À Propos de Rien

Random thoughts that aren't worth a page to themselves (2)

"Lack of jobs" means that all the work that needs to be done is already being done, and efforts to invent work that does not need to be done have failed. Therefore it is a good thing.

Eh now there's nice. PHOTONS. Lots and lots of photons. Fluorescent fittings rock.

For some reason all kinds of unrelated people at widely varying levels of competence seem to be prone to the same mistake - writing "Something or other." Said Someone. instead of "Something or other", said Someone. What is this? Is it yet another piece of shit introduced by some stupid fucking autocorrect feature which would be more accurately named as a random error-injection feature? Why the pissing fuck do these things even exist and why the festering dog diarrhoea do people not TURN THE FUCKERS OFF?

"Why didn't the Brits wake up to there being a class struggle?" Because we don't know what one is. At the most it is "something to do with Bolsheviks" and since we are not Bolsheviks it doesn't mean anything to us.

Here is a picture of a duck.

A duck

"Sex education" is not something I was ever made to experience (though I cannot remember a time when I did not know the mechanics of it anyway); the closest we ever got was a thoroughly revolting slideshow about VD. For the entire duration of which the girl sat next to me was pressing her leg against mine. Er. There is a time and a place, dear.

Wikipedia on high explosive shells: "because some fragments went in all directions it was a hazard to assaulting troops.[citation needed]" - I am tempted to cite Sorp, Rick and "Honk" Ian Smethwick, Encyclopedia of the Bleeding Obvious.

Wicca: Bollocks pseudo-religion made up by dickheads who think it makes them somehow cool and rebellious to invent a big pile of irrational nonsense. The more they try and make out it's "serious" the bigger dickheads they look.

There are not enough results on Google for eshtions or groomoliuh.

"Hey, you're not a golf girl!"

"No, Neil. I'm your fairy godmother. And I'm going to shop you to the police, you dirty little bastard."

The British Rail Class 142 "Pacer" DMU. Bonk, bonk bonk, bonk.

BR Class 142 animated gif

A spam offers me "the latest on Katie Price's divorce". What is it with rich slags insisting on marrying and divorcing all the time instead of just shagging and splitting up like everyone else does?

"Many see Strong AI as an unachievable myth, because the brain is mysterious, and so much more than the sum of its individual components. They claim that the brain operates using unknown, possibly unintelligible quantum mechanical processes, and any effort to reach or even surpass it using mechanical machines is pure fantasy." - Yeah, what is it with these divots and their utter refusal to let go of this "life force" idea, this mystical crap of taking those bits of biology we don't understand and trying to make out that we never can understand them? Advances in scientific knowledge have pushed it further and further into smaller and smaller corners as the bits we don't understand get fewer and fewer; you'd have thought people would get the message by now and stop trying to assert religious answers to scientific questions, but then they are just as moronically persistent in trying to assert scientific answers to religious questions, and stupidity is such a defining human trait...

The Teutonic Knights were a bunch of mad horse buggerers who were into coca leaves.

Proof that pholcids are fucking shit spiders: there are lots of them around and there are also lots of flies and there are NO dead flies trapped in pholcid webs at all.

Chile is really really long and thin and one side of it is so high that it feels like it all is.

There are various different kinds of ions, such as anions, cations, zwitterions, unions and sealions.

Supermarkets are stupid, because they always used to have a big pile of the boxes that stuff came in for you to put your shopping in to take it home, but now they don't do that any more and instead give you plastic bags while trying to persuade you not to use them. Moronic cunts.

Croatia is like India with corvids.

It is a great shame that support for multibyte character encodings became widespread before sufficient time had elapsed for shitugly typographers' masturbatory bullshit abortions like "em dashes" and curly quotes to die out and vanish.

"Frankly, that was bloody awful, and I don't think you were really trying." Oh, I was trying. I was trying to do it as badly as I possibly could to make sure I wasn't selected for the team. The year before I had been selected, and it had required considerable effort and defiance to get myself kicked out. Wasn't going to have that crap again.

When Johnny comes marching home again (atchoo, atchoo)
He'll have to wear welly-boots if it rains (atchoo, atchoo)
'Cause he's bound to catch cold if his feet get wet
And we haven't a doctor or even a vet
And we can't have him catching his death of cold when he's only just come home.

"Down" and "Low" are both words which can mean "hill", which is kind of stupid. So is "fell", but that one is the result of clumsy people walking up it.

Washington DC could be described as a place inhabited by poor black guys who kill people for being on the same street and rich white guys who kill people for being on the same world.

...New Orleans, which is right down in the south and is full of dog shit.

Flies would be vastly less annoying if only the little shits would learn to fly in a fucking straight line.

Wikipedia has an awful lot of photos of women with dirty fingernails holding their cunts open.

Lady Godiva did her famous naked horse-riding thing mainly so she could watch her own boobs bouncing.

Lady Godiva on horseback, watching her tits bounce.

A SECRET AGENT?!?!? On whose side?

Selectable-yield nuclear weapons on their low settings are really shit. All that stuff just to go fut. Just light a fart already.

"CONS: Requires water for heatsink action. Not sure where to buy it." - Why not just turn the fucking tap on you flaming great dimwit?

Food is expensive. Food is TOO fucking expensive. I should not have to pay more than a quid for a decent-sized meal unless I am buying it from a takeaway. Trying to find meals that do not violate this criterion is much too fucking difficult.

Any legal or moral system which both condones alcohol and condemns cannabis is so hypocritically irrational as to be worthless.

All gun ownership (outside military and police) should be banned. No fucker needs one and no fucker who has one can be trusted not to discharge it at living targets.

FUCKSAKE NEXT DOOR TURN THAT FUCKING NOISE OFF. It isn't even fucking music. It sounds like a three-year-old has got hold of a drum machine. And it is FUCKING LOUD and it has been going on ALL FUCKING AFTERNOON and it is giving me a FUCKING HEADACHE. Is five fucking hours of it REALLY not enough for you to realise how FUCKING SHIT it is?

Max Clifford is a festering turd bag. Eight years is not enough. I'm bloody sure there's a whole lot more in the same vein that just hasn't come out yet.

When I was a kid I went down some steps into a hole in the ground, like the steps into a subway only without the subway. When I got to the bottom, two little girls appeared behind the railing around the hole up at the top.

"You're dedenged", said one of them.

"You're stedenged", said the other.

I can still remember this because I still do not have the foggiest fucking clue what they meant.

OTC painkillers suck donkeys' balls. It is a total cunt. To get anything strong enough to actually do more than next to nothing you have to see a doctor first, and by the time you've got the appointment you're either better or dead. This is shit.

"Hey! There's a guy oop thur (I don't really sound like a Northener trying to sound American, do I?)"

