À Propos de Rien

Random thoughts that aren't worth a page to themselves (3)

When Johnny comes marching home again (taboo, taboo)
He'll have to wear welly-boots if it rains (taboo, taboo)
'Cause he's bound to catch cold if his feet get wet
And we haven't a doctor or even a vet
And we can't have him catching his death of cold when he's only just come home.

Pedicabo ego te et irrumabo, malum

Kim Kardashian's arse is truly of the nature of a gas giant.

There is a package called "rejava" or "rej" which looked as if it might be useful for helping me find my way around the tangled nightmare that is anything written in Java. So I downloaded it and tried to get it going... which straightaway brought me into conflict with the fucking mess of Java before it even got its window up.

It moans that it can't find tools.jar in the class path and so won't have debugging facilities. It warns in the FAQ that you might have to set $CLASSPATH to fix this. Fine. Well, it's not fine, since the standard Java installation ought to have taken care of that, but at least it's simple. Find the file and then add its directory to $CLASSPATH... Fuck, it doesn't work. Try the other method from the FAQ - specifying the path on the command line every time - Still doesn't work, and their example command is wrong to boot. Try as many different ways as I can think of to chop and change the path in case it's this or that that it's being fussy about. Fucking nothing works.

Hit up Google to see if anyone has posted a solution online. Answer: no. Eh? How the fuck can that be? Well, there are LOTS of results relating to lots of different Java things that don't work for the same reason where people say you have to set $CLASSPATH to fix it. But there are NO fucking results in which anyone actually provides an EXAMPLE of a $CLASSPATH that WORKS so that I could compare it with all the futile possibilities I have already tried and work out what's wrong. Which gives me the very strong suspicion that actually NOBODY knows how to do it and they're all just parroting "set $CLASSPATH" like a bunch of fucking stuck records.

FWIW I suspect it's something to do with the utterly fucking stupid as shit bollocks that afflicts so many Java tools which insist on trying to pretend you're in Java when in fact you're in the shell. Like say for instance trying to use javap to decompile a class file, which doesn't fucking work no matter what you do until you finally hit Google in frustration and find that you have to leave ".class" off the end of the fucking filename just so javap can stick it back on again. Yes, maybe that is how you'd refer to it from within a Java program, but we're not in a fucking Java program, are we; we're on the bash command line, and absolutely every single other fucking program that takes filenames on the command line requires that you type them in in full without missing bits off the end otherwise it won't work, so there is no fucking reason at all why I should ever happen upon the correct solution on my own. Why would I try something which is so bloody obviously WRONG? Why would I expect the correct solution to do anything other than fail with a "no such file or directory" error? Fucking stupid cunterybollockism.

I have under some circumstance or other - a long time ago, and since I am usually pretty successful at avoiding Java I can't remember where - come across some similarly fucking stupid behaviour with some tool or other required you to specify the location of a class file using NOT its fucking path in the filesystem like everything else does, but the Java program's internal class hierarchy and notation. Fuck knows how you were supposed to tell it where the root was. Fuck knows what you were supposed to do when you didn't bleeding have the source at all because the whole point of the exercise was to reverse-engineer it. Basically unless you had a complete clone of the original developer's build tree this tool was completely fucking useless, which is probably another reason why I can't remember what it was.

Anyway, I guessed that something similarly stupid was probably the problem here and since that sort of arsebrained cuntery makes me want to scream and kill people I decided to do without the debugging facilities and just see how useful the rest of it was. OK, here's the file selector dialogue to open the .jar file. OK, well it's in this directory. Double click on the folder icon to open that directory. FUCK. Of course this is the fucking shite Java X toolkit which surprise surprise doesn't fucking work. Double-clicking on the folder doesn't open the fucking thing, it just displays its name in an editable text area so I can rename it. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Who writes this shit? Is there anyone who, when trying to open a file, is going to decide it's a good idea to rename the directory it's in while they're at it? No of course there bloody isn't. So why is it even possible, let alone done in such a way that the behaviour you do want doesn't fucking work?

So after far too much pissing around I did finally manage to get it to open the .jar file. So then what? So then it complains that it's not a valid .jar file. Which is complete bullshit seeing as how I didn't write it and there are like millions of people running it without anything bitching that it's not valid. Fucking stupid fucking piece of fucking shit.

So I deleted rej.

Cracked.com (again) calling Donald Trump a twat for "making climate change a political issue". Oh fuck off. He may well be a twat - he is a Republican, after all, and it is doubtful whether Republicans are even human - but the whole fucking anthropogenic climate change thing IS a political construct. The whole fucking thing is made up and supported by the political establishment. That is how, for instance, it can get away with having a whole bunch of emails leaked that are full of stuff like instructions on how to fudge the results to get the answer they want. If it was real science that would create the mother and father of all kerfuffles. Since it's political bullshit fake science, it gets forgotten about instead. What a load of arse.

Western media propaganda up to its usual shit... "Nor can he (Putin) retreat from the idea that the West is a rival bent on Russia's destruction", blah, blah, blah, says this article. It is trying to make out that the reason he can't is because he is too entangled in a web of falsehoods of his own making. But the real reason he can't is that it's fucking true - as the article itself demonstrates. The whole thrust of the article is "Putin is a cunt, let's fuck him up". Its third paragraph says "The world needs to face the danger Mr Putin poses. If it does not stand up to him today, worse will follow" - and that comes before the first quote I quoted. It could well be said that they are insulting their readers' intelligence in hoping they won't notice, but I fear that they are preaching to the converted anyway.

Yeah, yeah, it's the Economist, it's "respectable". Is it fuck. One phrase alone gives it away - it says that "Russian hackers" changed a Wikipedia entry. Which is pure sensationalist bollocks and also a further confirmation that they consider their audience to be such dimwits as not to know that any fucker can change a Wikipedia entry and you don't even need to register. Fucksake it's easier than posting a comment on Youtube and we all know what kind of mononeuronal morons do that. It then goes on to laugh at the dumbness of the action without any thought for the fact that it's being even dumber itself.

It even has the nerve to cite "the days of the Soviet Union when Pravda claimed to tell the truth". As if Western media isn't just as much of a load of fucking arse. As if the whole fucking article isn't itself a bunch of Soviet-Pravda-esque propaganda just aimed in the other direction. As if there isn't a whole fuck load of the same sort of shite in Western media all the fucking time. Fucking load of shit.

There's always some bugger who blinks at the wrong moment.

Kim Jong Un bites.

Why does cracked.com deliberately try and make it difficult to work out what the photos they use actually mean?

For instance, on this page they have a paragraph that reads: Have you ever known anyone who thought they were awesome at something when, in reality, they sucked very, very badly? Even when all their friends told them they sucked? And their mother told them they sucked? You've got the guy at the office who still insists he could play in the NFL, the shrieking girl on karaoke night who is sure she could sing professionally if she chose to...

They then follow that paragraph with this picture:

Presumably that is to make some joke about that bloke being famously incompetent. Only thing is, it doesn't work. Because I don't have a fucking clue who the fuck he is. And the stupid cunts who run the site have made it impossible for me to find out. The image filename is the wonderfully informative "21181.jpg". The img tag has no "alt" attribute, in violation of internet standards which exist to alleviate this very problem. And the fuckers have even stripped the metadata from the photo so I can't get any clues from that. Badly, too. They have corrupted the file in doing it...

$ exif 21181.jpg Corrupt data The data provided does not follow the specification. ExifLoader: The data supplied does not seem to contain EXIF data.

Listen, you stupid bastards. It may well be the case that Hiram J. Cocksucker III is well known for being an incompetent arsehole, and it is quite possible that I am aware of that myself. But the reason I might be aware of it is from having happened across posts on twitter and forums and shit that say "Hiram J. Cocksucker III is an incompetent arsehole". That is text, fuckwads. It does not give me the remotest fucking clue what he looks like. Nor does it give me any motivation to type his name into Google images to find out. And even if it did there is a very good chance that he would turn out to look exactly the same as a thousand other incompetent arseholes from the incompetent arsehole factory so I still wouldn't be able to recognise him without any context.

One of the great things about the internet is it allows me to keep up with shit I am interested in while largely excluding the much larger amount of shit that I am not interested in. I may well happen across links entitled "Hiram J. Cocksucker III does some stupid shit again", but I won't follow them because I don't give a shit. The internet also allows me to be selective about the people I interact with, so I end up only talking to people who also don't give a shit about Hiram J. Cocksucker III. And so on. In short, it is a million times more likely that I will recognise the name of someone who is a legendary stupid arsehole than that I will recognise their face.

Cracked.com's humorous images rely for their humorous effect on the people who see them being interested in stupid arseholes. So the joke falls flat for anyone who isn't. This would not happen if they did something as simple and straightforward as putting "Hiram J. Cocksucker III" in the alt tag. But instead the only information they ever give about any photo is a caption indicating which fucking image library it came from, which is another thing I don't give a steaming pile of shit about.

