of slag!"

"Why not?" said the pigeon. "You are a slag."

"I am not a slag!" shouted Vearanniel indignantly. She stamped her foot. "How dare you be so rude to me!"

"Do you think I'm thick or something?" said the pigeon. "We know fine you're a slag. We've all read that Harry Potter thing you wrote."

Vearanniel turned bright red. She opened and shut her mouth a few times and then abruptly turned and ran off between the trees.

"What'd she do that for?" said one of the pigeons. "They went that way."

Five uneventful minutes passed. Then there was a crashing in the bushes, and a very cross-looking Vearanniel burst back into the little clearing. She stood for a few seconds trying to brush the dead leaves out of her hair and then stomped off after the Fellowship.

After that Gandalff panicked and said that we had to go to the mountains. It was really snowing hard. Bill the Pony was encouraging the hole way. Between him and Legolas encouraging the hole I was going to be walking like John Wayne. Legolas was able to walk gracefully on the snow. Suddenly there was an avalanche. Legolas pulled me out of the snow quickly as he could.

"Are you alright, my love? If anything were to happen to you part of me would die. And then I'd be fucked. Or rather, I wouldn't be. So next time the snow starts to move you don't just stand there like a fucking lemon and wait for me to pull you out, you get your fucking arse out the fucking way, capisce?"

"Oh dearest, I will always be fine if I have your arms to cuddle into." Was what I said. He kissed me quite lightly then and said; I suppose you want me to say I love you above all others. Even if you do have shit tits."

With a sigh Gandalff told us that we have to go on and that the only path was through Moria. He didn't want to go there so to ease his conscience he asked Frodo what he wanted to do. "We shall go through the mines." Of course if Gandalff was any good as a wizard he could have melted all the snow with magic but he can't because he is ffailed and he wears a silly dress.

We climbed back down the mountain after that. We came to a place with a little lake. There were pigeons perched all over the rocks. Gandalff started talking to himself which was the sort of thing he did sometimes and when it got really bad he would dribble. and a shiny archway type thing appeared on the rocks surface. He began yelling at it in elfish. Some pigeons came and shat on his hat to try and make him shut up but he wouldn't and it just burnt holes in the brim. Legolas translated what the writing said for me. It said Near a tree by a river there's a hole in the ground where a gnome and a baron goes around and around and his mind is a beacon in the vale of the night but yours is Joey Deacon and your tits are shite.

"It has to be a riddle," I murmured. I was on the logic team back home so naturally I am very good at this sort of thing. Anyway Nik Kershaw was hott. I wished I could be his friend. "Legolas, what is the elfish word for friend?" I asked.

"Its "Mellon", my dear."

"Yes, and you've got pointy ears you twat."

At the word Mellon the door opened for us.

"Yay we can go in," Pippin said jovially. "Yay and away we go, through the grass, cross the snow, to an undiscovered place... We've done the grass, then we did the snow and this is the undiscovered place. I'd rather be here than running through space! Aarghh, for fuck's sake!" He pulled a face and punched himself in the head a few times.

"It's big brown beastie, big brown face", said Merry. "Not undiscovered place. What the fuck are you on about?"

"Well that's what it sounded like when I heard it", said Pippin sulkily.

"So get yourself a proper stereo then, you cheap-ass twat", replied Merry.

"What's wrong with my stereo? Better than your heap of shit", said Pippin. "Anyway I didn't hear it on a stereo. It was divot features over there, after she found that gay horse in the stables she wouldn't stop singing it."

"Oh, is it?" said Merry. "Is that why Sam buzzed a brick at her? I wondered what she'd done to piss him off."

"Yeah, that was it. Can't say I blame him, either. Fucking annoying bitch. Bloody song's been going round my head ever since."

At this point Gandalff banged their heads together and told them to put a sock in it for fuck's sake.

"Hey you twats putting all the extra words in... when do I get a go?"

"Soon as you like. It's fully multi-user, come on in..."

"I do not think that we should go in there," Boromir said with a look of unease for our surroundings.

"Tough shit", said Gandalff the grey wizard (ffailed). "There's nowhere else for us to fucking go, so you can either come with us or stay out here and be eaten by a big squid thing. It's up to you so don't come running to me when the tentacles are trying to pull your face off."

"What big squid thing?" said Boromir.

"Stick around and find out", said Gandalff.

We all began to lowly file into the cave anyway because it was a dwarf cave so it was not high enough to do it any other way. Gimli was chatting all the while about how the dwarfs would give us a fine welcome. We then came upon a bunch of dead dwarfs and Gimli started crying because he was a poof and a weed and not worth 2d he is uterly wet and i diskard him.

Abruptly this big squid thing came out of the lake and grabbed Frodo. Legolas began to fire arrows at it. The pigeons began shooting these like blue beams out of their foreheads and setting fire to them in midair. Soon Legolas had run out of arrows so he threw his bow at it but the pigeons set fire to that too. Then the pigeons all flew up really high and started having a competition who could shit on the squid thing from the highest up and still hit it. Each one hit its mark perfectly. Frodo was released but there was a big rock slide and a little boy kept sliding down it and the farmer's daughter had to keep darning his trousers every time he wore them out sliding. Then someone said "Shit tits" and nothing happened.

"Shit titt", said Gandalff testily. "Singular, and with two Ts. One mellon with two Ls to open the door and one shit titt with two Ts to close it. Give me just one hint as to how you dumb fuckers even manage to get out of bed in the fucking morning and we'll be well on the way to solving the greatest mysteries of the universe." I must say he has a high opinion of himself for a ffailed wizard. He turned towards the door. "Shit titt", he said firmly. the doors closed again and the tunnel entrance was sealed.

"Is that what you meant?" said Boromir to Gandalff. "Phew. I had half an idea you might be talking about Vera Neil's bush. Looks like we had a lucky escape." He always calls me that. I think he thinks it's funny but I don't. Anyway it's not my fault there's nothing to shave with in this place. I should have asked Gandalff to take me home so I could get my wire cutters before we started but he never said we were going to be here as long as this. I did try and borrow Aragorn's sword but he said he'd only just managed to find someone to glue it together and he was fucked if he was going to risk having it broken again just so Legolas didn't have to worry about getting his cock scratched.

We then traveled through the dark it was pitched black except the bits where it was pitched some other colour. There was darkness before us and darkness behind into the jaws of Death into the mouth of hell rode the nine and the one extra so we went many miles as thus half a league onward and more besides.

Leave my jaws out of it, young Vera.

Gandalff had a glowing rock that he put on his staff but some pigeons came and flew off with it and pecked it to bits and ate it. Boromir was looking a little paler then usual but everyone else looked ok although Gandalff had a sore bit on his leg next to the pocket the rock had been in. Eventually we came to a big room with a lot of exits and Gandalff got confused. We all sat down waiting for things to settle in the old guys head.

I wanted somewhere private to go for a piss so I looked around to see everyone, but I couldn't see Boromir. "Where has he gone?" I thought to myself. I found him curled up in a ball crying. Even though he is mean to me, I felt sorry for him. "What's wrong?" I asked

"Nothing" he said but I could tell that he was lying. He is a poofter like Gimli and I think his bottom was hurting.

"Come now tell me the truth, you can trust me," I said. I am really good t getting people to do things. Back home, I could convince my little puppy to do things for me. After he'd done it a few times I didn't even need to smear dog food on it first.

"I…… I am afraid of small spaces." He said with a fresh burst of tears. I could tell how difficult it was for him to say it. He means he is afraid of big things filling small spaces and you know what they say about dwarves.

"Its ok, most people are afraid of something," I said as way of trying to reassure him thinking of Legolas and Bill at the same time.

Then Gandalff stood up and said that he had asked the pigeons for directions and now he knew the way. We began walking again. Gimli suddenly yelled and bolted into another room; he was crying. I told Boromir he was a bad boy and he shouldn't do that. He told me to fuck off. Gandalff read the inscription and said that the tomb was for a dwarf's ruler. Then he started crying as well because it was in centimetres and not inches. I gave him a hug, hoping to cheer him up. Then the drums started. Gandalff cried, so I hugged him again and he told me to give it a fucking rest for fuck's sake. he is a rude old git sometimes. "To the bridge of Caza doom!"

"Who said that?"

"Who said what?"

""To the bridge of Caza doom!""

"Lukas Stoll - er ist so dumm."

"Ich glaubte, dass sie Vera Neil hiess. Oder Vearnniel, oder..."

"Oder Lukas Stoll. Als weisst sie nicht, wie sollen wir wissen?"

"Blond genug, old bean..."

We then ran and ran and ran. We ran down some stairs and then we had to jump across a gap in the pathway, a really long drop was there. Either they liked making people's heads fly off or they hanged a lot of giants. We were running across a bridge when this big Balrog came across the path. Gandalff stopped and turned around.

"You dirty fucking cunt. All over my fucking boots. And my weird grey dress thing. You realise I've got to go and see Galadriel next and I've got nothing else to wear? I can't fucking go in this now, she fucking hates the smell of balrog spunk! Fuck you, you shall not pass," he said in a booming voice and he rammed his staff into the bridge and fell. "Oops."

"Byeee! Have a nice trip!", said the Balrog, waving at the ffalling wizard (ffailed).

"And why aren't you fucking falling?" came a faint scream from out of the depths.

"I wasn't standing on the fucking bridge, was I!" roared the Balrog after him. "Ffucking ffailed ffuckwit ffalling wizard!"

Must dash. So long.

Several pigeons flew across the cave and pigeon turds began to rain down and splatter over the Balrog.

Slowly, the Balrog looked down at the mess. Then it looked up at the ceiling. Then it raised its whip and lashed it across the roof of the cave, the pigeons scattering easily out of its reach.

"Hey! Peegeon!" yelled a Belgian-accented voice from the depths of the cave. The Balrog wheeled to face the sound. Out of the darkness a jerry can came flying, followed by the sound of a shot. The jerry can exploded into flames in mid-air and a deluge of liquid fire poured over the Balrog.

"Oh you stupid fucking twat", said the Balrog, shaking its head sadly. "What kind of dickhead tries to set fire to a fucking fire demon, for fuck's sake?" It looked up at the Fellowship. "Is that the best you can fucking do? One worn out geriatric ffart and one dwarf with a brain even smaller than the rest of him? Fuck this, I'm off. Call me back when you've got some fighters worth fucking fighting." It shimmered and faded into invisibility.

"Those things radiation-proof?"

"Not as far as I know."

"Didn't think so. That'll do, then. Wonder how far he has to go to find somewhere to wash that shit off. Har, har, har..."

Aragorn quickly lead us away from there into the bright sunshine. We took a break and we all huddled together in group and cried. Again. Merry and Pippin. Frodo and Sam, Aragorn was by himself thinking, and Gimli was naturally to himself. Dirty little git, right in front of everyone. Legolas and I formed our own group together as we almost always are now. Fuck knows where Boromir had got to. I looked for him under Gimli, but he didn't seem to be there and Gimli isn't big enough to hide Boromir because he is a dwarf.

Ari then yelled at us to keep going. We just wanted to be together but we knew that it made since to go. We all began running again. It was a really good thing that I was in cross country or I would never have been able to do it. Of course that is also why I have shit tits but I didn't tell them that.

Suddenly we came over a hill and there was a big forest ahead of us. We slowed down and entered it. That made a bit of a change for Legolas. Gimli drew all the Hobbits aside and began warning them about this place. Saying there was n Elf Witch. Her name was Elf Nsafety. Abruptly, a bunch of elves appeared ahead of us with there bows drawn. Aragorn and there leader began talking to each other in elfish.

We were then led around some paths and came upon a huge tree city. The trees didn't notice. Legolas looked a bit hurt.

"Welcome to Lothlorien," he said nicely. He then lead us up a flight of pigeons appeared and shat on us again. We went up some stairs and into a large open space. Two elves climbed down the stairs bathed in light. One was a guy and the other a woman. This meant that we were at the top of the stairs and they were at the bottom which is kind of silly but fuck it. The pigeons all sat and looked at them.

"Where is Gandalff, for I had much desired to speak with him," the guy said. the woman looked sad and said "He has fallen into shadow. He always was a ffailure. They then talked for a while. She introduced them as Galadriel and Kelaborn, king and queen of Lothlorien.

To me hock, her voice sounded in my head, much like Clarygo's and Bill's had. Welcome, child into the magical realm. You are always welcome in my home. Oh and by the way with this telepathy thing I can see your tits through your dress and they are bloody horrific.

""To me hock"? What the fuck?"

"Fuck knows. Something to do with horses' legs?"

"Either that or she's been getting so pissed on German wine she thinks Galadriel is Clarissa McDougall..."

"Hey, there's a thought. Why don't we drop her on Lyrane and see what Helen's pals make of her?"

"A corpse."

"Exactly... and then we could bring her back here as a zombie, just to fuck the rest of her story up even more."

"Would anyone notice the difference?"

"It couldn't make her cunt smell any worse, that's for sure. Or her tits any more shit."

"And the zombies eating brains thing is supposed to be something about compensating for their own brains rotting away, so it'd make no sense for her to be doing it."

"Nah, I think we can have more fun if we retain the option of having her die here. Middle-earth doesn't really have zombies, anyway, so it'd be a job to make her fit."

"Like she fits anyway? It doesn't have things like her either..."

"Who knows? Maybe it does but JR never wrote any stories about them..."

"Sensible chap."

"What is all this crappy-ass telepathy shit anyway? Every fucking Vera that writes about Galadriel does it. I mean... well you know, we all know what I bloody mean. Tolkien got it pretty good. All that's supposed to happen is she plays the stare game with the Fellowship and freaks them out a bit so their own guilty consciences do the rest. Why does every flaming divot write her like Kinnison when he's checking out his new Second Stage stuff? Fucking cunts. Write her like Mentor as a minimum or else don't fucking bother."

"Oh, that's just Peter Jacksoff again. I think that was another of the bits he fucked up and now all the Veras copy it."

"Oh, is it? Stupid Aussie twat."

"New Zoiland twat."

"Same difference, he's still upside down and fucks sheep..."

We went to look for some lead to make me a dress so poor Galadriel didn't have to see my tits but we couldn't find any. Then we all went down to a nice grassy area. A lament for Gandalff was being sung over head. Legolas looked like he was going to cry so I went over and he held me and cried into my hair. He eventually fell asleep and left me sat there with my hair all full of snot and dribble.

I heard a noise and looked up to see Galadriel looking at me and gesturing for me to follow her. WE walked down a flight of stairs and she took a pitcher and filled it with water. She then took it and filled a basin with it. Immediately loads of pigeons flew down and started bathing in it. Galadriel said to wait until they had done.

After they had all finished Galadriel spoke. "Will you look, child?" she asked. "The mirror will how you what will happen, or what might happen. Or do you just need to wash your hair? I don't even know."

"I will," I aid I went over and took a look. Inside the mirror was all feathers and pigeon shit. I scooped it all out and then I saw me and Legolas. We looked happy. You could certainly tell with Legolas. Then it was torn away and now he looked really unhappy. We saw the hobbits were tiredly climbing a hill, Aragorn was leading a battle, and trolls were trying to kill Merry and Pippin. It was a nice change for them from being on the internet. I should know. Suddenly a big eye engulfed my vision. It was really big and flamey and it had a pupil that looked like something rude. I knew it was looking at my tits. I fell away. I felt really thirsty so I took a drink from the mirror. It tasted really good so I drank the whole thing. I even drank the crumbs of pigeon shit that were still at the bottom of it.

Suddenly I felt weird. This was not unusual. I went back to the grassy area and I fell asleep right there. I had forgotten all about washing my hair and anyway I had drunk all the water.

Galadriel watched her out of sight and then turned back to the bowl. "Idiot", she said quietly to herself. "Never known one actually drink the mucky water before. Pigeon shit and all."

She lifted the basin, a plain white porcelain one, rinsed it out and tucked it away behind the pedestal, bringing out the silver one at the same time and putting it back in its place. She poured a little water into it, breathed on it, and looked into it briefly, then snorted with laughter and emptied it again.

Two slightly damp pigeons flew down and landed on her shoulders, one on each side. The one on her right began gently preening her hair, while the one on her left stuck her beak in Galadriel's ear and started crooning to her. "Ooooooorrrrrrr, oooooooorrrrrrr, oooooooorrrrrr, Gala, Gala, we love you, Gala. Oooooorrrrr, oooooorrrrrr, ooooooorrrrrrr..."

Galadriel smiled and crossed her arms in front of her as she reached up to tickle both their chests at once. "Ah, my birds", she said. "I love you too." She laughed. "Score another hit for the Birdbath of Galadriel. And she even drank it..." and with the pigeons still tending her she walked happily back into the sunshine.