"So-and-so is a stronger force than gravity". Yeah, right. Now try and find something that isn't.

I can never visit Philadelphia without being reminded of the story of the tits.

Wails as cole mines and also a prince of wails.

The US Navy has a lot of shit going down at a place called GNAW FUCK VIRGIN EAR.

Harry Potter, dirty rotter, wiped his bottom on his blotter. When he went to blot the ink it left a skidmark and a stink.

"The wiseguy Irish private in Saving Private Ryan is from Brooklyn." So he isn't fucking Irish, then, is he. He's American. If he is from an American place he is American. To be Irish he would have to come from somewhere in Ireland. Fucksake.

"Only 1 Reason Why You're Not Losing Belly Fat", says the subject line of a spam. Yes. A very simple reason, too. I don't have any to lose. So ner.

It's a pity the terrorists didn't destroy the actual World Trade Organisation itself instead of just the buildings it was in.

Rain in films is shit. Yes, I know real rain doesn't show up in photos - heck, it doesn't really show up when you're looking at it; it's the drops hitting the windows or making ripples in puddles that tell you if it's raining and if so how hard. But this is exactly why film rain is so shit, because it looks so unreal. As is the way any character who goes out in it instantly becomes absolutely drenched, as if they had fallen in a lake, when real rain takes quite some time to get you that wet if it manages it at all. It's so flaming bloody obvious that there's someone stood just out of shot with a hosepipe that it's completely shit and it's high time they stopped doing it.

Fucksake, Google Glass is now being offered as a competition prize. I hope that EVERY SINGLE PERSON who wins them has them ripped off their face and stamped on in public.

Who is this dick? "...the esteemed Alton Brown suggests (in his pea episode) that the real reason kids don't eat their veggies is because the parents overcook them into inedible mush". ARSE. Boiling vegetables into mush makes them MORE palatable, not less. It destroys the texture, which is usually the foulest thing about them, and is usually quite good at getting rid of the unpleasant taste too. Giant stinking dog turds to this modern trend of deliberately undercooking them so they are hard and crunchy and many times more blech. Fuck knows why that's caught on. It is of course something that has always been possible to do, but people didn't do it because the result is unpleasant. Yet suddenly it becomes "trendy" and in the usual manner of human stupidity that counts for more than making stuff taste half decent. What a fucking species.

Here's an interesting definition pulled off some website or other: classic cars (classic = 20+ years old at time of production). How the fuck do you do that then?

"Deplorable Cultus" is a little-known album by British Oxygen Company.

Ah! Dot is moch bettair.

Brat On Board sign in car window

Things I Ask On The Internet: What's that music out of the old Strongbow advert called where there is a mobile phone going "Dee dee deet deet dee ELLOW! Dee deet deet dee ELLOW! Dee deet deet..." and then it gets shot? The reason I want to know is that until I saw that advert I thought I had made that tune up myself, but now I realise it must be something I had heard when I was little and totally forgot about apart from the actual tune, and I would like to work out where I might have heard it.

More shit propaganda: "take exercise take exercise take exercise..." FUCK OFF. Exercise is shit. It's fucking boring and it makes you sweaty and knackered. If it's supposed to be so amazingly good for you then why the fuck don't they just DEVELOP A DRUG THAT HAS THE SAME EFFECTS AS EXERCISE? Answer: because it goes against this pervasive and cunt idea of "do unpleasant things because they're good for you because we can't have people having good things without making them undergo a compensating amount of shit". Well that idea can go and fuck itself, and the sooner the better.

If it hadn't been for Stalin and Beria the Soviet Union would have had nuclear bombs a lot sooner than they actually did. Pair of stupid cunts.

Things People Ask On The Internet: Whats that clown/circus music called that goes..."doot doot doodoodoodoot doot doo doo"?

"Most boys don't habitually steal and mutilate their sisters' toys." Really? I certainly did. Especially the doll she had that you could turn its head completely inside out.

"Right bank, left bank". "Rive droite, rive gauche". Etc. Only it depends which way you're fucking facing, so it's fucking useless. Cunt.

"This geological feature played a decisive role in the development of coal mining in the Ruhr." What geological feature was that, then? Answer: there was coal there. Fucksake.

AT FUCKING LAST!!! Someone other than me saying "fuck vegetables, eat vitamin pills". If only more people would realise this. I am sick of all this fucking "eat vegetables" propaganda which totally ignores the existence of vitamin pills. Vitamin pills are a fuck sight easier, a fuck sight cheaper and a fuck sight less unpleasant. Going on and on about "eat vegetables" while blindly ignoring the fact that they taste bloody vile is a pointless waste of time and it's high time they packed it in.

Even people who can still walk and talk can still be clinically brain-dead. Expressing a fear of retirement or unemployment due to anticipated "boredom" is as clear an indication as a flat-line EEG readout.

James Joyce "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" is another book which is shite. Literally half of it - from the quarter point to the three-quarter point - is about him sitting in a church listening to this endless extreme-blood-and-hellfire sermon going on and on and on, which starts off being horrifying but quickly becomes just depressing and then plain tedious and boring - while you still have most of it to read. No doubt some clever arse will try to claim that's the whole point but if so there are far better ways of making it than rendering half the book nearly unreadable. And the other bits of the book are just nothing much happening at all so they are boring too. Flann O'Brien is far better at conveying what it was like to live in that time and place.

WTF is it with people idolising Jack Vance? I have read "The Eyes of the Overworld" and the principal conclusion I draw from the experience is that it's not going to be worth bothering about anything else he's written. It is shite. Seems to me his most notable achievement is inventing the title "Servants of the Wankh" and then throwing a wobbly when everyone laughed at it.

Torrent uploader C4H8Cl2S - I don't suppose you'll ever read this, but if you do, you will be happy to know that I, at least, do get it.

We have joy, we have fun, flicking bogies at the sun, when the sun gets too hot all the bogies turn to snot.

"Click tracking can be good for end users" - BULL SHIT. It does precisely FUCK ALL for end users. Fucksake why can't people stop coming out with such monstrously stupid fucking shit.

Vladimir Putin is OFFICIALLY harder than Chuck Norris.

Nick Griffin is a cunt.

Nick Griffin

Sylvia Plath on picking her nose: "As for minute joys: as I was saying: do you realize the illicit sensuous delight I get from picking my nose? I always have, ever since I was a child – there are so many subtle variations of sensation. A delicate, pointed-nailed fifth finger can catch under dry scabs and flakes of mucus in the nostril and draw them out to be looked at, crumbled between fingers, and flicked to the floor in minute crusts. Or a heavier, more determined forefinger can reach up and smear down-and-out the soft, resilient, elastic greenish-yellow smallish blobs of mucus, roll them round and jelly-like between thumb and forefinger, and spread them on the under surface of a desk or chair where they will harden into organic crusts. How many desks and chairs have I thus secretively befouled since childhood? Or sometimes there will be blood mingled with the mucus in dry brown scabs, or bright sudden wet red on the finger that scraped too rudely the nasal membranes. God, what a sexual satisfaction! It is absorbing to look with new sudden eyes on the old worn habits: to see a sudden luxurious and pestilential "snot green sea", and shiver with the shock of recognition."