Stupid cunts.

There is a bird outside making a noise like a computer fan with a dodgy bearing.

American websites: s/totally//g - DO IT.

This dumb Yank describes the Cold War as a time of "living in fear of a Soviet first strike". No, mate. Second strike. I for one certainly figured that if anyone did start it off it would be the Americans. It was pretty obvious. And stuff that has been declassified since it ended confirms that pretty well.

Later in the article he goes on to say that the Allies weren't interested in sinking a particular Soviet warship in WW2 because it was too shit to worry about. No, you dick, the Allies weren't interested in sinking any Soviet warships in WW2 because the Soviets were one of the fucking Allies. Says it all really...

"Shaneequa. Or Jamarcus. Or Trevian. I'm not even going to ask you what race you think these three people are", says cracked.com. Actually, the answer is "chav".

"Reputable neuroscientists claim that, for the most part, multitasking is physically impossible. Instead, the brain is able to switch its focus between separate processes really fast." HELLOOOO.... That is exactly how computers do "multitasking" as well.

Cracked.com talking about customers that people serving them hate: "...the master of not taking no for an answer. They refuse to believe that the person helping them isn't just arbitrarily withholding the answer they're looking for. The logic is that if they ask a question that cannot be answered enough times, the answer will magically conjure in the clerk's mind, or that the out of stock product will magically appear.
"Do you still have the eggnog milkshakes?"
"No, that's just for the holidays. It's June."
"Really? Are you sure?"
"Quite sure."
"Because I could really go for an eggnog milkshake right now.""

Nonononono. The logic is that we think you are bullshitting. We think you bleeding well do have eggnog milkshakes, or at least the stuff to make them with, but you are pretending not to because of some stupid corporate bollocks diktat. Like in Falling Down where they refuse to sell him what he wants because it is one minute past some bullshit deadline. So he shoots fuck out of the whole shop and we all cheer because we know just how he feels and we would love to do the same thing. But since we don't have a gun we stand there repeatedly asking for whatever it is we want deliberately in order to be a pain in the arse in the hope that you will realise that it is less trouble to stop dicking us around for no reason and go and get the fucking eggnog milkshake already.

It is the same in stores that sell pre-manufactured items. We look on the rack for some long-nose pliers and can't find them so we go and ask at the desk. You then say "we haven't got any". We don't believe you, because you have either just answered off the top of your head or at most checked some fucking computerised stock control thing. We don't believe you know which of several thousand items are in stock and which aren't just like that without looking, and we don't believe the fucking computer because we know full well that computers get shit wrong all the time and we also know that "computer says no" is an easy excuse people use because they can't be arsed to do something. And we also know that shops have a huge room out the back full of stuff in boxes and just because there aren't any on the shelves doesn't mean there aren't some out the back. What we want you to do is to go out the back and fucking look for the long-nose pliers instead of pretending you know you haven't got any because you can't be arsed to look.

We act like dicks to you because you act like dicks to us first. Simple.

Apparently some 3D company is moaning that people are losing interest in 3D and are not happy that it has turned out to be a "passing fad". Er, yeah. So just like the last time they tried to plug 3D with exactly the same shit technology and people quickly lost interest because it was shit. Why the pissing fuck did they think it would be any different this time around? Have they forgotten or are they just fucking thick?

"Ergot poisoning is a lot like taking LSD", say innumerable ignorant fuckwits. NO. IT FUCKING ISN'T. Ergot contains an inactive precursor to LSD. It also contains a fuck load of things which are definitely not inactive but instead are rather toxic and make you seriously ill, up to dead ill in some cases. The poisoning may make you delirious, but the mental effects of delirium are absolutely nothing fucking like the effects of LSD. Delirium is fucking horrible but LSD is great. There is no point of resemblance at all. So shut the fuck up about stuff you don't have a clue about.

Where the fuck is all this "cheap fatty food" that people keep going on about? I want to know so I can buy it. There is fucking expensive fatty food, and there is cheap food which doesn't contain enough calories to keep a fly alive, but this stuff which is supposed to be cheap and calorific - as far as I can make out - only exists inside the heads of people who bitch about what other people eat. I suppose it's a case of people who are stupid enough to think it actually matters what other people eat are also sufficiently stupid not to notice that the stuff they think other people eat doesn't actually exist.

Body temperature is 98.4 on the Fahrenheit scale because... it was supposed to be 100 but he got it wrong. So the one possible justification for this arse of a scale is something which is fucked up. It's hardly surprising that the Americans are so keen on it.

Just because somebody works in a particular job (including things which insist on specialist training) is no reason to assume that they actually have more than a blind fuck of an idea about what they're doing.

Why the FUCK do people commenting on CGI keep citing Jurassic Park and Lord of the Rings as examples of how to do it right? They are both fine examples of how to FUCK IT UP. Both in the same way, too: animals that do not move realistically. And other things that are wrong are dinosaurs that look like sprites in the distance and have naugahide skin in close-up, or massive orc armies in geometrically perfect formations that a highly disciplined real human army would struggle to imitate. But it's the movement that really fucks things up. Gollum moves realistically because they copied the movements off an actual human, but anything that they just made up the movements of looks shit. And it sticks out like a sore prick. Which in turn makes the whole thing look shit. Fucksake just do it the old fashioned way with models and stuff. They look much better when they're done properly and even when they're shit they still don't look so bleeding weird because at least they are moving like an actual object even if it's the wrong sort of object, whereas shit CGI moves like nothing really moves whether it's alive or not. Even real robots don't move like that. That "Big Dog" army robot looks fucking weird because it moves half like a dog and half like a spasticated insect, but the weirdness arises because it obviously isn't alive but moves like something that is, ie. more or less the opposite of shit CGI because that is supposed to look alive but does not move like that. Pissing fuckshit.

THE ONLY GOOD PHOLCID IS A DEAD PHOLCID

The problem with forum threads about the incomprehensible degree of filth in some public toilets is that none of the people who put shit on the ceiling ever respond themselves, so such threads do nothing to solve the mystery. I have never put shit on the ceiling, but I have on two occasions put shit on the walls, so allow me to at least lift the veil fractionally by recounting the reasons.

The first occasion was when I went into the toilet, shat into a handful of bog paper and then proceeded to smear it all over the walls. The reason for this was that I was at a boarding school and I absolutely fucking hated the place with a loathing that defies my linguistic ability to express even fractionally. I would have loved to obliterate the fucking place completely with a nuclear bomb and then jumped up and down on the radioactive debris. But since I didn't have one and didn't have the guts to set fire to it as a second best, I expressed my hatred by smearing shit all over the walls. Fuck you, Colet Court, I still fucking hate you several decades on.

The second occasion was when I was caught short on Alderney and the only place to shit was a public bog on the end of the old jetty that used to define Braye harbour before the big fuck-off breakwater was built. You know, the one that always has a derelict fishing boat leaning against it and as soon as one boat is removed someone puts another one there. This bog was horrible to start with, all covered in damp and weird transparent insects, with no bog paper and no lock on the door. So the first thing I had to do was go on the hunt for some old newspaper. Having found some, I jammed the door shut with some of it, and then determined that the bog was too slimy to sit on even squatting on the seat, so I squatted over the newspaper instead and crapped on that. After wiping my arse on the rest of the newspaper, I then found myself in possession of a lovely chocolate-brown turd in a handy wrapper. So I used it like a crayon to write "SHIT IS FANTASTIC" on the wall. I then moulded the rest of it all around the door handle and decorated it with snail shells pushed into the lump. I did this because the bog was so unusably vile in the first place, partly to express my anger at it being like that and partly in the hope that if I made it even worse and used actual shit to do so instead of just damp and insects it would force the people who were supposed to maintain it to actually do something for a fucking change. I don't know if it worked though.

In writing this I am reminded of the time when I woke up in the middle of the night for a shit, but instead of allowing it to fall into the bog I caught it in bog paper, wrapped it up in more bog paper, and hid it under my pillow for the rest of the night. I did this because I was about five or six at the time and thought that shit was fascinating. In the light of the following morning I realised that despite its being fascinating I couldn't actually do anything with it without getting into trouble, so I took it back to the bog and flushed it away. Note that this is not very relevant because there was no smearing or mess involved and it didn't even leave a smell in the bed. I just thought I'd throw it in for good measure.

"Some commenters have noted that vegetarian products that imitate meat can make it difficult to bring up a vegetarian child by presenting meat-eating as the norm." It IS the fucking "norm", you flaming great moron. And how is the vegetarian child going to be eating fake meat unless the parents provide it? And why does Wikipedia's policy on reliable sources apparently count as "reliable" a random anecdote on the blog of some dipshit who is quite plainly insane and thinks that people eat meat because they have been culturally indoctrinated rather than because it fucking tastes nice? Why can't fucking stupid people just be banned from existing?