AN: Why does everyone think that this is a parody or a troll??!?! This is just a story I am writing and everyone keeps trying to say it something else. And there are all these pigeons that keep flying around and shitting on everything who keeps putting pigeons in here?

Aragorn was walking slowly through the trees by the river, trying to settle his thoughts. He had a headache. Normally the sweet air of Lorien would have cured that straight away but under the current circumstances it just wasn't happening. He needed to plan his strategy for the next stage of the quest but every time he tried to think about it he ended up more confused than he had been before. It was as if his mind was a tree of autumn leaves and his consciousness was the wind that blew the leaves away even as it met them.

It was that stupid fucking shitheaded look-at-me vacuous bitch, that's what it was. It was as if her stupidity was infectious. Spend more than a couple of days in her company and you could feel your own brain turning to mush. If only Elrond hadn't sent her along with them... but no, he couldn't blame Elrond. He had his own vital part to play and he couldn't risk having his entire household transformed into dribbling mongs. He would have been as surprised as Aragorn had been to find that the party had not been attacked by Wargs. Knowing the state the lands were in now he had judged it impossible to reach Lorien unmolested and he had thought it inevitable that they would take casualties. Leaving Vearanniel to be eaten by Wargs could very well have saved the rest of the company; it had been a sound plan. But against all odds they had seen no sign of Wargs and their only casualty had been Gandalff knocking the bridge out from under his own feet, the flaming great dick... and that was another thing; if only they had had Gandalf with them; Aragorn could not imagine Gandalf doing anything quite so bleeding stupid. But for some reason nobody could find him - which was pretty disastrous in itself, to put it mildly - and this Gandalff dude had been the best substitute they could get.

He felt the weight of Anduril hanging at his side. It would be so easy to just stab the stupid cow and have done. But to murder a member of one's own company in cold blood would be to lower oneself to the level of Mordor. Such were the paths through which evil sought to corrupt them all. While she might be a giant fucking pain in the arse she was still essentially on their own side. Awkward though the thought might be, it was after all the future of such clueless jerks that they were fundamentally fighting for; whether they won or lost, still the great would fade, and while the might of Gondor might endure a while after the elves had departed it too would soon inevitably wane and die. A victory gained by the methods of Mordor would be no victory at all. The world could not be made safe for the small people unless the great held true to the end.

Such was Aragorn's gloom as he slowly followed the bank of the river. Suddenly he pulled up short. Before him was a deep still pool. Here in happier times the elves were wont to bathe. But no elves were bathing now. In the depths of the pool there stood a stillage, stacked with what appeared to be rods of some grey metal. An unnatural glow of blue light, eerie yet strangely beautiful, surrounded the rods and filled the entire pool with its pale radiance.

"What evil is this?" said Aragorn in shock. "Has the corruption of Sauron spread even to the waters of the Golden Wood?"

He started as a melodious bubbling sound came from a nearby tree. Looking round, he saw a pigeon regarding him from the branches. Though he could not say why, the bird seemed to him to have a look of amusement.

"It's nothing to be alarmed over", said the pigeon. "They are spent nuclear fuel elements. We put them there. You will take no harm as long as you don't go in the water... and the elves will take no harm even if they do."

"Spent nuclear fuel elements?" said Aragorn. "What manner of device are they? And why have you put them in this pool?"

"To help you", said the pigeon. "We know you need peace. There is a hole in the trunk of this tree. In the hole you will find a bottle. Take it."

Aragorn stepped up to the tree and inspected the hole, not without a certain unease. There was, indeed, something in the hole. Gingerly he took it out. A bottle it was; a small bottle of glazed stoneware, sealed with a cork. He could feel the weight of some liquid sloshing around inside it. It was a comfortably familiar shape. The shelves of the dispensary of the Houses of Healing in Minas Tirith were laden with bottles of just this kind.

"This looks like medicine", he said. He removed the cork and sniffed. The smell was entirely strange to him. "But if it is, it is no medicine that I have ever seen. What is the sickness that it cures?"

"If a human goes into this pool", said the pigeon, "or even just gets too near it... No, you're fine where you are... they will be... poisoned, is the best word for it. What you have there is the antidote. We made it. Two thimblefuls is the dose for a mild case; a severe case may need up to six. Without that medicine, death is inevitable."

"I do not trust this", said Aragorn. "It smells... odd. Moreover, I do not understand what you are doing. You say you have poisoned the pool. A pool in the Golden Wood." He frowned. "You are aware that if any of the folk of the Wood were to see what you have done they would shoot you where you stand?"

"Is it?" said the bird, unconcerned. "And that statement should worry me why, exactly?"

"The prospect of being spitted upon an elven arrow does not cause you concern? I cannot believe that."

"It might if there was any chance it might actually happen", said the pigeon. "'Ere." A large bow and a quiver of arrows materialised at the feet of the startled Aragorn.

Keeping a wary eye on the pigeon, Aragorn knelt and picked up the weapon. His eyebrows lifted as he felt the draw.

"English longbow", said the pigeon.


"Think of the Rohirrim in a thousand years' time and you won't be too far off. Not so hot on the horses though; they do have cavalry, but foot soldiers are more use to them most of the time. These bows are their speciality. They rain down arrows like hail on their enemies from well out of range of any return fire. Lethal fuckers. Their warriors train from childhood to be able to draw those bows in battle, but they're still quite small chaps compared to a Dúnadan, so I reckon you ought to be able to manage the thing for one shot at least. Goo on, 'ave a crack."

Aragorn fitted an arrow to the string and aimed at the pigeon, testing the feel of the weapon. The pigeon did not move.

With a swift, smooth movement, he drew the string fully back and fired. The arrow sped straight and true towards the pigeon, who leaned to one side a couple of inches to let it pass, and a large boulder thumped to the ground right in front of Aragorn, missing the toes of his boots by a couple of millimetres. The arrow embedded itself in the bank on the far side of the river, leaving only the flights visible.

Aragorn looked down at the boulder, then back up at the bird. "I think you have made your point", he said.

"Have I arse", replied the pigeon.

Aragorn waited for the bird to elucidate this crude and baffling denial. After a while it became clear that this was not going to happen, and Aragorn decided that continuing in this digression would serve no good purpose.

He cleared his throat. "You have put a strange poison into this pool. Why? You have warned me of it, so I will not go nearer. Why, then, do I need the antidote? You say it is to help me. Of what use to me is a poisoned pool? Why does the pool glow blue? And what is a spent nuclear fuel element?"

He sat down on the ground and leaned his back against another tree. He folded his arms and waited for the pigeon to speak.

"Oh, fuck", said the pigeon. "Er... shit, this is complicated... Look, you know the Silmarils, right?"

"Of course. Fëanor's greatest work, and his greatest folly. They are the stuff of legend."

"Well they were nuclear devices. Fusion rather than fission, but that's by the by. Still nuclear. Everyone thinks he lost the ability to make such things after he had done it. Odd, that. The greatest craftsman the elves had ever seen", said the pigeon in tones of withering scorn, "or so they thought, and he forgot how he had made his greatest achievement? Didn't know well enough what he had done to do it again? Don't you find that a little hard to believe?"

"I had never given the matter much thought", said Aragorn. "But you have a point. Go on, I am intrigued."

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe he was not allowed to remember? That someone else, someone who knew a lot more about the job than he did, saw what a fucked up mess he'd made of it - because of not knowing enough to see that they even could fuck people's heads up, let alone knowing how badly, or how to make them properly so as not to do it - saw what the headfuck was going to do to the Elves and the world, figured that one such truckload of shit is one more than any world needs, and decided to make sure there wouldn't be another?"

"I suppose it would have been possible", said Aragorn. "But everyone knows the Valar did no such thing. It was they who asked him to take them apart, and he refused because he couldn't put them back together if he did."

"Not the fucking Valar", scoffed the pigeon. "Those useless fucking cunts fucked the whole thing from here to Sunday. Pretty much every single fucking thing they did made the fucking situation worse. You'd have thought they actually wanted the whole thing to go to shit. Nah, fuck the Valar. I'm talking about someone better than them. Someone who knew exactly what a vile pool of diseased shit Fëanor was and didn't give a split rat's ass what happened to the evil cunt if it took away some risk of him fucking people up any worse than he had already."

It took Aragorn a while to find his voice after this. After a few incoherent splutters he managed to get out, "Did I just hear a pigeon call the Valar a bunch of useless fucking cunts?"

"Met 'em?" asked the bird.

"Don't be an idiot. Of course not."

"I have. Fucking shower. Most of 'em are all right as individuals, at least the women are, but get 'em in a bunch and what you end up with is one humungous giant clusterfuck. Wouldn't be so bad if the blokes weren't there. The women are OK - still pretty thick, but at least they understand concepts like "sympathy" and "compassion" and "blaming the troublemaker rather than the victims". Trouble is they have to pretty much start a riot before any of the blokes will even listen to them, let alone take any notice. The blokes are pretty much just a bunch of tossers. Most of them have got their heads so far up their own arses they can see daylight through their own mouths. Ra, ra, look at me, I'm so cool that I don't give a fuck about the shit the Elves are in which wouldn't have happened if we hadn't brought them here to begin with. Twats."

Aragorn's shock was now compounded by an unfortunate impulse to take the metaphor literally and try and figure out exactly how it worked. To visualise a Klein bottle is quite brain-twisting enough in any case; for a couple of minutes Aragorn could do nothing but boggle as he tried to force images of Vala-shaped Klein bottles engaged in a mass orgy out of his head.

"Come on", said the pigeon when he had got fed up with waiting. "Who do you reckon it was zapped that festering little dog turd in the head?"

"I've no idea", said Aragorn weakly.

"Yes you bloody have", said the pigeon. "Someone who knows exactly how little that repellent blob of putrid pus is worth? ... Someone you know personally? ... Someone who - and this is a fucking massive clue that I shouldn't really tell you but I don't think it matters at this point, someone who knows, who always has known, how to make things like that - proper ones, that are purely beautiful and do not fuck people's heads up - as you will see for yourself, in a few weeks' time, before you travel any further?"

Aragorn boggled some more. But by golly, he did know. He could hear the sound of a name inside his head; the name of the only person who fit all the pigeon's clues. Someone he indeed did know personally, and was immensely glad and honoured to count as a true friend.


"Galadriel", confirmed the pigeon. "The greatest. The greatest ever. She knows nuclear. She can clue you in on this shit a lot better than I can."

Aragorn stood up. "I shall go and speak to her. I am still not entirely sure that I can trust you. But I cannot deny that there is some sense, and certainly some interest, in what you say. She must know of this in any case", he inclined his head towards the pool, "and I shall lay your tale before her. And then... this is her realm. What may follow is for the Lady to decide." He nodded to the pigeon and strode off into the woods, heading for Caras Galadhon.

"And that is going to blow your mind", murmured the pigeon, watching him go. Then he turned to look along the river bank; his sensitive ears, far more acute than a human's, had caught the sound of footsteps. In the distance two figures were approaching, one a little way behind the other.

"Phew", said the bird. "Just in time, whooooooshsplat." And in the silence of his mind he added, "Thanks, Gala, bang on as usual you awesome love..."

The next morning I was awakened quite early. I had had horrible dreams all night about Gandalff and the rest of us. His cock had been two feet long and really skinny and wrinkly and he could move it about like an elephant's trunk. When I woke up, I felt a little funny. That was Gimli of course. When he realised I wasn't Boromir he ran away. I reached up and touched my ears and to my surprise, they had become pointy. So I found some scissors and cut them round again. It hurt like fuck but I couldn't stand the thought of having weird-ass ears like that. I decided that I need to go for a walk. I went down near the river.

I found my way thru the maze of paths easily. It was almost like I had been there before. The direction signs carved on all the trees were really useful. I looked at the blueness of the water and wondered why it was like that. There were all these like metal rod things down there and the blue seemed to be coming out of them. I felt very sad. Gandalff had been a very deer friend. That is what he said although we had not actually met any deer but with a cock like that it was probably true. We had gotten to know each other very well on the journey but not that well because he was gay. Although he did say he sometimes thought about trying girls but he never had and now it was too late and I would never know what it was like to be fucked with a prehensile cock. A single tear slid down the side of my face and slid into the water. I heard an elf behind me and turned to see Legolas standing beside me. Hi gorgeous eyes were sad and he looked concerned for me.

"What troubles you, my delicate flower"? asked him. "Is it the state of your tits again, as usual?"

"Oh Legolas" I cried and jumped into his arms. He held me in his warm arms for a long time as I cried and cried until his shirt was all soggy.

"Its ok" he said comforting me. "I can usually manage to pretend I haven't seen them."

I looked ninto his eyes and was so in love! I cant explain how much I love him!!!1 I was so happy just to be in his muscular arms smiled contentedly and started responing again. I snuggled closer.he giggled and a pigeon flew over us and shat on my head. He said "Lets go swim."

Suddenly I remembered that I still needed to wash my hair. "Yes my love"! I answered.

I stripped out of my awful dress and was left in my lacey underwear. I was kind of embarrassed because they were very small and it was really obvious how shit my tits are. Also I had been responing into my knickers every time I thought of Legolas for the whole journey and they were so crusty now they were almost solid. Leggy took off his clothes to and we splashed around in the pretty water. I had started calling him that because he looks like he has three legs. We laughed and swam for hours. Then we got out and I layed in his arms on the ground. No one else was there, except the pigeons of course which were everywhere as usual. Some of them lowered a hook into the water with some string and pulled out one of the metal rod things and then they all started eating it. He kissed my forehead and whispered in my ears. I sighed and snuggled closer. Then I stood up and unfastened my brand dropped it to the ground . The elf starred and said:

"You are truly the shittest-titted bitch in the whole sodding world! What a difference from the Lady Galadriel, who is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen!!!" He said

I smiled down at him with both sets of lips at once.

"Oh Legolas! Take me knickers off and shag me now!!!! I said. So he did but half way through I felt sick and started puking blood and my hair fell out. I hoped my bush would fall out as well but even though Legolas was going like a rabbit on speed he couldn't shake it loose. When he had finished he took me to see Aragorn who said it was the metal rod things in the water. So I asked why wasn't Legolas ill too and he said because he is an elf. Anyway then he gave me some magic medicine and I went unconscious and didn't wake up for three weeks but when I did I was 100% better. Even the sore bit on the top of my head had gone but it wasn't long before a pigeon shat on me and it came back.

After we had been in Lothlorien for a while, Ari said that it was time to go. I was sad because I had missed most of it being unconscious from the medicine but at least I was not puking blood any more. We all began to prepare to leave. The Lady Galadriel gave us all gifts. Listing them all would take a looong time, so I won't do that. Instead, I will just say what Frodo and I got. Frodo got a little glass thing with the light of the star of Arundel in it, this is a prize winning Shorthorn from the time of Queen Victoria which was owned by SliOliTIIOJtN 1IEH13S OF KN GLAND until the elves nicked it. but I got any even better gift. I got a bicycle although what I really wanted was a sword that would never let me loose a battle. This would probably be a good thing for me; I really don't want to die but I think I probably will anyway in the near future. It was a really nice bicycle too with a basket, a bell that ringed and things to make it look good. The entire company got these really nice cloaks that made it harder for people to see us, unlike the new U.S. Army camouflage. Man those guys are doomed.

We all got into some really nice boats that were provided by the people of Loth. It was nice. They had these cool fish boxes in case we caught any fish on the way and the benches were really easy to sit on. There were some nice old fishing rods for us to catch fish with and even books on fishing to tell us how to do it, there were books about trains as well. Leggy and I were in one boat, but, unfortunately, Gimli had to ride with us because we still didn't know where Boromir was, the last time he had been around was when we were in Moria and he told me to fuck off. he was probably still in there crying. I was crying too because my new bicycle wouldn't fit in the boat so I had to leave it behind and I hadn't even ridden it yet. Galadriel was very sorry and gave me this little katana instead to try and make up which the elves had taken off a man who had tried to stop them taking the bicycle. She thought I would like it as a reminder of our world but it was shit, I tried to shave my bush with it and after that you'd be lucky if you could use it to cut fucking bread.

The others were in other boats. Legolas and I talked with each other for all the time that we rode in our little boat. It reminded me of the boats that they put you in in the little love tunnels except when you are in those you don't usually have a shit gay dwarf as a gooseberry. Mind you you would need a bigger boat than this one for my love tunnel after Legolas and Bill had been at it. Apparently, Aragorn had a cock the size of a mouse's but even so he still had full intentions of marrying Arwen. That surprised me, but she can ruin her life if she wants.