Apparently compost flies are called "fungus gnats", because compost is not fungus and flies are not gnats.

ARSE CAT, n. A cat who is a total arse. Like my cat.

Oh, I went to the toilet
Yes, I went to the loo
I did a number one, and
I did a number two.
They splashed into the water
And then I flushed the chain
And sent them down the sewer pipe
Ne'er to be seen again.

Copper loss: when a policeman can't find his way out of the transformer windings.
Core loss: when he can't find the remains of the apple he was eating either.

This is excellent. A whole great viaduct and tower just so you can have a shit in the river. I hope it fell straight down so you could see how big a splash it made.

A Dansker - a special tower for shitting in the river with.

It's difficult to see when you're driving trains in the Arctic.

Pouring apple juice, wondering why it is taking so long for the level to rise. Then realising that I am not pouring it into my cup, but into my teapot.

This is a drawing of a compost fly, with labels.

A Compost Fly (Compost flies are shit)

Cthulhu vs. My Cat: no contest.

"About 1,000 hunters of Pallas's cats are in Mongolia, with a mean estimated harvest of two cats per year." That's an average of 0.002 cats per hunter per year. You'd have thought they'd have given up by now.

I hope this strange lump in my snot is not the remains of a compost fly which I inhaled earlier without realising it.

Fucking bollocks, walk all the way up to the post office and it's fucking shut. Fucking bank holiday shit. Well I didn't fucking know did I?

But your mildewed earwig had to drench her.

AMERICANS: "NUDITY" does NOT apply when all there is to see is tits. If there is no visible minge it doesn't count.

It would be FUCKING GREAT if a trend was to spring up for ripping the "Google Glass" off anyone wearing it and stamping the bastard thing into tiny little bits.

"Download our graphics at no charge", says a spam. Why would I even be interested in that when all I have to do is go to Google images?

...And now it's in my beard as well. Fucksake.

Also, the Rustler's sauce? That is only identified by the words "Rustler's" and "Sauce"? When I was a kid I saw a blob of stuff on the road that looked like that. I thought it was the result of the yellow lines making machine leaking. So I trod in it. It turned out to be the result of a dog's arse leaking. Now it's in my burgers...

That cheese you get in Rustler's burgers is something else. Something other than cheese.


I have just seen a bloke throwing shitloads of bicycles into the back of a truck.

People with fat arses are lucky. They do not need cushions. Me, on the other hand, I don't have an arse at all. It ran away when I was ill 7 years ago and it still hasn't come back. All I have now is the hole where the shit comes out and pressure sores where my bones stick out. I do have a cushion, but it doesn't work.

That thing where you forget to take your washing out of the washing machine so it all goes musty and you have to do it again and then forget to take it out so it all goes musty and you have to do it again and...


What it actually means: "CDs are longer than LPs. We have an inexplicable compulsion to fill up this extra space, so we have picked a random selection of material that was never released originally because it was shit and tacked it on the end. We don't care about it being shit just so long as it fills the space. Oh, and while we were at it we thought we'd fuck up all the other tracks that were not shit in the first place by making all the quiet bits just as loud as the loud bits, so now they are shit as well and give you a headache listening to them."

Hey! It's OK to smash up shit that doesn't work. Even Jesus did it.

Forum quote: "I fucking HATE the way TV/films are now. Really fucking hate. You can't get everything in one place so it's this fucking shit halfway house where you dip into everything and it's bollocks." Actually, you can get everything in one place and it's dead easy. The one place is Google and the dead easy method is to include the word "torrent" in your search terms.

Great Puzzles of Life: Why is a tree or other vertical object a requirement for al fresco pissing?

Fuck on a stick, this cartoon has an American character asking who JR Ewing was.

Instead of endlessly banging on and on about whether or not gay marriage should be allowed... just disallow all marriage. It's not fair for any variant of stupidity to be subject to a statutory prohibition that only applies to gay people.

"If it exists, someone collects it." "If it exists, there is porn of it." Think of the recursion.

Flicking little men around in pursuit of a little ball on a green cloth under the buzzard.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Talking on a mobile phone
And all the people chewing without eating
And all the things that had a parrot's feet in
And the wings of the parrots are nailed to the subway wall
Next to their balls
I hear the sound... of squawking

John Lackland has just lost his spam account in the wash.

Fuck me, there is a school in the north to teach you how to ride lizards.

For some reason it is remarkably satisfying to feel that my eye is getting gungy, run my finger along my lower eyelid and pull out a big thick yellow gooey lump of gunk. Yum.

"There's more wisdom in Umya than I realized", says this website. Well, I don't know what he means by it, but when I was at school "Um-Ya" was a phrase equivalent to "Itchy chin". It's kind of sad to think that the author of the website has apparently got to the age of 30 or so and has only just realised that it is wise not to believe people.

So this fucking stupid website called "browser-update.org" has been set up to bitch at people to update their browsers. They say that "outdated" browsers are "blocking the advancement of the web". THAT IS A GOOD THING YOU STUPID CUNTS. So FUCK OFF.

When I was at school, on the last day of term I used to write a story in Latin about mad things happening on the last day of term. Fortunately I only did two or three of them before I realised how utterly shite they were.

The Atari 400 and 800 were never popular in the UK. Because they were fucking expensive and fucking shite.

Hey, er, guys... Wrong dog. Try this Wink

Arion Games "Chav" figure reworked with the correct breed of dog

I remember reading Jaws when I was about 8 and wondering what a "sonno fabbitch" was (that was how I thought it was pronounced; it was written "sonofabitch"). Fucksake you arseholes of editors, have you never heard of spaces? It is four separate fucking words, not one. Son of a bitch. Is it really so fucking hard to hit the space bar three times?

People call benefit claimants "scroungers" for the same reason that any other argument degenerates into abuse.

That "spelling checkers" are considered a standard feature on bleeding everything these days is a fine demonstration of just how many people take being a moronic incompetent shit to unbelievable new levels. Fucksake if you are more than 10 years old and still need a spelling checker then either you are formally dyslexic or (as is far more likely) you would be doing the world a favour by jumping off a cliff, since there is no cure for such mindless stupidity. (A "cliff" is a vertical rock face some tens or hundreds of feet high.)