@waynesables tweets: "Working in @BeStudiosLtd campaign for @Lionhearts2014 cleaning audio as some kind peeps hooked onto out wifi Chanel and clipped our audio" - Translation: we are too fucking retarded to use encryption on our wireless network. Or even to, you know, plug in a fucking ethernet cable so we don't have to bother with one.

Posting "I fixed it" without explaining how should be a banning offence.

I wonder if the guy using "John Cheese" as an internet handle knows that that actually was the Cleese family name until John's grandad changed it?

Random shit from a philosophy-oriented Wikipedia page...

"...we understand what a person means by what they say." Depending on where you put the brackets, this is either a case of state the bleeding obvious, or palpable bollocks which is contradicted every time anyone says "I don't understand you".

"He believes that proper discussion can lead to agreement, courses of action, and in some cases to mutual understanding, if not an eventual agreement on issues of ideology or philosophic belief." Yeah, it can do, but it can just as easily not do. It can also lead to people pretending to agree because they can't be arsed to argue or because they can't find any other way to make the other cunt shut up.

"Conflicting concepts, interests, and assumptions which concern society form an ecology of culture." The last three words are a phrase pulled out of someone's arse so they can make a deep-sounding statement without having to think. The result is meaningless.

"Discussion forms an object, which is the transformation of the subject into a product that is held in common as the outcome." This is a pretentious use of obfuscatory language to make a deep-sounding statement, relying on most people not being arsed to work out what it means. It comes out to "discussion is a way of getting people to agree on something", and we knew that already.

"McKeon's philosophy is similar to rhetoric as conceived by Aristotle, whereby it has the power to be employed in any given situation as the available means of persuasion." So has a gun or a big wad of money.

Philosophy is such a load of fucking arse. The problem is that people won't admit it's a load of fucking arse because they are afraid of making themselves look thick.

Stop calling mime artists "mimes", for fuck's sake. Mimes are what they do, not what they are. You cunts.

Twitter shite RTed onto my timeline for no apparent reason: "It's a shame that Matthew's girlfriend is tweeting so much hate". (1) Who the fuck is Matthew's girlfriend? (2) Who the fuck is Matthew? (3) If you don't like what she tweets why the fuck are you following her? TWAT.

The pholcid extermination programme does seem to be paying off. There are now at least 2 proper spiders in my kitchen and they are big buggers.

Kim Jong Un hates this video... Kim Jong-un uproar in China satire video

"...all that super-fun hedonism has resulted in a world where life is almost completely pointless." So same as usual then except less shit.

SNUS GRUBS are tiny little grubs that live inside an envelope that looks like a tiny white snus thing. They move about by sticking themselves out of one end and grabbing something and pulling themselves back in. They are a brown colour like cigarette tobacco. I do not know what they develop into. I would keep some in a tin to find out but I have no idea what they eat either.

Anne Tark is a cold-hearted bitch.

Random bent K-series valves for no apparent reason

What is this fucking shit? "Rise and rise again until lambs become lions", for fuck's sake. Whoever came up with that one is a twat. Anyone who wants it in Latin as a tattoo is a bigger twat. And anyone whose tattoo does not read "surgite et resurgite donec agni leones fiant" is a huge massive twat.

And on which note...

What's this? "Usque agnos factus est leones" - "All the way lambs it was made lions"??

There is a random load of blood on my finger and I have no idea why. There is also a big splat of blood on the wall from where I put my hand on it without realising. That was about an hour ago, so I must have done it some time before then and not even noticed. I am a leaky bastard. >drinks can of Radweld<

That crackling sound as another pholcid's legs boil and burst in the flame of the lighter. Ah, 'tis like music, so it is.

Pholcus phalangoides cunnus maximus est.

It's not "homophobia". It's "misohomy", or something like that. "-phobia" indicates fear, "miso-" indicates hate. cf. "misogyny". Get it right for fuck's sake.

"President Putin has pitched himself as his people’s defender, restoring his country’s battered pride. Now the West should try to de-couple patriotic Russians from their president." FUCK OFF. The West should KEEP THEIR FUCKING NOSES OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS. Sick and fucking tired of The West thinking it has some sort of right to tell every other fucker what to do.

I keep giving the cat half-dead pholcids to play with but she steadfastly refuses to take an interest in them even though they are still moving. Useless beast.

I wish it was possible to have the window open at night without shitloads of fucking insects coming in.

All video sites are GIANT CUNTS. The reason? Instead of providing a link to download the video, they deliberately fuck you about to try and make it as hard as possible to download it. FUCK OFF. What the fuck is the point of this shite? It should be flaming bloody obvious that it isn't going to work because of the basic principle of "if it can be watched it can be saved". And indeed there are plenty of programs out there which do exactly that. Why the pissing fuck can't youtube, dailymotion, vimeo and all the rest of the fuckwads get it through their thick heads that 1 website vs. Millions of people who want to download the videos is always going to be a losing contest anyway and just stop trying to be cunts? Fucking shitheads.

However they are doing night scenes in films these days, it is FUCKING SHITE. The old fashioned method of doing it in the sunshine with a dark blue filter worked much better. Sure it was bloody obvious that that's what they were doing, but it still managed to look nighty, and very importantly, you could SEE WHAT WAS FUCKING HAPPENING. The modern methods may be more realistic but all you can see is black so they are a fucking waste of time. Fucksake. It is bleeding obvious that a realistic night scene is going to be shit because all you can see is black. There's no point making it realistic if that means you can't fucking follow the story. Same deal with characters who are supposed to be foreign but talk in English all the time so you can still understand what they're saying. If they were realistic and talked foreign it would be shit. Having them talk English is an acceptable departure from realism which is justified because it is necessary to enable you to follow the story. Night scenes require a similar departure from realism for the same fucking reason and not doing it makes them shit.

"Ban sulky racing in Ireland", says the subject line of a spam. Yeah. If the bogtrotting twats are going to have a race they can bloody well be cheerful about it.

I always find it weird seeing people named Passmore engaged in respectable or intellectual activity. The name is too strongly associated with the thug character in "Tucker's Luck".

Netflix is for people who are too thick to use torrents.

The Soviet nuclear weapons programme, it is said, gained four years' worth of progress by using the information they got by spying on the Americans. Or to put it another way, all the espionage really did was compensate for the amount it was slowed down by Beria and Stalin being complete fucking cunts to everyone involved and generally fucking the whole thing up.

Campbell Kent is Souperman.

Lye Kubudji is like Kabaddi except it relates to budgerigars.

Doc Smith's Skylark series is great all the way up until the second half of the last book, at which point it suddenly turns to shit. Fucking witchcraft for fuck's sake. As a deus ex machina. Totally out of the blue with no justification in the context, and totally shite. There's a similar kind of "what the fuck is going on here?" fuckup in Children of the Lens, in the bit with the "Hell-Hole in Space" and what happens to Kinnison and how they get him back. Weird shit that comes out of nowhere and hasn't even been hinted at in the series and fits the setting about as well as Mr Blobby in Tirion. I think it represents the point where he should have stopped writing for a bit and gone off and had a spliff.

"Don't ever call a part of a woman or a woman herself as "shit"", says a random snippet on Google which popped up in the results for a search on something else entirely. Fuck off. If she is shit then I'll call her shit. And if a bloke is shit I'll call him shit. Otherwise they will just go on thinking they are wonderful when in fact they are shit, which doesn't do anyone any good.

Of all the bloody spiders and insects that come in here, the only ones the cat won't eat are the ones I'm trying to get rid of. The fucking pholcids.

"This product will become a sensation within month." I don't care. Fuck off.

I have just washed my hands and now my fingernails smell of puke. I have not puked since I moved in here nor have I even seen any puke. Right. What smells of puke and isn't puke? And the answer isn't "Parmesan cheese" because I haven't got any of that either. And the soap doesn't smell of puke and nor does the water and nor does the towel and nor does any other fucking thing except my fingernails. This is shit.

MH17: "The implication from Ukrainian sources is that Russian rebels in eastern Ukraine are to blame", says the Metro. ARSE. The Ukrainians did it precisely so they could have a reason to say that.

Shit in space is produced by arseteroids.

"She's growing perception, perhaps, the way she's growing breasts." OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE...

FLIGHT MH17: UKRAINE DID IT in order to make people think Russia did it so the West will be more keen to fuck their noses in. If the West had kept their fucking noses out right from the off then they'd not have bothered.

Are there any 1969 Dodge Chargers still about that have not been made into General Lees?

"The central thing was the public had no control," says Dr Christopher Laucht, a lecturer in British history at Leeds University. "You were at the mercy of political decision makers." So business as usual then.

"Trust someone, and they will be true to ya", says a random post on twitter. Bollocks. Trust someone and they will take advantage of it and fuck you up. How do people not know that?

