À Propos de Rien

Random thoughts that aren't worth a page to themselves

Any web page on which Americans post political comments is fine evidence for why the rest of the world should deny America any influence outside their own borders.

I REJECT YOUR AUTHORITY AND SUBSTITUTE MY OWN.

If ordinary people want to do just ONE good thing to leave the planet in a better state than they found it, they can. The best thing any ordinary person can do in their life towards that end is also a very simple and very easy thing: DON'T HAVE KIDS.

The expression "cashing in one's chips" is a total failure as far as I'm concerned because "chips" are square-section sticks cut from a potato and deep-fried, and you don't "cash them in", you eat them. Of course I have an intellectual awareness of the reference to casino procedures but not an intuitive one, because that particular form of mindless stupidity was illegal in Britain until recently and still is not widespread, whereas chip shops are all over the place. Furthermore the image of the casino as a place where leaving it is equivalent to death is all arse about face; the casino is more appropriate as an image of where condemned souls go after death.

"Steward" as an exalted rank, someone standing in for an absent king, always seems incongruous to me. It sounds more like it should refer to someone whose expertise is in making stew.

I have just received a spam from some bunch offering their services to fuck up photos in photoshop. FUCK OFF. The amount of effort I have spent over the years UNDOING that sort of shit and restoring the photos to their original unfucked condition is immense; why the PISSING FUCK would I EVER want to PAY someone to do stuff I have spent so much effort trying to UNDO? Bunch of cunts.

"People on benefits should be made to work for them" - What a load of TOTAL ARSE. "People on benefits" should be taken as evidence that the system of inventing useless work is coming to the end of the road as its capacity for such invention runs out, and the appropriate response is to take that to heart and hasten its demise, NOT fucking try and prop it up by inventing even uselesser work just for the fucking sake of it.

Putin is apparently some kind of were-dolphin. I had not realised this.

Suck our routs, hide mew in dome hair. Brits her Ungle Dung (gulk arm-hair).

NOTE TO "TOLKIEN" WEBSITES THAT HAVEN'T READ THE BOOKS: Cirith Ungol is NOT the same thing as the Morgul Pass. There were TWO routes through that particular cleft in the mountains. Cirith Ungol was the high-level route. At a lower level there was the Morgul Pass, or Nameless Pass, which was the main route between Minas Morgul and Barad-dur. At one point while Frodo is climbing to Cirith Ungol it mentions him looking over the edge and seeing the main road below, so there is NO EXCUSE for not knowing this.

Benito Amilcare Andrea Mussolini
Had a very weeny weenie
He was lucky that Clara Petacc
-i had a very tight snatch

"Voter apathy". Those who bemoan this seem to be utterly without a clue. Voters are "apathetic" because there is nothing to fucking vote for. We have an electoral system which ensures that most people's views remain unrepresented and which is used to make a choice between two parties which give increasingly little to choose between them. Whichever one gets in is of little importance because nothing ever really changes and neither one does anything that improves the lot either of those who voted for it or of those who didn't. It's no bleeding wonder people can't be arsed with voting when it is so plainly obvious that it doesn't make any difference. What is a wonder is that the people who decry "voter apathy" can manage to remain so bleeding blind to it. We live in a world where it is fashionable to decry religious beliefs on the grounds that they are "pointless" and "it doesn't make any difference", and then we replace them with beliefs which it is far more valid to describe in those terms but refuse to see it. This makes no sense.

It was most disappointing to discover that the reason Roy Harper used "Jugula" as the title for his album with the Rizla packet cover indeed was that he can't spell "jugular".

ROAD CLOSED signs are a load of fucking arse. My universal reaction to encountering a ROAD CLOSED sign is to ignore the fucking thing and carry on (having moved any obstructions in the vicinity of the sign itself if this is necessary to get past it). 90% of the time I have no difficulty in getting out the other end and everything is fine. The 10% of the time that there really is a genuine impassable obstruction which means I have to turn round and go back is more than compensated for by the 90% of the time that I do not have to go bleeding miles out of my way, so overall my approach is an unquestionable win.

A good example is the time I found that the B4451 from Deppers Bridge to Southam had a ROAD CLOSED sign on it. In accordance with my normal procedure I ignored the sign and carried on. As I expected there was in fact no fucking obstruction whatsoever. There was a stretch where they had been digging up the kerb and there were bollards down the side of the road but that was all. No fucking reason whatsoever for the fucking cunts to try and claim it was impassable and send me 5 miles out of my way for absolutely fucking nothing. Fucking load of shit. ROAD CLOSED my arse.

Almost every time I encounter a ROAD CLOSED sign the result is the same: I just get to drive down a road which has no actual obstructions on it at all but is lovely and clear and traffic-free because all the sheep and mongs are so mired in their own mindless stupidity that they do not think to question the sign and do not raise any objection to being sent bleeding miles out of their way. Fuck knows why. They must be at least 17 years old to be driving a car at all and that is more than enough time to have observed that 90% of all official obstructions are just like ROAD CLOSED signs in that they serve no purpose other than to arbitrarily fuck people around and life is much easier if you refuse to be fucked around and simply ignore the cuntery and shitheadedness.

If only to fuck people were not such pathetic subjugated mindless fools as to give in to this sort of shit instead of fighting it there would be a whole fucking lot less of it and we would all be better off. So take your ROAD CLOSED signs and all the other cunty garbage of like kind and stuff them up your fucking arse.

Squirrels are birds that have forgotten how to fly. Flying squirrels are ones who are trying to remember it again.

White whale? Well, why not, if twaling's what you're into?

I'm sure people these days think it is possible to do magic by stuffing things up your arse.

FIRST MOGUE OF THE LORGUN.

Anyone who thinks they "need" to host advertising to cover the hosting costs of their website either has a fucking HUGE website or a fucking SHIT hosting deal. If I can host 300 videos and 10,000 images out of my own pocket when I have barely enough money to cover recurring essential expenses like food, then any fucker can do it.

Gandalf was fond of the Shire, the place where they grew the tobacco he liked so much. An anagram of his name is Fagland.

A perilous place indeed...

What is that song, "I've smoked enough blow to get an elephant stoned and I'm right out of my tree" or something...

Aragorn must surely have had two swords, although somehow nobody noticed (maybe he had some kind of dual scabbard that would hold both at once or something so it wasn't so obvious) - Anduril, the Sword that was Broken, to be all symbolic and what have you, and another one that looked exactly like it but with the important difference that he could actually use it to hit things without it immediately coming apart at the place where it had been glued back together. It is understandable that Tolkien would lack knowledge of metallurgy, since the physical sciences were a long way from his field of interest, but the Elven smiths in Rivendell would certainly know all about it and I can't really see them being all that happy about sending Aragorn off to fight in highly critical battles with a sword with a fucking weld half way down the blade, so I reckon they made him a battleworthy duplicate on the QT for the real fighting and either he took them both with him without anyone noticing or he just took the duplicate and the real Anduril is still under his mattress in Rivendell or something.

HERPES, HERPES, WON'T GO AWAY
HERPES, HERPES, WON'T GO AWAY
HERPES, HERPES
I NEED TO SEE THE DOC 'CAUSE I'VE GOT HERPES
AND IT WON'T GO AWAAAY!!!

"A few minutes after a coffee enema I start trembling", says a Google snippet. I'm not bleeding surprised. If I pumped a load of coffee up my arse I'd probably tremble a bit too. What the fuck is it with people that they do such pointless and disgusting things, not because they get off on them (it wouldn't be pointless then), but because they are actually fucking stupid enough to believe it does them some sort of good? How do they manage to survive at all when they are that stupid? Maybe they don't. Maybe the next step they take is to shove all their food and drink up their arse, not just their coffee, and shit out of their mouths, like on South Park only without the protection of cartoon invulnerability. It would certainly explain why it seems to be young people who are so fond of doing this but no old people do it.

The hairs on my bum grow down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down.
The hairs on my bum grow down, down, down, all day long.

We three kings of Ory and Tar
Feeling like a budgerigar
Chewed and dirty, shaped and squirty
Horrid and vile we are

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated on the bank
The Angel of the Lord came down
And taught them how to use the washing machine.

Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin's flown away
The Batmobile's lost a wheel on the M5 motorway...

Miss Alanious is, of course, a friend of Miss Ellen E. But that does not help much.

The thing about the Trojans and the wooden horse tends to focus on the wrong animal; it is very rare that anyone mentions the giraffe. You see, if they had left the horse where it was, it would have grown into a thousand-foot-tall wooden giraffe, and the weight of such an enormous thing would then have caused its legs to sink into the ground until its belly hit the deck; what with being right outside the main gates of the city and all, this would (a) have been right in the way and (b) have enabled attackers to climb up its neck and then abseil down off the end of its beak snout to land inside the city walls. But if they brought it in then its roots wouldn't have been able to get through the concrete and it would not have grown like this. Essentially, it was put to them: "wood giraffe or bring it in?" and they said "yeah, let's do that then".

Imagine if dogs did shits that came out with little legs on and started running about the place.

baked beans are good for the heart the more you eat the more you fart the more you fart the better you feel so eat baked beans with every meal

Perhaps the biggest problem with sex is the need to overcome the revulsion at simply making physical contact with another human.

Who is Miss Alanious anyway? She's all over the bloody place.

The Nazgul are really rather disappointingly shit when you think about it. When we first see them they act like they're more or less blind, can't see Frodo and have to try and sniff him out and are no good at that either; and they leg it as soon as they hear someone else coming. Maggot meets one and he just tells it to fuck off and it does. The one that talks to Harry takes care to do so when there is nobody else about. The ones that raid the hobbit rooms in the Prancing Pony also take care to do so in burglarious fashion so they don't have to fight anyone who might catch them at it. They don't act like super-powered invulnerable undead monsters that have nothing to fear from puny mortals; they act more like bullies who are really wimps at heart and don't want anyone to find out. I know Tolkien says their power is supposed to be in inducing fear in others rather than anything else, but even that doesn't really stand up when they are so fond of hiding and running away and generally acting like they're more afraid of ordinary people than the ordinary people are of them.

And then we get to Weathertop; five against five, only not really, because Aragorn is the only one on the goodies' side who has any fighting ability and the hobbits just deacon about. Obvious attack method: take off the black cloaks because without them they are, you know, invisible, for fuck's sake; walk into the camp unseen; clobber Aragorn from behind with a rock; grab Frodo, ignoring the other hobbits because they are all tharn and very clearly aren't going to do anything effective; and fuck off again, job done. Actual attack method: make the approach really obvious and also really slow so everyone is fully aware of them well before they get close enough to do anything; fanny about trying to incapacitate Frodo with the Morgul-knife spell instead of just making use of being much bigger and stronger to grab him straight off; take no account of Aragorn until he actually attacks them; and then all five of them run away from one man while the hobbits lie on the ground doing nothing. And these fuckers are supposed to be Sauron's top notch elite special ops squad? They are fucking special all right, but that's as far as it goes...

A rather well-thought-out sound effect is the kids in the playground on The Wall. The carefree, merry shouts of children at play, screaming at each other to fuck off.

Mary, Mary, quite fat and hairy,
Fell down the loo last night.
Someone pulled the chain
And it started to rain
And it gave her a terrible fright.

Fuck's SAKE Google... HALETH is a character from the works of Tolkien. HEALTH is a state of wellbeing. They have almost totally fuck all to do with each other and it is FUCKING SHIT to include results for "health" in a search for "Haleth". STOP CHANGING MY FUCKING SEARCH TERMS.

WHAT IS THIS FUCKING SQUIRREL SHIT

News stories like this are so fucking annoyingly shit. All they have done is report obvious consequences of the event. There is not a fucking word about the non-obvious bit: How the pissing fuck did it bloody happen? What the fuck was the lorry driver at to do that? Was he pissed? Did he have a seizure? Where is the other wall that he must have driven through to get broken bricks all over the driveway before he hit the house? Why didn't that stop him? Fucking useless uninformative shit. All it basically says is that it freaked the people in the house out a bit and that is bleeding obvious without being told.