Aragorn had, in fact, put his hand down his trousers and stuck the end of his thumb out of his fly to simulate a tiny penis. He had figured it was the method involving the least effort to get Vearanniel to fuck off. After five minutes of alternation between complaints about the minute size and insistent demands that he give her an orgasm anyway he had got fed up and let go so she fell in the river; probably, then, it indeed had been the minimum effort, as he had already tried just chucking her in the river without any preliminaries and it hadn't worked.

Right now he was looking astern, back up the river. It was night, and something seemed to be going on behind them in the darkness. Some distance upriver, on the level of the water, was what looked like a log with a pair of palely luminous eyes. It appeared to be following them. Then there was a whir of wings in the darkness followed by some splashing. The eyes disappeared, and faintly he heard what sounded like a voice saying "Nassty birdses, it shitss on uss, preciouss. And it burns uss, preciouss, it burns uss! Nassty burnsy shitses, preciouss!"

The wings sounded again, and a pigeon landed on the transom and sat looking at him.

"Wotcher, mate", said the bird. "Remember me?"

He didn't. They all looked the same to him, but on the other hand the familiar address was a significant constraint on the phase space. "You are the bird from the poisoned pool?"

"'Sme", replied the pigeon. "They all off in the land of nod?" he continued, indicating with a tilt of his head the other occupants of the boat.

"They are", answered Aragorn, unsure whether this was a good thing at the moment or not.

"Cool. Just dropped by to apologise", said the pigeon. "For fucking you around."

"Oh?" said Aragorn in surprise. "Oh, well..."

"Had to get you the fuck away from that pool, A before you decided to look at it any closer and B before Vera turned up with Legolas for her swim and fuck. And you wouldn't have gone if I'd just said "get the fuck away from this pool before Vera turns up". Dumping a bunch of weird-ass shit in your head so you'd feel you had to go and tell Gala soon-as was the best I could think of. Hate doing that kind of devious shite and I've felt like a cunt about it ever since, even if it was for your own good. So I just dropped in to say sorry about it."

"Oh, well, er, that's very gracious of you. Thank you, er..." said Aragorn, distinctly taken aback. This was most unexpected.

"Don't mench, old chap", said the pigeon. "Y'know... or maybe you don't if you don't know pigeons... we like you a lot, Aragorn. You're a good lad. Keep it up. See you around", and with that the pigeon was gone.

"I didn't think they could fly in the dark", muttered Aragorn irrelevantly to himself. "Well, well, well. Bugger me sideways with a stick." Maybe these pain in the arse birds weren't complete twats after all...

We went down the river for a very long way. The churning water swarmed against the hull of the boat. We read the fishing books and found out how to fish so we were never hungry. We caught lots. We even tried fishing at night but the night fish were rude and said to fuck off and sstop throwing nassty hookses at uss preciouss. Gimli read all the train books several times and talked to us all the time about how this was just what the dwarves needed for their mines and how he was going to build his own railway when we got home and all the trains he was going to have on it. It was all incredibly hypnotic. I found my self slowing drifting off into a deep sleep. When I woke up, two giant statues loomed over us with like millions of pigeons sat on them and flying about. Aragorn spoke of them in a deep serious voice and told us that they were pigeons but we could see that. The statues were of kings from a long forgotten realm. Gimli said there were places where the train tracks went through tunnels with towers either side and the river going between the statues reminded him of that. He tried to show us the picture in the book but he couldn't find it because Legolas had been using pages out of that book to wipe his arse with. Gimli got angry and said why couldn't he just wash his arse in the river like everyone else was doing. I said I didn't, it was easier just to let it dry and then scratch it off later when it was hard and flaky. He said that would do as well. In their shadow we climbed out to take a rest.

Not that we really needed a rest. Legs told Aragorn so, but he apparently didn't want to listen to reason. He said that he didn't care if he was in a different boat, he'd still been having to hear Gimli going on and on about fucking trains for the last nine fucking days and if he didn't get a chance to get out of earshot soon he would throw the little fucker in the fucking river with his armour on and be buggered to him. I tried to cheer him up saying wasn't Gimli such a shit gay dwarf but he told me to shut up because I had a bucket fanny as well as shit tits. It's not my fault he has such a tiny cock. He said that we also needed to decide which way we wanted to go. Some people were under the impression that we should all go to Minas tirith. Gimli said he was going to build a railway to Minas Tirith and if we cared to wait a few years while he did it he would take us there on the train. Aragorn said he was sick to the fucking bollocks of Gimli going on about fucking trains and would he just for fuck's sake shut the fuck up. I was in opinion that we should go straight to Mount Doom and get everything over with. Gimli said he was going to build a railway there as well. Aragorn told him not to be an idiot because noone would want to go there. Gimli said that wasn't the point because it was a volcanic area so there would be lots of interesting mineralisation to dig mines in and they would need to be able to run trains there to cart all the ore away. Aragorn lost his temper and picked him up by the ankles and threw him a really long way and he got stuck in a tree. Frodo slipped away without anyone knowing. Eventually, so did Boromir. Fuck knows where he had reappeared from all of a sudden, it must have been while I was asleep.

When we noticed we all went looking for them. I drew my short katana, because I had an eerie premonition that something bad was going to happen. I would have drawn a long one as well but there wasn't room on the paper. Abruptly a bunch of orc popped out from behind some trees and tried to kill us. Legolas and I started to kill them systematically or at least Legolas did, I swung my katana at an orc but it just bounced off and I had to run away really fast before the orc got me. Gimli did what he could; Aragorn was nowhere to be seen. This was weird because Gimli was still stuck in the tree. Then his beard fell off and we found out that it was really Aragorn shuffling around on his knees. He had disguised himself as Gimli for the fight because he was fed up of me calling Gimli a shit gay dwarf. Gimli gave up trying to get out of the tree and sat there pretending he was a crashed plane. We cleared the area immediately around us when we heard a large fog horn noise,

"Boromir blowing his nose!," Legolas cried!

They all ran to help find a hanky for him but I had a funny feeling. Then I realised I had absentmindedly put my hands on my tits. I let go of them and ran quickly back to the camp. All of Frodo's stuff was gone and he was in a boat rowing to the other shore. Sam was floundering towards him.

"No Sam, you cant! Stop flaandering and facking swim!!!!" Frodo cried in a London accent for some reason.

I quickly grabbed my sack and swam out to meet them. I grabbed Sam and helped him get into the boat.

"I realise that we are talking mammalian genitalia here and it's not my area of expertise, but is she really supposed to have a sack?"

"No, she's just stupid and thinks she has. If you look closely you can see it's just the state of her bush after not washing or shaving for weeks."

"Oh, right. I think I'll pass on the closeup, thanks... No, really... Fucksake, UNZOOM IT RIGHT NOW, that's fucking vile."

"OK, OK, keep your feathers on." The scene returned to normal magnification.

"I'll never understand why humans wrap it up in clothes. So unhygienic. Keeps all the muck in. Fuck me, that was worse than the arse of a chick that won't get out of the nest to shit."

"Frodo, I said I would go with you tomorrow, so I shall, I keep my promises," I said. "Legolas isn't here so I won't tell him if you don't."

The three of us got to the other shore and climbed up the bank. We climbed up a foot but we were still getting splashed so we decided to go higher and climbed a hill. We still weren't high enough so we had to wait around for millions of years while geological forces turned the hill into a mountain and saw the massive tracts of land that we would have to traverse. A great mountain range it was. With a sigh I thought of my shit tits. we all prepared to go.

"Maybe we should, what do you call it, break for the night," Frodo said.

All of a sudden we heard a noise in the bushes behind us. I pulled my katana a swirled. Legolas stood there, damp from the river. I ran and through my cloak around his wet shoulders. I could hear Frodo swearing under his breath.

"Legolas, why are you here? You should go to minas tirith. I was just about to get some hobbit cock and now you've ruined it." I cried, feeling a joy for him being there. It trickled gently down my leg.

"My love, I could guess that as soon as I saw you had legged it with him. I could not stand there watching Boromir blowing his nose after being parted from you for so long. Yes, I know it was only five minutes. The state of his hanky was just too much like the crotch of your knickers. So I followed you th second that I new you were gone."

So this was our new fellowship. Legolas, Me, Sam and Frodo.

AN just so you know, I do have a beta reader, and I wont sack her. I think she is doing an ok job. Though I do have this big red itchy burn on top of my head and it won't go away.

The next morning we all woke up early. I had had a dream about Gandalff again. His robe had changed from grey to white now and he had a new hat with "Ffailed" written on it in sequins. he was riding a white horse leading people.

"Come on my tits," Legolas, "we must hurry and complete our task."

"You may be near completing, but I'm not", he replied. "Your tits are so shit I don't know how I ever manage to complete at all. I'm gonna be a while yet unless you give me a hand. ...No, the other hand, the slimy one. ...Ow, that scratches, you've got some of your brillo pad pubes stuck to it."

We all began our journey again after eating some Lembas. That was the name Legolas had made up for the crusty stuff in my knickers. It tasted pretty good. Then we started walking again. We walked for a long time. We stopped for some Lembas lunch. Then we walked some more. Eventually we realized we were lost. This was, of course, to be expected as I was traveling with a bunch of men. They have no idea where to go and they wouldn't listen to me. Not that it would have done them any good because I have no idea either. I suppose we could have asked the pigeons but I was afraid of what they would tell the others about me if we talked to them and luckily nobody else did either.

Eventually we decided that we should keep going. We caught this little slimy thing called Gollum and he promised that he would show us how to get out of the mountains. He told us it was usually quite easy as all you had to do was keep going down.

"We will guide you," he said. That was very odd, seeing as how there was only one person there. It was like that women back in Riverdale. We were desperate though, so we followed him. Soon, we were no longer lost.

We followed him until we decided to eat dinner. Want to guess? More Lembas!!!! How yummy. The next day we made it to these really big, smelly marshes. Gollum said "Don't follow the lights." Legolas said the smell reminded him of something.

Legolas said to me, "Don't worry, Vearanniel, I will never let you fall. Unless I'm not around at the time or I'm asleep or I'm in the middle of a good wank or having a shit or I'm looking at something really interesting in the other direction or, well, lots of things really, so pick your time carefully."

We traveled through a series of small foot paths. Frodo turned pale and looked into the water. He apparently saw something in there. I think he was using the reflections to look up my dress so no wonder he turned pale. He fell in. I let out a scream anf plunged in after him. I grabbed hid little frame which is what hobbits call it and used the skills that I had learned from life guarding school to pull him off. It sprayed right out of the water. For some reason, Legolas was crying when I came out of the water.

"Vearanniel," he wailed, "I thought that you were lost forever. Oh please don't risk yourself again!"

He took off his cloak and wrapped it around me. "I don't want you to die," he murmured. "As soon as the rigor mortis wore off you'd be so slack I'd hardly touch the sides."

On the outskirts of Fangorn forest Aragorn sat in the welcome warmth of his camp fire, his back against a tree. Nearby lay the form of Gimli, asleep under a blanket. They had followed the company of orcs to the edge of the forest and done what they could before darkness fell by way of inspecting the battle-ground where the orcs had been exterminated by the Rohirrim. They had found no sign of Merry and Pippin. Until daylight returned they could do no more.

Aragorn stood up and paced around the fire, deep in thought. Frodo and Sam, apparently, had decided to make directly for Mordor; that sub-moronic troglodyte, Vera Neil as Boromir had called her, despite having almost completely ignored all the hobbits up to that point, had taken it into her head - there was after all plenty of room in there - to go with them; and Legolas, as soon as he realised this, had chased off after her with all his elvish speed before Aragorn could stop him. If it really was Legolas. Aragorn doubted it. He had met the chap briefly at Thranduil's court and he had seemed to be a perfectly normal wood-elf, nothing like the dribbling sex-crazed idiot who had been accompanying them. He hoped fervently that their total lack of regard for anything except each other's genitalia would not result in their reckless behaviour calling unwanted attention to Frodo. He would have much preferred to have them somewhere he could keep an eye on them rather than have them potentially putting the Ring-bearer in jeopardy. On the other hand, Merry and Pippin, captured by the orcs, had been the ones at the greatest immediate focus of peril, both danger to their persons in its own right and danger to the whole mission from the likelihood of their being forced to reveal secrets to the enemy. Whether he had been right or wrong to pursue them and not Frodo, it was too late now.

He did have to admit that he was finding things vastly easier without her around. No longer was it a struggle simply to force his own brain to function. Gimli, too, seemed to be feeling the relief. He had apparently entirely forgotten about the iron carts on rails about which he had talked incessantly all the way down the Anduin; since they had begun their chase he hadn't mentioned the things even once. It was some comfort to reflect that none of the hobbits had seemed noticeably affected by her stupefying influence; he supposed that Frodo and Sam would lack neither for ability nor for opportunity to slip off unobserved while she and "Legolas" were busy shagging, and continue with their task unhampered by someone who quite evidently didn't have the first fucking clue what it was all about and to whom the only significant part of the word "conspicuous" would have been the first three letters and then only if she had been able to speak French.

No matter what, though, he was still unable to shake off a sense of deep unease. It was nothing to do with the peril of the Ring and the growing power of the enemy; it was a sense that in some fashion entirely unrelated to Sauron, the whole world was somehow out of whack. He could not define it any more coherently than that. Ever since Gandalf's mysterious disappearance there had been this feeling that the whole fabric of reality was somehow loose at the seams. Even if Frodo did succeed in destroying the Ring, he wondered, would the whole thing somehow turn out to have been a waste of time?

He started. Was that a light out there in the darkness? He wandered around until the tree shielded him from the light of the fire and leaned against it, pretending to have noticed nothing while he waited for his eyes to adjust to the dark. Yes, there was something. Here and there in the fringes of the forest bits of rock stuck out of the ground, and near the top of one of them odd streaks and crystals of minerals in it were glowing faintly in different colours. The dim light silhouetted a round grey shape in the middle of the glow; as he stared at it, a beady eye glinted and looked back at him.

"'Ey oop", said the pigeon. "'Ow's yer brush?"

That was another thing. There seemed to have been an explosion in the population of pigeons. They were everywhere. On the way through Eregion he had seen, far off, a huge flock of them mobbing a pack of crebain; though there had been no physical contact between the birds, the crebain had seemed to grow steadily weaker as the pigeons repeatedly barged through the pack, and one by one had fallen from the sky as if it had become too much effort to hold their wings open. The next day they had happened across a couple of the casualties, flopped out on the ground, dead, with trickles of dried blood coming from their beaks. Vearanniel, with an uncharacteristic impulse to hygiene, had tried to use one of them as a rag to clean herself up after sex, but had desisted when she found that rather than wiping her twat off on its feathers she was wiping its feathers off on her twat (and then, far more characteristically, had abruptly dropped the whole idea and simply pulled her knickers up over the whole soggy mess, craban feathers and all; more than likely some of them were still stuck there). And then there had been that business in Lorien where the pigeons had tricked him into giving Vearanniel a knockout draught that had kept her unconscious for the remainder of their stay... for which, he had to admit, he had been intensely thankful. The talk he had had with Galadriel about the incident had been without question the strangest conversation he had ever had.

"It would be distinctly more bristly if I knew what was going on", said Aragorn. "And a little bird tells me that the little birds might just know a little bit about it."

"Oh, ar?" said the pigeon. "Are you sure you don't mean a big blonde elf?"

"Maybe I do", said Aragorn. "I won't pretend I'm not extremely grateful for that, er, medicine business. But did it not cross your mind that you might have been going just a little too far?"

"If we'd just given you a jar of knockout juice and told you to slip it into divot features's tea", said the pigeon, "would you have done it? Not much. We had to give you a good reason to medicate her, so we did. We just forgot to tell you about the medicine's... anaesthetic side effects. Bird brains that we are."

"Oh, quite", said Aragorn. "You are indeed, if you will excuse the expression, devious little buggers. I was thinking more of the potential that the method you used to set it up had for being taken the wrong way."

"Oh, Galadriel's cool", said the pigeon, rearranging a wing. "She knows her shit. She knows where the line needs to be and that's where she puts it, unlike the fuckwits who live on our world who are all as thick as shit and panic if you fucking look at them. She's got her head screwed on the right way round all right."

It was very rare for Aragorn to find himself thoroughly astonished, but he was now. For a moment he could find no words to reply.

The pigeon looked at the expression on Aragorn's face, and made fish noises at him. "'Sup wi' you? Thought you said she told you about us?"

"She... did", said Aragorn. "At least she... well, she said..."

The pigeon let out a long, bubbling coo of merriment. "She wound you up, right? She gave you one of her little riddle rhymes that says everything but you don't understand it until it actually happens and then it hits you with a great big thump. Ooooooorrrrrrrr. She's a fucking cracker. Good old Gala. Ooooooorrrrrrr, ooooooorrrrrrr, oooooorrrrrr..." The pigeon snuggled herself down on the rock and began crooning to herself.