WIKIPEDIA'S DNS IS FUCKED. This is weird and shit. Sort it out you cunts.

The Titanic was run into the iceberg on purpose by some cunt who was pissed off that he hadn't been able to find any titanium on it or indeed any tits.

There is a tiny beetle in my pile of tobacco and it is going bleeding mental.

When parrots eat and budgies chew
We like to drop them down the loo.
When parrots chew and budgies eat
We just cut off their dirty feet.

Anti-smoking cunts are trying to make smoke into booze.

A dickwad writes: "everyone uses the "lady burned by hot coffee vs. mcdonalds" as an example of a frivilous lawsuit. but that is just mcdonalds propaganda. the mcdonalds coffee was over 50 degrees hotter than it should have been, and caused 3rd degree burns on the inside of her thighs and groin area that required skin grafts. give the poor lady a break." - Bullshit. If you hurt yourself doing something stupid it's your own fault for being fucking stupid. No exceptions. And this particular divot was particularly fucking stupid; she was holding the fucking cup between her fucking legs to get the lid off, which more or less bleeding guarantees it's going to spill. I don't give a tinker's fuck how hot it was or how severe the injuries were. No cunt with half a grain of sense would open even a cold drink like that because it is bound to spill. It's not the fault of McDonald's at all. She wanted a hot drink. She got a hot drink. Nobody said it was going to be at any particular temperature, it was just "hot". If something is said to be "hot" then you already bleeding know it's a potential source of injury and you treat it as such until you have ascertained that it has cooled down. If you don't do that and hurt yourself it's your own bleeding fault. Fucksake. The reason that everyone uses this case as an example of a frivolous lawsuit and of the idiocy of the American legal system is that it's a fucking good one. Oh, and learn to fucking spell and capitalise properly, you fucking retard.

"Crackdown on payday loan sharks" - this is a load of shit because as usual they are failing to address the cause of the problem. The first thing they need to do is legislate that employers must pay people weekly, in cash, on Mondays. That way even if they do run out of money before they get paid it'll only be for a couple of days so they'll be able to get by without going to a loan shark; even more so because those days will be at the weekend; they get the money straightaway without having to fuck about with banks or have the bank fuck them about not letting them have it; and if they are of the type to piss everything they've got up the wall on Friday night, they can only piss away what they've got left from the week and not what they will need for the week. Of course they won't do this because for one thing they are afraid of employers whinging about it being too much hassle, even though that is bullshit and employers hold a way smaller proportion of the total vote than employees, and for another it goes against this fucking bullshit of trying to make everyone dependent on banks, which is also an instance of a privileged minority being favoured at the expense of the majority and an even more egregious one. All this bollocks about "crackdown" is just a load of fucking blah to make it look like they're doing something and to move the responsibility for actually getting anything done onto other people. It is flaming bloody obvious that they are not really serious about it because they do have the power to take effective measures but they refuse to exercise it. Is it any wonder that nobody trusts politicians and everyone thinks they are cunts?

How the fuck does that thing about "Chinese girls' cunts go sideways" manage to keep going in these days of freely accessible disproofs-by-counterexample all over the fucking internet?

Further evidence that Americans are congenital fucking idiots: A squirrel came down someone's chimney into their lounge. "We spent $150 to have someone chase the squirrel away", they say. FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! Fucking do it yourself you flaming great twat. Open the fucking window and yell at the cunt. What's it gonna fucking do, eat nuts at you? How the pissing fuck can anyone be such a pathetically incompetent moronic fuck that they pay someone else a lot of money to do something that they could do themselves in less time than it would take to make the phone call to this lucky cunt? No wonder they have a fucking army which is the most high-tech force in the world but still manages to shoot more of its own soldiers than it does the enemy. What a fucking nation. Fucksake.

Reading a checklist of things to check out when buying a house. Some of them are jokes. Some of them are just plain weird (electrical sockets outdoors? WTF?) Some of them are one-offs (previous owner cut holes in the floor). But a lot of them are serious - and most of those are all down to the same root cause: The list is American, and Americans can't fucking build houses. They make the whole bloody thing out of wood. No wonder the result is shit. If they did a proper job of things and made them out of bricks like any sensible person would, none of this wobbly all-falling-to-bits leaks-everywhere shakes-and-rattles-in-the-wind crap would happen. Fucksake. Sure it makes sense to build houses out of wood when you are a pioneer making a home in the wilderness and there isn't anything else to use. But once you have a full size building industry not using bricks is just fucking stupid. That's why every other fucker who does have a full size building industry does use bricks. Fucking wood for fuck's sake. Cunts.

There are also quite a few things that indicate that American cluelessness about building houses is not limited to insisting on inappropriate materials. Things like blockages in the toilet leading to effluent ending up in the bathtub. How is that even possible? Or bedroom light switches that are wired to control a socket instead of the bleeding light. I already knew that American conventions for how the power is supplied to the house are hair-raisingly fucked up from research I did to troubleshoot some guy's electrical problems via email. Now it seems that the wiring inside the house is also likely to be full of really weird fuckups. And so is the plumbing. I can't be arsed to list all the examples of electrical and plumbing fuckups that are either unbelievably weird or simply should not be possible at all, because there are so many of them. I will just conclude that American sparkies and plumbers haven't got a fucking clue about what they're fucking doing and a fucking monkey could do a better job.

And finally, because the list is American there are several things on it that just don't make sense at all. "No aerators on the sinks", for instance. No what on the sinks? I can't begin to imagine what one of those might be. "The counterspace doesn't flow correctly from the fridge to the range to the sink." What the fuck does this mean? Is "counterspace" the kitchen worktops? They aren't supposed to fucking "flow". They aren't supposed to be fucking liquid. They are supposed to be solid and immovable. Nor does it help to imagine that "counterspace" might mean something other than kitchen worktops, because I can't think of anything that ever flows from the fridge to the range to the sink. It just doesn't make sense. It can only be understood even partially by supposing that "kitchen" doesn't actually mean a kitchen, but instead refers to a lake or something; lines like "When refrigerator door is open, you cannot walk through kitchen (door hits island...)" support this view, since you often get islands in lakes but you never get them in a fucking kitchen, but on the other hand I find it hard to imagine that even Americans are crazy enough to build houses in the middle of a fucking lake. And things like "The line of travel goes through the work triangle" are beyond comprehension entirely. Line of travel of what? And what the fuck is a "work triangle"? Is this really a comment about things that might be wrong with a house, or is it one of those examples of how it is possible to construct a sentence that is grammatically correct but semantically meaningless that has been accidentally put on the wrong web page? Convulsive shuddering fuck on a stick. Bloody Yanks.

Cat, if you want something to fucking play with choose one of the innumerable possibilities that DOESN'T MAKE A NOISE. Not a fucking cellophane wrapper that crackles and rustles and constantly makes me look round wondering what non-disposable item is being fucking destroyed. Fed up with endlessly having to check out sounds that potentially indicate destructive activity all the pissing time. Cunt.

Shredding or ripping up "sensitive documents" before throwing them away is pointless and shit, because it is still possible to tape them back together and have the reassembled document accepted as valid. No, the thing to do is BURN IT. Not only is it actually effective, it's a lot more fun. No doubt they will say they don't tell people to burn them instead of ripping them up in case someone burns their house down. What that overlooks is that if someone does burn their house down while trying to burn a piece of paper it is their own fault for being shit at burning things and not understanding fire. There is also the point that if people do get into the habit of burning these pieces of crap they will learn to understand fire and to be good at burning things, which is valuable knowledge; if nothing else, it will enable them to avoid behaving like a mental panicky shit at the mere idea of fire, and since such behaviour is a widespread problem that creates a lot of unnecessary hassle for people who like burning things, a significant reduction in the tendency for people to exhibit it will result in increased peace of mind and reduced stress levels for burner and ex-panicker alike. So fuck shredding shit, just BURN IT.

PROPELLING PENCIL, n. Also "crayon". A lump of shit which refuses to be fully expelled from your arsehole at the conclusion of a defecation session and instead sits immovably half in and half out, such that it can only be dealt with by a maddeningly interminable session of wiping, each wipe bringing away a skidmark of seemingly undiminished richness, undertaken in the desperate hope that the end of the shit will be reached before the end of the bog roll, in a kind of faecal war of attrition.

You can be the racing car, and I can be James Hunt. I can be the sailor, and you can be the... what's this word? - Mr Biggun, the word is "punt". - Are you sure?