And stories on this sort of subject are always bleeding like that. "Two cars were in collision..." (no, they HAD A FUCKING CRASH, you stupid cunts) "...at such-and-such a junction and the drivers were taken to hospital..." (which is what you usually do with people injured in a car crash; more state-the-bleeding-obvious) "...end of story. (Photo of two cars which appear to have reversed into each other at 70mph and have ended up somewhere you couldn't get a car to even with a tower crane.)" No fucking clue as to how. Always the fucking same. If you're only going to write a report which not only doesn't bother to answer the most puzzling questions but doesn't even bleeding notice them and just ends up raising more questions than it answers then don't fucking bother writing the pointless crap in the first place. Fucking unhelpful uninformative cunts.

Sick of being woken up by developing a backache in bed. Mattress on the floor and all but it still happens. Cunt.

A highly prolific cause of widespread mass shiteness is this fucking arsebollocks of doing everything by spending money you don't have and then frantically trying to make it back again. Fucksake what is wrong with people? I learned that that was the wrong way to do stuff at my mother's knee before I was even old enough to be given pocket-money. It's fucking back to front. What you do is you get the money FIRST and THEN you spend it on stuff. That way you don't need to bother about "making it back" because you've already got the making it part over and done with before you do the actual thing. "Neither a borrower nor a lender be" - remember that? Or all the prohibitions in the Bible against usury? They are there for a fucking good reason and the reason is that "credit" leads to insanely vast amounts of shit. If you haven't got the fucking money to begin with then don't fucking spend it. Fucking credit fuckarse loan debt shit bollocks fucking screw the whole fucking system that allows the concepts to even exist.

I wish this fucking world was not so full of fucking shit things to get angry at. Being fucking pissed off at shit the whole time is really fucking tiring and the constant tiredness makes me even more pissed off etc etc etc...

FUCKSAKE WHY can't I find a copy of IEC 61866 fucking ANYWHERE to fucking download? All I can find is innumerable shite-arsed cunts trying to make me PAY for it. For a fucking DOWNLOAD. NOT a printed copy on actual paper, just some fucking DATA. Shitting CUNTS will you FUCK OFF with this shit. DATA DOES NOT COST ANYTHING. I WILL NOT FUCKING PAY FOR FUCKING DATA BECAUSE COPYING DATA DOESN'T COST ANYTHING SO FUCK OFF TRYING TO MAKE ME PAY FORTY FUCKING QUID FOR ONE FUCKING PDF.

BERGFILES.COM YOU FUCKING WANKERS if you are going to make your server return a 404 on some URL then MAKE IT SHOW A FUCKING 404 PAGE. Not a fucking page to download the fucking nonexistent file that looks exactly like everything is in order but doesn't work when I try to use it so I spend ages fucking around looking for broken javascript or unreported can't-set-cookies errors which are what usually cause file sharing sites to fuck up. CUNTS.

It's not often that the classic superhero thing of one guy singlehandedly saving the entire fucking world actually happens for real. Really, you'd expect it could never happen. This guy did it, though. By doing nothing.

When I was 5 we used to have to spend a lot of time in class sitting cross-legged on the floor, wearing these baggy school shorts. So when I got bored I used to put my hand up the leg of my shorts and get my dick out down the leg. It was something to giggle about instead of being bored, and it had the additional advantage that when the teacher noticed she would be somewhat embarrassed about it and beyond going "stop that, it's dirty" she wouldn't actually create a big row at me like she usually did.

From Reagan's autobiography: "Three years had taught me something surprising about the Russians: Many people at the top of the Soviet hierarchy were genuinely afraid of America and Americans. Perhaps this shouldn't have surprised me, but it did... ...I began to realize that many Soviet officials feared us not only as adversaries but as potential aggressors who might hurl nuclear weapons at them in a first strike..." Fucksake this tit had his finger on the nuclear button, how the pissing fuck did he manage to get that far while remaining so clueless? There had been more than enough exposures of big-time Russian spies that it should have been bleeding obvious to him that the KGB more than likely knew all about the large number of high-ranking American military officials who had been mad keen to carry out a first strike ever since enough nukes became available to do it and repeatedly made forceful and aggressive promotions of their views. The Russians had plenty of reason to believe the Americans wanted to nuke them out of the blue. He's right about one thing - it bleeding well shouldn't have surprised him... But it did, and what did he do as soon as he got in? Starts deliberately winding them up by sending planes and submarines close enough to seriously take the piss over and over again, probing their defences and ostentatiously going "ner ner ner, you've got a weak point here" wherever there was one, gives them the jitters big time, fails to take note of obvious signs that they've got the wind up like shooting down KAL007, and waltzes into Able Archer 83 which winds them up even more to the point that they genuinely thought it was real and were inches away from pushing the button on their side before it was too late. Not until six months later when his own crappy spies finally get the message that yes the Russians really did think he was genuinely about to nuke them does he stop and go "shit, maybe I shouldn't have done that". I suppose that's what you get when you make a president out of a guy who used to star in B-movies and thinks the world works like Hollywood. Fucksake.

US, UK, EU - GET THE FUCK OFF PUTIN'S BACK. He is simply putting right what Khrushchev fucked up. It didn't make any difference back then, but it does now. Khrushchev wasn't even supposed to do it in the first place, come to that, but it made too little difference at the time for anyone to seriously care about it.

Fucksake it's not like this is even a new thing. It's been on the cards ever since the Soviet Union broke up. Crimea has been wanting to get back into Russia ever since and they were after trying to do something to bring that about 20 years ago. Only now that something is happening about it but it's on Russia's initiative the fucking Western cunt media all suddenly forget that they know perfectly well that Crimea wants to be Russian and start pretending Putin is forcing it on people who don't want it when it's been well known for fucking years that they fucking well do want it.

Fucksake look at the size of the areas of land involved and consider that Russia has got Crimea back remarkably fucking quickly and without even having to shoot anyone. (Yes, one guy got shot, but it is not clear who did it, regardless of Western media trying to make out that it was definitely Russia, and even if it was it's still fucking impressive as an example of a very large scale action with an unfeasibly small number of people getting shot.) It's piss obvious that nobody on the spot is right bothered about it otherwise they would have put up more of a fight. So fuck all you hypocritical cunt Western governments banging on about how awful it is when you've spent over a decade yourselves fucking up Afghanistan and Iraq for no better fucking reason than George Bush having a paddy and everyone's fucking tongue up his fucking arse.

Western governments fucking around with the Middle East have made the world a much less stable place than it was before because they are arrogant interfering cunts and the people they are interfering with can see that very well indeed even if the Western governments themselves are moronically fucking blind to it. Now they are making matters even worse by kicking up a fuss over another thing that is none of their fucking business and making a fight out of something that actually was not one before they started shit stirring. Fucking pack it in for fuck's sake.

Of course what it really is is they're all going cold war cold war and are shit scared of Russia becoming strong again because it'll make it harder for them to get their own way in everything. Well FUCK YOU. That is exactly why Russia SHOULD be strong again. This fucking thing of Western governments trampling all over every other fucker finally fucking came to an end after the First World War when they all started looking at the Soviet Union and going wibble wibble wibble instead, except for Hitler but he was a headcase anyway, and then after the Second when everyone had nukes it all really settled down apart from finally kicking the West out of Indo-China. But then the Soviet Union collapsed and it all fucking started up again and we're back where we fucking were a hundred years ago only everyone has better weapons and the people the West pisses off are much more able to do something about it.

Fuckin' GOOD LUCK TO YA VOLODYA MATE. The world needs a strong Russia again to provide a counterbalance to the rampant West and I hope it gets it.

So many Wikipedia articles on geographically-related subjects are rendered shit because they HAVE NO BLOODY MAPS in. Or maybe they have one shitty map which has no detail and is next to useless. No doubt this is all down to STUPID FUCKING COPYRIGHT SHIT again. Yet a-fucking-gain, I should say. Copyright copyshite FUCK OFF. Sick and fucking tired of things being fucked up because of petty-arsed fuckheads whining and bitching about people copying stuff. Get your fucking heads round the fact that copying stuff is completely trivial these days. If you don't want it copied then don't fucking put it out there to be fucking copied. If you do put it out there then fucking well accept that anyone who wants to copy it now can and they will and it's your own fucking fault for not keeping it to yourself. You're like people who went round trying to ban language back when humans evolved speech. If it can be copied it will be copied and if you don't like that then either get yourself a time machine and go back and live before computers were invented or go and jump in a fucking lake, either will do.

Youtube are utter cunts for not sticking to their original position of "we get such a fuck load of videos uploaded that it is utterly impractical to screen them all for copyright" and instead implementing a cunt bot that does just that. The excuse was perfectly plausible and by not sticking to it they have not only made their own site vastly more shit, they have also weakened the argument for anyone else who wants to use it. (Yes of course other sites will not have access either to the vast amount of processing power or to the huge pool of misapplied programming talent that youtube does, but you try getting a bunch of fucking lawyers who don't know shit about technology to understand that.)

All drugs should be legalised simply because no fucker has any right to dictate what someone else does or doesn't do with their own fucking body. Even if all the other arguments against legalising drugs were not the nonsensical hypocritical horseshit that they are, they would still count for nothing as that one point trumps everything.

Anti-drug laws are the same kind of deal as rape, because both anti-drug laws and rape are all about forcibly depriving someone of control over their own body and desires. And they probably cause comparable amounts of suffering overall as well given the way that so much organised crime and gangsterism can only exist because anti-drug laws make it profitable. Anti-drug law proponents, mobsters and rapists are all morally equivalent and those who legislate against drugs should be subject to the same kind of sanctions as rapists and mobsters are.

I think one of the best delayed-discovery-of-corpse stories I have heard was the one where the guy leaked enough that the floorboards rotted along with him, until eventually they gave way and he fell through into the spare bedroom of the flat below.

I once had a knock on the door from some policemen who had a warrant to search my gaff for "electrical goods and jewellery". As soon as they told me what they were there for I burst out laughing. So did they when I let them in and they saw what was inside. They took the serial number off a shitty old tape deck that was still more or less in one piece just for something to do and then buggered off, doubtless to regard some informer with rather more suspicion in the future.

"NSA monitored calls of 35 world leaders", says a headline. Why the fuck is that any sort of surprise? They are fucking spies, for fuck's sake. It's the sort of thing spies do. The only real surprise is that the US should have so many secret agents who are so staggeringly shit at keeping things secret. I'd be far more surprised to hear that the NSA were not monitoring the calls of world leaders. I would not believe it and I would be surprised that anyone would think anyone might.

What is all this shit about "I hope name of nearly dead person doesn't die alone"? I fully expect to be one of those people whose death becomes the source material for a policeman's gross-out tale of cleaning up a corpse that has melted into the furnishings over a period of several months, and I don't see any problem with it. It would be nice to be able to leave a note saying "don't fuck about, just use a fucking shovel" but I don't see any value in loads of people being sad about it and hanging around being sad while I die. Surely the fewer people who are sad about it the better.

I like the way the styling of the engine/frame/tank on this bike makes it look as if it already has a rider on it in an extreme crouched-down-for-speed pose.

It is a shame that the email containing this picture was not a genuine contact from the woman depicted but only a failed attempt to induce me to execute the virus in the accompanying zip file. (Admittedly she does have an iphone, but I could probably overlook that if the email had been real.)

So much of the fucked-up state of the world is down to there simply being far too many people in it, because they won't stop fucking breeding. It is most depressing that the human species is the one species which has the capacity to understand about overpopulation and to exercise conscious control over whether they breed or not, but nevertheless overwhelmingly ignores the whole business and carries on like bleeding rabbits regardless. It is even more depressing that those few people who do see the problem and agree that people should stop breeding nevertheless think that they somehow have a personal exemption and it's OK for them to have kids. Fucksake.