Aragorn began to speak again, but he hadn't got beyond beginning to form the first syllable when the pigeon cut in front of him. "Yes, we do. All us nuclear pigeons do. I suppose it does sound odd if you're not a bird yourself. Point is it's never really satisfactory a pigeon trying to relate to a skin job. There's always something that doesn't connect. It's not like that with Gala. If you didn't know you'd think she had feathers. We've known her since Valinor when we were all queak-queaks and she's just the same as one of us."

"You are from Valinor?" said Aragorn incredulously. "Surely I did not hear aright. I am sure the Lady Galadriel meant you came from another world, where there are spent nuclear fuel elements and other strange things."

"We doooo", replied the pigeon. "We come from Tellus. We're just good at getting about the place. You know, being birds and that. We just pop back and forth and visit each other a lot."

"Each other? Are you saying that the Lady visits you, on your own world? Not even the Valar can visit other worlds. They and the Elves are bound to Arda, and cannot leave it. And Men, too, cannot leave, unless it is in death."

The pigeon flew over to Aragorn and landed on his head. By screwing his eyes upwards as far as they would go he could just manage to make out an upside-down bird face looking down at him.

"Never, never, never", said the pigeon, emphasising each word with a peck, "make the mistake of thinking there is anything Gala can't do. If she wants to do something badly enough, then man, she will fucking well do it. Oh, and she never fucks it up, either. People just think she has because she wasn't trying to do what they thought she was. She gets it bang on every time and nobody realises she's done it at all if she doesn't think they need to know, she's that neat and smooth about it. She has more fucking brains and more fucking ability than the whole of the rest of this planet, including Gandalf, including Manwë and the whole fucking lot of the Valar put together. Yes, the Valar, and no I'm not talking bullshit. Believe me, man, you may think she's a great lady but you have no – fucking – idea how hugely fucking awesome she really is."

The pigeon flew back to the rock and stood there looking at Aragorn down her beak.

"I... see", said Aragorn. At least, he thought he did. "Your world, Tellus... you are not bound to it; you can walk between worlds. So you came here, and from you the Lady learned the art herself..."

"No, no, no", said the pigeon emphatically. "Back on our world we have a... mechanical brain, I suppose you could call it. A big, complex machine; it's not alive, and it doesn't really think, but it can store knowledge and use it. We are connected with it by means of a quantum entanglement - you are not a mathematician, are you?"

"Alas, no. My studies have been in lore, history, and the arts of healing and of war. Few here study the world of numbers."

"I'll not try to explain that, then, it'd take bleeding forever. But the mechanical brain has the knowledge of the art of world-walking, and through the quantum entanglement we can command it to open pathways between worlds, through which both we and other things can pass. Things we want to pass, like nuclear fuel rods and big boulders."

"So when the Lady learned what you were doing, or something, you gave her a connection to your brain machine, and she too can command it to open a path. I see."

"No, you don't fucking see at all", said the pigeon, annoyed. "We are birds, for fuck's sake. Look at my beak. How big a thing do you think I can pick up in it? And have you seen what our nests look like? You really think that we are gonna put the fucking thing together, is it? What did I tell you just a minute ago? That was no hyperbole, man; believe it."

Aragorn stared. Now, he did begin to see.

"Yeah", said the bird. "Him over there?" she jerked her head towards the east. "Fucking pussy. Gala would piss all over him. But she won't, because she's not about to fuck with the themes of the Music when it was Eru Himself who made it Be. You've to fight your battles yourself, for better or worse, and trust in His design."

She preened briefly at the feathers on the forward curve of her right wing as it lay folded against her body.

"You know the temptation of... thingy", she said. "Imagine a power that makes that look like a drop of piss. Power not just to rule, but to change the very Music from which Eru decreed this world should take its form... to really do that; not just to try, like matey boy with his discordant themes, but to actually do it. Power to do good beyond measure but which it would be the ultimate evil to actually use. Not conferred by coming into possession of some artefact, but already part of you because you were born like that. And that temptation is with you every day of your life, through all the long ages of the world, as you watch all the terrible tragedies and disasters happen around you, knowing that you could remove them from existence with barely a thought, but that you may not do it because it would tear holes in the design of the One who created the world. It fucking hurts, man. Having all that hurts our Gala just to be the lovely, wise, kind, good person that she is. Fuck. No, you can't imagine it. But we're Gala's birds, we've been with her so long, we feel what Gala feels; we know, and we've shared it with her down thousands of years, trying to help her bear the load, though fuck knows there's little enough we can do. Gala is..."

The pigeon looked at Aragorn. If she hadn't been a bird, he would have sworn that there were tears in her eyes.

"We love Gala. She is our friend. Our oldest, deepest friend. We love her more than our own breath. She is far greater than the world can ever know; we understand that... you're a lucky man, Aragorn, that you can be trusted to be told this stuff. I know you can't really understand even if I was any good at explaining it. Thousands of years is just a number to you, and that's just the easy bit. Sorry for going on. Give me five minutes to calm down a bit."

Aragorn felt as if he had been running through the forest and had suddenly gone head first into a tree. He had thought these cheeky, rude, irreverent birds had viewed the Lady with the same blithe disregard for the concept of respect that they showed towards everything. It had, quite naturally, never crossed his mind that their carefree attitude might in this instance be the manifestation of their sharing with Galadriel - Gala, for fuck's sake - a deep, ages-ancient familiarity, such that they were utterly, calmly, naturally comfortable around each other in a way that he himself could never dream of. Yet here was the bird telling him that it was he, Aragorn, of all people, who was the one who was deficient in respect. And, by Elbereth, he believed the bird. Indeed Galadriel had told him about the pigeons, but he had not fully grasped the meaning of her words until the pigeon had filled him in from the birds' point of view. And this was exactly how the pigeon had expected her to speak. Yet not one of the tales of old mentioned... and in the act of thinking this he understood why it was so, and understood also that both Galadriel and the pigeons knew what he had this instant realised; that there were no possible circumstances in which he could ever feel any desire to discuss it with anyone else. Tears pricked his own eyes; he thought of Arwen. It was a long time before either man or bird spoke again.

Aragorn was the first to break the silence. "You said... Galadriel understands the Music", he said. "So... she knows what is to come of this struggle. Victory or defeat. Peace or destruction. Whether our world will live or die."

"She does", confirmed the pigeon.

"And so do you."

"More or less."

"But you're not saying."


"I see."

"There is one thing I can tell you", said the pigeon. "All this shit with Vearanniel... it doesn't make any difference in the end. The final outcome will be the same as if she had never been here. One or two things along the way are not quite the same, but the final conclusion is not affected. And for you, personally, she is out of it - which is why I can now tell you this. You will never see her again; you need not even think of her if you don't want to."

A broad smile appeared on Aragorn's face. "I thank you indeed", he said. "That has lifted an enormous weight of worry from me. She seemed to be sending the whole world mad. To know that we do not have to plan around random insanity... maybe we can dare to entertain some hope. Who is she, anyway?"

"A twat", said the pigeon.

Aragorn laughed. "I think we all know that. But why is she here? Where did she come from, and what is she doing?"

"Do you want the short version or the long one?"

"It is still some hours until sunrise", said Aragorn. "If you have time, so do I. Give me the summary first, and we can have the detail after."

"Froody", said the pigeon. "OK. She comes from our world. She is here to massage her own ego. As well as certain other bits. She wants to make herself a big hero, and she wants to fuck Legolas. Or someone who she thinks looks like Legolas; we haven't quite worked that bit out yet, because it is too silly to make much sense of it. She doesn't give a shit how much she fucks the world up as long as she gets what she wants. So we in turn are following her about and fucking her up. It would be better if we could just get rid of her, but we can't, so the next best thing is to throw her so out of whack that she cannot leave any mark that lasts."

"I follow most of that", said Aragorn. "But why can you not, for instance, simply take her back to your world? Or even drop a boulder on her head? Surely she cannot have any real power?"

"No, she hasn't", said the pigeon. "None at all of her own. She invoked a power of our world without knowing what she was doing. Sort of like Bilbo finding you-know-what and using it to make himself invisible without knowing what it really was. She thinks it can be all about her and she can't see that she's fucking up stuff which is not about her at all."

"A victim of her own ignorance, then?"

"A victim of her own laziness and stupidity", said the pigeon. "She could have known, but she can't be arsed to find stuff out, or even to think about it."

"But how did she know of this world at all, if she is so averse to seeking?"

"Ah well, that's the long bit", said the pigeon. "I guess the tale starts in our world, a hundred years ago. At that time the most powerful nations of the world fought a terrible war, for basically no more reason than that they were too bleeding stupid not to. The rulers of the nations were fucking idiots and the military leaders were a bunch of frantic morons who were too stupid to learn that if you got punched in the face it would hurt, never mind understanding how to fight a war."

"The rulers of the nations and the military leaders", mused Aragorn. "You seem to speak of different people. Do your kings not lead their own armies in battle?"

"Kuh", scoffed the pigeon. "On our world, kings have no power. They sit in their palaces doing nothing apart from occasionally dressing up in a military uniform for people to make pictures of them looking pretty. The nations are ruled by fat old cowards who wouldn't know one end of a club from the other and sit in rooms hundreds of miles away from the front telling other people to go and fight. And the generals sit in tents miles behind the lines where they are well out of danger and try to direct the battle regardless of being too far away to have any idea what is going on. There are minor variations between different nations, but they all have the same basic setup. Wars are set in motion by people who do not risk their lives in battle and who can be pretty sure of continuing to live in fat luxury regardless of whether they win or lose. Which is how we can have a war that kills and maims half a world's generation of young men for no more reason than someone thought it seemed like a good idea at the time."

Aragorn's face was a picture. "Your world is insane", he said. "I am amazed there is anyone left to fight a war at all."

"There nearly wasn't", said the pigeon. "Twenty years after that war, there was another, even bigger and more terrible. That second war came to an end when one side, a mighty nation that controlled an entire continent, developed a weapon that could destroy an entire city in the blink of an eye. That put an end to that war sharpish. But another mighty nation that controlled an even larger continent stole the secret of the weapon and began building them for itself. Soon both nations had thousands of them. Either of them could have destroyed every one of the other's cities several times over, and the smoke of the fires would have darkened the skies of the whole world for years so no crops would grow and everyone would starve. The idea was to make it so that if a war started nobody would win and everyone would die; it was the only way to put the fat old cowards and the generals back in the front line and make them suffer the consequences. And as far as that went, it actually worked. At least as far as preventing wars on the world scale goes; there were still little ones, but no more big powerful nations fighting huge massive ones with each other. But there were several occasions when one nation mistakenly thought the other was about to start a war anyway and came within inches of destroying the other nation in retaliation before they realised they were wrong and there was nothing to retaliate against. One time the whole world was saved by one very courageous man, who defied his orders and refused to raise the alarm because he suspected there was a mistake."

"Mad", said Aragorn, shaking his head. "Quite, quite mad. Almost I could think that our own peril seemed mild. What was done to make your world safe again?"

"Nothing", said the pigeon. "It's still like that. Those two nations do now have somewhat more friendly relations and many of the weapons have been decomissioned, but there are still more than enough in service to bring about the same end. All that's really changed is that people have got so good at forgetting the way things are that governments have to invent new, imaginary perils to keep people timid and controlled."

"It is a wonder to me that you can bear to live there at all under such a threat", said Aragorn.

"We don't", cooed the pigeon smugly. "The weapons don't work. The humans think they do, but we've fucked them up. They can't tell without actually trying to use them, but if they did try, nothing would happen. We were there first, and we're buggered if we're about to have a bunch of skin jobs blow our fucking world up for us."

"Devious little buggers you are indeed", smiled Aragorn. "But let us get back to the point, from which I think we have digressed."

"Sure", said the pigeon. "This first war, then. Two great armies met head-on. Neither could defeat the other in frontal assault, so they tried to outflank each other. Neither of them could manage that either; they just ended up spreading out along a line at right angles to their original line of approach, until they had created a front four hundred miles long, with the sea at one end and mountains at the other."

¶ "They dug in, and stayed like that for the next four years. Every so often one side launched an assault but they never achieved a breakthrough, mainly because most of the generals were too bleeding stupid to change their tactics when they found their current tactics didn't work. Often the attackers were shot down as soon as they left their trenches. The entire front ended up exactly like the Dead Marshes only with actual corpses instead of phantoms, and with rats eating the corpses. There were so many dismembered corpses that the very earth was half soil and half rotting flesh. The trenches were full of mud and water and if the men raised their heads above the parapet they would instantly be shot, so they had to keep down in it all the time. Their clothing was full of lice, and the constant wet made their feet swell and rot inside their boots until they could not walk. Unsurprisingly, many of them went more or less mad. Some of them killed themselves, some went berserk and performed acts of incredible bravery which nevertheless achieved nothing at all, some of them began to see visions."

¶ "One of the men in the trenches was a man named Tolkien, a man of great learning who studied languages and legends of old. It appears that he began to see, in fragmentary and unclear form, little bits of this world. He wrote down what he had seen, and when the war was over he continued to have flashes of sight. He spent the rest of his life trying to put together the jigsaw of his visions into a coherent account of the world he saw. He never completed the task; much of what he wrote is contradictory and incomplete, since at some times he saw more than at others; and there are odd little bits he got wrong here and there; but he still managed to set down a pretty full outline of the history of this world. Many people on our world read his writings. His most famous work, and his most complete, was a translation of Bilbo's book and an account of your current struggle."

"That is truly remarkable", said Aragorn. "So our world is well known in yours? From what you say of yours I am glad that it is not better known than it is. And from what I have seen of its people also. Certainly I could wish that this Vearanniel had not read your Tolkien's histories."

"She hasn't. I wish she had", said the pigeon. "She might not be such an ignorant uncaring fuck if she understood it better. One of the difficulties of our world is that the fruits of learning are freely available to those who are neither learned nor wise. So they think they know everything when in fact they only know a tiny bit of it, ignoring the bits they can't understand or just can't be bothered with, and their false and deficient appreciation of matters leads them to do fucking stupid things."

"Ah, indeed", said Aragorn. "Those who do not know enough are often a greater danger than those who know too much. But without reading, how did she learn of our world? Was it merely from rumours and idle talk?"

"From moving pictures", said the pigeon, and shat. "On our world people make pictures that move, by means of machinery. People act out the scenes of a story in front of machines that make moving pictures of them, and then other people sit and watch the pictures. Many copies are made of the picture and they are sent all around the world; often millions of people watch it at once. They are very popular."

"I am sure they are", said Aragorn. "It sounds quite a wonder. So your Tolkien made moving pictures from his work, is that it?"

"He didn't", replied the pigeon. "Someone else did. That's where the problems start to come in. Moving pictures are made by irresponsible people who do not value truth and see no problem with changing things if they feel like it. Occasionally they have a good reason to change things, or what they see as a good reason, at least; for instance, some things can easily be written, but cannot be acted, or are too difficult to act, so they change them into something that can be acted or just miss them out of the tale altogether. But most of the time they just do it for shits and giggles. They change things for no reason at all, or they change things because they did not like some part of the tale so they make up something that suits them better. They don't care that it's wrong; they think that what they like is more important than the way things really are. And of course people who watch the moving pictures, not knowing the original tale, don't see that things have been changed; they take what they see in the pictures as being the way it really is. And as I said, moving pictures are very popular and many millions of people watch each one. And the weight of so many people believing something that is wrong has great force, and may begin to warp reality around itself."

"Aha!", exclaimed Aragorn, and thumped his leg. "Now this whole conundrum begins to make sense. By Eru, your world is a danger and a poison to all others. I thought those weapons of which you spoke were a monstrously terrible thing. Now I see that they are only a minor evil of your world. Had I the power I would visit your world and I would use them to destroy it, for in time it is sure to twist and corrupt every world that is for no more reason than the casual heedless whim of some picture-making fool. It is a far greater evil than that which we are fighting here. As long as your world exists no world anywhere will be safe."

"I thought you'd understand", said the pigeon.

"But do you understand?" said Aragorn with vehemence. "I do not speak in jest. It may not be in my power now, but when we have won out in our present struggle I shall make it my life's work to find out how it may be done. And if I do not succeed, in time my descendants will. It will avail us nothing to have vanquished our current peril if we leave so much greater a threat out of account."

"I understand completely", the pigeon replied. "I do not doubt that you will in time find a way. This is a matter about which we also are concerned. Our world has indeed warped many others including some which have power to destroy it with the flick of a finger if they knew. I am not underreacting because I doubt you, or because I think you would fail; it is simply that the most likely reason that you would fail is that someone else would have done it first. Your determination is a minor danger compared to the chance of some other world realising what ours has done and destroying it upon the instant. And you don't know the worst of it yet. I haven't told you how Vearanniel actually got here or why it is not simple for us to get her out."