A doctor says: "I've had people whose immediate response to "You need surgery" was "Does this mean I can go on disability?" And they never ask that with the tone of dawning horror you'd expect from someone who just suffered a life-altering injury. No, they take the exact same tone as a 5-year-old asking if Santa's going to come tonight." (He is talking about back pain and spinal injuries.) The worst thing about this (and the whole piece I've lifted it from) is not so much his lack of sympathy (which is the whole point of the piece) but his lack of understanding. He genuinely does not understand that the kind of life society tries to force people to lead is such a fucking pile of shit that people can be glad to suffer the kind of injury that gives them an out from it. Is he misled by his own job being one of the tiny percentage that are actually necessary and useful, instead of one of the vast majority of which somewhere between 90% and 100% of it either could and should be done by robots or would be better not done at all, or does he not see it because it is also one of the few that pay enough money to buy back at least a little bit of the freedom and independence that he has lost by having to have a job at all? I did my back in once by carrying a diesel engine up 4 flights of stairs. It was painful, unpleasant and incapacitating, making normal everyday activities painful or impossible. It wore off after 3 weeks - but if I had had the choice to suffer it permanently in exchange for a guarantee of the freedom and independence of never having to work again, I'd have accepted like a shot. The sooner society stops believing its own propaganda and gets it through its thick head that the mental anguish of compulsory economic slavery for a lifetime can be such that permanent physical pain and disability are a more attractive option the better off we will all be.

I have tried to submit this as a comment to the article - everything from "Is he misled..." is a direct copy and paste from the comments box - but of course the fucking comment facility does not work, and clicking the submit button just reloads the fucking page without submitting the comment or producing any kind of error message that might enable me to work out what went wrong. Like every fucking comment facility on every fucking website does. Fucking useless fucking shite.

Another thing about pholcids is they are rather heat-sensitive. If you hit them with the flame of a lighter their legs fall off. Bastard fucking cunt arse-spiders.

Most cleaning operations can be avoided entirely by simply waiting until the dirt builds up to the point where it is falling off as fast as it is accumulating.

FUCKING PISSHEADS... If there's one drug that really shows up just how fucked up the drug laws are it's alcohol. With all the other drugs, all the adverse effects they have on other people and most of the adverse effects on the users themselves are purely due to their illegal status. The one drug whose adverse effects on other people are purely down to the nature of the drug itself is the fucking legal one. Alcohol. Because it's the only one which both makes you into a stupid fucking cunt with less refinement than a fucking monkey and removes your inhibitions against acting like a stupid fucking cunt to other people. Some of the illegal ones do one, some do the other, some do neither, but there isn't anything that does both like fucking alcohol does. Of all the different types of druggies - including smackheads - the worst ones to be around are fucking piss artists. You can't relax for a fucking second in their vicinity because you never know when the next totally random act of moronically stupid violent destruction is coming. Smackheads are easy to deal with because they're such sad cunts. All you have to do is nail everything down so they can't steal it. With fucking pissheads it doesn't matter if it's nailed down, they'll just puke on it and then smash it up for no fucking reason, piss on everything while hanging round your neck trying to say you're their best mate in the manner of it being a threat if you don't agree and breathing their stinky alcohol breath on you. Fucking cunts.

Now there's better. This is a proper spider, not one o' them pholcid cunts. Maybe my policy of killing off the bleeding pholcids is beginning to bear fruit. I flicked the arse off a pholcid the other day and the next day I found another pholcid eating the remaining body and legs bit. I want proper spiders that actually eat the insects, not cunty pholcid shits that eat the other spiders and let most of the insects go. Cunts.

Fucking cat can't even chase a laser pointer properly because she keeps looking at the thing itself every time she loses track of where the dot is. Which she does every time it's more than a couple of inches away from where she's looking. Stupid cunt cat.

Why is it that spammers find it so difficult to get the name in the From field and the name at the bottom of the email the same?

Shooting my cat is fucking impossible. Soon as I pick up the camera she stops doing whatever cute thing she was doing and tries to shove her face in it.

It's weird how British Rail named their ferry operation after something pinnipeds used to write with.

I flicked a pholcid spider and its ENTIRE ARSE came off leaving just the bit with the legs on. Fuck knows what happened to the arse. It completely vanished.

RIGHT, now about this LIMERICK, it goes like THIS:

There was a young lass from Nepal
Who went to a fancy dress ball
She thought she would risk it
And go as a biscuit
But a dog ate her up in the hall.

Well WE MADE THAT UP. It was at Christmas and we were playing those crappy Christmas games and at the point in question we were playing the particular crappy Christmas game where you make up one line of a limerick and someone else makes up the next one and so on until you've done all five. And what we made up was that. One of the lines was made up by my sister who was about 8 at the time. I remember it plainly and so does everyone else who was there apart from the ones who are dead.

Imagine my surprise to find copies of that limerick all over the internet with people saying it came from here and it came from there and it came from Timbuctoo and I don't know where else. Well they are ALL WRONG because WE STARTED IT and I know that because I was there at the time so anyone who says it came from anywhere else is WRONG and they can fuck off.

"If she's feeling like breeding, it'll be brown and crusty." Oh thank you so much Google I'm sure I always wanted to know that.

Astronauts in orbit are said to be in "free fall". Well it is free for them I suppose but NASA had to spend bleeding millions getting them up there HA HA HA HA WOT WIT.

This is what it looks like at the seaside. There are labels on the picture so you know what all the bits are.

How is it that in the old days all the women were so fucking ugly but nobody seemed to notice? While the men looked pretty much the same? I am wondering this - not for the first time, but it's this time I'm talking about - as a result of reading Spike Milligan's memoirs. For many, many pages now he has made at least one reference on every page to this lass Jean and how amazingly beautiful she is, inducing and encouraging the eager hope in the reader that he will eventually include a photo of this vision of loveliness. But when at last he does (see below) it turns out that she looks like a pie, and could only be considered "beautiful" in relation to other women looking even more like pies. And this is volume 7 and the same comments apply to every woman he's mentioned in the preceding six and a half volumes. What the fuck happened in between then and now for there to be so many women about these days who do not look like pies? Where did the anti-pie genes come from? Mutations induced by fallout from nuclear weapons testing or what?

GOVERNMENT TO INSTALL SPY IN YOUR HOME - 'Smart meters' to be put in every British home despite fears they may not work, says the Telegraph. "The £11 billion Government plan to put 'smart meters' into every British home will be launched this week." FUCK OFF.

"Smart meters work by recording gas and electricity consumption every 30 minutes. The metres (sic) are linked up to monitors called In-Home Displays, which show customers how much power they are consuming at any one time and how much it is costing them." But you can get that information anyway just by looking at the existing meter. It does not need a fucking new meter plus some stupid bloody "monitor". All you have to do is look at the meter you already have and see how fast the light is flashing or the wheel is going round. Fucksake.

"The gas and electricity meters transfer information wirelessly using a communication hub called ZigBee". GO AND FUCK YOURSELVES YOU FUCKING SPYING NOSEY FUCKING CUNTS. There is NO FUCKING WAY you are going to "transfer information" out of my house about what I am fucking doing or about anything else for that matter. It's none of your fucking business. I will NOT tolerate a fucking spy appliance in my home. NOT FUCKING HAPPENING. FUCK OFF.

"Energy companies will begin the installation of smart meters next year at a cost of at least £200 per home, and have admitted the expense will be passed on to customers." So the government are spending 11 billion quid on this fucking shite AND expecting people to pay 200 quid themselves for the privilege of being spied on? Once again, FUCK OFF. Spying on me is bad enough. Expecting me to pay for it is fucking outrageous. Fucking CUNTS.

STUFF YOUR FUCKING SPY METERS UP YOUR FUCKING ARSE AND DO NOT DARE COME ANYWHERE NEAR ME WITH THIS FUCKING CUNTISH SHIT.

"Britain needs 'national debate' about banning Muslim girls from wearing veils in public", says a headline on the Telegraph website. Does it fuck. It's a fucking shit and stupid idea and anyone who thinks otherwise is a huge cunt. End of debate.

Romeo and Juliet wonderfully romantic classic love story blah blah blah WAS IT FUCK. They were a pair of fucking idiots with the brains of a slug. Between them, not each. They say love makes you stupid but that pair were so dense they must have been born like it.

Is that automatic weapons fire coming from next door or is it just someone with a really bad arse oh no it's a DRILL how bloody boring it would be much better if it was a fart just think of it you could sell that guy's intestinal flora to the army the enemy would run like fuck if they heard a bunch of squaddies approaching making a noise like that.

I really hope this fucker has good brakes.

Here is a picture of some no-cars on Capri.

WEIRD ASS FOREIGN MOUNTAINS

I like their road builders. You can just imagine it...