And it certainly doesn't help that nearly all governments, in the usual fuckwitted way of governments, refuse to acknowledge the problem and instead encourage people to breed because they have this stupid idea that a continually-expanding population is somehow desirable. The concept of finite resources seems to be utterly beyond their grasp, even in circumstances that one would have thought would make it flaming bloody obvious, such as the situation of this country which has a hard limit on its land area due to being an island and is already grossly overcrowded with many more times the number of people living in it than it can support without importing most of the necessary resources from elsewhere. Trouble is they are all terrified of having an "ageing population" on the grounds that there would not be enough young people to look after the old ones and are too bleeding stupid to see that this argument is a huge pile of shit. Old people do not hang around for ever. They die. There would not be any more of them, instead the numbers would gradually diminish. So we don't need any more young people to look after them; we have enough at the moment, and a declining number of them to look after a declining number of old people is not a problem. Furthermore the number of people who actually are engaged in care of the elderly is tiny whereas the number of people engaged in pointless futile shit that we would be better off with nobody doing at all is enormous so we can always redeploy them if we do run short. And another point which is continually ignored is that old people dying off and not being replaced by new ones releases resources which can be used for care of the old ones who haven't got to the dying off stage yet. But then governments are more or less guaranteed to be mindlessly stupid and there is also the point that they have an Eddorian desire for more and more people to lord it over so they can get more pleasure out of their power trip, which is after all why people go into government in the first place (whether they admit it or not), which is why nobody who actually wants to be in government should be allowed to do it and any government we do have should be obtained by randomly selecting people who don't want to do it.

It deserves to be more widely realised that the Fëanorian-scale tantrum thrown by America over the WTC attack has caused the deaths of a hundred times as many innocent civilians as died in that attack in the first place. Unsympathetic? Yes, I suppose I am. When the plain numbers show so unambiguously that America is a hundred times worse and yet they persist in the outrageous hypocrisy of trying to make out that they are the "goodies" instead of admitting that they are mass murderers on an epic scale I find it somewhat hard to be anything other than unsympathetic. And I think Fëanor was a cunt too.

It is also worth noting in such a context that "The West" in the geography of Arda does not correspond to America in the geography of Tellus. Rather, it is the place you find if you learn how to sail yourself at America and miss.

Fucking Americans at it again... Fox News Falsely Claims Obama Is Giving The Internet Away. Irrespective of the "falsely" bit or the fact that the writers of the article don't seem to have a bleeding clue what they're talking about anyway, what fucks me off is the quotes from various Americans who all seem to think they "own" the internet in the first place. FUCK OFF. The internet is INTERNATIONAL. I am sick to the fucking bollocks of fucking America acting like they have some right to tell the whole fucking world what to do. America, you own THIS BIT and that is your fucking lot. Do what the fuck you want within your own borders and keep your fucking nose out of everyone else's business. You do NOT "own" the fucking internet to begin with and the less any control of it is given to any nation - especially one with such a vile imperialistic control-freak we-think-we-rule-the-world attitude as America - the better.

FUCKSAKE I have just shat myself so copiously that I even got shit on my shirt. This prescription is a bitch sometimes.

Reasons to be glad about being born with the male phenotype: Can't get pregnant. Don't have periods. Reasons not to be glad about it: Facial hair. Having to constantly fight against being biologically programmed to be several different kinds of cunt.

"The right says, Stalin was horrible - that means Lenin was horrible", says a Google snippet. No. Lenin was horrible because he was a power-seeking cunt who fucked people's heads up. His promotion of a certain ideology was just a cover for his personal power grab. The Russians wanted change, but not his change, which is why he had to set up a second revolution when the first one didn't give the outcome he wanted, and then prevent anyone from carrying out a third one to get rid of him by setting up an organisation to go round shooting everyone who disagreed with him. Which he deliberately did in a grossly unsubtle manner, shooting fuck loads of people with no attempt at concealment and explicitly advertising it as a "reign of terror" as if that was somehow supposed to be a good thing. And the Germans knew exactly what he was all about; they went to some effort to smuggle him back into Russia because they knew bloody well that he would fuck the place up completely and do more to collapse the Eastern Front than whole bloody armies could. He effectively made himself into another Tsar and carried on doing all the same kinds of shit Tsary things that people were pissed off with the Tsars about only on a much larger scale and much more effectively. Yet despite it being so flaming bloody obvious what a cunt he was he was so successful at fucking people's heads up and deceiving them into thinking that he was doing a good thing and not acting for his own benefit at all that even these days there are still fuck loads of people who refuse to accept that he was a horrible little shit. That is why he was a horrible little shit: nothing to do with the ideology, whether you think that's good or bad (me, I think all ideologies and dogmas are bad by definition) and everything to do with being very, very good at carrying out Eddorian-style mass headfucks. Anyone who does stuff like that is a horrible little shit and Lenin was no exception.

And for irrelevant amusement, the next snippet down on the Google page is a random assortment of quotes from this page; it says Little kid passing me in the street: "Mummy, that man looks like Santa Claus. ..... Fucksake settle down you furry little git. ...... Lenin was a horrible little shit. Which I find quite funny.

#TopTips: Make people think you are a complete lunatic by learning the whole of this page off by heart and quoting random sentences off it in reply to anything anyone says to you.

"Please make sure we have your correct mobile number on our system, we will be texting appointment reminders to you", says a cunty annoying overlay thing on the website for my doctor's surgery. I don't have a bleeding mobile. I do have email. But they won't flaming well use it. It is impossible to contact them by email or to get them to use email if they want to contact me. Why? Because they know fuck all about computers and insist on acting on their ignorance. They think email is "insecure" when the real problem in that direction is that people can't be arsed to check out email providers, and use things like hotmail (notoriously weak password recovery system) or gmail (set up by Google specifically to give them a huge corpus of private data to poke their fucking noses into and spread thoughtlessly around the place for profit) for their general purpose email instead of just making disposable accounts to sign up to forums with which is all those services are good for. They would do far more good to get a clue and tell people who supply email addresses with such providers why they should not be using them. Unfortunately they seem to be at the sort of stage where when I do finally find an email address for them the result of writing to it is that they sign me up to a mailing list run by the people who wrote their website and send me usernames and passwords for me to create my own test website for a doctor's surgery, so there is a long way to go yet.

"How to make profits through Hedging", says a link accompanying an Independent article. Don't need to click that. It's easy. What you do is buy a hedge trimmer and charge people money for cutting bits off their hedges with it. I thought everyone knew that.

Dickhead named "christen" on a phone scam numbers website writes: "I checked. These are genuine but the problem is no one understands that foreigners can also work in uk" (referring to 0161 8189906, a scam caller's number in Manchester). Are they fuck "genuine". They are ringing random people telling them that they have had an accident in the last 3 years when they have not. It is quite plainly a rather inept scam. "Foreigners"? The relevance of that is simply that many of the calls are made by a guy with such a thick foreign accent that people can hardly understand what he's saying. Christen, you are a shill. Fuck off.

Niols and regits and dorpales... what is it with these big cats not being able to keep their letters in order?

Why do so many internet fuckwits keep insisting that .wav files can't contain metadata? They fucking well can. Try exporting a .wav from audacity having filled in the fields in the metadata dialogue it gives you when you export, then look at the last few hundred bytes of the file with a hex dump or whatever. What do you see? That's right, the fucking metadata you just filled in. .wav files DO support metadata. It even says so in the wikipedia entry about them; it's not exactly obscure knowledge. Yet these thick cunts keep saying that they don't and producing misleading and unhelpful answers to people who ask questions relating to .wav metadata. More than likely, too, it is the misinformation from these dickwads that is responsible for the poor support for .wav metadata - nobody thinks to try and support it because these shits keep telling everyone it doesn't exist. Well it DOES fucking exist so SHUT THE FUCK UP you ignorant destructive cunts.

The idea that Elves did not have technology is a misconception. They did. They had some extremely advanced technology and several examples of it are mentioned in the books. It was industry that they didn't have; they had neither the need nor the desire for it.

"Oh, look - a newspaper with a picture of a woman wanking on the front." - Reaction of someone on first seeing the Daily Sport.

The problem with slavery is, of course, that it involves being a cunt to the slaves; and this remains true whether it is referred to honestly as "slavery" or euphemistically as "employment". Calling it silly names does not solve anything; the answer is to build robots instead.

It is notable how those who are most vocal in bitching and whining about people on benefits being "parasites" tend to be those who are themselves genuine parasites - bankers, stockbrokers, accountants, advertisers, and so on, who spend their time in doing shit that we would be better off if nobody did it at all and extracting much, much larger amounts of money through their parasitism than anyone gets from the benefit system, while causing explicit harm by exerting their influence to perpetuate the system that makes their large-scale parasitism possible. Hypocritical fucks.

Marxism and capitalism are both just as bad as each other, being merely slightly different-smelling farts from the same arsehole. They both worship continuous work and do nothing but pick nits over what happens next. Both systems fail equally to address what should be the main concern of any attempt to organise society for the betterment of the lot of the human race: getting rid of this fucking "work" horseshit altogether. The whole struggle and misery thing arises not because of anything over which Marxism and capitalism are in dispute, but because people are forced to spend their entire time on "work" - for no better reason than endemic hidebound stupidity and failure to question the system at a deep enough level. 90% of "work" could be very simply eliminated either by developing robots to do it or (for by far the most part) just not fucking bothering to do it at all. The whole idea of "job creation schemes" is sick and evil; what we need are "job elimination schemes", explicit efforts to reduce the amount of work there is to do and instead allow people to enjoy that which truly constitutes wealth: time, and the freedom to choose for yourself how to spend it instead of being forced to spend it with your tongue up the arse of the work-worship system struggling to lick out enough shit to keep yourself fed.

To complain about artists having difficulties in "making a living" from their work is to go barking up completely the wrong tree. What you should be complaining about is the system that makes the concept even relevant in the first place. The system that creates and maintains artificial conditions under which this "making a living" shit is made so unnecessarily difficult that it takes up the whole of everyone's time so the only way the artist can get enough time to make art is to compromise the whole thing by subverting it to the cause of "making a living". This system, and the associated quasi-religious worship of "work" that it promotes, is a giant tank of horseshit. If we got rid of all the vast amounts of bullshit "work" that does not need to be done then there would be no need for anyone to work more than four hours or so a week to get done that which does actually need to be done, and they would be free to spend the rest of their time doing whatever the fuck they wanted, whether that is making art or masturbating. Not only the artists, but everyone, would be a whole fuck load better off.

Record companies are redundant these days. Their usefulness was a product of the days when duplication of data without loss of quality required a factory full of expensive machinery and a distribution network for the physical objects on which the data was encoded. But these days duplication of data is a task that anyone can do at home using stuff they have already with little more difficulty than breathing (in my case, indeed, sometimes with less difficulty >cough< >wheeze<). There is no more use for record companies and the cunts should bloody well just suck it up and cease trading instead of fucking everyone around and being giant arseholes trying to artificially perpetuate conditions which don't exist any more. They are as obsolete now as horse breeders and carriage builders became when cars were invented; their constant whining and bitching about copyright shite is equivalent to having a man with a red flag walking in front of cars and they can fucking well stuff it up their fucking arse.

I ate a pie for dinner
It had some meat inside
It tasted so revolting
I vomited and cried.
I ate a pie for pudding
'Twas full of fruit so red
The fruit was really poisonous
And now I'm nearly dead.

Scotland has the unique distinction of being the country from which is derived the official standard for a semi.

The Waterboys made a song about the whole of the moon. Paul McCartney made a song about the whole of the mullok.

The scientific name of the common frog is Rana temporaria, because they are only acting as locum tenentes until the permanent frogs come back.

A turkey is what happens when you take a chicken and stick a bicycle pump up its arse.

A duck is what happens when you unscrew the neck from a goose and screw the head directly back on to the body.

A parakeet is a budgie with delusions of grandeur.

Twitter's mail server has the name "ham-cannon". This is amusingly reminiscent of "pork sword".

Vladimir Putin must be all right if he likes ickle gorgeous birdies.

Buzzfeed.com SUCKS. I have just had to write a userjs which basically deletes nearly everything off the fucking page apart from the primary content just to make the site usable. Just to make it so I can bleeding scroll the thing without having to wait 30 seconds between clicking on the scrollbar and the page actually scrolling. FUCKSAKE you USELESS CUNTS what the FUCK are you PLAYING AT writing such a FUCKING SHIT UNUSABLE SITE.