So there are "awareness groups" for SIDS? In case you didn't know, SIDS stands for the posh words for "sometimes normal babies randomly turn into dead ones and nobody knows why it just happens like". It's not something you really need an awareness campaign for. Most people can work out if a baby is dead or not all on their own without any help.

For those people who do need help, check out this picture:

A dead baby, yesterday

If your baby looks like that, it is probably dead. If you are still not sure, type dead baby into Google images and you will find thousands more pictures like that. With all that material to learn from you will soon figure it out even if you are really, really stupid.

English is brilliant. Having the word "shite" as well as "shit" opens the door to subtle nuances of profanity such as Americans can never dream of.

Moronic German porn enthusiasts: if there is nigh on a pint of it and it is cloudy yellow she is not "squirting", she is having a piss. Fucksake it's so obvious you can almost smell it.

What stupid arse invented "May Day bank holiday"? They must have been a right cock. I preferred it before we had it. I mean what sort of a fucking stupid time to have a bank holiday is that? Right after Easter? Everything gets fucked up because of stuff shutting down for Easter and then it fucks up again shutting down for May Day before it's even got properly unfucked. Why the cunting fuck didn't they put their new bank holiday in the middle of July so it breaks up the long gap between Whitsun and the one at the end of August? It'd make much more sense to have it then, plus it would have the extra advantage of not pandering to the fuckwits who think dirty-minded primitives winding strips of cloth round a giant penis hundreds of years ago is something that has any place or relevance now. Fucksake in case you hadn't noticed we have got internet porn now with real penises and it's available every day and there are much more weird things in it than winding cloth round them if that's what you're into.

They ought to genetically engineer VD bugs to concentrate environmental radioisotopes so you can test yourself for VD with a geiger counter applied to your bits instead of having to visit embarrassing clinics. It would be really useful to be able to buy geiger counters for £10 in Boots instead of having to fight with the pile of shite that is ebay to get them for twenty times that.

You know what would be really fun with a time machine would be to take modern American teenagers who try and pretend they are Japanese back in time 70 years and put them in the army.

"Learn how to protect your cloud data", says the subject line of a spam. That's easy. Don't fucking have any. Not that it matters much because only a fucking moron would have any in the first place.

It's great that stupid things people have written in answer to exam questions find their way onto the internet. But can we have some new ones please? "There is an elephant in the way" and "Find x - Here it is" and "Expand (a+b)n" are all really old now and I refuse to believe that in the years since they were discovered and put on the net there haven't been a shitload more such things created that are just waiting to be published. Especially since people now are probably making a point of deliberately submitting comical responses to questions they don't know how to answer in the hope that their response will find internet fame. Surely some of them must be funny enough to post even if 99.9% of them are shite. Come on, exam markers, you are slacking. Get those fucking scanners out and give the funny exam answer websites some new material.

STUPID SHIT: Renaming "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" to "Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles" for British TV because the word "ninja" was too violent. EVEN STUPIDER SHIT: the way every single other thing connected with said turtles still used "ninja".

The simplest way to tell if something was made in a sweatshop is to take it apart and look for the dried-up drops of sweat inside it. Duh.


Change is bad. Change for the sake of change is utterly fucking shit.

A chastity belt is a knobstacle.

That chocolate shit that you put on ice cream and it freezes hard... it would probably taste better if it was just plain shit shit.

It is remarkable how much food is a total and utter fucking rip-off unless it is on a half price offer.

Whoever wrote that fucking wordpress plugin that puts a scrolling slideshow at the top of the page needs his fucking keyboard shoved so far up his fucking arse that he can't even chew gum without it going qz qz qz qz qz.

97% of men admit to masturbating. 2.999% are liars, and 0.001% have no dick.

Those dinky little inch-long miniature pine cones make ideal Sybian attachments for cats.

"Segue" is pronounced "seg-yoo" and no fucker is going to tell me different.

SWEETCORN IS NOT FOOD. If it was it wouldn't come out the other end in exactly the same condition as it went in.

"You need to upgrade your Flash Player." Bollocks. YOU need to upgrade your fucking website so it DOESN'T NEED a flash player. Fucksake all it's fucking doing is showing a bunch of photographs. You can do that in static HTML. You can do that better in static HTML. Stop being such a bunch of twats.

I always have trouble remembering that Walworth is an actual real place and not a place made up for East Enders.

What do you call a small parrot that protects things? A budgeriguard.
What do you call a small parrot that likes it up the arse? A buggerygar.
What do you call a small parrot that protects things against up-the-arse? A buggeryguard.

"Not suitable for children", says the label on this plastic storage tub. I dunno. I reckon you could get two or even three in there if they were small enough. Once they've decayed a bit and mushed into a more space-filling configuration you might even be able to squash a fourth one in.

Daisy, Daisy, give me your tits to chew
I'm half crazy, my balls are going blue
I can't afford a Durex, a plastic bag will do
But you'll look sweet upon the sheet with me on top of you.

"The issuesconcerns that will shape the way the EU develops in the coming years - the need to tackle climate change, enhance energy security, co-operate in the fight against crime and terrorism, manage migration, respond to the rise of China's economic power and stand up to Russia - are of huge interest to British people. Only the most crazed of eurosceptics could argue that Britain can deal effectively with those challenges on its own." - Balls. They are all matters to which one or both of "the EU will only make it worse" and "it's not worth bothering about anyway" apply.

"Tackling climate change" can get to fuck. It's got fuck all to do with human activity and the so-called "science" is a political fuckup and no more trustworthy than any other instance of political bollocks. The whole point of it is to keep the "banding together in the face of a common enemy" bogey alive after the collapse of the Soviet Union. "They wanna have a war to keep us on our knees", but if they can't have an actual war they can still make up some arse and manipulate the scientific establishment into providing supporting arse. So fuck that one.

"Enhancing energy security" is important but the fucking EU is no use; all our involvement in the EU has done is make it easier for our energy companies to be sold off to foreign outfits so we have less control and security, not more. Is the EU going to turn round and make them give it all back? Not bleeding likely.

"Co-operating in the fight against crime and terrorism" can also get to fuck. This terrorism shit is another fucking artificial bogey set up to stimulate the tribal loyalty mental reflex. Fucksake can't people remember when we had proper terrorists from the IRA who were actually good at it and yet there wasn't half the fuss and kerfuffle that there is over the current shower of shit who are so fucking clueless that they try and terrorise an airport in Glasgow and then act all surprised when random blokes start kicking them in the balls? TATP? I bet the IRA's technical bods were pissing themselves over that one. As for "co-operating in the fight against crime", again we don't need the fucking EU for that, we got it sorted 90 fucking years ago before there even was a fucking EU.

"Manage migration" - for fuck's sake, the EU is the whole reason it's not "managed". Their fucking fault for un-managing it in the first place. Regardless of whether it should be managed, the EU is only ever going to make sure it won't be. So arseholes to that one.