Unexpectedly, Aragorn smiled. "You know, I like you", he said. "I used to think you birds were just jokers, never taking anything seriously. But you have a hard head. Were you a human or an elf I would be glad of your presence in battle. Carry on, then; I had better know the rest."

"You would be glad to fight alongside a woman, then?" said the pigeon. "I think I like you too."

From the look on his face it was obvious that Aragorn was making some rapid adjustments to his impression of the bird. But he recovered quickly. "If she had the strength to wield a sword, then certainly", he said.

"Goood, gooood, goooood", said the pigeon, shuffling her breast feathers with her beak. "Anyway. Vearanniel. The man who made the moving pictures out of Tolkien's work used a man called Orlando Bloom to act the part of the elf Legolas. Vearanniel decided she wanted to fuck him. She wasn't quite stupid enough to think she stood any chance of actually doing it. So she wrote herself into the story. She copied - very badly - those parts of the moving picture she was interested in and wrote her own story from it, changing lots more bits in the process to bring herself into it in the role of a hero and make herself get to fuck this, whatever he is, human-elf mixup with the name of Legolas and the body of Orlando Bloom and the brain of a rabbit seems to be about it. If that was all she'd done it wouldn't have mattered, it wouldn't have done anything if she'd just kept it to herself. But our world has a thing called the internet, which anyone can use to copy and copy anything they write and send it all over the world just by pressing a button. She put what she had done on the internet. And so the shit hit the fan."

If the pigeon had been a human or an elf, Aragorn's expression would have caused her to have nightmares for weeks.

"Your moving pictures", he said. "The pictures are made by machines, but it is still much effort for the people doing it, yes? Collecting actors and teaching them their parts and choosing how to make the pictures of them and... whatever else needs to be done; I imagine that there is much complication and difficulty, such that only a few people can manage to do it, am I right?"

"You are."

"But this internet thing, whatever it is, that is different. That is something someone can do on their own? Anyone can do on their own?"

"Correct. All you have to do is write. You don't have to be good at it. You just do it. And you write by pressing buttons, a different one for each letter. A machine makes the letters for you. You don't even have to know how to hold a pen."

There was silence for a while.

"We... are... fucked", said Aragorn.

Pigeons cannot smile, but they can still somehow manage to convey the impression of a smile, and this one did.

"Divvun fret, bonny lad", she said. "I haven't told you the other side of it yet."

"Let me guess", said Aragorn with a half-smile. "You're buggered if you're about to have a bunch of skin jobs blow your fucking world up for you, so you have taken countermeasures here too? If you don't mind me saying so, they don't seem to have worked very well in this case."

"Oh, they are working just fine", said the pigeon. "Again, it's kind of complicated. Yes, we have, and in fact plenty of humans on our world have too. There are lots of independent efforts to contain and nullify the damage. We all have our different methods, and they all look a bit shit when you're in the middle of them, but they all work to the same end - to weaken and disconnect the distortions in reality so that the affected world can return to its proper shape. I know it's been a bit shit for you and we're sorry about that, but it would have been a lot more shit if we hadn't been weakening it and fucking Vearanniel's ideas up for her. When the dust settles, everything gets real again - I think you'll find this is already happening for you. What passed between you and Gimli at Parth Galen?"

Aragorn looked at the sleeping form of the dwarf, over by the fire. "Why do you ask me that? Surely you know already."

"Because I want you to tell me", said the pigeon. "I want to hear it in your words."

"Well... nothing much. We were debating what paths the company should now take, and I named Gimli along with Sam and myself to accompany Frodo where he should choose to go. Though in the end Frodo slipped away without us. I threw Gimli into a tree, which I did not do." He blinked. "I took his fight placing orcs because he was not stuck in a tree... what am I on about? The orcs took Merry and Pippin, and we chased off after them. Does that answer you?"

"Perfectly", said the pigeon. "You remember clearly what rightly happened. You have confused notions about something bloody stupid, and you said nothing of Vearanniel at all. So you see, you have just shown yourself that our intervention is working. The bloody stupid bit prevented her warped reality from taking hold, so by now it has not happened. Because of that the bloody stupid bit has nothing to support its existence, and it in turn has nearly ceased to have happened, hence you are confused about it. If I had asked you tomorrow you probably would have said nothing of that either. But the true reality according to the Music is strong and healthy, and you describe it clearly and correctly because it did happen and it is real."

"But I do remember Vearanniel being there", frowned Aragorn. "She... she drew a picture of her sword, for no reason. And she went off after Frodo and Sam..."

"Oh, of course you can remember her if you specifically think about it. Her story has not yet completely disconnected from reality because there's still some of it in the future which we haven't fucked up because it hasn't happened yet. But you do have to think about it; when I asked you what happened without mentioning her, you remembered naturally without thinking about her and so you in turn didn't mention her either. And even when you do think about it it's more of an effort to recall, isn't it. Once her story has finished and we've disconnected it all the way through there will have been nothing for you to remember of her at all."

"So... her story starts off having made itself part of reality, but you follow it along as it happens and change it into something so stupid it stops being part of reality and becomes just a dream. And when it's finished, the whole thing will have become a dream and so it becomes harder and harder to recall until it's completely forgotten, as dreams usually do. Is that near the mark?"

"Actually it's more or less totally wrong", said the pigeon. "As far as how it works goes, at any rate. But for you to grasp accurately how it does work we'd have to spend years teaching you the mathematics and physics behind it. In terms of how it looks, though, it's very good, so by all means think of it like that if it helps."

"Years as in too long to do it now, or years literally?"

"Oh, literally. You'd have to be starting right from scratch, beginning with the basic mathematical tools and mindset that you'd need to know in order to understand the more complex ideas that you have to be familiar with to understand the more complex ideas still... and so on and so on. There is rather a lot of it, I'm afraid."

"Well... maybe the day will come when I do have the time." Aragorn smiled. "For the moment I think I understand well enough. I don't have to tell you how glad I am that you and these other damage recovery teams have the situation under control, and I thank you for the little demonstration that your strange methods do indeed work. Do they really need to be so strange, though? Some of our experiences have been more than a little disconcerting, though I can see that had they been allowed to keep what semblance of reality Vearanniel presumably intended they could well have been more insidiously disturbing."

"That's about the size of it", said the pigeon. "You would have had an awful sense of being two people at once, the real Aragorn and the thing Vearanniel made fighting for control of the same body. Or you would just have thought you were straightforwardly going mad. At least with our method you are aware that the insanity is all some external influence, which is easier to deal with than feeling your own disintegration."

"Quite so. What sort of methods do the other teams use?"

"Well the human teams tend to specialise in one of two main techniques. One is to all sit together in a group on the sidelines and inject scorn and ridicule every few seconds to prevent the alternate reality taking hold, which works, but it's a bit hard on the people in your position. The other is to allow it to take hold but then enter it themselves using a machine to make themselves invisible and assassinate the Vearanniel-type, in her own reality as opposed to in our world, which causes the whole thing to fall apart, and then use another machine to erase your memories. That also works, but they are often attacked themselves because the invisibility machine doesn't always work, and it is not the type of method we would care to use in any case."

"What, you have a problem with assassinating Vearanniels? With all the destruction and danger they create?"

"Nooooo, not that. It's the memory erasure bit we have a problem with. You do not fuck with people's heads from the inside. Humans do it to each other all the time, with lies and sly words and weasel tongues rather than machinery, so they don't seem to see any problem with it, but we think that sort of thing is disgusting and fucking shit."

"I agree. Saruman, as I dare say you know, has quite a reputation for that sort of thing. He was not well liked even before his treachery was revealed; respected, yes, but not liked."

"Yeah, we do know. We hate Saruman. He's a cunt and a fucking piece of shit. Vile slimy little piss-licking weasel. We hate his fucking guts. Not that he has any. And his fucking crow cunts. They do the same thing to birds. We take them down, and we make sure they die slowly. Foul sickening dirty filth they are. Fucking cunts."

The pigeon was twitching one wing against her side, and nodding her head up and down. Aragorn had never seen a bird looking so obviously furious.

"We found some of your victims", he said. "Dead, of course. I would not think that they died particularly happily. But do you not risk damaging this world's reality yourselves by doing that?"

"No", said the pigeon. "Different, er, jurisdictions, as it were. As for you with anthropoids, so for us with avians. You find a band of orcs, you wipe them out. We find a pack of crebain, we wipe them out. Same thing. Though it is a pity we may not make the filthy things peck that spiteful cunt Saruman's eyes out before they die, much as we would love to."

"He was here earlier on, you know", said Aragorn after a bit. "Before you showed up. Or if it wasn't him it was someone very like him. Soon as we noticed him he shot off."

"I know", said the pigeon. "I was here; he ran off when he noticed me. Old cunt."

Aragorn chuckled. "Oh, really? A wizard, and with packs of crebain? I would not have thought him the type to have a phobia of pigeons."

"He's a coward and a bully", said the pigeon. "Textbook example. Doesn't like being hit back. He's jealous of Galadriel's power... and her beauty. He tried to seduce her over to his side. In all senses of the expression. For someone who's supposed to be wise that was a pretty good shot for the All-Arda Unbelievable Bleeding Stupidity Championship Cup. He found that out all right. So he worked out in what ways the weight of Gala's burden gives her the most pain, and he mocks those points just to hurt her. Fucking piece of shit. He knows Gala won't retaliate, but he doesn't know we won't. You know the pigeon you met in Lorien? Saruman pushed him too far once. So he started haunting him. Crash-landed on his head ten or fifteen times a day and shat down his back. Even when he was in bed or in the bath. Kept it up for about three years solid and then suddenly cut back to doing it once every month or more at random times. These days Saruman only has to hear a coo and the old cunt legs it. And even his own crebain freak him out a bit."

She looked at Aragorn out of one eye. "Yeah, yeah, not supposed to and that. We're not perfect. We're pigeons. Sometimes we lose it. Fuck with Gala and one or other of us is pretty much guaranteed to. This is personal. Scratch Gala, and we bleed."

There was another pause, Aragorn and the pigeon both thinking of Galadriel in their different ways. After a while, Aragorn broke the silence, picking up a thread which, as the conversation rambled, had slipped out of the circle of attention.

"About wizards", he said. "It is Gandalf that I wish to know about. Where is he? He was ahead of us on the road from Bree; we found his mark on Weathertop, and we were confident that he would arrive in Rivendell before us. Instead this Gandalff turned up with Vearanniel at the Ford, and that was it. Elrond's scouts scoured the countryside for Gandalf, but by the time we left they had found no trace of him, and neither had Galadriel's by the time we left Lorien. For Gandalf himself to disappear at the time when he is most needed is an ill sign indeed. If you know anything of this which you are not obliged to keep to yourselves, I would very much like to hear it."

"There are some things I can't tell you, of course", said the pigeon. "But there's a fair bit I can... although you might not like it much. It's kind of shit. Er... where to start? Moria. Tell me about Moria, your escape from it. I was there, but I want to hear your view."

Aragorn pondered for a while. "It's still fucked up", he said eventually. "Whether I allow my mind to find its own way or whether I make an effort to recall, it makes little difference. The Balrog appeared just as we had crossed the bridge. Gandalff broke the bridge to keep it from reaching us, but the silly twit forgot to get off it first and fell into the chasm. Gimli tried attacking it with some strange fire weapon he found, whereupon it said it was beneath its dignity to fight such feeble opponents and disappeared. Then we left. The very odd thing is that if I don't concentrate too hard I seem to see Gandalf falling into the chasm; not Gandalff, but Mithrandir himself. This in particular I do not understand. I cannot believe that the true Gandalf would make such an elementary and fatal mistake. Yet in addition to that, up until that time it felt disturbingly wrong that we did not have Gandalf with us, while since then it has felt wrong in a different way; sad, indeed, but disturbing not at all."

"Yeah", said the pigeon. "That's... where it gets real. Mithrandir did fall. He fought the Balrog on the bridge, and struck the bridge out from underneath it so it fell. He himself was standing on solid stone. But the Balrog caught him with its whip as it fell, and dragged him down with it. They were both lost in the chasm."

"Gandalf himself lost, in truth", said Aragorn softly. "So that is what it means."

"Yeah", said the pigeon. "I did say it was shit. I'm sorry."

Aragorn was silent. Gandalf was not just a strategic asset. He was a good friend. Aragorn had been expecting the pigeon to explain his disappearance in terms of Vearanniel's warping of reality, another part of the bad dream from which in time they would awake and Gandalf would never have been gone. Instead he had learned that now things were really what they seemed; no, this was no bad dream. The loss of Gandalf was real.

"There is one thing", said the pigeon after a while. "As far as Gandalf is concerned, Vearanniel's fucked up shit is finished. That particular warped strand has come to an end. The reality operating in this world with respect to Gandalf is now the true reality - the reality in which the tragedy is not of Vearanniel's making. Your hopes and perils are the true hopes and perils, and nothing to do with her shit."

"It could be worse, indeed a lot worse", said Aragorn. "Is that what you're saying? It is small enough comfort, but some comfort nonetheless. But who was Gandalff? And what of the Balrog? Does that not still have some power for evil while Vearanniel still exists?"

"The Balrog we fixed", said the pigeon. "You're right; with it not having died in Vearanniel's warping it would still have been a threat. That was a loose end we had to tidy up ourselves. So we shat all over it, and gave it a nice thick coating of fresh fission fragments. Exit one Balrog with its cellular repair mechanisms all blown to shit. Fuck me they don't half fall apart quick - they must be damaging themselves all the time just by existing. Must be the being on fire thing. We were expecting it to die like the crebain, but it literally fell to pieces less than an hour after you left."

Despite his sadness at the pigeon's news, Aragorn could not help but chuckle. The idea of one of Morgoth's most dreaded minions being defeated by nothing more warlike than bird shit was nothing if not comic.

The pigeon continued. "And Gandalf... You know he was three days ahead of you at Weathertop. He tried to draw the Riders off to the north, away from the Road. He was to have arrived at Rivendell some three days before you, having travelled by way of the Ettenmoors. You know what that country is like. Trolls and rocks and crags... Trolls may be no danger to Gandalf, but the silent collapse of a crumbling crag dropping a hundred tons of rocks on his head is a different matter."

"Not that different", said Aragorn. "Gandalf is not the type to be caught by surprise by a rock fall, be it silent or no."

"Reality will adjust to being warped by bending along a line of least resistance", answered the pigeon. "Disaster befalling Gandalf is too important an event to be missed, even if it takes a different form. So it moved forward in time to the last possible moment when it could happen - before the warping of reality got so bad that Gandalf could not exist in it. You see Vearanniel's garbage was supposed to begin with an impossible event - a wizard of this world opening a portal to our world and dragging her here. She wanted that wizard to be Gandalf, of course. If only the illiterate shit could fucking spell none of this would be happening. A reality thread in this world that begins with an impossibility is itself impossible and cannot come into existence. Gandalf does not have the power to open portals between the worlds and even if he could he'd never be so bleeding stupid as to bring someone like Vearanniel here with one. The only reason her warped thread was able to start at all is that she typed "G–a–n–d–a–l–f–f". This allowed there to exist another character by that name - Gandalff - who would have the ability to open the portal the tale demanded and who would be stupid enough to do it. And who would also be stupid enough to knock the bridge out from under his own feet and leave the Balrog on solid ground, instead of the other way round. People like Vearanniel don't think spelling is important... when in fact, it's crucial."

"Incredible", said Aragorn. "All this devastation of reality for the sake of one little f."

"Yeah", said the pigeon. "It really effed it up."

Coming on top of all the strain, worry and mind-bending revelations, this appalling joke was too much for Aragorn. He cracked up. All his pent up tension was released in a paroxysm of uncontrollable laughter. The tears ran down his cheeks and he was finding it difficult to breathe.

Gimli, on the other side of the fire, stirred and sat up. "Aragorn?" he said, rubbing his eyes. "You all right?"

Aragorn was still unable to speak, so the pigeon answered for him. "He's fine", she said. "I just told him a joke, that's all."

"You... are a bird", said Gimli, trying to focus. He was still half asleep.

"I am", said the pigeon. "And very glad to meet you, Gimli. In all the history of this world nobody has been so honoured as you... and quite possibly nobody ever will be again. In the lists of noble dwarves your name ranks with that of Durin himself. No dwarf, no man, no elf has had such favour as you. You are one privileged dude, chap."

Gimli was not sure if he might not still be entirely asleep. To be woken by Aragorn in fits of laughter, and compared with Durin by a bird... had he really awoken at all?

The pigeon looked at him steadily, and as the mists of sleep cleared, he understood. His hand crept to his breast. "The Lady's favour", he said. "But how do you know?"