The Austin-Healey 3000 reminds me of a randy pigeon, because they always look like they are dragging the tail on the ground.

I would really rather like to have a glass eye, so that I could install a battery and a laser in it.

I have heard that it is supposed to be quite entertaining to shout at cyclists "Hey, your back wheel's going round".

I sometimes wonder if there is anything I am not fucking angry about.

Life is a dog's penis.

Nerdanel was a mathematician as well as a sculptor. The same underlying cast of mind naturally gave rise to both interests. Her particular specialisation was abstract geometries.

Advocaat, vodka and tomato juice. Looked like pus and blood. Tasted worse. Free drinks all evening were offered to anyone who could down it in one. Muggins here accepted. The subsequent photo of my legs sticking out under the toilet door while the rest of my body lay unconscious inside caused great amusement.

The Cold War coming to an end was most regrettable. The world needs an entity like the Soviet Union - one which is opposed to America and has comparable power - in order to provide a balance and a check against America's arrogant and repulsive tendency to use their military and commercial clout to tell every other fucker what to do. It was much better when America had some fear of going too far in case the Soviets lost it with them and nuked them to shit. I do not want to live in a world which is forcibly made to conform to American values, and since they are too arrogant to respect other countries' independence without the threat of being nuked to shit the loss of that threat is most undesirable.

SSL is untrustworthy these days. It is necessary to ensure that your machine does not have a hooky CA installed - for instance by your mobile provider or by your employer - otherwise it cannot be regarded as secure. Corporate MITM proxies are becoming ever more widespread.

"Please note: t.co links are neither private nor public", says twitter's support page on the subject. Don't be such a fucking stupid arse. They have got to be one or the other you flaming morons.

A web page intended to help Americans get along in Britain includes the instruction: Spell and pronounce ass as "arse". What do you mean "pronounce"? It sounds exactly the same whether it's an American or a Brit saying the word. It's only the spelling that's different. Americans pronounce "ass" as "arse" all the time, as attested in innumerable films. The word which is pronounced differently is "ass" meaning "donkey", which is actually pronounced "ass". (Although just to confuse things some old and/or posh people will pronounce it "arse"; my grandad did this once when I was a kid and it confused me mightily for a minute until I worked it out.)

"Made in Republic of Ireland using Chicken from Thailand and Brazil", says this packaging. For FUCK'S SAKE you can grow chickens perfectly well RIGHT THERE IN IRELAND, what the PISS-ENCRUSTED UNDERPANTS are you playing at shipping the fuckers half way round the fucking world for fuck's sake.

"Are these magic cloaks?" asked Pippin curiously.

"I do not truly know what you mean by that", the Elf replied. "But certainly their technology is sufficiently advanced."

Americans, your country originates in large part with people fleeing ours to escape religious persecution. Now leave the fucking Muslims alone.

Little kid passing me in the street: "Mummy, that man looks like Santa Claus." Oh, great. Why not call me a cunt and ask me where your fucking bike is while you're at it.

What cockend changed the default from shortname=lower to shortname=mixed for vfat? I do not want all my fucking photos being given filenames in fucking upper case thank you oh so very much. Bonus shit points for the coincidence of an update having pulled in this change at the same time that I reformatted the camera's memory card so I started off thinking it was the camera's fault and wasted ages trying to make it stop doing it.

It comes apart! Neeeee!

People Who Look Like Animals: George Bush, chimp. Kim Kardashian, gorilla. Sarah Jessica Parker, horse. Emma Watson, dog. Ricky Gervais, dog (the other end). "Britain can look forward to 10 days of sun" headline title pic, sheep. Oh no, hang on, it is a sheep. "You took pleasure in degrading me" headline title pic, sheep (that one is a man). People Who Don't Look Like Animals Any More: Princess Anne (ex-horse, position of equine royal now occupied by Camilla Parker Bowles).

OI LICHFIELD DISTRICT COUNCIL why is your arse biscuit PDF no longer listed on Google? Put it back up. NOW.

"The technology or energy generation method might be green but its environmental effect would have been disastrous." So it's NOT fucking "green" then, is it, you flaming great dimwit.

"I want to know the connection between the elves and the Nazis." - OK, here's a clue... six letters, begins with F.

What can cause random spasms of intense pain in the penis which are massively exacerbated by the slightest movement of said organ? Cocksucker B virus.

There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved with a big enough hammer.

Why the cunting shit do people insist on fucking speaking? EMAIL, for fuck's sake. EMAIL. Fuck the fucking phone. Email is so much less hassle. The phone can go and fuck itself. Email.

Before Hitler made it unfashionable, everybody hated the Jews for no fucking reason. It was all over the place. I mean what the fuck? Most of the time you can't even tell if someone is a Jew unless you ask them. How did they know who they were supposed to hate?

Blokes photographed in nightclubs always seem to be doing their level best to look exactly like an aggressive rat. I do not know why this is but I suspect it is probably because they are cunts.

"Dance music" these days seems to refer to crap which is actually impossible to dance to because it has no rhythm whatsoever, being instead nothing but a sequence of unmusical noises to which the only possible physical response is to flail randomly around like a total spastic. That is not dancing, and the sound inspiring the response is not music. A far more appropriate term for both the sound and the movement would be "shite".

I don't mind a little stormy weather, but I just can't stand the rain.

I really wish people who use graphical user interfaces would fucking pack it in with distributing files that have fucking spaces in the filename. They are a huge pain in the arse. Stop it.

A swan is what happens when a duck is raised lying upside down on a table with its head sticking through a hole and a weight tied round its neck.

Oh for fuck's sake, the Service Delivery Manager for Microsoft really is actually called Edward Dake.

Raves = Drug parties. Ignore the moronic internet apologists who try to deny this. They are full of shit. People went to raves for three main reasons, which in order of importance were: (1) To get as blitzed off their faces as they possibly could. (2) Opportunities for sex. (3) For the thrill of being a rebel doing something that was not allowed and of trying to outwit the efforts of the police to stop them getting to it.

How do I know this? Because I knew loads of people who did it. But unlike them I was not into it myself and so do not feel any compulsion to lie about it in an attempt to deny a disreputable past.

Edward Dake is a cunt.

Internet age filters can get to fuck. If parents don't like what their children might find on the internet then don't let them use the fucking internet. Fuck off ruining the internet for everyone else by forcing everyone to conform to American megaprude standards. Fuck off blocking access to content which is purely textual and not sex-related at all but happens to have one rude word in it that Americans don't like. And no you don't have to buy your kids a fucking iphone just because their friends have got them. Tell them instead that "everyone else does it" is no fucking reason at all for anyone but a stupid cunt to do anything and if they insist on being a stupid cunt they can fucking well wait until they're 18 and be a stupid cunt with their own money. It's bad enough that you have done your bit towards fucking the world up by incrementing its already grossly excessive population with your selfish spawning without expecting everyone else to tolerate things being fucked up for them personally just because you can't be fucking arsed to actually fulfil the responsibilities you have so selfishly and thoughtlessly taken on. I bet you haven't even taken steps to put aside enough money to support your offspring throughout life but instead are expecting them to have to submit to economic slavery just because "everyone does it". You thoughtless cunt. If you really love your kids why the shitting fuck do you think it acceptable to condemn them to a life of employment? That's what you'd do if you really hated their guts. Fucksake.

"My wife's gone to Indonesia." "Jakarta?" "No, she isn't that fat, she went on a plane."

A goose is what happens when a swan is raised with its head in a jar so its neck can't grow long.

I keep seeing the word "Corn" on this pigeon food sack without my specs on and thinking it says "Cunt".

"He'd had time to find the right wood and craft a bow..." But you don't find seasoned wood just lying around. And he hasn't met anyone who might have had a stock of it. So he must have made his bow out of green wood, and it is probably rather shit.

Peter Jackson tried to scam Christopher Tolkien out of the share of the profits which was due to him under the terms on which his father had sold the film rights, by coming up with some shitscum accountants' fiction to make out that despite the huge success of the films there were no profits for him to have a share of. The guy really is a hairy fat toad. And a cunt.

Vance Miller being tied face down on a grotty kitchen worktop while an army of Indonesians take it in turns to push spam up his arse is a most entertaining mental image.

Every time you work out what something is, a sunken ship catches fire.

What do you call a man who makes cloth? Fred.

No more than I want to see adverts do I want to see the output of pissy scripts moaning at me for blocking them. Fuck off. I just want stuff WITHOUT SHIT ALL OVER IT regardless of what form the shit might take.

Cugel the Clever reminds me somewhat of Paul Theroux. They both travel about the place being a cunt to the locals and treating them like something unpleasant on their shoe.

The problem with figuring out practical chemistry is that no fucker ever talks about reaction conditions. You get a textbook saying that such-and-such a class of reductions "may be readily carried out using hydrogen and a platinum/palladium/nickel/etc catalyst" so you try it and fuck all happens and rude words are said. It is not until twenty years later that you happen to chance across a description of some industrial process that uses the same reaction you were trying and discover that it has to be done at 150 deg C and 30 bar to make it work. Fucksake why not say so to begin with then. It's not exactly "readily carried out" if you need a 30 bar pressure vessel and all the associated kit in place of an ordinary flask. That's "may be carried out with great difficulty under pretty extreme conditions with lots of very expensive apparatus". FATIFORXIZ APORATUS. spana indy werx.

For sale: ARSES. Available in all sizes from "foetus" to "flabber monster", or made to measure. New, second-hand, and reconditioned (exchange available). For terms and prices please send enquiry by farting in Morse.

A spam invites me to put a stop to thousands of horses being. Poor buggers. What have the spammers got against horses so?

Next door must be the world bleeding champions at finding music with the most boring and tedious bass lines ever.

Since when did horses freak out and run away from foxes? English cunts use horses to ride toward foxes and it's the fox that freaks out and runs away.

The other thing about this winged horse idea is that all the moaning fuckers who whine about bird shit would realise how lucky they've really been all these years.

The thing about this winged horse idea that always seems to get overlooked is that the wings do rather get in the way of riding it. Far more practical to strap jetpacks to its legs (and you get VTOL too).

Durassic: a palaeological era characterised by battery-powered dinosaurs.

Ordnance Survey "Ranger" series: Sheet 150 - Bree and Weathertop

You can NOT get from Minas Tirith to Minas Morgul in an hour or two's ride. It is a LONG WAY and on top of that you have to get the horse across a big massive river somehow or else walk half of it.

My cat is very difficult to throw balls of paper for because she insists on looking at me instead of at the bloody ball. Stupid beast.

Having just taken my central heating thermostat off the wall to photograph the cuntresistor for an illustration for the last-but-one entry, I am horrified to find that instead of having one, it has something even more shit. There is a whole fucking circuit board in there with an LM358 op-amp comparing the output from a thermistor with that from a pot set by the dial in place of a simple passive non-power-consuming bimetallic strip. What the pissing fuck for? It's more complicated, more likely to go wrong, uses more resources both to make and to operate, and does not do the job any better. It does not even avoid the one thing that might be a bad point about a simple bimetallic device - mechanical contacts which might wear out, although in practice they don't - because it uses a fucking relay to switch its output. What the shitting cunt is wrong with people these days? Just because it's electronic does NOT automatically make it "better", and it certainly doesn't in this case.

I have just read a blog entry from some fucking idiot who was cleaning something with cellulose thinners in the same room as a gas leak detector and spent what sounds like two or three hours in a dithering panic when the detector went off, doing absolutely nothing of any use whatsoever and ending up with googling the detector and coming to the erroneous conclusion that it was faulty based on the unsubstantiated witterings of other comparably stupid people. Fucksake you've just honked the place out with inflammable hydrocarbon vapours and the gas detector goes off - what the fuck did you expect you moronic twat? And what in the name of chronic incurable anal leakage did you install the fucking thing for when the one thing you actively try to avoid doing when it goes off is ring the gas company? You don't need a replacement gas detector, you need a replacement brain for fuck's sake.