"Respond to the rise of China's economic power" - Well that only exists at all because people in other countries are inexplicably addicted to buying cheap shit off them and then buying more cheap shit when the previous lot breaks down after 6 months. Is the EU going to stop people doing business with China? Oh, no, it's trade, we've got to have trade because it's a magic word and economists like to wank over it. Fucksake. If all the people who don't like China having "economic power" stopped doing business with them they wouldn't bleeding have any. Make your frigging minds up you stupid cunts, you can't have it both ways.

"Stand up to Russia" - Oh here we fucking go again. Create another fucking external conflict to strengthen internal unity. Fuck off for fuck's sake. As if it isn't enough to be doing all we can to stir up conflict with Muslim nations with all this terrorism bullshit and this arsery of writing laws that criminalise anything that looks even a tiny bit as if it's within a hundred miles of racism and then not applying them when it's Muslims that are the target. What the fuck is it with these cunts? Russia stops being the big bad enemy when the Soviet Union collapses and becomes a wreck instead. Then as soon as it stops being a wreck the automatic reaction is to go oh sod us actually getting on with them for a change after the best part of a fucking century, we'll just start the same shit off all over again. For fuck's own bloody sake put your fucking cock away and stop fucking waving it at everyone before that nice man in Moscow gives it a nuclear burn, and if he does it'll be him that gets my sympathy and you that gets my "you were asking for it you thick cunts".

And finally, "are of huge interest to British people" - Arse. The only one that attracts any interest is "managing migration" and that only from Nazi cunts like the BNP who are fascist fuckwits so they don't count. The rest are of minor, zero, or negative interest to everyone apart from windbags of one hue or another whose boring shite nobody listens to anyway, and thick twats who never say anything that makes any kind of sense. The whole thing is arse.

Fucksake. Eight pages of blather and waffle and the closest they get to acknowledging any genuine reason why British people don't like the EU is to say that small businesses see it as a source of red tape. Centre for European Reform. Centre for head in the sand and tongue up arse more like. Piss off.

"They are rather like homosexual ministers who, until the 1990s, had to keep quiet about their sexual orientation for fear of the media reaction." Why not just keep quiet about your sexual orientation anyway? No matter what it is. What the fuck has it got to do with, er, well with bleeding anything to do with anyone you're not actually fucking? Whether you're homo, hetero, only attracted to thalidomide dwarfs or whatever, it's got fuck all to do with anything outside your bedroom so what the fuck is the compulsion to tell everyone about it? Fed up with this crap of making bleeding everything have some connection with sex no matter how irrelevant it is. Just shut the fuck up about it and start using the brain in your head instead of the one in your pants.

"Why is Britain eurosceptic?" asks the title of this PDF. Then in the third sentence of the last paragraph it says "The British have a good record of implementing EU directives and of respecting the decisions of the European Court of Justice, while a supposedly pro-EU country such as France has a poor record on those counts." The other seven pages are redundant. There is the reason right there: we repeatedly knuckle under to these unelected foreign bastards and allow them to subvert our national self-determination with their stupid pain in the arse bullshit that makes our lives more difficult, whereas if the French don't like some piece of EU shit they just tell them to get to fuck. Hence British dislike both of the cunts in Brussels and also of the spineless cunts in Westminster who do their bidding. Simple. Fucksake.

Bad Karma. In a Metal Mine. Bad Karma in a Metal Mine. Bad karma in a metal mine, a metal mine, Neil, Bad Karma in a Metal Mine!

I dyde shyte thre grete toordes.

My cat thinks the picture in the previous post is great. She's just jumped on me to look at it more closely.

PEACHES GELDOF'S KILLER ARRESTED: Exclusive Photo! Here is a picture of a police officer arresting the dog that killed Peaches Geldof and putting it in a little doggie prison they made specially for the purpose. It's obviously a very dangerous dog because you don't need thick bars like that to contain an ordinary dog, you just chuck it in the boot. It's so dangerous they have to have a prison for it in the car because they can't rely on handcuffs to keep it restrained while they get it down the nick. It's probably a relative of Cerberus or something.

Police arrest Peaches Geldof's killer

SKEGNESS... IS SO CUNT! Apologies for Daily Wail link.

They have taken down a statue of the Jolly Fisherman with his arms outstretched (as in the classic poster) and replaced it with one with his arms not outstretched. Some stupid-arse wanker from the council said: "People would try to clamber all over it and if someone fell off or if one of the statue’s arms broke, then we would be the ones to take the blame and that is too big a risk."

LISTEN YOU STUPID BASTARD. If someone climbs on ANYTHING and falls off it is THEIR fault. THEY would be the ones to take the blame. And especially if they break the arms off in the process, you can do them for criminal damage then. Fuck's SAKE. WHY are people so FLAMING STUPID?

Also from the article: "And to complete their health and safety vigilance, the council has removed the Jolly Fisherman’s pipe, for fear it would encourage smoking." More sheer bleeding stupidity. "Encourage smoking" my arse. Of course it bleeding wouldn't. And even if it did, so fucking what? If people want to smoke then fucking let them. I'm sick to the fucking bollocks of official shitheads taking the same attitude to anything connected with smoking as Hitler took to anything connected with Jews. There's nothing wrong with Jews and there's nothing wrong with smoking. Jews like being Jews and people who smoke like smoking. So just FUCK OFF the whole bloody lot of you, Skegness council and Hitler and all the fucking rest.

I get nearly as much crap in my email from lists I signed up to for some reason I can no longer remember and can't be arsed to unsubscribe from as I do actual spam.

The knights of Dol Amroth occasionally used to say "Ni!" when they thought no-one was looking.

Emma Watson is not "really hot". She looks like a rat. All this "Emma Watson is really hot" shite is just the pathetic shits who watched Harry Potter to accrue wanking material and found she was the only one even vaguely wankable-over making a big song and dance about wanking over her now to conceal the enthusiasm they had for wanking over her when she was 12 so they don't have to admit to themselves that they are paedos. Same shit as the tabloids' "countdown to Charlotte Church's 16th birthday" from a few years before. Fucksake if you want someone to wank over there are fucking millions of proper porny women on the internet with their cunts out and everything; watching a children's movie where you know all the cast are going to be underage in search of wanking material is just fucking stupid. Unless you really are a paedo of course.

If someone throws a spear at you what you do is step to one side, then pick it up and throw it back again while they are too busy going "shit, it didn't work" to step aside themselves.

VERY STUPID SPAMMERS sending me stock market tips without realising that I think there shouldn't even be a stock market.

It is interesting to note that the Italian Fascists didn't have a problem with Jews until Hitler said "you can't play with us unless you stop playing with Jews".