(singing) "Tum te tum te tum te tum, here we go merrily road-building along, fa la la lolly, tum te tum tong..."
"...Oh no! We can't road-build any further! There's a weird-ass foreign mountain in the way!"
"Oh nooo! What a really heavy bummer! What are we going to do?"
"Er... er... Oh I know, yeah! Let's make an AERIAL MUSHROOM!"
"Yeah! Wow! That would be really neat, man! ... er... What's an aerial mushroom?"
"Well, what we do, like, is we stop building the road, 'cause we're going to have to stop anyway 'cause there's a weird-ass foreign mountain in the way, right, and then we make like a bell-end on the end of it, so all the lorries and bulldozers have got somewhere to turn round and they don't have to squash all the trees, 'cause that would be really uncool, yeah?"
"Yeah, OK, and then what do we do?"
"Er, then we just, like, go home, right?"
"No but that would be really boring and heavy, 'cause we're not doing anything, right?"
"Yeah but no but it's like this, right, 'cause if you stand on the ground it looks normal, right, but if you climb that hill over there, it looks like an ENORMOUS MAGIC MUSHROOOOOM!"
"Oh! Yeah! Yeah, right! It would and all! Funky, man, let's do it!"
"Let me hear you say MUSHROOM!"
"MUSHROOM!!!"
"Yeah, yeah, brilliant!"

...etc.

Our biology teacher liked Pink Floyd, so whenever he showed us a biology video he used to turn the sound up on the intro.

Stop calling it "his male hardness" for fuck's sake. There are perfectly good words that don't sound so bleeding spasticated so use them instead. Like "cock", for instance. And no, swapping it round and calling it "hard maleness" instead is no less spasticated. COCK. COCK. COCK.

"An intoxicating drink made with hashish leaves". What's a hashish leaf then?

Fucking hate this sort of shit: "You may be black and poor, but so were some of our congresswomen, and movie stars, and scientists, and sports legends... You can be anything you want to be. It's up to you." Yeah, but all the other kids they grew up with are still living in the gutter. I'm sure they "want to be" something different, but for all the wanting they still aren't. It's not "up to you", it's up to the luck of the fucking draw. One in a thousand gets to be anything they want to be and the other 999 spend their lives eating shit regardless of what they want. And feeling even more pissed off about it than they would anyway because all these stupid cunts keep telling them the 999 can be the one. It's bullshit. Hard work doesn't bring success. LUCK brings success. All hard work brings you is a lifetime of blisters. And the proof is the 999 out of 1000 who work hard all their lives and have nothing but blisters to show for it. Fucksake.

Also, "congresswomen" sounds like a euphemism for "prostitutes".

TIBERIUS WOZ ERE. But that was a long time ago and now it's all cow shit.

CURIOUS E.T. KILLED THE CAT by sticking something up its bum. What is it with aliens and bums? Do they not have them or something so they are desperately curious to work out what it's for? In which case how do they shit? Out of their mouths? Do they not realise how fucking gross that is? Aren't they supposed to be intelligent? How did they manage to build a spaceship if they're too thick to be competent at something as basic as shitting? Can I get any more question marks in this entry?

What stupid cockend came up with the idea of putting "CE" instead of "AD" for dates? What the fuck is the point? The bleeding numbers are still the same and they are still counting from the same inaccurate approximation to the year in which Jesus was born so it doesn't make any fucking difference. Yes, we live in a world in which the majority of people use a dating system that counts from the birth of Jesus. That's the way it is. Fucking live with it. Anyone who finds it "offensive" (a) was born on the wrong fucking planet and (b) needs a brain transplant. Except of course there is nobody who genuinely does find it offensive, there are only shit-for-brains morons with tiny cocks who pretend they do in order to make a big fuss about nothing and get themselves some attention. Stupid cunts. I'll give them some bleeding "attention" if they don't shut the fuck up and fuck off.

Americans: For fuck's sake stop referring to pharmaceutical drugs by their fucking American trade names. It's fucking confusing. Use the fucking generic names, then everyone will know what you are talking about without having to look it up, plus you will avoid giving free advertising to specific drug companies and promoting the false notion that their shit is somehow "better" than stuff made by other companies which is exactly the same fucking chemical just under a different name. Fucksake.

Keith Dickscratch, the ticket agent. Actually it's Keith Prowse, but at first I had never heard of him at all, then someone suggested I might be able to get tickets for a Pink Floyd gig from that ticket agent called Keith Dickscratch or something, and it was only after some considerable time trawling through the Yellow Pages that I managed to translate Dickscratch to Prowse. As a result I have never been able to think of the ticket agent as anything other than Keith Dickscratch.

Tunbridge Wells really smells
Droitwich Spa is stic
Aberdeen's gone all green
Wick is being sick.
Harrogate is irate
(Something's wrong with it)
Acocks Green is obscene
London's fucking shit.

Doodle a day, doodle a day
The Frenchman ran forwards and got in the way
Dadle a doo, dadle a doo
The Frenchman ran backwards and fell down the loo.

Fixed-formation multiple units suck diseased donkeys' balls.

Why didn't Hitler ever realise how fucking stupid he looked with that moustache? |||||

Blackpool is a FUCKING SHITHOLE. Everything is dirty and grey and also slightly sticky, which makes it even dirtier as well as preventing non-sticky dirt from falling off. Sticky grit. Gritty stick. I fucking hate sticky things. Anything sticky is ipso facto dirty and needs a wash even if you can't see it. In Blackpool's case the whole fucking town needs a wash, and not like it gets when it rains, either, because that obviously isn't working; it needs a torrent of high pressure boiling water directed forcibly at every single object in the place to completely cover each such object, followed by the same thing again about 10 times to make sure it's properly rinsed and there isn't any lingering stickiness anywhere. Which is a fuck of a lot of effort to go to when it would be so much simpler and so much more fun to just set off a couple of megatons 15000 feet above it. You could even probably get away with blaming the fallout on Windscale. So why hasn't anyone fucking done it yet?

Reading Spike Milligan's war memoirs; I have not encountered such prolific use of the word "wog" since the lesson where the teacher got distracted and started telling us all about how it stood for "Wily Oriental Gentleman" and they began at Calais along with the frogs, wops, dagoes and niggers. Oh what a thing is an English education.

A cameo is an animao with a hump that oives in the desert.

Pholcid spiders are so fucking shit. Here is a picture of a shit pholcid spider to show how shit they are.

Harry Potter's penis is actually several very short penises stacked end on to each other. Like those shitty plastic pencils other kids had at school which had several little leads inside all in little plastic sabots stacked end to end and instead of sharpening them you pulled the used lead out of the front and pushed it in the back and a new one came out. You know, these things.

I don't know why the ends of the pencil were missing off the photo so I had to draw them in. At least it shows the little plastic sabots with leads in. They were shit because as you can see from the picture you got lots and lots of plastic but not much lead. Also if you lost one of the sabots the others wouldn't fit any more and it didn't work so you had to nick one out of some other kid's pencil when they weren't looking.

Anyway Harry Potter's penis is like that because one day he was trying to do magic with one of those pencils and something went wrong. Now he has to make sure to keep a hard-on all the time because if he lets it go soft the stack will all come loose and fall apart and the little penis segments would fall out down his trouser legs and all go running about on their own and get lost. And nicking another one of those off another kid when they're not looking is much, much more difficult.

Is it possible to culture luminescent microorganisms in your bladder so when you piss in the dark it lights up? I hope it is because it would be great fun to do it. Imagine taking a long exposure photograph of pissing off the Friar Street multi storey in the middle of the night. It would be even better if you could make it change colour according to what you'd been drinking and took a multiple exposure photograph of pissing different colours off the Friar Street multi storey in the middle of the night.

Oh fuck. There is INVISIBLE WATER on this table and I have just got it on my Rizla.

REVERTING STUPIDITY is a complete fucking pain in the arse. I am fucking fed up with doing it but with so much stupidity around...

An elephant's dick is very large
It has to carry it on a barge
And when the barge goes through a lock
The keeper says "cor, what a cock".

Imagine being able to piss nitroglycerine. Of course you would have to do it off the top of a very very tall cliff to make sure you had finished pissing before the first drops hit the ground, but as long as you've got one then it would be great.

You know how when you breathe out and it's cold your breath steams... well some day I shall have to set up a video camera on a tripod, or at the least some mirrors, when it's cold, and then take my trousers off, in order to see if farts do the same thing. I'd expect they ought to, but I don't actually know, and I would like to see if they really do or not. If they do I can write about it on the internet and you never know, it might even start a new fashion.

Companies are female and believe in fish.

SE10 is in London. There is also an American version, which as well as being half backwards is also much bigger.

"Extend the range of your Wi-Fi with the BT Dual-Band Wi-Fi Extender 600!" So that'll be an extension from zero to extended zero then. Like this, or something.

I do not have a wireless network, because I am not some clueless moron who is afraid of ethernet cables. And even if I did have one I would not call it a "wi-fi" (with or without capitalisation) because only cunts do that.

The thing about spellchecked OCR errors is that when the author of the OCRed material was Spike Milligan you're never quite sure if they are or not.

There ought to be an operating system called "Crow" so that when a program running on it shits itself it can produce a caw dump.