Central heating thermostats are staggeringly shit these days. They have a hysteresis of something like 5 degrees C, which is far too large to maintain a temperature that feels constant. So they incorporate a horrible fucking bodge: there is a 100k resistor in them which receives mains power when the contacts are closed, placed so that the heat so generated makes the bimetallic element somewhat warmer than it would be just from the heat in the room, with the result that the room temperature does not need to rise by the full 5 degrees before the thing switches off again.

This is a disgusting way of doing things; not only is it a vile bodge of itself, but it has the further disadvantage that an extra conductor is required in the cable to the thermostat for the return from the resistor, which is a thorough waste of copper. And what makes it even worse is that older thermostats did not do this shit thing. Not so long ago they were made with a sensibly small amount of hysteresis, and were entirely capable of maintaining a perceived constant temperature without any need for vile bodgery.

The old style worked just as well, were cheaper to make because they did not include the extra parts, and did not waste copper by requiring extra conductors in the cable. So what the pissing fuck is wrong with the manufacturers' heads for them to abandon a perfectly sound design and replace it with a fucked up bodge? The utter unreasoning stupidity of it is infuriating, and is yet another unwelcome addition to the burden of having to live on a world which is populated with such frantic benighted morons.

"Advertising - is the only way to monetize this website", whines the placeholder image for some fucking advert which I have blocked. If I did have any sympathy (which I don't) then still all vestige of it would disappear instantly at the use of such an utterly cunt word.

Should anyone who has used that or a similar image on their own website happen across this page then perhaps it might (though I doubt it, but still) be some consolation that the advertiser may actually gain somewhat from me blocking the advert. If I did see it then I would respond by determining never to buy whatever it is they are clogging the internet with their shitty plugs for, whereas as things are I don't know what that thing is or who's plugging it so cannot so avoid it.

A printer problem solving website says: "Try all the things it says to try in the manual, then if that doesn't work take it to a repair shop". It repeats the same useless crap (with the same spelling mistakes and typos) for several different printers and several instances of this duplicate shite appear on the first page of Google.

This sort of shite-arse website whose content consists entirely of useless crap gathered from trivial sources and endlessly repeated purely to gather hits on the fucking adverts it carries is a fine example of why internet advertising should be banned. No doubt some dick will attempt to argue that such a measure would result in the disappearance of a lot of good websites due to lack of funding. That argument is bullshit. In reality it would result in the disappearance of a lot of shit websites, and those that remain would be mostly those that are most useful and informative and also easiest to use. As with pretty well everything, websites that are done to make money tend to be shit while websites that are done because the doer cares enough about what they're doing to spend their own money on it tend to be done much better.

It's not as if the amount of money involved is very large anyway. Useful and informative websites often comprise no more than a comparatively small number of static HTML pages which consume little storage or bandwidth, and can be hosted for about the cost of a pint of beer a month. That is a pretty trivial cost for any hobby activity - even walking will cost you more than that in shoe leather, and actually drinking beer will cost much more - and someone who refuses to spend even that tiny cost is unlikely to care enough about the subject to be publishing anything useful on it. Come to that, the hosting cost for this website is zero, which since I don't drink beer is pretty handy.

"Moreover, a supplementary page says: DOS$B$b$7$/$O(BWindows$B7PM3$G$N(BDOS$B%"%W%j%1!<%7%g%s$N(B $B0u:~$O$G$-$^$;$s!#(Bwhich I imagine means: This printer works as a hardware accessory to Windows", writes some bloke on the internet. That's one impressive imagination he has there.

Harry Potter eats budgies.

It is daft to decry McDonald's and the like simply on the grounds that they are burgers. That is not what is wrong with them. What is wrong with them is that they are shit burgers. Burgers from the supermarket are a fucking sight nicer and a fucking sight cheaper too.

It is a great shame that the terrorist attack on the WTO towers only destroyed the buildings and not the organisation. We do not need an organisation to facilitate international trade. We need an organisation to restrict it to essential commodities only. All this fucking crap of shipping stuff endlessly around the world and consuming vast quantities of fuel in so doing needs to be stopped, not encouraged. What does it achieve anyway apart from further enriching a bunch of rich cunts who are already so unfeasibly loaded that they have not the remotest need for yet more bleeding money? Either make the stuff locally or don't bother fucking making it at all - the latter being preferable in the great majority of cases.

I would love to discover Coca-Cola's "secret recipe" and spread it far and wide around the internet, just to put an end to this ridiculous business of trying to make out that one variety of vile brown sticky goo is somehow fundamentally different from all the other equally foul varieties of it.

"Few people are likely to mistake Tanya Grotter for Harry Potter; it is akin to mistaking Burger King for McDonald's", writes a website. The first part of that seems to be entirely true. The second part, however, is bullshit of a particularly moronic nature. Burger King is exactly the fucking same as McDonald's only with a different name. Tanya Grotter could not be mistaken for Harry Potter even if all the names were removed because the content is different. Take the names off Burger King and McDonald's, however, and you have removed the only distinguishing feature; one plastic burger is no different from another, and without the name there is no way to tell them apart.

Is it Germany or Switzerland where they have an actual law against flushing the bog at night? Whichever it is they are a bunch of foul disgusting gits.

The human nose is an unusually felicitous construction compared to the noses of other animals, because it has the nostrils on the bottom rather than on the end and therefore makes it possible to nuzzle someone as a gesture of affection without wiping snot all over them.

The human anus, on the other hand, is a complete fucking bioengineering abortion and needs to be totally redesigned from scratch. A pigeon's arse is capable of ejecting a shit without leaving any adherent residue whatsoever. Just think of that the next time you find yourself using multiple wads of paper to scrape half a pound of sticky chocolate off your hole and consider how much easier and how much less unpleasant having a shit would be if your alimentary canal did not terminate in one of evolution's greatest fuckups short of the panda.

"Feminists": Stop whining and bitching about works of fiction set in a pre-industrial European society or an analogue thereof having very few significant female characters in them and all the people who "do stuff" being men. That's what the fucking world was like back then. If the book was full of "action girls" and no "action guys" (and was not explicitly some kind of science-fiction alternative-history setting) then it would just look hopelessly unrealistic and shit.

Similarly, political correctness obsessives of all kinds: stop whining and bitching about absolutely every fucking author who was writing more than a couple of decades back being "racist". Just because they were writing in a time which was not subject to the utter lunacy of declaring any and every reference to the property of broadband absorption of visible radiation to be "racist" does not mean they were racist themselves. It just means they had their heads screwed on a fucking sight more tightly than you do. Light/dark white/black good/evil imagery has got precisely fuck all to do with race, but everything to do with the self-preservational instinctive aversion of a species whose primary method of sensing and avoiding danger relies on visible light for times and places where absence of light causes dangers to remain undetected until they strike; condemning its use is as nonsensical as eschewing the use of artificial light on the grounds that eliminating the blackness of night is "racist". Fucksake just piss off and shut the fuck up until you have learned how to think straight.

Tumblr? What the fuck is this shit? All I see is snippets of text which cut off mid-sentence with no apparent way to make them not do this, on a page which is so fucking slow and unresponsive it won't even scroll properly and makes the browser grind so hard it's barely possible to click the back button to get off it. What the blistering fuck is wrong with people who write websites so fucking badly you need a 200GHz 256-core processor just to display some fucking text and images? Fucksake just use static HTML and stuff all this stupid pointless client-side shit up your arse.

My fan heater is a fine example of sly cunt design. It has two heat ranges. The incoming air meets the high range element first and then the low range one. This means that if you run it for a long time on low range, dust and cat hair and stuff builds up on the high range element, and then when you eventually do turn it onto high range the accumulated muck burns off producing a spectacular cloud of stinky smoke. It is entirely harmless and clears itself after a few seconds, but given the way people are so inclined to be panicky-arsed idiots about fire and electrical things that smoke, I am sure that plenty of people who bought the same model of fan heater have reacted by going into headless chicken mode, throwing the thing away and buying another one. Which of course was the intention of the fuckers who designed it like that.

What is it with animals that think smelling something necessarily involves bringing their nose into actual contact with it and smearing it with snot? Mucky fucking gits.

I wish it didn't take a whole quarter of an hour to do something as basic as having a shit.

In 2006, there were 296340 tons of fertiliser sent down the Rhine-Main-Danube canal one way, and 295701 tons the other way. It would have saved a fuck of a lot of hassle if they'd just left the bloody stuff where it was.

People have apparently been searching Amazon for "plutonium ore". >belms<

The Westlands fallacy: The wholly erroneous belief that it actually makes some worthwhile difference to refer to a shithole as a faecal management aperture. From an action by Droitwich council.

Why the fuck do people bother having revolutions? All that ever ends up being different is that you have new names for the same old shit.

"You can't start a sentence with Christmas is when." So I was informed in most emphatic terms when I was 9 years old or thereabouts. Now don't you forget it.

The only time there has ever been anything in the news about something that directly affected me was when my grandparents' car floated off in a flood and it was in the local paper.

Pubic hair is a fine example of evolution being a perverse wanker. What does it achieve? Fuck all except getting in the way and getting stuck in your teeth. Apparently its evolutionary function is largely to help ensure that you have smelly bits, in the same way that apocrine glands exist to help ensure that you have smelly pits. Bloody great. What kind of cunt development process is it that tries to make people stinky gits to make them more attractive to each other when the people themselves know that it makes them less attractive?

As long as we have laws against violence and theft that is all that matters. All the rest of it is bullshit and can get to fuck.

A spam invites me to shut down South Korea's monkey. What has South Korea's monkey ever done to me? I'd rather the monkey shut down the spammers myself.

Democracy is bullshit. What is an election really? You get to pretend to choose between a cunt with pubes that curl clockwise and a cunt with pubes that curl anticlockwise, using a system which guarantees that the results will be only weakly correlated with the numbers of votes cast, based on your expectations of how political behaviour correlates with pube twist and a bunch of promises they make. Then once they get in your expectations count for nothing because they were only inside your own head, their promises count for nothing because they ignore them, and they just do whatever the fuck they want for five years taking no bleeding notice of what anyone thinks of it even if they start a really big riot in protest.

It is not important whether or not the means by which the government is chosen is conducive to deceiving yourself into thinking you had some influence on it. What does matter is what happens when you call them cunts: do you just get ignored, or do you get shot. The third option - they listen and do something to fix stuff - never exists anyway so that doesn't come into it.

The value of elections is not in providing the illusion of choice, but in providing churn. The important thing is simply to ensure that no one lot can remain in power for too long at once. An election seems a grossly overcomplicated way of doing it when a random number generator would provide an equally useful result. Indeed the random number generator would be better, since the enormous gain in efficiency would make it entirely practical to switch cunts every one year instead of every five, thereby providing an extremely valuable reduction of the maximum size of fuckup they have time to implement before they get booted out again.

Every time I turn on the news these days there is some cunt calling me a crane. Fuck off. I'm a pigeon, not a crane. No wonder Putin is upset.

I have just received a dating spam from a woman who says she enjoys "jogging in the morning" as if that was an attractive feature. Fine, dear, you get on with it while I crawl back under the blankets and go back to sleep, please try to get out of bed without waking me up in future.

There is a dog round here which eats bricks. You know, the things houses are made of. It chews them to a paste and swallows them. Or at least so I deduce from the colour, consistency, and colossal size of the shits it leaves right in the middle of the pavement.

Barrow in Furness is where the ancient stone age burial mound people invented cremation.

Most cats sit on people's laps. Why does mine insist on bloody standing? And not standing still, even, but trampling and twisting about unceasingly. Fucksake settle down you furry little git.

The phrase "thousand yard stare" loses all its impact if you metricate it.

Do Google have some shite-arsed policy to make Wikipedia the first result on bleeding everything? If the search term is the same as the title of the article I suppose it makes some sense, but in cases (the majority) where that does not apply it is shit.

It's high time Google got rid of all the "improvements" they have made in the last 10 years and went back to how it was in 2003, because everything they have done to it since then, without one single exception, has made it less useful, harder to use, and more shit.

When, when, when will the onlytease.com photographer learn to hold the fucking camera straight?

Farting: the one bodily function which is truly enjoyable.

Authorial reference to a woman stranded in the wilderness "living off of twig and berries". Fiiiiine...