"We are her birds", said the pigeon. "She is our friend. We have been with her from the beginning, and more than anyone do we know from what depths of her heart she bestowed that favour on you. There is a tale... but no, that is for Gala to tell, if she will. For my part, I will tell you that you saw her more truly than many an elf has done. You came to her with pure honesty and truth, and with honesty and truth you saw only the pure Galadriel. You gave to her the greatest gift you could, and she returned the favour with the love she bears you for it. I do not use that word idly, and I offer you the thanks of all of us for your gift to her."

Gimli, red to the roots of his hair, looked from the pigeon to Aragorn and back again, but found no words to say.

"She means it", smiled Aragorn. "We have been talking half the night, and it has been... enlightening. I too see now that the Lady, great though I knew her to be, is greater by far than I had imagined."

"Half the night indeed", said the pigeon. She got to her feet and stretched luxuriously, first one wing and leg, then the other, settling her wings again afterwards with a deep shrug. She looked at the sky. "And now I see that the night is nearly over. I must be on my way... but first I will bend one of my rules and drop you a crumb from the future. You deserve it." She paused, and then said: "This day will bring you great news, news that may test your belief but will greatly gladden your hearts. Take care of yourselves, good people." And with that she spread her wings and was gone.

If you are still wondering, Gentle Internet User, after reading all that, about the birdbath, and the silly gifts... it is I, as well as my silly birds, who are playing this game. Think not that I, who hold the reality of my world in my hand, could not keep the Vearanniels out should I so desire. But so near the end, when all is so nearly done... ah, why pretend? It is more fun this way. A girl needs to play sometimes... Galadriel x
PS. And Frodo did get his true gift. When she wasn't looking G x

The five of us wandered around the marshes for a really long time. The mosquitoes were really the worst and biggest ever. If you've ever done it with a mosquito you'll know what I mean. After a while we got out of the marshes and into another really rocky area. We climbed up this hill thing and looked down upon a huge gate. We heard a long fart that went on and on. Nobody would own up to it but I think it was Gollum. It sounded like a trumpet note and the gates swung open to admit a legion of people. It was really sad for out cause to see this. They were all joining the enemy. If Gollum hadn't farted they would probably have stayed where they were.

Anyway, Sam said he thought he saw a way down when the rocks skid right from under him. Frodo quickly followed him as did I. I slid down form rock to rock easily. It really was a lot like skateboarding which I did a lot in an area near my house except for the rocks being big and round and not having any wheels. That is, before my parents ended. Just thought I'd make it really obvious that I forgot they were supposed to be dead. I got to the bottom and saw they were trapped. So I pulled my cloak up and showed them where the lembas had been coming from. Gollum farted again and it hung in the air wafting around all of us. Some guards came to look at what all the noise was about, but they couldn't see us. Goodness knows what he had been eating.

After they left we prepared to make a run for the gate. Suddenly, Gollum pulled us back down and told us it was a bad idea. The gate had ten thousand volts running through it. We decided to go for a drink instead but the pubs had all closed so we had no choice. We followed him and found a good place to spend the night.

The next morning, we began our travels again. We walked forever. After a whle we stopped for a bite to eat. For some reason nobody wanted any lembas today. Golumm caught us a couple of rabbits and Sam cooked them. We were just going to eat them when we heard a horrible loud noise. All of us accept gollumm as well as we can but it's not easy when he keeps farting like that. we crept over to the ledge.

We leaned ver and saw these big things that looked like elephants, but with more tusks, and a whole lot bigger. We head a funny whooting noise which turned out to be all the pigeons doing an owl impression. Gollum farted again and a bunch of other people started firing arrows. Legolas quickly threw up. Then he tugged himself over me to prottect me from the onsluaght of arrows or at least that's what he said but really it would have taken too long to dry to do any good.

"Come one lets go," someone said. So we ran out of there. Abruptly some people threw ropes around us and dragged us off to the side. That was somewhat scarey and more than alittle annoying. I'd rather be tied up with my own knickers but they were not flexible enough these days.

"Bind them up," a hott man with an awesome cloak said. "Why has that one got such shit tits?"

We were taken away and placed in this really big really dark cave. Gollum did another fart and lit it so we could see. We looked around and saw a lot of men. I huddled closer to Legolas and he put his arms around me and began to soothingly stroke my hair. It was very relaxing. "It's goning to be ok," he crooned. "Your tits can't get any worse no matter what they do." Gollum got a blowback or whatever you call it and jumped around screaming and clutching his bum. I wasn't overly concerned. He was a slimy little git anyway. I was fully able to escape from such simple people as these men. I used to be a human after all. I knew exactly what they were thinking so therefore I was able to know what they would do and then therefore be able to escape. Then I remembered they had already noticed how shit my tits are and realised it wouldn't work.

"What's she on about, "used to be a human"? What does she think she is now?"

"Dunno. A sex doll? An animated sex doll with a semi-human br... er, central nervous system in it?"

"Even sex dolls have better tits than that."

"A shit sex doll that someone did from behind over the cooker?"

"We could always ask her... Oi! Shit tits! ...Yeah, you, cloth-ears, I'm talking to you!"

"Why are you being so rude to me?" whined Vearanniel.

"Why not? Everyone else is. What's this fucking "used to be a human" shite? You are a fucking human. At least, you're a bald monkey with shit for brains that fucks everything, so you're either a human or you're a bonobo that's been shaved, only you're too fucking thick for that."

"I'm an elf, you stupid bird! Like my Leggy!"

A human would have snorted at this point, but pigeons can't really do that; he projectile-shat over her instead, which made roughly the same sort of noise. "Fuckin' elf? Fuckin' 'ellfire more like. Where the fuck d'you get that one from?"

"I am so an elf!" shrieked Vearanniel. "I turned into one in Lorien! I grew the pointy ears and everything!"

"What, and you think that makes you an elf? Fucking elves don't fucking have pointy fucking ears, you mindless fucking cunt. If you weren't so fucking bone idle that you can't be arsed to read the fucking books about the place you pretend to like so much you'd fucking know that. Anyway, if they're so fucking elfy what d'you fucking go and cut them off for?"

"Well they looked stupid!" the moronic girl wailed. "And elves do so have pointy ears! Look at Leggy! He's got really pointy points on his!"

"Only 'cause Peter Dickhead Jackson glued the fuckers onto him", said the pigeon. "But yeah, you're right about one thing - they do look fucking stupid."

"Don't be rude about my Leggy!!!1!" the infuriated girl screamed, the tears running down her cheeks and spreading the charcoal mixed with shit which she had been trying to use for mascara over her face so she looked like Wile E. Coyote after the bomb goes off. "He's mine!! I love him!! And he loves me!!! He isn't nasty and horrible and rude like you!!!!"

"Oh don't talk such fucking arse", said the pigeon. "Does he fuck love you, you stupid fucking twat. You're just a handy spunkbucket he can use to empty his nuts in."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!1111!!!11!" screeched Vearanniel, hurling herself at the pigeon, her clawed hands upraised to catch him. She thumped into the wall of the cave, scratched at the rock beneath the ledge he was sitting on and pounded the wall with her fists in frustration. The pigeon contemplated the unedifying sight for a few seconds, his head on one side, then smoothly turned round, shat on her head, turned back, and snuggled himself down on the ledge.

Vearanniel threw herself over Legolas and clung fiercely to him, sobbing into his armpit. "You do love me, don't you, Leggy my sweet?" she wailed, her voice muffled by his shirt. "It's not true what the nasty pidgy's saying, is it?"

"There, there", murmured Legolas, stroking her hair with one hand and trying to wipe some of the dribble off himself with the other. "I don't know what I'd do without you. You're so much more absorbent than an old sock."

"There, you see!" she shrieked at the pigeon. "You nasty bird!" and she blew a long, spitty raspberry.

The pigeon just closed his eyes and buried his beak in his breast feathers.

There were pigeons in the cave too like there are everywhere here and one of them started being really mean and horrible to me and saying really nasty rude things about Leggy. I started to cry. Legolas cuddled me and told me lovely special things and I began to feel better. I am so lucky to have him.

Eventually the guy from before came ad began to interrogate us. I thought the name for it was rimming but maybe it is a different word in the way they speak round here. Frodo was obviously tounge tied so I had to step in for him.

"Sir, we are simply we are all going to see the marvels that there are to see down here in the sounth. The elf is simply our guide, we got sepperated or at least I did but it was all right as we wouldn't have had anything to eat otherwise. I probably got it from the others in our company."

"Alright, who were the others. Perhaps we can give you some knews of them."

"Two more were hobbits, a dwarf, and two men, Aragorn, and Boromir."

"Trust Boromir, anything to be near a dwarf, you were his friend?"

"I tried to be, but he was rather nasty to me, so I started taking the piss instead."

"then you will be sad to learn of his death?"

"What?? That's horrible!!! I feel really bad for his family."

"Never trust a human who says they sympathise with you over anything."

"Well I am his brother. His body came to me upon the river. He used to do that when he was asleep but I never thought he'd still do it when he was fucking dead, mind you you never could stop the dirty git once he got going. Where is the slimy guy that was with you?" he inquired.

"What guy?" I asked innocently.

"The creepy one that we saw with you. He was thin and had an odd nature about him," Faramir said pointdly. "Not that your nature's much better if that smell is what I think it is."

"No, there is noone else with us. Although we usually call him Gollum. Noon Else is just a nickname. Frodo and Sam are just sight seeing. Legolas and I are just looking for a nice place to live. That is all a load of bollocks and I really do not like the way that you seem to suspect us of ill things." I said huffily.

"Alright, lady, I suppose that you have your reasons. You seem to be a trustworthy person or at least a totally transparent one which is much the same thing in practical terms so I will not trouble you on this subject more. You can stat here the night and get some provisions for your journey. "

stat: cannot stat `here the night and get some provisions for your journey. "': No such file or directory

That night, we had a delicious meal. The men all took really well to me, but they were all really dirty and nasty in a very general since of the word. I wasn't sure if it was going to come out of my nose or if I would just burst. Eventually we all fell asleep in the puddle into nice dreamless sleeps.

Faramir woke us early the next morning. He told us to follow him so I did. He said that was very nice but the word probably didn't mean what I thought it meant. He explained what it did mean and we followed him around to a rock that over looked a waterfall. Gollum was swimming in the pool below.

"My archers are prepared to shoot," he hissed at us while raising his hand in the motion for shoot. You know, like the Nescafe ad but more vigorous.

"No please don't," cried Frodo. 'He is our guide! Without him we would not have known about needing to go down to get out of mountains and we'd be completely lost."

"I thought as much," Fari said smugly. "None of you stunted little gits have any clue about basic topography."

Frodo went down to lure Gollum from the water. Faramir captured him with the emotions of my aunt and told him to kick my puppy. That is to say, without any at all.

"No," I screamed. My sense of justice was very keen and all I wanted to do was what was right. Legolas held me close to keep me from doing anything that the men might hurt me for, like letting them see how shit my tits are. Eventually they had all finished. The men through us unto a small cave that looked like a supply room.

Last night, I had had a dream that Gollum would let a fart in Morse code that would tell all the men about what we were really doing. Now I had a nasty feeling that this dream was about to become reality.

Faramir stormed into the room. "So this is the Halfling that we have hunted for for so long! No gondor will have the ring of power ad. I'll use it myself and corner the market in ring of powers and get really rich and buy every penis enlargement pill on the internet and my cock will become the biggest badest super power in all of middle earth, and my father will finally see that I am worth something in this life."

They bond us and marched us at a very fast pace. They do have some very strange words for things round here. The hobbits had some trouble keeping p but legolas and me didn't have a problem not that he ever does. They led us to an old ruined city. It was crumbling and falling a part. Rock lay shattered everywhere, like shattered dreams. An eerie darkness was hanging over us, making everything feel hot and cold at the same time. I thought we had left Gollum behind but obviously we hadn't. Some flowers were sprouting from the weeds that were between the cracks, like hope sprouting through despair. Soon they shrivelled up and some of them caught fire.

They threw us down onto a patch of fairly un-rocky ground. Faramir told us to stay put and not to move. After he had turned his back on us, we found a rock to cut our bonds with. There was a message carved on it which said "Har har har I sanded all the sharp edges off. Love and kisses, Faramir xxx". A scream of Nazgool caught our attention. We saw a man bent over clutching his throat and Gollum was standing next to him sniggering. We looked for some more rocks but they were all either too big or too small or had messages from Faramir on them so we realised the only way we would get our bonds off was to let Gollum fart on them and burn them off.

We played Eeny meeny miney mo to see who would be the one to get farted on. Sam looked at Gollum's feet and said the version with the rude word for black people so Gollum cheated and made Sam win. He held his wrists next to Gollum's bum and Gollum farted and Sam chucked up and fell over in it unconscious. When he woke up the rope had rotted away so he untied the rest of us.

Frodo began to walk like he was in a daze. He climbed up a flight of stairs onto a catwalk that hung over a street. He raised his hand, in horror I realized that he was offering the ring to the demon. He was going to put it on!! How horrible. I could see that he had never read any of the stories about rings that A&E doctors post on the internet.

I tore myself from legolas' arms and hurdled up the stairs. While I was doing so, I reached out with my mind to the beast that the rider had blown his wad riding.

"Don't, what are you doing?" I mentally screamed. I am good at being mental. "You don't have to be evil! Look at my tits! Nothing you can do will be as bad as them!"

The beast pulled up short as well he might. I threw Frodo to the floor. He got up and punched me in the stomach and called me a fucking cunt and said what the fuck did I do that for. The fell beast fell over when he saw how Frodo replied to me.

"Lady Vearanniel, I didn't know who you were. I am so sorry, if I had seen your tits earlier I would have recognised you instantly. They are so shit that I could not have failed to have known that it was you, I would never have hurt you. Just a moment and I will make everything safe for you."

There was a moment of quiet and then the nazgool let out a cry. He wheeled his beast around in a barrow most of the time so he wasn't used to riding and he kept accidentally sitting on his own nuts. and then brought him down to land in a nearby field.

With some misgivings I went to where they stood. The nazgool Dismounted and then strode over to where I stood with Legolas. He laid down his sword and slowly raised his hand to his hood. He lowered it and I let out a small gasp. The amount of cheese he had under it was unbelievable and the smell was awful. Where his head should have been was a swimmy discoloured thing with maggots in it. He had a beard and wore a crown on his head. I had seen websites like that but I always thought they were fake.

"Oh child, how long have we waited for your return. Some of us our cocks have dropped off altogether. Have you finally come to set us free?"

"What are you talking about? How do you know me too?" I said softly.

"Oh course we know of you! You are our lords daughter. Only you can free us from the curse of knob rot."

"What," Legolas and me said together.

"Yes many years ago, when he still had a physical form, Sauron deeply loved an elf called Galahara. They were passionate about each other. When you were born, she died of shock at the state of your tits. Sauron went into such a deep mourning that he turned to evil, by the coaxing of the then dark lord, Morgoth. He cursed us with magical knob rot which only his daughter could cure. We were all forced to join him because of his treachery. The ffailed wizard Gandalff came and took you and hid you on another planet until the time seemed right for you to overthrow your Father and bring justice to our world. On your planet Galahara was an orc who lived in a country called North Carolina and hid under the name Jennifer Morrell. Gandalff left you on her doorstep and sent her a text message instructing her that she was to be an aunt to you."

I was shocked. So I passed out into Legolas' arms. It was the best cop-out I knew, it always worked.

AN- I am not completely sure about the whole Morgoth Sauron thing, but I read some fanfiction that explained that Morgoth was a bad guy to, so I used his name for this. I guess I should have read the Silmarillion but it had too many long words and it was really boring lol.

When I awoke from my swoon, I saw we were lorst in a dredful forest. AS soon as he saw I was awake, Legolas came over my tits. Gollum showed up with some food and made me eat.

"Where did the rider go?" I asked?

"To go tell his brethren that their enslavement will soon be over," Legolas said. "He carried us this far after Faramir gave us some food and water for our journey."

"So how close are we to mount doom anyway? Are we nearing it at all?"

"We will be there soon, or so Smeagol assures me. I do not trust that sneaky devil."

"Who's Smeagol when he's at home?" I asked.

"Me." Said Gollum. "Gollum is just my name in Latin. Short for Smeagollum. Gollum, gollum, gollum, golli, gollo, gollo, golla, golla, golla, gollorum, gollis, gollis. Shall we dance?" I was so confused that I said yes.

After a few minuets we began to walk again. After a time we came to a place that looked shockingly like the emerald city from the wizard of oz. I wanted to look for the man behind the curtain but Legolas told me that if he found any dried up green spunk in my bush he would dump me so I decided not to. Smeagol showed us the "stairs" and I felt somewhat sick. They were the farthest thing from safe as I had seen in years. We began our long climb. Suddenly a nazgool swooped down beside us.