Facebook doesn't need to have adverts. Cocksuckerberg is as rich as fucking Creosote. He could pay the hosting costs for the rest of his life and not even notice it. Same with Google. Why can't these shitheads STOP BEING SUCH GREEDY FUCKS?

What is that story where some bloke has a dead parrot on his shoulder? Not the Monty Python sketch. That one is in a cage and doesn't do anything. This one is a sort of zombie version of a dead parrot that can still do things, and it sits on this bloke's shoulder and rots at people.

Chlorine is called chlorine because if you breathe it in it feels like something is chlorine your lungs out.

Wood is made from the bones of animals that died and turned into trees. You can tell this because it has splinters, and splinters are the teeth. And claws, sometimes. Wood that doesn't have splinters is just made from the bones of very old animals which are so old that all their teeth and claws have fallen out and got made into brambles.

I hate having to have a shit. It's a sodding nuisance. I mean, the first 30 seconds is OK; drop trousers, sit on bog, turd falls out of arse, fair enough. If that was all there was to it it wouldn't be a problem. What fucks me off is the next 10 minutes of sitting there feeling like there's more to come when there isn't and trying to persuade my arsehole to close up again when it doesn't want to because it thinks there is. And then all the fucking wiping. Why does it have to be so fucking messy? Why can't it just fall away cleanly instead of smearing half of itself over my arse as it goes? And it takes such a sodding long time. While my tea is getting cold. Fucking biology. There are more important things in life than shit, and tea is most definitely one of them. I am fed up with having my tea ruined by shit. Bastard.

The most dangerous kitchen implement is the sieve. A knife may cut, but a sieve'll war.

With Tent! Or the Free Telephones!

"I knew that eating a mere hamburger a day can increase my risk of dying by a third." I hope I don't need to point out exactly why that statement is utterly moronic.

"Figuring out that someone else has probably already solved the [programming] problem and finding and using their solution is likely to be a lot faster than working it out yourself"... Sure, it can be, but I'd not be so quick to say "likely". I tend to find that figuring out how to use the pre-existing solution is such a fucking pain in the arse that starting from scratch is the easiest way of doing things.

Fed up with stupid twats calling fattening food "nutrient free". If it was nutrient-free it wouldn't be bleeding fattening, would it, you stupid fucking moronic cunts. Try eating nothing but cardboard for a month and see how fat you get. Fucksake.

Also fed up with (usually the same) stupid twats calling it "cheap". Is it fuck cheap. Three quid for a curry and that's only because it's on offer and it still only has 700 calories? What the fuck am I supposed to do, eat three or four of the bloody things a day? Ten quid a day is NOT fucking "cheap". Two quid a day would be reasonable. Is it possible? Is it arse. So fuck off with your stupid "cheap food" bullshit. I'm sick and fucking tired of the amount of money I have to spend on fucking food and I know fine it is not fucking "cheap".

"When a female teacher or other older woman seduces a student or other under-age male, it's typically trivialized, dismissed or laughed at". Well, yeah. Every single bloke who reads the article says "he's a lucky bastard, I wish she'd been a teacher at my school".

I despise women who say they want a "rich and successful man", because it just means they want someone to scrounge off. They are, in fact, whores looking for a john to give them a lifetime contract. As for the ones who want an "ambitious" man, they are just bleeding stupid. What the fuck is the point of looking for someone who is going to give a higher priority to spending time on whatever it is he's ambitious about than on spending time with you? Fucking idiots.

Why have my stamps got pictures of fish on them?

The parrot puts its penis
Up the budgie's bum
It jiggles in and out a bit
And then it tries to come.
The budgie's bottom's tightness
Stops the spunk coming out
The parrot finds this painful
And begins to scream and shout.

Fuckin' Pall Mall and people insisting on pronouncing it "pal mal". It's "paul maul". Because that's how words ending in "all" sound. Like "wall" and "ball" and "fall" and all. PAUL MAUL. Fuckin' shite.

"Teaching of phonics is poor", complains some crap in the local paper reporting on some school or other. Fuckin' whoop-de-bloody-do. Teaching of what? I don't even know what it is, because nobody even tried to teach me "phonics" when I was at school. And funnily enough neither I nor any of the other people who went to school before they invented this thing have suffered any difficulty as a result of not knowing about it. The message I take from that article is not that the school needs to improve its teaching of this "phonics" shit, it is that they need to stop wasting the kids' valuable school time even trying to teach it. And the same goes for any other stupid-arse crap that the modern educational system wastes time on. What they should be doing is concentrating on teaching them basic use of English. Thanks to all the bleeding hearts and artistes we now have the situation where the only people under the age of 30 who can even fucking spell properly are those from foreign countries who have learned English as a second language. Just look at the stuff people write on facebook and twitter - anything you can actually understand has been written by someone who is either old or foreign, while people who have had a modern British education write such terminally illiterate shite that they might as well not have been to school at all. Fuck "phonics". Teach the little fuckers to read and write properly and when they get stuff wrong tell them to do it again until they get it right. That works, and it doesn't require knowledge of shit nobody had heard of when I was at school. What it does require is the abandonment of this fucking stupid attitude that you can't get on the kids' case for getting stuff wrong because of the terrible damage it does them to be told they've failed. All that does is produce a situation in which everyone is a failure because they've never been told how not to be, and is too bleeding ignorant to even realise it. Fuck that for an education system.

Unpleasant Country Sights: the sheep caught in the angle of a barbed wire fence which is still alive but has no eyes.

"No results found for "sickle being sick"." Well that just isn't good enough, you hear? There bleeding well ought to be. Sort it out.

Female cats don't ovulate until they've actually had a fuck, because the male cat's cock has spikes on it and it is the having their cunt spiked bit that actually induces ovulation, which brings them off heat. (It also induces them to attack the male cat when he pulls out.) This leads me to wonder if you could bring a cat off heat by making a little model cock out of barbed wire and fixing it to a fluffy toy cat and giving it to the female cat to use as a sex doll. Or maybe you could attach an electrode and a high voltage generator and a cunt detector to the end of their tongue so that when they start licking their cunt they get a shock up it. That would probably be simpler because cats are stupid and have not worked out that the female can go on top which makes it a bit awkward for them to use a sex doll. (Pigeons, being more intelligent, have worked that out, and they don't need complicated sex dolls either because birds don't have cocks (apart from ducks) so they can fuck more or less anything, even flat things like tables. This is just one of many reasons why pigeons are more cool than cats.)

It is tempting to conclude that whoever invented the electric guitar was some kind of fucking genius, but that is to assume that it was a first attempt. And we don't know that. It is entirely possible that whoever it was had already tried inventing electric other instruments and indeed had a shed full of them all sat there doing nothing because they were shit, and the guitar was just the result of some thought process like "fuck this for a game of soldiers, I'll finish this guitar and if that's no good I'll chuck it and invent electric beans that make you fart tunes or something."

Imagine visiting somewhere where there were mice as thick as a normal place's flies (both in numbers and in lack of intelligence). Imagine what walking would be like. Crunch squeak crunch squeak crunch squeak oh for fuck's sake there's one gone up my leg.

Weekends are shit. You can't fucking do anything because everywhere is fucking shut. Which is fucking shit. There's nothing wrong with people having time off, of course. In fact they should have more of it. But there is everything wrong with everyone having time off at the same time. Weekends should be staggered so everyone has theirs at a different and uncorrelated time. That way if you need a blue budgie instead of swearing for two days because all the budgie shops are shut you could at least go to a different shop and make do with a green one, and everything would be much better.

The trouble with reading Discworld books about the Assassins is that I keep getting the first track off Fugazi going through my head.

Wouldn't it be great if turds became explosive on exposure to the air. You could shit off the edge of a tall building and by the time it hit the ground it would have turned into a bomb and it would explode. A bomb from the bum. If you did this in Birmingham it would be a bomb from the bum in Brum.

Arses are for shitting with
Noses are for picking
When you get a nice big lump
Give it a good flicking.

"Turn it up" used to mean what we would now express as "turn it down". This is very weird.

Armies are like budgies except larger and more vicious. The Australian army is budgies and some of them ride on kangaroos.

If homeopathic medicine sellers really do bother with all that multiple dilution shit instead of just bottling distilled water and putting a label on it then they are even more mindlessly fucking stupid than I thought.

The way to tell the difference between a real horse and a rubber horse is to throw it off a cliff and see if it bounces. (Note: real horses that have been binging on Dunlopillo may give rise to false positives.)

Thames Trains is excessively confusing. It could be Taims Trains or Tems Trens. It's a good thing it doesn't happen any more.

One thing about riding horses in the army is that they bounce around so you can't shoot straight but they also make you very conspicuous so being shot is much easier. Another thing is that they explode, but usually only after they have been dead for a bit.

Train drivers ought to drive from the back, using a video screen to see out the front. With them sitting in the front if they crash the train they nearly always die so you can't ask them what the fuck they thought they were playing at.