"A horse! A horse! My dog's bum for a horse!" - Richard the Turd

Different religions are like different fingers pointing at the moon. Don't look at the fingers... look at the Moon.

Fuck on a stick. I've just seen Roland Orzabal in the local shop. Looks like he'd stepped straight out of the cover shoot for Everybody Wants To Rule The World. Well, well, well.

I wish telephones didn't exist.

Royal Mail's list of prohibited items that may not be sent through the post under any circumstances includes both "organic chemicals" and "inorganic chemicals". So basically you're not allowed to send fucking anything at all. Bloody great.

"To be like" means "to resemble", not "to say". Remember this.

If you use "ur" as an abbreviation for "your" or "you're" then I shall immediately assume you are too bleeding thick to know the difference between shit and breakfast. If you try and justify that usage with "but it doesn't matter" or any similarly vapid and moronic excuse then I shall know that you are too bleeding thick to know the difference between shit and breakfast.

Website forms: STOP trying to insist that everyone has to have 2 names. And stop fucking bitching at me when I am forced to enter the same word in "first name" and "last name" or whatever synonyms you have chosen to name the fields. I have ONE name. Pigeon. That is all. If your system is too hidebound to cope with this then fucking well fix the bastard thing.

And while I'm at it: Stop insisting I provide a fucking "title" as well. I don't pissing well want a fucking "title". And FUCK OFF with the "gender" and "date of birth" fields since that is NONE OF YOUR FLAMING BUSINESS.

An inn is somewhere you can buy beer and sleep under a roof. So an outt must be... er... somewhere you get rid of beer and sleep not under a roof. Like, say, for instance, the spot on the pavement where you throw up on the way home and then pass out.

How about we get rid of the letter "i" just to fuck Apple up.

CO₂ TO MPG CONVERSION FIGURES: Petrol: MPG = 6690 / CO₂ Diesel: MPG = 7550 / CO₂ (for CO₂ figures in g/km)

What the fuck is it with people who, on asking me my name and being told it's Pigeon, reply with "I can't call you that" or something equally dense? It's my fucking name, for fuck's sake. If I "couldn't be called that" I'd have said something different. What do they want me to say? Some meaningless word which used to mean something in its original form in some language or other but now that the word has been mangled out of recognition and the original language is dead is just a jumble of letters? Well, fuck that.

SKP: three letters that describe someone who has got out of something.

Look. Pipe-weed is NOT ganja. It's tobacco FFS. Tolkien even identifies the plant as Nicotiana. He's describing his own pipe-smoking in Middle-earth terms. He was not himself a head and would hardly have been likely to make half his main characters heads. Yes, I know he calls it "weed". That was a slang word for tobacco in England long before it became a word for ganja instead. Chicken's tits.

STOP USING JQUERY. Just fucking STOP IT.

I mean for fuck's sake, the latest release is EIGHTY-TWO FUCKING K. Fucking arseholes. That's probably several times the size of the actual page content. All that mass of code just to use a handful of functions from it that would only take up a few lines each of standard javascript anyway. All that fucking complex bloat that the browser has to chug its way through first to compile and then to slowly and grindingly execute every time a function is called. Has nobody fucking heard of efficiency these days?

And what does it achieve anyway? Fuck all of any value. It just makes it easier to do shit that isn't worth doing and indeed is better not done at all. If it's "too difficult" to do it without jquery then don't fucking bother doing it at all. Nobody is going to miss out on anything. Well, perhaps the cunt who writes it will miss out on having the chance to wank over another little bit of clever-arsed shit that makes the internet that bit harder to use. Tough fucking shit. They can bleeding well wank over porn like everyone else does.

Jquery is INEFFICIENT, BLOATED and SHIT. I have a zillion better ways to waste my time than sitting there fuming while my browser grinds to a halt churning over yet another cuntarsing slow piss-awkward badly-written website full of unnecessary bollocks that would not have been there ten years ago and the site would have been a fuck sight better for not having it. Better ways, like, say, for instance, clicking the Back button (as soon as the fucking browser manages to dig itself far enough out of the hole to receive the click) and returning to google to find a different, more usable website with similarly useful information on it but without the stupid shit. So just flaming well pack it the fuck in for fuck's sake.

Why in the name of alien duck sex does javascript not have (a) base64 encoding/decoding and (b) an equivalent of PHP's var_dump() built in?

The "accessible" versions of websites - ie. those alternative versions provided by some sites for people who have some sort of disability that makes it hard for them to use websites - are as a rule a vast improvement on the standard versions. Why? Because the major difference is that they don't have all the flashy complicated fucking annoying shit that the standard versions have. There's far less of the fucking useless "form is more important than function" bullshit that comes from so-called "web developers" wanking themselves off over how clever-clever they are, and it's much easier to get at the actual content.

The sad thing is that despite this being a tacit admission that the flashy complicated bullshit makes the site harder to use, the stupid cunts refuse to actually admit that to themselves and persist in making it the default and hiding the "accessible" version away somewhere so it's really hard to find. Just fucking stop it. Nobody gives a fuck about how clever you think you are. Write the "accessible" version only, and then leave it at that. Don't fucking bother writing the bullshit-laden version at all. Go and have a fucking beer instead or something and we'll all be much better off.

The trouble with the palantiri was that Feanor didn't have a bleeding clue about setting up a secure comms network. I am reminded that Tolkien was a signals officer in World War 1 and was no doubt acutely aware of the rather similar disadvantages of the field telephone systems of the time.

I refuse to believe they didn't have crossbows in Middle-earth. They must have done. Surely as soon as any archer does his hand in - which must have happened sooner or later - the idea of using some sort of stick with a catch on it to hold the bow drawn so you can fire it with one hand becomes bleeding obvious, and the formal development of the crossbow from that point is simply the inevitable result of instantiating that idea in a practical form.

So why didn't Tolkien ever write about them? Well for one thing I'd guess there weren't that many of them in use; the Elves were usually pretty good at not maiming themselves, and it seems to have been a place with a rather cunt attitude to those who did manage it, they being more likely to have the piss taken than to receive much sympathy. Those who got maimed were better off, but I don't off the top of my head recall any archers being recorded as suffering such a misfortune, only swordfighters - I am probably wrong but it still probably wasn't that common. It would probably most likely be Orcs who had things like that happen, and Tolkien really tells us very little about Orcs' weapons at all; we know they had curved swords and black-feathered arrows, but that's about it... except that we also know that they were perhaps unexpectedly well-made. For all their uncouthness the Orcs didn't seem to be too shabby at functional metalwork, and they also tended to have mechanically-minded overlords. And then also Tolkien's mention of weapons, when he does go into detail, seems to be driven more by their shininess than their usefulness in combat, so we hear about bright shiny swords and forests of gleaming spear-points rather more than we do about bows, which do not have shiny bits and any associated flamboyance is more to do with the archer than the bow; and with crossbows the awkwardness of drawing them and the slow rate of fire makes them pretty completely inherently lacking in pzazz.

So I guess the answer is that the intersection between crossbows' sphere of existence and Tolkien's sphere of attention was extremely small and he never thought it worth bothering about. A bit like how we know about the dwarves mining jewels and precious metals reasonably clearly, but the distinctly less glamorous activity of mining for coal, although it certainly happened, barely gets a mention.

Russians are cool. I love Russians. Russians are fucking excellent.

Here are some Russians:

What happened to Google downrating websites for duplicate content? That fucking cunt Vance Miller the kitchen spam gangster has been getting his spammers to post messages licking his arse on hundreds of different (name of town)people.co.uk websites. They seem to have been posting about three standard messages which are the same on every site they've hit, but despite this huge number of duplicates Google's results for vance miller show no sign whatsoever of duplicate material being downrated. The fucking piece of shit has done so much of it you've a job to find anything that isn't his shills' lies and Google's failure to eliminate duplicate material does not help a bit.

This has got to be a contender for "most pointless product ever": a candle-powered LED.

Google: TEG is an abbreviation for "thermo-electric generator". TAG is a label thing. They are NOT THE FUCKING SAME and I do NOT want results for one when I'm searching for the other. STOP CHANGING MY SEARCH TERMS.

The Daily Mail website is yet another of those which are SO MUCH FASTER and SO MUCH EASIER TO USE if you disable javascript. How much fucking longer is it going to be before these so-called "web designers" (botchers would be a better word) get it through their neutronium skulls that the purpose of javascript is not to make the box grind at 100% CPU for fucking ages until the person trying to use the website is foaming at the mouth with frustration and annoyance?

That some of the people who are most vocal in whining and bitching about people on benefits being "parasites" are people who are themselves the parasitic recipients of much, much larger amounts of money as a result of "playing the stock market" (aka. playing stupid fairy tale games with stuff that doesn't exist) would be quite amusing if it wasn't such a fine indicator of just how twisted and fucked-up and back-to-front this world is.

Why the fuck do they have to make such a bleeding song and dance about this? Far as I'm concerned the teenager is a lucky, lucky bastard. If I'd had a chance like that when I was a teenager I'd have been up there like a rat up a drainpipe.

Well, talk about a dog's penis.

Such a dodgy day
You made me wet myself
Then I did a bottom belch... and followed through

Oh, it's such a dodgy day
The next thing, I fell down the loo
Then someone flushed the chain
I just kept on hanging on, I just kept on hanging on...

My head is really potty, it's like a baby's botty, I grease it and I oil it, I shove it down the toilet...

Wouldn't it be great if you could configure your arse to produce exploding shits.

It is really shit that things like soap and tea now come in fancy shit packaging which is not recyclable because it is made from films of different materials layered inseparably together, when they used to come in paper and card packaging which was perfectly recyclable and they were none the worse for it. Why the cunting fuck did anyone ever bother to even develop those shite-arsed packaging materials, let alone use them? There was fuck all wrong with the old ones. Indeed the old ones were better, because now you get tea in unrecyclable metallised plastic bags which are either so incredibly bleeding tough that you can't open them without scissors, or are exactly the opposite so when you open them they split all down the side and all the tea spills on the floor. When it used to come in a paper bag inside a cardboard box on the other hand the packaging never gave you any shit at all.

Sainsbury's sell soap at 3 bars for 50p. That they can sell any other soap at all, let alone in the quantities they do, is testament to the utter bleeding stupidity of the human race.

Wayne may be really good at tranquillity, but I fucking well am not.

If your website's fucking search function reports that there are n videos on the site corresponding to a given search term then why the blistered fuck does the list of results only include m entries where m<<n? That is not only fucking useless, it is incredibly fucking annoying and also pointlessly shit.

What the screaming fuck is wrong with people that they want to go on holiday to Las Vegas? I'd rather go on holiday to North Korea, it's less full of shit.

Iran and Afghanistan could very easily make shit loads of money by taking advantage of the fact that they have no copyright laws to provide internet hosting services that cannot be touched by the fucking copyright wankers.

Websites: If you are going to allow Google to crawl your pages and provide direct links to them then for fuck's sake allow access to the fucking pages when the Google links are clicked. Do NOT make the fuckers redirect to your front page. You may think I am going to fight my way through your navigation links to find the page I was actually looking for, but here is some news for you: I FUCKING WELL AM NOT. I will instead return to Google and click on some other link to some other website which provides the same or equivalent information without fucking me about.

Google - what the juddering fuck is the point of providing a "Cached" link which returns a 404? If you don't have the cached page then don't provide the fucking "cached" link in the first place, you infuriating twats.

Annoying prescription side effects: The Random Shits. Wouldn't be so bad if it gave me the shits all the time, since I'd at least know what to expect. It's the way everything can be perfectly normal for a week or two and then suddenly without warning I can be having a piss and find that in the instant of relaxing to let the piss out I have also involuntarily relaxed at the other side and filled my pants with squishy brown blobs in a jus of mucus that is so fucking annoying.

It also brings on a more long-range annoyance at the way the human body has evolved without consideration of clothes and so assumes that if you're in position to have a piss you're automatically in position to have a shit as well so it doesn't matter if the two sphincters are not fully independent. Instead we have the situation where the human body has specifically evolved not to wear clothes and so equips the male variant with what in comparison to other apes is a huge and highly conspicuous penis, whereas the human mind evolves in the other direction such that the most essential item of clothing - as in the item worn even in climates where there is no requirement for extra insulation - is a thing whose function is to hide that penis altogether. Stupid bloody biology.