OCR errors: getting "l" for "t" really pisses me off.

Chapter 4 - Mushrooms.lnk

Javascript can be useful on occasion... Here I have a document which consists of 800 HTML files, converted from a PDF. The formatting is fucked to the wide, in lots of different ways, so I have written a javascript to reformat the pages on the fly and sort them out. It is around 200 lines long, which is as good a demonstration as any that sorting the pages in the conventional way with a text editor would be a giant dog's arse. It is also very fast, because it was me that wrote it and not some thick cunt who works for facebook or twitter, so it is essentially a transparent fix. Somewhat inelegant? Perhaps... but I can also make it export the corrected HTML once I have proof-read it, to create a static document that does not need active reformatting on the fly - ie. what the original conversion from the PDF should have produced if it had been accurate. So there we go.

If you know what's good for you... We're the Lembasbix. OK?

"Introducing Chromecast. Stream video, music & more to your TV. For £30." Or I could just plug the fucking TV into the TV-out connector of my graphics card with the cable that came with it that I have never used. For nothing.

Fuck off.

Do Middle-earth washing machines live longer with Ancalagon?

If Jonathan Ross was a Nazgul he would be able to fly without the need for a pterodactyl thing.

NOTE: If your "music" sounds like a three-year-old has got hold of an instrument and is fucking about with it then that is NOT FUCKING MUSIC.

Apparently Mark Cocksuckerberg has got 28 BILLION dollars, according to wikipedia. In other words he has got enough money to pay the hosting costs on facebook for fucking centuries. He does not need to put adverts on it or make it into a data mining tool to sell people's personal data to advertising cunts. So what the fuck does he keep on doing it for? What the fuck is wrong with the cunt that he insists on trying to get even more fucking money when he already has more money than a small country? Fucksake you moronic greedy shit just give it a fucking rest already.

"Smoking when pregnant harms your baby", says the propaganda on my tobacco packet. If I was pregnant I think the health of the baby would be the least of my worries.

The Daily Mail really loves publishing pictures of tits. Here are some pictures of tits I copied off just one page of their website. There were more than this, but I got bored. They publish more tits than Nuts or the Daily Sport.

Daily Mail tits (1) Daily Mail tits (2) Daily Mail tits (3) Daily Mail tits (4) Daily Mail tits (5) Daily Mail tits (6) Daily Mail tits (7) Daily Mail tits (8) Daily Mail tits (9) Daily Mail tits (10) Daily Mail tits (11) Daily Mail tits (12) Daily Mail tits (13) Daily Mail tits (14) Daily Mail tits (15) Daily Mail tits (16) Daily Mail tits (17) Daily Mail tits (18) Daily Mail tits (19) Daily Mail tits (20) Daily Mail tits (21) Daily Mail tits (22) Daily Mail tits (23) Daily Mail tits (24) Daily Mail tits (25)

Gondor is an anagram of Drongo.

It is a great shame that there are not Ordnance Survey 1:25000 maps of Middle-earth.

Stil Haus Kitchens and their fucking spam can get to fuck. Vance Miller is a cunt.

Remember December, colds and influenza,
Fever and sneezing and snot.
Escaping the wheezing is quite a good reason
For buzzing on billy a lot.

Stuff People Wear To Bed:

"L" fish do everything better than normal fish and are better looking and live for ever.

Gruesome School Memories: games teachers walking round all day wearing tracksuit bottoms which despite their bagginess nevertheless displayed a conspicuous cock bulge.

Deaficate: to render someone incapable of hearing by packing their ear canals with shit.

The equine species evolved in Scandinavia; they were a kind of boring light brown colour.

"But it's natural!!!" is NOT a valid rebuttal to criticism of the grossness of breast-feeding in public. Since when did being "natural" offer any kind of guarantee against grossness? Shit, snot, vomit, earwax, pus, scabs, putrefying corpses, gonorrheal discharge, necrotising fasciitis... all natural, and all undeniably gross. Come to that, harbouring an enormous endoparasite for months on end while it grows to a weight of several pounds and then extruding it with extreme painfulness through a hole between your legs in a welter of blood and fluid like Alien with a different exit route is both natural and unbelievably fucking gross. And squirting white goo out of the end of your cock into the interior of someone else's body may be highly enjoyable but that doesn't make it any the less gross. On the other hand, there are fuck loads of things like Republicans and the Selfridges building in Birmingham and paint fumes and Apple and gulags and drug laws and flamethrowers as weapons and Max Clifford and London which are horrible and nasty and unpleasant and so on... but are not gross, because they are not natural.

"Gross" is a subset of "natural"; the gross-out phenomenon evolved as a self-preservation mechanism to guard against poisoning by things which might appear good to eat, or might be suggested as being good to eat by the example of tougher-stomached species like dogs eating them, if they did not evoke an instinctive and powerful revulsion, and then became generalised to things which resemble the "intended" triggers, such as the sight of some creature eating slime that oozes out of some other creature's body regardless of whether the slime really is an infectious purulent discharge or just oozes out like one. Things which are not natural may evoke other forms of dislike but do not sufficiently resemble the "intended triggers" to evoke the gross-out reaction. Being natural does not in any way imply that something can't be gross; it's the other way round, being natural is a necessary condition so that something can be gross.

Everything babies do is gross because they are not capable of doing anything other than performing basic biological functions which are gross. All biological functions are gross apart from breathing and not even that when you have a cold and snot bubbles and gurgles in your respiratory tract with every breath. Eating is gross, hence the development of formalisms like "table manners" ("don't eat with your mouth open" etc) to minimise the grossness. If someone decided to consume their food by putting their face into their plate and slurping it up by suction of their lips and dribbling it everywhere in the process, there would be no argument but that it is extremely gross. It is no less gross when a baby does it from a bottle, and it is much more gross when it does it from a tit.

To argue that the baby's lack of ability to do it any other way somehow makes it not gross is a particularly perverse piece of stupidity. "It is only possible to do it in a gross way therefore it is not gross"? Wot? Nor is it any argument to whine that the baby has no control over whether or not it happens in public. The mother bleeding well does. And no, just because the baby decides it wants feeding does not mean you have to do it right that instant there on the spot. It can perfectly well bleeding wait five minutes while you go and find somewhere private to do it. Take it into the fucking toilet or something - and don't moan that it's "not hygienic", unless you suffer from an uncontrollable compulsion to rub your tits on the po or something. Same as if you were changing its nappy. (And if you're one of those people who are foul enough to do that in public as well then it's probably better that you don't bring the fucking baby out in public at all.)

Breast-feeding in public is just the same as cock-sucking in public. The only difference is that the participants in the cock-sucking do not do the stupid self-righteous twat act getting their knickers in a massive twist over other people objecting to the sight of someone consuming someone else's bodily fluids in public.