"Quickly, I will give you a ride to the top. I can not actually take you in because of your father. If he sees us, it is all over for us. I meant to drop you at the top before but I forgot what I was doing so I dumped you in the forest instead, sorry about that, forget my own head if it wasn't glued on."

We were at the top quickly. The nazgool dropped us on the ground and I fell over on my back. A big, gapping cavern lay in front of us. A mat of tangled vegetation hung down around it, all brown and dead. I closed my legs and stood up but now the big mirror was magnifying my tits and it looked even worse. I sighed and lay down again. Taking a deep breath we prepared to enter and be entered.

"No wait," Gollum cried. "She will eat you. I can not let that happen to the lady Vearanniel."

"What? Who is she?" I asked. "I've never had a girl eat me. You never know, I might like it."

"The spider," he said, "We must be careful or else die we will." His cute sticky-out green ears wiggled as he said it. It looked funny but also strangely exciting.

We all drew our weapons and began to proceed carefully into the cave. The music played and the camera slowly zoomed to follow the slow, rhythmic movement of our legs as we walked away from it. We were as quiet as possible. It didn't work. The spider caught us anyway. The music must have woken her up or maybe it was the sirens. We fought it and made it outside, but she followed. She was getting ready to stab at Frodo when I saw it. I couldn't let the ring bearer die. I flung myself in between the two of them and missed. I felt a sharp stinging pain in my shoulder. I began to fall. Everything became a blur and then, my world was black and empty.

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

"Looks like she thinks her world being black and empty is the best thing that's ever happened to her. How do we get rid of all these fucking smileys?"

For some reason the production of smileys had not ceased at the end of the paragraph. Instead a steady supply of them seemed to be materialising inside Vearanniel's black, empty head. Every few seconds a fresh smiley popped out of one or other of her ears and flew up to join the others, which were clustering round the light bulb like moths. Why there should have been a light bulb outside Shelob's lair is anyone's guess.

"Here, show her these." The pigeon pecked a few keys and a laser printer whirred into life, ejecting a sheet of A4 bearing four large characters: ° ¬ ° ¬ "Bet you always wondered what ¬ was for, didn't you?"

Two pigeons held the sheet of paper sideways in front of Vearanniel's face while a third began pulling hairs out of her scalp one by one, trying to make her open her eyes. It worked. The image of the punctuation marks was focussed into the void inside her skull and replaced the colons of two of the nascent smileys; the stream of insectoid materialised typography ceased, blocked by the two large cast-iron fisherman's anchors which were now jammed half in and half out of Vearanniel's ears.

"Welcome to your new career in TV", said one of the pigeons.


"Well, look at her qualifications... No, not those... ideal for the job, wouldn't you say?"

"You're tapped. What job?"

"Anchor girl for the news", said the pigeon, and flew off quickly.

I awoke in a dark dark room. Two huge anchors were sticking out of my ears. I had a headache and I could hardly lift my head. The puncture from my wound had been tended and an orc stood over me. I recoiled in disgust.

"Now now, you have no reason to fear me like that. We would not hurt such a meek creature of our beauty even if she does have shit tits. Here have some food." They tried to give me something that vaguely resembled food, but had something living in it. I refused passionately. I'd had quite enough of that sort of food in the school dining hall.

"Come now, we don't want you to die."

"So why are you trying to feed me school dinners? Don't you know what that stuff does to people?"

"I am sorry, Lady Mammae Sterciae", said the orc. "We brought it specially from your world. We thought you would be happy to eat familiar food again. Now I understand why the children cheered when we took it away from them. What would my lady like to eat?"

I had no idea what sort of food they would have in a place like this. I tried to think what Gollum liked to eat because they would probably have that. All I could remember him eating was rabbits. I didn't think there would be any rabbits here. Then I remembered what his farts were like and decided to play safe.

"Lembas", I said. "We were eating it on the journey all the way until suddenly nobody wanted it any more. I should have quite a lot of it by now, take my knickers off and have a look."

I lifted my skirt and bent over while the orc worked his fingers round inside the waistband of my knickers. Eventually he managed to pry them loose and they slid down my legs and hit the floor with a crash, scattering flakes of lembas around the room.

"Holy fucking shit", I heard the orc mutter. "I've never seen anything like this." There was a zipping sound. "You don't mind, do you, my lady?"

"Be my guest", I mumbled. "Come on in." He reached around and grabbed my tits, then quickly let go of them and grabbed me round the waist instead. He slid his cock into my gapping cavern and after a few thrusts he began to come. Five minutes later he was still doing it. I could feel it oozing out of my hole with every thrust and running down my legs. My feet were squelching in my boots and there was a huge puddle on the floor.

"I am sorry, my lady", he said when another five minutes had gone by. "I should have warned you. It's a matter of orcish evolutionary biology. We mate en masse and it enhances the reproductive success of the individual male orc if he can flush out the previous orc's competition, as it were. So there is a strong selection pressure in favour of the production of a large volume of sperm. A very large volume of sperm, in fact. We ejaculate continuously throughout the entire duration of intercourse and once we have started we have no choice but to finish, for which reason many orcs are given the name Magnus."

"Just as long as it doesn't start coming out of my nose", I said. My head was swimming and it was difficult to think straight. I was feeling dizzy and the headache was getting worse. I wondered how I was going to get rid of these anchors.

"There is no need to worry, my lady", said the orc. "I have studied human anatomy. Your reproductive tract lacks a connection to your respiratory system. There is no risk of a nasal effusion."

He was right but it didn't make any difference because when he did eventually finish (which took another half an hour actually) I found that I could not stand up and when he let go of me I fell on my face in the puddle. To my surprise it tasted delicious.

"Have you got a mop and bucket", I slurred dizzily.

"A what, my lady?" said the orc. He looked a lot thinner now and he was kind of pale and shaky. "I am not familiar with such implements, if implements they are, though I believe my contextual interpretation is correct."

"Something to pick all this up with", I said, swishing my arms through the puddle. "It's yummy. If I can take this away with me it will provide the whole fellowship with food for the remainder of our journey. I can tell them it's rice pudding or something, it's the same sort of lumpy and they'll never tell the difference."

"Sadly, my lady, I cannot oblige", said the orc. He looked really sad and I thought he was going to cry but he was not a wimp like Boromir. "We do not have any kind of containers here that are suitable for the transport of liquids. There was a problem, you see, with people using them to brew alcoholic liquors and then reporting for duty in a state of inebriation. So it was ordered that all such containers would have holes knocked in them or otherwise be rendered useless. We did attempt to place some wine skins in safe concealment but unfortunately the rats got them. But the front of your clothing is thoroughly saturated and if you were to roll over and soak the back as well I believe you would be able to carry away a good fifteen litres absorbed in the material. Probably a couple more litres will be accounted for by your hair. And of course the copulatory plug will retain ten litres or so inside of you for up to three weeks."

"Ten litres?" I exclaimed. "I did not think I was quite that roomy. Not even after Legolas and Bill at the same time."

"You have stretched, my dear", said the orc. "Orcish semen contains a muscle relaxant which allows the female's vagina to expand to a greater capacity. I am afraid that Legolas will find himself unable to touch the sides for quite a few months. Let us hope that it does not cause his testicles to explode."

"So that is why I couldn't clench around you", I said. "And why I feel so weak now I guess."

"Precisely, my lady. It is quite normal. Do not be alarmed. Would you like me to help you to roll over? After a few hours' sleep you will surely feel much more vigorous."

"I'm not alarmed", I murmured drowsily. It was true. I felt all warm and tingly and I just wanted to go to sleep. I allowed the orc to help support the anchors in my head while I turned over. My hand crept between my legs and I felt the rubbery mass of coagulated sperm which the orc said was keeping ten litres of rice puddingy goodness safely sealed away. My stomach was swollen as if I was actually pregnant but I knew that couldn't happen from an orc. I could feel the weight of it inside me, pressing on my bowels. I needed a shit but I didn't care. With a sigh I fell asleep.

I raised my hand with out really knowing what I was doing and yelled something. I brilliant flaming lighting came out of my hand and engulfed the orc. He died in an instant. Useful trick. I would have to remember it. Then I looked at the charred stump where my hand had been and realised that maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all.

I quickly grabbed my katana and began looking around. I found a flight of stairs and began to walk cautiously down, sloshing gently. There was a bunch more orcs at the bottom. I vaguely remembered what I had done before and began to sing Britney Spears I did it again. All the orcs were now crispy pieces of meat.

Around the corner I heard screaming. It sounded like Legolas being kicked in the balls. I ran towards it and rounded the bend fully ready this time. My companions were there but they obviously were not the kind of people who needed help. I jumped in anyway and began hacking a way at orcs. The work was quickly done.

My headache was really bad now and I felt like I was going to either sneeze or be sick. I wasn't sure which. In the end I sneezed really hard. Four little balls flew out of my nose and shot Frodo and Sam. My head exploded and a huge cloud of smiley faces burst out of my ears. My anchors fell to the floor with a clang and Legolas screamed and started hopping around on one leg. Gollum ate all the smiley faces, did a little belly dance, farted, lit it, and took off like a Saturn V with an evil grin on his face. I ran and ran and ran to get away before the smoke reached me but I did not look where I was going because with an exploded head I could not see. I fell over a cliff. I screamed at the pigeons to grab me and stop me falling but they said I'd need an eagle for that and they couldn't be bothered to go and find one because I had shit tits.

I awoke in a cold sweat. Luckily it had all been a dream and nobody was dead and even though my anchors had gone for real somehow Legolas did not have a broken foot. Instead he was bending over me stroking my hair with one hand and stroking himself with the other. It felt like I probably had shat myself but I was so relieved to find it had been a dream I didn't care. It probably wouldn't take long for it to crust over anyway.

"Of Vearanniel, forgive me for thinking you to be dead," Legolas said. "My heart was broken for a horrible moment. It was a relief when I worked out it was just the way your twat was smelling."

"Legolas, it would hurt me to die, just because I know the pain that it would bring you when your testicles exploded."

"Come we must hurry. Soon we will not be able to go to the cracks of doom.

"Why not?" I asked. "What's happening?"

"What's happening is that this story is a load of bollocks and I'm getting fed up with it. Do you have any idea how long it is since I had a beer? Or saw a woman who didn't have shit tits? Nor do I, it's been that bloody long I can't remember and before you say it Galadriel doesn't count because she won't get them out. If I don't get to do something soon that's a bit more interesting than sitting twiddling my thumbs while you shag orcs I'm gonna bug out. Maybe I'll go and check out that Matrix place where Elrond hangs out when he wants to get away from it all, it looks quite interesting and even if it isn't it can't be any more boring than this crap."

"Oh my darling Legolas, I am so sorry. I had no idea you felt like that. Please don't leave me to finish it on my own. There's less than 100 lines left now unless the pigeons put some more in."

"OK, I can probably stand that much. Come on. We must run!" we went as swiftly as our legs could carry us. I could feel the weight inside me sloshing about. It felt good and I started to respone.

We came upon a very large rock. When we whizzed around it we saw a very large person dressed in black. He was huge. Even Legolas was shocked. He was very angry because we had just whizzed on him. Before we could do anything, he raised his hand and said a very ugly word. I told him that nice boys didn't say things like that. He said he didn't care because he wasn't a nice boy and he punched us all in the head to prove it. We all landed in an unconscious heap on the ground.

When we awoke, we were in a dungeon type of setting. Sadly there was no orc in this one. I woke up first and began to hastily wake the others. When we were assembled, we began to discuss what to do next. Legolas said we should go back to sleep for fuck's sake it's still the middle of the night. Gollum said "I know what I'll do" and grinned so Sam quickly grabbed him and stuck a cork up his bum with some superglue just in time. Frodo looked at me with large, fearful eyes. He had had a job making phosgene for the Germans in the first war and he knew exactly what would have happened in this confined space if Sam hadn't been so fast.

"Lady Vearanniel, I am sure that they know I have the ring. I think that it would be best if you took it from here," the little hobbit said. "I know I promised not to give it away but I'm beginning to agree with Legolas, if this shit doesn't finish soon I'm off to get a job in a chocolate factory and quite frankly once I'm out of it this place can go fuck itself for all I'll give a shit."

He held it out to me. I knew that he was right, I had to keep them all happy and interested or they wouldn't want to play with me any more, so I took it from him. I slipped the chain around my neck and for some reason, I felt better for it.

Eventually the dark figures came back to us. One of them was bigger than the others. Legolas told him to put it away but he said it quietly so he couldn't hear him.

"At last," the tall one said, "you shall you shall have your ring and I shall rule the world through you. Everyone will not remember me and it shall be just as my plan was laid out."

"Fuck off", the one he had been talking to replied. "Rule the world through your own ring or find someone gay to do it."

"You are gay", the big one said. "Think I don't know about you slipping off to see Tom Bombadil every time I turn my back?"

"Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I take it up the arse", said the second, blithely ignoring the contradiction between this and his previous utterance. "I go on top. Bumbadildo goes underneath. What sort of a dark lord would I be if I let some half-witted yokel poke it up my bum?"

"A half-arsed one", said the big one. "Which you are anyway. Har, har, har. Stop fucking about, and get these buggers tied up already."

The smaller one, Sauron, looked at all of us. When he saw me, he froze. He obeyed his master though. He took us all out and bound us with ropes. They took us to a large room where we could actually see the cracks of doom. The ceiling was so high up that if you stared hard enough you could see the tits of doom too. I peered down my dress and compared them with my own tits. It was true, they were modelled on me.

I leaned towards Legolas and gently pinched his helmet. "Who's Tom Bombadil?" I whispered in his ear.

"He's this world's equivalent of Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings", he whispered back. "As you would know if you read the fucking books, you lazy bitch."

I giggled and tickled him under the shaft. "And who's Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings?" I asked.

"She's from your world, you daft cow", he replied. "Don't you know fucking anything?"

"You," the boss said to Frodo, "you bear the ring of power do you not?"

"Sir, I swear to you I do not," He squeaked.

Legolas was fidgeting from side to side. I leaned over and blew gently on his penis. He groaned.

Angrily Frodo was smacked by the dark lord and he fell to the floor with a clatter.

There was a drop of pearly liquid on Legolas's tip. I picked it up on the end of my finger and looked at him as I licked it off.

"My child, put the... Fucksake leave the fucking elf's cock alone for five minutes will you?... Put the ring on. Of all the people, you should be able to wield it. You are my child, that's why you have such shit tits. I see it in your face. Wipe it off. So you should have some ability with it. Use it to strike down the dark one. Please end his tyranny."

I wasn't sure whether he meant the ring or Legolas or both. Nervously I took the ring into my hands. I slipped it on Legolas's cock and I was about to sit on him when I remembered I still had ten litres of orc spunk sealed into my twat and I didn't want to waste it. I took him in my mouth instead and it was like all of the power I had had before, only quadrupled. In other words, still precisely fuck all. 0 x 4 = 0. We did that in math class the very same day Gandalff came for me, isn't that lucky?

The guy whirled upon me when he saw that Legolas and I had it on. Dirty git.

"So little beauty, you have your fathers ring. Be a good girl and give it to him. Come on now, be a good girl."

"Never, I'm going to thcweam and thcweam and thcweam till I'm thick. I can!" And I screamed just to show him I meant it.

Angrily he began shooting fire at me. What is it with people having weird spunk round here? This guy's caught fire, Legolas's if you looked at it with a magnifying glass you could see tiny little elf babies in it, Gollum's was a vivid lemon yellow and smelt of death, Frodo produced solid lumps which slowly dissolved, the mosquitoes did it like they had a machine gun for a cock, and the orc... Mmmm, the orc... I screamed as the flames began to eat at my flesh. The burning and searing was making me go insane. Not that anybody noticed. It hurt like no one on this earth would possibly believe, unless they were one of these Japanese people who kill themselves in volcanoes or something. Or the other Japanese people who got nuked in Hiroshima, that probably stung a bit. Unexpectedly, Sauron threw himself at the boss.

"No, you can't hurt my only child!" wrestling, the two of them fell into the flames of mount doom. Faintly from out of the depths I heard the boss scream, followed by Sauron's triumphant shout, "What sort of a dark lord are you now, to let me poke it up your bum? Har, har, har!"