This is Wayne, my rubber plant. He's really good at tranquillity.

I once lived in a place where there was no carpet in the bathroom and massive gaps between the floorboards, such that you could easily miss the bog and piss through the floor into the wiring inside the back of the kitchen light below.

I have just received a 419 spam which goes on about the SUDAN PEOPLEC LIBERATION MOVEMENT. What are PEOPLEC?

Why is ed(1) no longer installed by default on so many Linux distributions? Why the screaming blistered fuck is ed(1) no longer installed by default on so many Linux distributions? It flaming bloody well ought to be, it's "the standard" text editor and it's a text editor which is always usable no matter what the circumstances, so you never end up fucked because some more complex editor won't work; as long as you can get plain text in and out line-by-line, ed will work, and this makes it fucking brilliant.

If your mobile phone incorporates a GPS receiver, take it apart and rip the fucking thing out. It will spend far more time telling other people where you are than it ever will telling you. If you really do need a machine to tell you where you are then I suppose you are probably too brain-damaged to be able to read this page in the first place, but if you somehow can read it, then make sure that that machine is a standalone GPS unit with no network connectivity whatsoever.

Oh and don't think that turning off the location etc. options in the phone's menus will do any worthwhile good. Those options are a fucking lie. They are not fully honoured by the OS, and third-party apps may not honour them at all. Even if they are all turned off the phone will still send shit loads of nosey parker crap, as can be seen by sniffing its network connection. Indeed, even ripping out the GPS hardware is not by any means a complete solution. What you really have to do is analyse in detail every single piece of software on the fucking phone - both OS and application software - and hack out all the tracking code from it by hand. And then return it to the fucking shitheads who put it in there in the first place by dumping it to half inch mag tape and shoving the spool up their arse. Sideways, for preference, for that "permanent goatse" look.

There ought to be a word for "money" which carries the same overtones of revulsion and disgust as words like "paedophilia". If there was I would use it all the time.

Google can fuck off with this stupid crap of forcing SSL access. I will decide for myself if my search needs to be encrypted. It's not the spooks I'm worried about sniffing my data, it's Google themselves. Google are far less to be trusted than the NSA/MI6/etc because they are collecting the data for commercial purposes, and cunts these days - most especially American cunts - think that absolutely any kind of nasty fucking shit is justified if you're making money off it. Anecdotally, I don't know anyone myself who has ever been inconvenienced by spooks sniffing their data. I do, however, know people who have suffered shit from Google sniffing their data and then releasing it in public in such a way as to fuck them up for no better reason than it suits Google's business model to do that. Fucking wankers. Fuck their fucking business model and their greed and their obsession with money. As long as they make enough money to keep their servers running and their bellies full and a roof over their heads that is all they need and that is all they have any right to do. Fucking around every single person who uses the internet and dropping shit on them from a height purely in order to get more and more and more money which they do not fucking need purely for the sake of doing it is the action of the sort of cunts who deserve to be chained to the wall and force-fed coins until the resulting internal pressure ruptures their abdominal wall.

Browsers ought to provide the facility to intercept all the network traffic they generate and pipe it through a filter process so you can inspect and modify it, especially making sure to include in this data stream all the plaintext going into and coming out of the SSL engine. That latter would be a fuck sight less hassle than pissing about with decrypting MITM proxies. There is so much fucking shite you have to filter out of web pages these days and the browser's own facilities often are not adequate to do the job properly - for example there is no way to run a user javascript before the page is fully parsed, so you can't prevent it from loading static nasties like facebook plugin iframes with a userjs. You can stop the things being rendered, but you can't stop them from loading at all, and merely loading them is enough to provide facebook with a bunch of tracking data which they have no right to have. To block that sort of shit with adequate thoroughness and robustness requires an external filter to delete the iframe tags before the browser itself can see them.

Of course what would be even better would be to fit Mark Zuckerberg and all his cronies with a device that as well as having the failsafe feature of exploding with lethal force if they try to remove it would smack them in the face with a hammer every time the facebook servers receive a request for a plugin until they provide a trivially-verifiable guarantee that no data whatsoever is logged from the request.

Gunge in my right eye is much easier to remove than gunge in my left eye. It is also more copious, and comes out as a nice big thick glutinous yellow-grey-green blob rather than a little wee unimpressive one. This makes de-gunging my right eye a much more satisfying process than de-gunging the left one, and it would be good if the left one would sort its act out and start producing gunge of decent quality.

Do make sure you set the persistent storage quota to 0 in your browser, as well as blocking cookies. It is quite horrifying how many websites want to store quite enormous amounts of crap in there and there is no need for them to store anything at all. Make sure also that you block and delete flash LSOs. And make sure that you poke through the source code of every web page you visit looking for tracking code and block the scripts and servers concerned. Web pages these days tend to have several different independent trackers on them and it is a major arseache making sure they are all blocked. Finally, take particular care to block facebook widgets. The last thing you want is those fuckers recording every fucking site you visit because they don't give a shit what happens to the data or how much embarrassment and hassle their abuse of it causes you.

Why is it that when I write javascript to fuck with the DOM it is fast and responsive, but when facebook or twitter or any other big site does it it is slow as all fuck and makes the page so fucking awkward it is barely usable? All javascript developers should be forced to use machines no faster than, say, a 500MHz Pentium, then perhaps we might see them write stuff that is not a giant clusterfuck.

"Why does my dog eat poop?" asks some random div on the internet. Because it's a DOG, you flaming great dimwit.

The end of the day is twice the height of an aisle.

The Kool Sound My Deejay AX-500 Pro amplifier is NOT a 500W amplifier. It's barely a tenth of that. I have one here with the lid off and the rating on the mains transformer secondary is 40V 1.8A. Therefore the amplifier cannot consume more than 72W without overloading its power supply. Because of the inevitable losses in the circuitry the amount of power it delivers to the speakers will be significantly less; 50W would be optimistic, let alone 500. Basically, Kool Sound are a BUNCH OF FUCKING LIARS who are trying to sell this amplifier by making a completely false claim about its power output and trying to con people into thinking it can put out over ten times as much power as it is really capable of. Skanky fucking shits.

When I first moved in here I didn't have a fridge, so I was desperately looking in the front gardens of every house I walked past to see if someone had thrown one out (note for the ignorant: the two most common reasons why a fridge is thrown away are (a) the thermostat has failed, which is a piece of piss to fix, or (b) the owner is a dick and has just thrown away a perfectly good working fridge out of consumerist idiocy). But nobody had, so in the end I had to buy one, which was cunt. Now if I walk to the shop I pass at least six thrown-out fridges in people's front gardens, which have all appeared in the last couple of months. Why couldn't they have appeared when I needed one? Bastard things.

It is most disappointing that there are no results on Google for Dog Turd Dave and the Dirty Dozen.

CMAKE_VERBOSE_MAKEFILE should be ON by default, and CMAKE_COLOR_MAKEFILE should be OFF. Flaming bloody annoying shite.

urinating dog, urinating dog, urinating dog.

You are not truly affected by the floods unless you have ducks in your living room.

What is it with these cunts writing autoconfigured build systems that go to tremendous lengths to make sure that -lm is not passed as a linker flag when the flaming package NEEDS -lm otherwise you get all sorts of errors about missing symbols which it expects to find in lm? Fucking cunts.

GOOGLE: STOP CHANGING MY FUCKING SEARCH TERMS. I am sick and fucking tired of this pain in the fucking arse misfeature. I search for addon and the stupid cunt changes it to add on which provides totally useless results so I have to click this extra link "Search instead for addon" to get what I want (as the first result, as it happens). Or I search for course and it brings up results for curse as well. It does this shit nearly every time I search for anything and it is fucking infuriating.

The one area where this kind of thing would be useful is in searching for words like "colour" that Americans can't spell. So of course that is the one area where it does not fucking do it. Well, it sort of does, but not reliably or consistently. Only the other day I ended up with a severely restricted set of search results because it didn't include any American misspellings until I specifically searched for them. Fucking load of shit.

This package is really weird to compile. It has just one huge-ass source file which it processes in several passes to produce one object file per numerical type.

It's funny how birdsong is so widely admired when all the lyrics to all the songs are the same, and are birdish for "fuck off".

Web developers: HTTP is a stateless protocol. Suck it up. Stop trying to subvert it. Learn to write stateless code. If you can't make it work like that then don't fucking bother doing it in the first place.

Competition is wasteful both of resources and of effort, and should therefore be discouraged, not promoted. A good start would be to remove the competitive element from schools: get rid of the marking system that ranks kids against each other, stop teaching them to try and be "better" than other kids, and instead teach them only to be better than they were themselves the last time they did the same sort of thing; teach them that it doesn't matter a monkey's toss to "beat" other people (and that those who think it does matter are stupid cunts), but that the true mark of doing something well is to have done it as well as you can of your own abilities, regardless of how well anyone else does it. And in particular, stop making kids participate in competitive sports, which teach nothing but entirely the wrong ideas and are wholly pernicious.

Change sucks. Stasis rules.

Some local news article is bleating on about the "upmarket area of Diglis" being flooded. Diglis is the fucking DOCKS, for fuck's sake. Of course it's bleeding well flooded. Just because some stupid cunt property developer has been enough of a greedy shit to build posh flats there doesn't somehow automatically mean it won't flood any more. Fucksake.

Enid Blyton was unusually subversive for a childrens' author, in that all her policeman characters were wankers (at least, those below the rank of Inspector).

The word "lazy" should not be considered a pejorative; that it is so considered is a fine indication of how fucked up this age is. There is nothing wrong with avoiding unnecessary expenditure of effort. It's just plain common sense, for fuck's sake. It's not being lazy that should be regarded negatively; that on the contrary it is considered praiseworthy to fag yourself out unnecessarily is bleeding stupid.

A related piece of stupidity is the idea that it is better to obtain some good thing by putting a lot of effort in rather than obtaining the same thing without effort. This is of course transparent bullshit. It is plainly evident that (a good thing + a load of shit) is less good than (the same good thing without the shit). That the world is of such a nature that obtaining the good thing usually entails the shit as a matter of inevitability does not mean that the appropriate response is to forgo all logic and brainwash yourself into believing it's better like that. That's just plain mental.

And the whole business is so flaming hypocritical anyway, because if you look at how people actually behave then it contradicts these ridiculous and irrational assertions. People do avoid unnecessary expenditure of effort. That's why they use cars instead of walking or cycling. That's why they use power tools instead of hand tools. That's why they have plumbed-in hot water systems instead of heating water on the stove. And so on. They also do prefer to obtain good things without effort. If you offer someone the choice that either you will give them a Rolls Royce just like that, or you will give them a Rolls Royce if they lug a ton of bricks up a mountain first, then they will choose to be given it just like that; no fucker would choose to have to lug bricks up a mountain first. If people really believed the stupid crap described in the preceding two paragraphs then they would choose lugging bricks up mountains, and there would be no such things as cars or power tools or hot water systems or any other of the myriad of devices that exist to make life easier.

It really does get fucking wearing having to share a planet with so many fucking stupid people.

I hate to say this but... Terry Pratchett's Raising Steam is fucking shite. Please, Terry, quit while you are ahead. It would be notably horrible to have the Discworld series tail off into a record of its author's mental degeneration.

"Here you can see the stands of Worcestershire County Cricket Club surrounded by water", says the caption to a photo on the BBC website. That is NOT NEWS. It happens every fucking winter. Because the cricket ground is on the flood plain right next to the river. It's entirely fucking normal for it to flood.

The same photo shows that the bridge is not flooded (see previous item) and does not fucking need to be bloody closed. Yes, New Road is under water, but not very deep underwater, and indeed there is even a bus driving along it. So could anyone else drive along it unless they were a complete and utter fucking spastic who has no idea how to drive through water and is therefore too much of an incompetent div to be allowed a driving licence in the first place. Yes, too, the fucking one way system in Tybridge Street and Dolday is all underwater, but it would be perfectly easy to temporarily un-one-way New Road and Bridge Street until the water goes down. Oh, no, that would be too fucking simple, better just block the whole fucking thing off and fuck everyone around making them go miles out of their way to use the bridge on the A4440. Yep, we actually have photographic evidence of that piece of disruption at least being due entirely to the modern tendency to stupid panicky overreaction and fuck all to do with any real justification. Cunts.