There are three main kinds of toilet monster. There is the shy one that mostly just hides in the pipe and sieves the turds out of the water as they come past, so you rarely even know it's there. There is the more greedy variant that is too impatient for that and sticks its head out of the water to catch the fresh turds as they fall, or in extreme cases even sucks them right out of your arse; if you find that you are never a recipient of Neptune's kiss then you probably have one of these. And then there is the one that isn't content with just eating your shit, but grabs your arse and hauls you down into the pipe so it can eat you. This is the most scary one of the lot, and all the more so since it usually then constructs a robot replica of you to conceal its presence and make sure its future food supply is not discouraged from using that toilet by tales of mysterious disappearances. If someone goes for a shit and seems to take bleeding forever doing it and then finally emerges slightly damp and smelly, then this is probably what's happened to them, and your best bet is to invite one of those people who get in the news for being so fat they can't stand up unassisted to use that toilet in the hope that the toilet monster will choke on them.

What do marshmallows actually taste like? I have never eaten one and they look distinctly unappetising. But it strikes me that it could be lucrative to make them cheaply simply by bleaching cat turds, as long as the taste isn't too far off.

Cat turds Marshmallows Electronically bleached cat turds

You may think I talk about shit a lot (as well as talking a lot of shit), but there are plenty of people who talk about it a lot more. I have just found a blog which is all about shits that the writer has found lying around the place in New York. With photos, like this.

A wild shit, found roaming the streets of New York

When Eskimos do not have any snow and ice to build their igloos out of they build them out of husky shit. Each husky has an Eskimo following it around with a cylinder of insulating material split lengthwise, waiting for it to shit. When it does, they carefully catch the turd in the insulation and take it over to the Eskimos building the igloo, who quickly squish it into place in the wall while it is still warm and then let it freeze solid so it binds itself into the structure. The English translation of the Eskimo word for a ready-to-use husky shit in its insulating container is, literally, "hot dog", and that is the origin of the term for a hot sausage in a bun.

Control: a lump of bread with a hole for a penis in it.

Johnny 5 originally had a "brother" robot, Denny 4, but he caught fire after his televisual systems malfunctioned.

Given the tremendous number and variety of medics' tales concerning people who have shoved bizarre things up their arses and subsequently required medical assistance to remove them, I think it is most remiss of archaeologists and palaeontologists not to take more care over recording foreign bodies found around the pelvic region of skeletons they excavate. It would shed a great deal of light on human evolution to know how far back this tendency arose. Did, for example, the upright posture and the opposable thumb arise as adaptations to make it easier to shove things up your arse, or to facilitate getting them out again? The scientific community is significantly poorer for the lack of any information on this matter, and so I think it would be helpful to issue a reminder to those involved with the excavation of ancient skeletons: do not dismiss objects found around the pelvic region as being unrelated debris from the burial process on the grounds of "nah, he couldn't possibly have shoved that up his arse"; if he had anything at all in common with modern humans he very possibly did.

"I sing of arms and the man..." said Virgil.

"I sing of legs and the woman", responded Catullus. "And of cocks in the arse and the cunt of a mule and the bloke who cut his own tackle off and lots more rude stuff besides. Pedicabo ego te et irrumabo, Virge."

I am farting mercaptans.

"Why didn't they just get the Eagles to airlift Frodo into Mordor...?" Well, they did. And they made an arrangement of a bunch of large copper and iron plates in vats of seawater, connected them all together and melted the Ring with an electric arc (which is of course much, much hotter than the lava of Mount Doom, let alone the fire of Ancalagon the Black). And they built a nuclear reactor (which is easy on Arda as it is a cosmologically much younger world than ours and so has a much higher percentage of 235U remaining undecayed which means you can get away with just chucking a load of rich uranium ore in water and it'll go) and bombarded the Ring with neutrons until it had all been transmuted into mercury and evaporated. And they developed an FTL drive and fired it off into a black hole at sufficient distance that it was destroyed before it had ever been created and everything that Sauron had ever done turned out never to have happened. Of course they did. It's just that the universe Tolkien chose to write about was the one where Frodo and Sam took it to Mount Doom and Gollum fell in with it. Most of the others are kind of dull if you're not a physicist.

See the original: Putin's speech to the Kremlin about Crimea (18-03-2014). The Western media's criticism of this is so riddled with hypocrisy it's barely believable; they seem totally oblivious to the response blatantly begged by all their criticisms: "what about name of event in which the West did exactly the same things they're having a go at Putin for only on a much larger scale?"

A fine example of human stupidity is the notion that "trial by jury" is all brilliant an' fantastic an' great an' that. Is it fuck. The very idea of it is utterly terrifying.

An article on the BBC website says (in rather more words) that Western politicians don't understand Putin because they expect him to be as full of shit as they are themselves and can't get their heads round him actually not being like that. They expect his speeches to be as much of a load of bollocks as their own are and then get all surprised when he actually does what he said he was going to do. Yes, indeed. That is one reason why I don't like Western politicians but I do like Putin.

Later on the article quotes Putin as saying "Our Western partners, led by the United States of America, prefer not to be guided by international law in their practical policies, but by the rule of the gun. They have come to believe in their exclusivity and exceptionalism, that they can decide the destinies of the world, that only they can ever be right." FUCKIN' WELL SAID MATE.

Shame that the writer of the article himself is guilty of the same kind of attitude, with paragraphs like "The idea of Russia being separate from but equal to the West is convenient, since it allows the Kremlin to reject Western criticism of its elections, its court cases, its foreign policy, as biased and irrelevant." For fuck's sake. It IS "biased and irrelevant" because it is based on exactly that shit idea that "only [the West] can ever be right" that Putin (and I) find so objectionable. Did this author ever bother to actually look back over what he had written? Because it doesn't fucking look like it.

The article also quotes Putin as saying "We have every reason to assume that the infamous policy of containment, conducted in the 18th, 19th and 20th Centuries, continues today. They are constantly trying to sweep us into a corner because we have an independent position". Again, fucking spot on. Russia's "independent position" is a significant obstacle to the West's "exclusivity and exceptionalism" and insistence on being the only ones to "decide the destinies of the world". It is plain that the West is shit scared of Russia regaining its influence because that influence is "a threat to Western interests" (as the Western politicians would put it), or more accurately, a counter to Western arrogance which the egos of Western politicians can't handle. Only the West won't say it, but Putin does, and then he does something about it - and since that badly needs doing, good luck to him.