I stood up, my body aching from the burns that covered me, but I was still alive. That was something. My companions were staring at me with wide eyes. Not at my face. I looked down at my chest. My shit tits had been burnt off altogether and now I had no tits. That, too, was something, possibly; I'd have to wait and see what it looked like when the burns healed. I took off the ring from Legolas's cock and walked over to the edge of the chasm. If I threw it in, I would never be able to know my father. My earth ones were dead, but maybe I had a chance with this one. There was some good still in him, he had displayed that just recently. On the other hand I knew he was down there with his cock jammed up the other guy's arse and as far as I could tell they looked like they were not coming back up again any time soon. If I destroyed the ring, the rest of the orcs would also die and and than middle earth would be safe. With a tearful sigh, I did the right thing. I quickly ran to tell the orc to hide somewhere safe. It would be terrible if I never saw him again because I destroyed the ring of power. Then I came back and carried on wondering what to do.

Without warning, a pigeon plunged silently from his high perch on the dimly-visible carving of the Tits of Doom. He swooped down upon Vearanniel, grabbed the chain of the Ring in his beak, ripped it out of her hand and ascended out of reach. More pigeons followed, and soon the air seemed to be full of birds, swooping and circling in mad gyrations as they played an aerial game of Catch with the Ring.

"No! Noo!!! Give it baack!!!" wailed Vearanniel. "You'll ruin everything!!"

One of them perched on a convenient rock and addressed her. "Like you don't?"

"No, I don't!" she whined. "You do! Everything in my whole story you horrible birds have ruined it!"

"Oh, I dunno", said the pigeon. "It's a fuck sight more entertaining now than it was the way you wrote it."

"But it's all gone wrong! Nothing's happened right! And now you've taken the ring and nothing's ever going to be right!"

"Because you don't get to be the big fucking hero? Well here's some news for you, shit tits. We don't give a living fuck about your fucking ego. You're just a pain in the fucking arse, and we are here to fuck your shit up."

"You nasty horrible birds!!!" she screeched. Behind her, the circling flock let go of the Ring; unnoticed by all the non-avians, it fell into the Crack of Doom, while the flock continued in their distracting gyrations as if nothing had happened. "What about..." She got stuck looking for the next word and waved her arms inarticulately.

"What about what?" said the pigeon. "What about Me, Me, Me? I just fucking told you, you dumb fuck, we don't give a shit. You have failed, asshole. Anyway, this place is gonna blow, so we're off. You can stay and get cooked if you want, it's all the same to us." He took off and rejoined the flock, and in a storm of wings the pigeons vanished out of the exit. Gouts of flame were shooting out of the Crack of Doom and the place shook with the rumbling of an imminent eruption.

While the pigeon was winding up his spiel, another of the birds, having made sure Vearanniel wasn't looking, perched briefly on Frodo's shoulder and whispered in his ear. "Don't worry", she said. "It's gone. We dropped it in the crack as soon as we were sure nobody would see us do it. Your quest is over, and successfully. Just don't, whatever you do, let that stupid cow know what we did. Now you'd best get moving before this place destroys itself."

A pigeon flew down and stole the ring off me and flew away with it. I tried to make them give it back but they just said horrible rude things to me. Then everything started rumbling and starting to blow up so they all flew outside.

Warm down here, isn't it? Which one of you is Morgoth? It's hard to tell in that tangle. You, is it? Knock. Knock. Knock. Time to go. You're not even supposed to be here in the first place.

"Shan't", said Morgoth, sticking his lower lip out.

Come along now. No sulking.

"Oh all right. Seeing as I like you so much."

I must say you were never shy about putting business my way.

"It's so bleeding boring in the Everlasting Void, though. Can't I just be normally dead? Please. I'll be good, I won't try to come back. Promise."

Cross your heart and hope to die?

"Ye... oh, ha ha."

It's not up to me. I'll have a word with Mandos. I can't guarantee anything, mind. It depends what sort of mood he is in. Which in turn depends on whether Vairë has been putting out lately. She's had a spot of fanny trouble. I don't know if you'd heard.

"Cheers, old bean, you always were a good old stick."

One thing puzzles me, though... How you got out of the Everlasting Void. Would you care to explain? Just a matter of professional curiosity, you understand.

"Oh, that was easy", said Morgoth. "There was a tunnel under the fence. Dwarves, you know. They dig everywhere. Never know where they'll turn up next."

Really? I was hoping for something more exciting. Ah well. We had better be on our way. Come on, Sauron, you too.

"I'm not coming", said Sauron. "I'm going to stay here and be a ghost. Ooooooo. Ooooooo. Ooooooo."

That's not a ghost. That's a pigeon.

"Oh bum. All right, wooooo wooooo wooooo then."

I'm sorry. It won't work. You do not have sufficient morphogenetic stability to support even a spectral existence.

"Big fancy words, bone man. I'm being a ghost, don't try and stop me."

I do not intend to try and stop you. You have no choice. You have doomed yourself by embodying too much of your morphogenetic field in a perishable artefact, which has, inevitably, perished. It is your own fault.

"Bollocks! I specifically designed it to be imperishable. It's just sunk, that's all. Once I drain all this lava off..."

You will have an empty Crack of Doom, and a flood basalt field with a fractionally enriched gold content. Look.

Death knelt on the lava, scooped his fingers through the molten rock, then stood and held up his hand. On his finger was the Ring, or the ghost of the Ring. The shining gold was hazy and insubstantial, and the bone of Death's finger showed through what should have been solid metal. A shimmering drapery of glowing lines connected the shape of the ex-Ring to each individual gold atom dispersed in the melt. Death grinned, and swung his scythe. The glowing lines snapped, the Ring-shape vanished, and the shade of Sauron dwindled to a black speck. Death plucked the speck out of the air and stowed it inside his robe.

Try not to fret too much, said Death. Proton decay would have destroyed it in any case.

"But that would have taken millions of millions of millions of millions of millions of millions of years!" wailed a tiny voice from inside Death's robe.

Millions of millions of millions of millions of millions of millions of years in my sight are like an evening gone, said Death. Short as the half-life of helium-2 which allows there to be a rising sun. You will observe that protons are involved in both cases, which adds an extra frisson to the humorous juxtaposition of the phenomena.

There was no response.

That was a joke.

There continued to be no response.

Some people have no understanding of the concept of humour, observed Death, and vanished.

Immediately, everything began to fall apart. We ran outside, but lava began to surround us. We were trapped. I clung to Legolas, knowing that our end was very near. The harder I clung the nearer his end got. We all passed out from exhaustion.


Wait, did I put the pigeons in here? I don't remember doing that. It does look like my writing though.

When we awoke, we were in a large, sunny room. Gandalff was standing there alive and well. The writing on his new hat was really sparkly and pretty. It was a miracle. Everyone was happy again.

Suddenly the scene froze. All the birds looked round at the monitor pigeon, wondering what was up. He pecked busily at the keyboard.

"It gets a bit cunt here, dudes. Have a look at the words for this next bit..."

The pigeons crowded round and looked at the words on the screen. This is what they read:

Legolas took care of my burns. And later that year we were married. It was a beautiful wedding. Many people were there and we all celebrated for a long time. We had several children. Five children if you want me to say an exact number. Three of them were boys, who took after their father in many ways. The other two were girls. I taught them everything that I possibly could. They were the pride of our family.

"Yeah, why is that a problem?" asked one of them.

"It's the time compression... one wee passage to cover enough time for five children to grow up. It makes it too diffuse to disrupt it all that well. At least not if we don't want to spend several fucking years doing enough extra bits. Looks like our best option is to put together something with enough density to take over from it altogether, and use that to let us put a definitive end to it. Something that doesn't take decades and doesn't leave us having to deal with five fucking kids running around keeping it going."

"Aye, that makes sense. I reckon we could probably make them all into stillborn zombies, but it'd still be horrendously fucking slow. Let's waste it."

"Would sure make it a fucking sight quicker to get this over with. And that'd be a lot easier on poor old Aragorn, too."

"Well, you would go and tell him..."

"I had to, you divot, clear his head so he could make sense of what was happening when the real Gandalf came back with the real Gandalf's real memories. Else he'd have thought the guy was talking shit and it would all have got fucked up even more."

"Thing we have to be sure of is, whatever we do, will it resolve Legolas? Since we're not even sure what he is we have to make sure we cover all the options..."

"Yeah, let me just check if the system has managed to gather anything more coherent about him by now..." and the monitor pigeon proceeded to do as he had said.

"Any good?"

"Er... Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! ...Bollocks. Looks like we're on our own, guys."

"Oh, I dunno... it gives me an idea. Mind if I have the floor?"

"Be my guest. Fucked if I've got any fucking clue."

"Can you switch Legolas back on but leave the rest frozen? Or won't it do that?"

"Probably, if I fuck with their relative perceptions of time..." The monitor pigeon pecked experimentally at the keys for a few minutes until the scene gave what looked like a simultaneous, impossible lurch in all directions at once. "Give that a crack, I think that's done it."

"Cheers... OI! LEGOLAS! YOU WITH THE NUNSTUCK! Get your arse over here, sunshine."

One of the unidentified figures in the room looked round; as its face became visible it resolved into Legolas. "What, me?"

"YES, YOU! MOVE!!" bellowed the pigeon. "AT THE DOUBLE! 'EFT, 'IGHT, 'EFT, 'IGHT!"

Legolas got up and shuffled over to the pigeons clustered round the screen. As he read the words, he gave a stifled snort, which grew uncontrollably into an overwhelming fit of giggles which grew worse and worse until, blue in the face, he passed out on the floor.

"Bingo! Now we just have to hook him up to the Flipperwald before he actually chokes. Go on, you do it, I never could work that fucking thing."

"The Flipperwald?"

"Sorry. Mirkwood."

"Ah, gotcha." There was a pecking of keys, and the pigeons turned to watch and see what would be its effect on Legolas.

Without any noticeable transformation, yet unmistakably, his appearance changed. No longer did he look like Orlando fucking Bloom. A haze formed around his unconscious body, somehow suggestive of lush green foliage blowing in the breeze, and he seemed to be getting further and further away. The haze faded, and Legolas faded with it. Just as he vanished there was a faint music which might have been elf-song.

"Well, fuck me ragged."

"I'd rather not, thanks."

"Now we just need to cook up a replacement..." and for the next ten minutes the keyboard disappeared under a squabbling mass of pigeons. Then they stepped away, and the monitor pigeon set the machine going again. With a graunching jerk, the scene began to play.

When we awoke, we were in a large, sunny room. Gandalff was standing there alive and well. The writing on his new hat was really sparkly and pretty. It was a miracle. Everyone was happy again. Legolas had disappeared, but in his chair there sat a figure that the others didn't seem to recognise.

"Lady Mammae Sterciae! Cara mea!" exclaimed the figure as he saw me. "Vivas!"

It was the orc! With a squeal of delight I jumped over the table and sat on his lap, my arms wrapped tightly around him, my legs on either side, my crotch pressed against the bulge rapidly developing in his trousers. "Orc! Orc! You survived! You survived!" I shrieked, and began kissing him madly.

"Vivo, vivas, omnes bonae sunt", he smiled. "Sed... mammas cremavis? Noceris?"

With gentle fingers he unbuttoned my top and surveyed the charred remnants and festering sores where my tits had been burnt off. Tenderly he kissed the ravaged, suppurating flesh. It was the first time anyone had ever looked at my tits without saying how shit they were, let alone kissed them. It was the first time anyone had had his face that close to my chest without throwing up. I felt so honoured. I began to cry happily and stroked the back of his head.

"Placebo", he murmured. He took a bowl off the table and knelt between my legs. While I was asleep someone had cut my knickers off and washed all the lembas off my cunt. They had even shaved my bush. I was impressed. It must be true what they say about Elvish blades. The orc looked a bit disappointed but he did not pull away. Fortunately whoever had cleaned me up had not tried to clean inside me. He opened the corkscrew on his penknife and carefully worked the plug of coagulated semen out of my cunt. I groaned as it came loose and the trapped orc spunk gushed out of me and filled the bowl he was holding. Then, using the plug as a sponge, he began to dab the warm spunk gently over my ruined chest. I sighed in relief as the pain faded. It was so relaxing that I fell asleep again.

When I woke up again the orc had gone and so had everyone else. He had cleaned up all the spunk that had spilled out of the bowl but I could still smell it. He had buttoned my top back up and put my legs together so people walking past would not see my twat. I had never met such a gentleman before. I did not know that orcs were so considerate or spoke Latin. I felt kind of weird but I could not work out why. There seemed to be a weight on my chest. I looked down at it and saw some lumps in my top. That was strange. Had someone been stuffing pillows up my top?

I opened my top to see what it was. It was not pillows. It was tits! Not shit tits. Big firm round bouncy jubbly gorgeous tits! With firm brown nipples! Three of them down each side! This was lovely. I began to stroke them and play with my nipples just to see what it felt like. It felt good. It felt much better than it did when I had shit tits.

Suddenly I looked up and saw that the orc had come back and was smiling at me. "Mammas amas?" he said.

"Oh, orcie!" I squealed. "Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!"

"Think nothing of it, my dear Lady Sex Mammae", he replied. I giggled. "Subsequent to our previous encounter I was most gratified to observe that the infestation of pubic lice with which I had hitherto unfortunately been afflicted had entirely ceased to be. I deduced that there must have been a certain toxic component in your vaginal lubricant which had encompassed their demise. The restoration and enhancement of your mammary attributes was the least I could do by way of recompense. It was a pleasure."

I was so overcome I could not speak and when I did it came out in Latin. I put my heels up on the arms of the chair and pulled my skirt up out of the way. "Futua me", I said. He smiled wider. So did I, at both ends. He dropped his trousers. I could see that my life here was going to be good. And there would be lots of rice pudding.

After Aragorn died, we all sailed across the sea to whatever is over there. Or after someone beginning with A died anyway. Orcie told me about him. It might have been Avatar or Annatar or something like that. We could not go while he was alive because orcie said he said he would not do it and he would not let us go without him because he is a dog in the manger and a git. Anyway orcie said he was dead now so we got a boat and started sailing. I had sex with orcie every day. It made a lot of mess of course and the decks got all sticky but that was useful because it made it easier not to fall over when the sea was rough.

Sensing, with disconcerting vagueness, a presence, the Elder One looked round.

Don't mind me, Ma'am. Just doing my job.

And you are...? Trying to focus on the figure was making her eyes itch.

It may help you to think of me as... the janitor.

An oddly phrased thought, but clear. And correct, too. It did help. The janitor, of course, and that was a broom it was carrying. She turned back.

After we had been sailing for a bit the boat lifted off the water and the sea fell away beneath us. Then it sailed all the way out into space and we floated about until we found this other planet and landed on it. When we got out there was a naked woman with messy hair waiting to meet us. Her hair reminded me of the woman from the thing at the river with the bubble bath right at the start.

Who are you and what are you doing here, she said her voice sounding in my head like Clarygo.

"Lady we are just travellers. We were sailing and this is where we ended up. Why is your hair such a mess?"

I do not know what you mean by "mess" in that context. She said. What is this creature and why is it looking at me like that.

"This is my orcie. He is looking at you because you haven't got any clothes on. Look at his trousers. He is pleased to see you."

This creature is a male. It must die, said the woman and orcie fell down dead on the spot. I began to cry.

Stop making that dreadful noise or I will have to make you stop, said the woman. I cried even louder and she hit me and my face like froze up and I could not make any sound at all. You must come and see the queen so it can decide what is to be done with you.

She took me to this big building which was where the queen was although it did not look like a palace. Inside there were a lot more naked women all with messy hair. The queen was sitting on a throne at one end and everyone could see her cunt. She had messy hair too.

The woman led me up to the queen and told her about me. This creature landed here in a ship from the sky. It had another creature with it which was a male. I killed the male and I have brought this creature for you to inspect it. It could speak with its mouth when it arrived but it made such a noise I have prevented it from using its voice. It does not seem to have a mind at all.

It does not need to speak. Said the queen. I know what it is. It is one of those things from the planet Tellus that looks like a person but is not. It must die.

Suddenly this huge scary monster thing with huge teeth and claws jumped at me. It started clawing and biting me and then it bit my arms off and all my new tits and started pulling my guts out. It was not long before I had bled to death. The end.

Glad to be of service. Share and Enjoy. That planet gives me the creeps.

"Cyril Connolly?"


"And we were all truly thankful", said the pigeon who had been fucking about with numbers at the beginning (if you remember that bit).

"But we never got to see the radiation burn on her head eat the top of her skull away so her brains fell out", complained another.

"Did you really want to?" said the first. "Anyway, there wouldn't have been anything to see. Just a big hole."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right", said the other. "Ah well. What say we pop over to Russia and see how many crates of submarine fuel rods they've left unguarded today?"

And so it came to pass that there was not a pigeon remaining in the room when someone stepped up to the glowing stone, ripped it from its pedestal, held it until the coloured glows had drained away, hurled the grey remnant violently towards the other end of the room and shut the machine off. Then the room was empty once more, but a piece of paper hung from the pedestal in place of the stone, bearing only the brief message:

Catch ya
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