It is really pissing me off to see the current bad weather being used to perpetuate the stupid but fashionable shite idea that the one-quarter-of-one-percent contribution that human activities make to the level of so-called "greenhouse gases" is itself entirely responsible for the whole thing, as if the four hundred times as much of it which exists naturally was somehow less influential than the tiny little bit humans produce.

The biggest cause of disruption is not the bad weather itself, but the increasingly nesh human response to it. Stupid fucking health and safety bollocks being used to "justify" ever more panic-stricken and drastic over-reactions, closing shit down completely when in more sensible times people would have carried on using it until it genuinely was unusable as opposed to being deemed unusable by some clueless fucking panicky twat in a suit. Trying to force people to evacuate from their homes when they themselves don't see the need - after all they are the ones best placed to determine whether there is a real need, not some cunt in an office miles away, and if they haven't decided to go of their own accord that is obviously a more valid attitude than that of some wimpy-arsed shithead who isn't there but still thinks he knows better than the people who are there. The bridge in Worcester is "closed due to flooding" not because the flooding is worse than it has been in the past, but because it is fashionable these days to pretend that every fucking little thing is cause for a massive pointless unjustified freakout; it is that attitude which is worse than it has been in the past, and it is that attitude which is responsible for the greatly increased levels of disruption.

The sooner we get rid of this fucking stupid legal system according to which every tiny little bad thing is somehow somebody's "fault", and as a result no matter what it is that has happened some cunt can sue someone irrelevant for it, the fucking better. Shit happens. Most of it is not anyone's "fault" at all. Having a legal system which refuses to acknowledge this obvious fact and instead not only promotes the opposite, false, view but encourages people to exploit that falsehood for financial gain is pure fucking stupid cuntery and it is high time they put a stop to it.

Why the pissarsing dog's cunt doesn't Google take its "snippets" (the summary bits it shows on results pages) from the same versions of the webpages as it has in its cache? For instance, to take this page as an example, the "snippet" is showing stuff that I only put up yesterday, but the cached version is 12 days old. It obviously has cached yesterday's version in order to be able to generate the "snippet", so why the pissing fuck don't you get that same version off the "cached" link?

This shit is a flaming arseache when searching for stuff that is to be found on frequently-changing websites. Fair enough when the interesting bits promised by the "snippet" have disappeared off the live page; it's annoying, but at least it makes sense. But when those interesting bits are not on the cached version of the page either, it does not make sense, and it is a cunting shitwank pain in the fucking arse.

"Judge" ought to be spelt JUJ.

How do you pronounce "Henear Krxern"?

ON THE SHEEP! ON THE SHEEP!!! ... On the rubber sheep!

The Ozric Tentacles ought to do a Tolkien-themed song entitled "The Hours of Toot".

There is a big white van outside my window. I am thinking how cool it would be if a balloon with a big fuck-off electromagnet came along and landed on it and then blew itself up more and took off with the van attached.

From one of Tolkien's draft versions of "Lord of the Rings": Frodo toils up Mountain to find Crack. Aha! So that's what gave the little bugger so much motivation...

Where is the evidence for the oft-repeated assertion that Weathertop is the Herefordshire Beacon? It's a great idea, for sure. I imagined the view from Weathertop as the view from the Malverns when I first read the book, before I knew anything about Tolkien himself. Now that I know that he was indeed well acquainted with the Malverns to view the Herefordshire Beacon as Weathertop becomes irresistible. But did Tolkien ever actually say that's where he got the idea from? Lots of people seem to have had the same thought, but it always seems to be based on the same sort of "It fits and Tolkien knew the area therefore it must be so" dodgy reasoning as my own version of the thought, never on Tolkien actually having said it himself. It would be great to know if he ever did say it.

Why did nobody ever think to use ranged weapons against Balrogs? Surely an Elvish archer would only take a couple of seconds to put an arrow in each of its eyes while it was still a long way off.

I hate pholcids. They are shit spiders. All silly long thin legs and a really ugly weird-shaped body. And they eat proper spiders, too, as if the poor buggers didn't have enough of a problem with the cat; but the cat ignores pholcids and does not eat them, because she is a shit cat.

Stevie Nicks's voice is absolutely fucking gorgeous.

Hexdump in PHP:

foreach (str_word_count(chunk_split(chunk_split(chunk_split(bin2hex($binary), 2, ' '), 24, ' '), 50), 1, ' 0123456789') as $n => $r) printf("%03x0 %s\n", $n, $r);

I wish they would put the winter Olympics on in the same year as the summer ones, then at least we would have a reasonable length of break from that particular instance of some massively tedious piece of shit getting inescapably saturated media coverage for months on end until I want to scream, puke and shit all at the same time.

Spammers should be put in the stocks and forced to read their own spam out loud for as many repetitions as they have sent spam emails.

New EU cookie laws are fucking shite. What have they achieved? Nothing but massive annoyance by inducing websites to hide their content behind stupid banners bleating about cookies. Cookies which I block by default anyway. Only you can't get the stupid banners to fuck off unless you allow cookies. Which is amazingly fucking shit.

A useful law about cookies would be one that makes websites operate in a less cuntish fashion, not a more cuntish one. It would ban websites from making core functionality unavailable without cookies for anonymous users, and it would require them to give a clear and explicit error message if something fails due to blocked cookies which specifies exactly what data from what cookie it is expecting to see (so that it is easy to accept just that one cookie awhile refusing all others, and similarly easy to delete the fucking thing afterwards).

The only valid reason to require cookies to be allowed is to store login information. To require cookies for anything else is to be a giant fucking shit. There is not the slightest reason why I shouldn't be able to look up train times statelessly. Or read some random page which shows up in a google search and is supposed to be accessible to non-logged-in users. Or use one of those shitty contact form things that too many sites provide instead of a proper email address. None of those functions require any state to be held... unless, of course, they have been programmed by a complete fucking idiot who self-evidently hasn't got a fucking clue.

And it is incredibly fucking annoying when the fucking contact form fails silently in the absence of cookies, or even worse, returns a "thanks for your message" page even though it hasn't actually sent the fucking message. For fuck's own bloody sake. What fucking state does it want? To usefully submit a contact form requires two, and only two, pieces of data: the message body and the sender's email address. It requires two, and only two, HTTP requests: a GET request for the page to display the form and a POST to submit it. Really, it doesn't even need the GET request if you already know the form parameters (eg. from a previous visit). There isn't even the opportunity to create any meaningful state, let alone require it. But the fucking websites are written by giant fucking morons who ought to have their wages docked for doing such a hopelessly shite job, only that doesn't happen because the people paying the wages are too thick and ignorant to see how shite it is.

If the EU want to do something useful then they can fucking well legislate that websites not requiring logins must flaming well accept that HTTP is a stateless protocol and suck it up and work statelessly. But they too are giant fucking morons who are too thick and ignorant to have a clue about what they're doing and ought to be deposed on the grounds of being inherently devoid of competence at their supposed jobs...

Why is it that every single time I try to use a printer there is some kind of fucking problem with it? Printers are a bastard. Printers have always been a bastard for as long as I can remember, irrespective of type of printer, type of connection, type of computer, OS being used, etc. etc. etc. There is obviously some particular species of printer gremlin that instantly adapts to any new printer-related technology that comes along and makes sure it is shit.

Cows belch about 600 litres of methane per day. The dragon legend originated as a result of someone thinking it would be cool to fit them with pilot lights.

Steve Lipson should have left well alone after mixing the LP version of "A Secret Wish". The CD version is definitely not an improvement.

I always find it hard to remember that Lucknow is in India and not in Poland.

Lenin was a horrible little shit.

Supermarkets should be legally compelled to put all their goods that have gone past the "best before" date on display at the front of the shop for people to take what they want for free. For every item that they put in a skip instead, they should be fined £100.

A website knobend writes: "Prior to 1982, it wouldn't surprise me if Roger Waters had never heard of the Falkland Islands." Yes, he is indeed an American knobend. You can tell, can't you.

Dear Mrs. Atkins

It is with regret that I write to inform you of the death of your son T. Atkins who was killed in action on 17th inst.

You will of course appreciate that as a result of this your patriotic duty to supply the British Army with personnel is no longer considered to be fulfilled, and I must accordingly ask you to send by return any other sons which you may discover by a diligent search of your household effects.

(Signed) D. HAIG F.M.
Commander-in-Chief
British Armies in France

To Roger Waters: Please blow your nose. Thank you.

Every rock album since the mid-80s suffers from the same fucking problem: CDs are too long.

Albums used to have to be no more than 40-odd minutes long in order to fit on an LP. Sure, every band used to moan all the time about having to cut bits out to make it all fit. But that was a good thing. It meant that the bands had to ruthlessly trim out everything that was even a little bit shit, and what remained was 40 minutes of solid good material.

But a CD is not far short of twice as long, so they are no longer forced to get rid of all the shit bits. Worse, they seem to have this compulsion to fill up the entire available space, which they do by putting more shit bits in. Effectively, with CDs every album is a double album, and even those bands who are widely rated as the greatest of the great simply don't have the gumption to produce that amount of solid quality music on every album. Ironically, those bands who are less affected by this problem are the ones who were mediocre in the first place - the ones who churned out music-by-numbers stuff that all sounded the same anyway.

Out of those albums in my collection which were originally released before CDs happened, there are hardly any on which I feel the need to set the CD player to skip tracks. But out of those which were released after CDs - mostly still by the same bands, too - there are hardly any on which I don't set the CD player to skip tracks.

Come on, guys. Sort it out. Quality beats quantity, now just as much as then.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can commit him to a lifetime of buying fishing tackle off you.

I have just been reading someone's collection of musings on his website and one thing that caught my attention was this:

"As a thirteen-year-old kid... The world seemed cruel and boring, and I'm not sure which was worse. Because I didn't fit into this world, I thought that something must be wrong with me."

I've seen plenty of similar things written by different people and it has always seemed a weird way of looking at it. "The world is shite, therefore it must be my fault"??? Bollocks. The world is shite, therefore it is its own fault. I didn't make it, and it would be just as shite if I wasn't here to experience its shiteness.

It is flaming bloody obvious, too, why it is shite. It's shite because there are so bleeding many utterly fucking stupid people in it. How is that my fault? I didn't make them stupid. Nor is it my fault that they continue to be stupid. It's easier to level a fucking mountain range than it is to get people to abandon their determination to hold on to irrational behaviour at all costs, or indeed to even get them to consider that there is anything irrational about their behaviour at all. "Everyone does that", they say, as if ubiquitousness somehow implied rationality, and thereby neatly demonstrating that they haven't got a fucking clue; further discussion with anyone who considers "everyone does it" to be a justification for anything is without exception a waste of time.

If you think the world is shit, it is because the world is shit. It is shit because it is full of divs and fuckwits. If you consider it unreasonable to find a world full of divs and fuckwits to be shit, you are yourself a div and a fuckwit and are making your own problem worse. Blame the cause, not the effect, for fuck's sake.

People are, as a rule, incapable of differentiating between wealth and masturbation.

Nobody would consider putting a great big guy armed with a flamethrower and a little skinny guy armed with nothing at all in a cage together and letting them fight it out to be a reasonable method of reconciling their diametrically-opposed interests. It is even less reasonable when you allow the big guy to cheat by uttering magical incantations like producer-consumer relationship in a free market capitalist economy which have the effect of causing the little guy to pour petrol over himself and suck the big guy's cock.

There is a certain trend for people to use "replicas" of the One Ring (complete with inscription) as wedding rings. It would be interesting to know whether the set of people who do this includes a statistically significant excess of evolutionary biologists.

You can get more energy out of a lump of coal by fissioning its trace uranium content than you can by burning it.

Is a Rennie body... Owtdare?
Is a Rennie body... Indare?

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