There is also a quote from some tit about how Putin's success depends on the price of oil remaining high and since this is not under Russia's control he will be fucked eventually. This neatly demonstrates how the West is so full of shit that they even believe it themselves. Russia has vast fossil fuel reserves which so far it has not made all that much use of. The West, on the other hand, is dependent on the fossil fuel reserves of the Middle East, which (a) have been exploited to a far greater extent and (b) are under the control of people who don't like the West all that much because we've spent the last hundred years fucking them around out of a desire to increase our own control over those reserves - that Western arrogance again. And what is going to happen is that that arrogance and belief in one's own shit - specifically, the wilful refusal to acknowledge or address the problem of "peak oil" - is going to bite the West in the arse. Since we are so willing to give in to our indigenous loud-mouthed-but-clueless brigade instead of telling them to fuck off because their opinions are based on ignorance and therefore aren't worth listening to, and have accordingly spent the last 30 years not building the nuclear power stations and reprocessing infrastructure that we bloody well should have done, we are going to end up forced to pay the high prices demanded by a Middle East which is just as happy to sell its dwindling reserves to places like India and China instead - whether we pay the Middle East or Russia, we will still be paying the high price which this tit thinks Putin won't be able to get. Putin, on the other hand, has his head screwed on right and does not engage in the moronic "peak oil won't happen or doesn't matter anyway" self-deception that the West is so mired in; he deserves success for that reason alone, and he's going to have it.

"If you compress the spring all the way to its limit, it will snap back hard. You must always remember this", says Putin as quoted in the article. Of course the West will not listen, because refusal to acknowledge that fact has been a major feature of Western policy for fuck knows how long, but that doesn't make Putin any less right.

(Link to the article in question)

We had several books at school with "SBS" on the spine. It stood for "Scholastic Book Services" but we preferred to take it as standing for "Shit, Bum, Shit".

If this paranoid tin-foil-hat bullshit about people thinking they are suffering "harmful effects" from wireless networks and mobile phone transmitters was true then everyone who has lived in Sutton Coldfield since 1949 would be fucked. And they are not. So piss off and stop yammering bullshit about what you know nothing about you mindlessly moronic cunts.

"Why Does this Site Require Cookies? This site uses cookies to improve performance by remembering that you are logged in when you go from page to page. To provide access without cookies would require the site to create a new session for every page you visit, which slows the system down to an unacceptable level." - Yes but I'm NOT FUCKING LOGGING IN AM I you CUNTS. So just let me see it and stop redirecting me to this stupid page with irrelevant shit excuses. And learn how to write a fucking website. Fucking shitheads.

"No human cancer of any type has ever been seen as a result of exposure to natural or depleted uranium." Interesting. I guess the chemical toxicity gets you first.

Remember at school when there would often be a kid who was a bit of a tit and wanted to do something to be more popular, so he would recount, in a long-winded and incoherent manner, with a big grin on his face and stumbling over his words in his eagerness, a tediously verbose and generally shit joke, and then laugh at it and wonder why nobody joined in? That is what the humour in Shakespeare reminds me of. Maybe that should stand as a warning to all playwrights: do not put jokes in your plays because no matter how funny they seem now, in 400 years' time people will just give each other funny looks and go "was that a joke? It was pathetic". After all if Shakespeare couldn't do it there's not much hope for anyone else.

GAH why does my ciggie taste of armpits? Note to self: do not scratch pits before rolling cig.

America is not all bad, I guess. Very handy place, certainly, if you want to buy hydrofluoric acid in the hardware store.

Internet quote of the day: "I think it's the icy breath of death - or un-death. It is the wraithworld's essence manifesting itelf in the real world. It is cold and bitter and terrifying, a bit like a Britney Spears record. It is the opposite of (and is detrimental to) the life-force within living beings."

Stalin wanted to shoot himself once but he couldn't do it because everyone was too scared to bring him a gun. Finally someone did bring him one. He shot that guy for bringing a weapon into his presence and then he shot all the others for disobeying him and then he ran out of ammo. After that anyone he asked for a gun just shot themselves straight off to save trouble.

It is said that a lot of people die of heart attacks on the bog because having a heart attack makes you feel like you need a shit. That isn't quite right. A lot of people die of heart attacks on the bog when the toilet monster growls under their arse so close they can feel its breath.

The raven they meet in The Hobbit is Roac son of Carc. His brother was a vehicle accident and his name was Rash.

It's always weird reading about some Italian whose name is Andrea and having to keep reminding myself that it's a bloke.

Shakespeare, you are an arsehole. Your shitty puns on the theme of "nothing" = "cunt" have forever fucked up the word "nothing" for use in any context where its replacement with "cunt" would turn a negative into a positive. And they're not even funny.

The symbol "&" is called "Ampersand" because André-Marie Ampère had weird handwriting and every time he wrote "et" that's what it came out like.

Harry Potter is a rotter
Seamus is a dog
Elvis Presley met his Maker
Sitting on the bog.

(Presley was on the bog, that is.)

Some of my least favourite fictional characters are those who not only eat budgies but cut their feet off afterwards.

For some reason it really gets on my tits having to put "&" instead of "&" when writing HTML.

Any web page on which Americans post political comments is fine evidence for why the rest of the world should deny America any influence outside their own borders.


If ordinary people want to do just ONE good thing to leave the planet in a better state than they found it, they can. The best thing any ordinary person can do in their life towards that end is also a very simple and very easy thing: DON'T HAVE KIDS.

The expression "cashing in one's chips" is a total failure as far as I'm concerned because "chips" are square-section sticks cut from a potato and deep-fried, and you don't "cash them in", you eat them. Of course I have an intellectual awareness of the reference to casino procedures but not an intuitive one, because that particular form of mindless stupidity was illegal in Britain until recently and still is not widespread, whereas chip shops are all over the place. Furthermore the image of the casino as a place where leaving it is equivalent to death is all arse about face; the casino is more appropriate as an image of where condemned souls go after death.

"Steward" as an exalted rank, someone standing in for an absent king, always seems incongruous to me. It sounds more like it should refer to someone whose expertise is in making stew.

I have just received a spam from some bunch offering their services to fuck up photos in photoshop. FUCK OFF. The amount of effort I have spent over the years UNDOING that sort of shit and restoring the photos to their original unfucked condition is immense; why the PISSING FUCK would I EVER want to PAY someone to do stuff I have spent so much effort trying to UNDO? Bunch of cunts.

"People on benefits should be made to work for them" - What a load of TOTAL ARSE. "People on benefits" should be taken as evidence that the system of inventing useless work is coming to the end of the road as its capacity for such invention runs out, and the appropriate response is to take that to heart and hasten its demise, NOT fucking try and prop it up by inventing even uselesser work just for the fucking sake of it.

Putin is apparently some kind of were-dolphin. I had not realised this.

Vladimir Putin is a dolphin

Back to Pigeon's Nest

Be kind to pigeons

Valid HTML 4.01!

<-- shit
shit -->