What the FUCK is this? "The idea is to analyse the events leading up to historic railway disasters with the principles of LSD specification in mind." ... "What can be modelled in LSD?" ... And lots more of the same. Crash bang fire everyone dies. Hey wow, look at the flames, man. Psychedelic! I really dig all that groovy screaming. Hey, check this out! There's a piece of railway gone right through this guy's head! Heavy! Oh look, there's another train coming, can we crash that too? Think of the colours! (crash bang more fire) Flying passengers! Far out! Get a load of this, man!

Powdered rhino horn and tiger's bollocks and all the other stupid crap like that... Why the fuck do people go to so much trouble to get the real thing? Why not just powder up any old yuck that looks vaguely horrible and sell that instead? You don't have to worry about getting trampled on, the profit margin is immensely greater, and it's not like anyone's going to know the difference. It doesn't make sense. They can't be worried that people might complain it doesn't work because real stupid shit isn't any better at not working than fake stupid shit so what's their fucking problem?

Elves are good at most things, but not everything. For instance when Fingon tried to make beer it ended up as keratinous excretions on the end of everyone's digits.

Imagine if when you had a shit the turds came alive and turned into snakes. You'd never have to worry about the toilet monster ever again.

Atheists are funny. Especially the rabid ones like Richard Dawkins. The amount of noise they make yelling and screaming every time anyone mentions religion and the way they insist on shoving their views down everyone's throats at the slightest opportunity make them just as much of a pain in the arse as persistent doorsteppers and extreme evangelists - if not more so, given their tendency to start flame wars all over the internet. It is also amusing when they fulminate against the political aspects of organised religion apparently without realising that Jesus said all the same things.

All sorts of things explode, when it comes down to it, but most of them do it rather shitly. Like broom seed pods and red mites under a magnifying glass and dead whales. OK so dead whales do make an excellent mess and smell but they don't make good proper bangs or get hot and firey or make smoke and you can't use them to do things like make bullets jump out of guns or make great big rocks fall down or dig big holes without bothering with a spade so they are still quite shit really. In fact you usually end up having to dig big holes with a spade just to get rid of them and get really knackered doing it so really they count as very shit. And in case anyone's feeling clever then no, you still have to dig big holes even if you blow them up with proper explosives because they are too soggy to vaporise properly and you just end up with lots and lots of bits. And you get even more knackered going round looking for all the bits and picking them up. You have to use a nuke to do a proper job of it and that is a waste of a good nuke.

The four Fs of the animal world: nourishment, combat, avoidance and reproduction.

Budgies are really useful when hung round the edge of your hat in Australia because they flap their wings and generate a nice breeze to keep you cool. The trouble is they don't last very long because they strangle themselves on the strings, so these days they use corks instead. Corks are quite shit because they don't have wings but sometimes you just have to take what you can get.

Wouldn't it be great if it was possible to vaporise turds actually inside your arse so you never had to shit ever again but just farted a lot instead.

The Sun must be getting fucking desperate if they choose my door to put their content-free promo special through.

Imagine if mice were made of rubber and you could stick a tube up their arse and blow them up until they were the size of a house.

Queen Elizabeth I used to fry parrots in batter and eat them whole. Crunch, crunch, crunch.

Afghanistan and Iran are missing out BIG TIME by failing to take advantage of their not having any copyright laws to provide internet hosting services that the copyright wankers can't touch.

The judge figure from the film of The Wall by Pink Floyd has clearly visible dangling bollocks, but no visible dangling dick. Does this indicate (a) censorship or the fear thereof, (b) its dick is minute, or (c) it has a hard-on?

"Birth" is NOT a FUCKING VERB. There is NO SUCH WORD as "birthed" and anyone who thinks there is needs their fingers cut off so they can't write it.

Seeing the words "cut corner" without focussing and thinking it actually says "clit cooler".

Spanish flu: American disease that within a few months killed ten times as many people as four years of war had done and nobody even noticed.

FUCK YOU TWITTER it does NOT require 220k of SHITE just to display 3500 bytes of tweets. Will you fucking LEARN to use STATIC HTML withOUT all this pointless bloated javashite which makes your site UNUSABLY SLOW. And stuff your fucking t.co redirects up your fucking arse while you're at it. It is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS what links people click on so keep your fucking nose out of people's browsing habits before someone cuts it off.

00126: what the fuck is this phone number? No, it's not a prefix or a dialling code. 00126 is the whole number. Those five digits are all there is. How is this even possible? Anyway the one thing I do know about them is they are yet another bunch of phone spam wankers, so they can fuck off.

If the car/house/whatever has been sold then take the fucking thing OFF the website. Don't leave it up there marked "SOLD" uselessly cluttering the results. If it's not for sale any more I don't want to fucking know about it and if you're updating the ads you can just as easily take it down as mark it "sold".

CMAKE sucks liquid diarrhoea from the anus of a diseased pig.

FUCK HS2. If you're gonna spend 35 billion pounds or however much it is now on the railways then spend it on sorting out all the deficiencies of the existing infrastructure, not on building a duplicate route that we don't fucking need and leaving the rest all shit. And then spend what's left over on some long trains so people actually have room to sit down.

"The terms of the release licence say that the offender must stay out of trouble and avoid all criminal activity." So just like anyone else then.

I wish my cat would have the sense to leave me the fuck alone when I am fucking ill.

Yet another reason for avoiding contact with people: they are diseasy fuckers and keep giving me shitty fucking colds.

From this bottle of vitamin pills: "Food supplements should not be used as a substitute for a varied diet". Bollocks. That's the whole bloody point of them.

"An Aztec gives the hero a magic belt that gives him all the powers of a puma, including flying." That's a bloody clever puma then.

Frogs do exist in space, and have even been photographed with telescopes.

Ehow: quite possibly the most utterly fucking useless website out there. Apparently its selection criteria for "solutions" are: (a) it must be directly copied from one of the first five or so results on Google, so by the time you've found it on ehow you already know about it; and (b) the reason that you're still looking is that that "solution" is completely unhelpful in every way.

"A human brain floating in a jar inside a robot body will have a much reduced oxygen and food requirements [compared to an entire human body]". But it also has a requirement for a shitload of complex chemicals whose concentration must be maintained within fairly narrow tolerances. A robot body that can handle doing that is going to be sodding huge, so for the purposes of reducing the cargo mass a spaceship has to carry (which is the context I copied the quote from) this idea is fucking useless.

So much art is just an excuse to draw tits.

"But for all their handcrafting skill, I don't see them processing nitroglycerine over a cooking fire." Or not for long, at any rate.

"There is no need of describing at length the details of that interchange of languages. Suffice it to say that starting at the very bottom they learned as babies learn, but with the great advantage over babies of possessing fully developed and capable brains." - In fact that is not an advantage, it is a severe disadvantage. Which is why learning a second language takes many years of effort and still results in less proficiency than you have in the language you learned as a baby without even trying.

"Humans kill other species all the time, even those with which we share the common bond of high intelligence. As you read this, hundreds of dolphins are being killed by tuna fishermen and drift netters." - They can't be that intelligent or they would keep out of the fucking way.

If you don't care about parking on the pavement like a cunt for no reason, I won't care about breaking your fucking wing mirror off trying to squeeze past.

America goes like this: sea up down RIVER flat up down HOT up down sea.

WARNING: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN it makes them soggy and harder to light.

To whoever put the BNP election flyer through my letterbox: FUCK OFF YOU FASCIST CUNT.

I have just taken a photo of my underpants.

Conversation between two guys during a chemistry lesson at school:

"Do we do this in a test tube?"
"No, we stick it on the wall and squirt tack on it."

That was, of course, sarcasm. But it seems that Max Gergel's chemical company was quite fond of a very similar technique: start a vigorous reaction going in a 12-litre flask, allow it to get out of control and blurge tack all over the ceiling, wash it off onto the floor by squirting a hosepipe in through the window, mop it up, and purify the moppings. It's a pity he wasn't our chemistry teacher, I think we'd have got on like a lab on fire.

SEO spammers are really, really thick. Offering to increase - by implementing stuff copied straight out of Google's guidelines so I can perfectly well do it myself - my "brand awareness" and profitability, without noticing that I don't have a "brand" and that the site concerned is explicitly non-profit and has no money-making stuff on it as a matter of deliberate policy...

"Water white" is another shit phrase. Water is not white. It is blue, as you can easily see if you have enough of it.

My cat is such a fucking moron. She keeps burying her own food bowl by grabbing bits of rubbish and piling them over the top of it, then acting like she can't unbury it again and expecting me to do it. Sometimes, too, she puts turds out of her shitbox in it. I'd try putting her food in the toilet instead only she'd probably get stuck, or the toilet monster would eat her.

Behemoth: a nocturnal lepidopteran that likes a pint.

One of the interesting things about chemistry is you get rations of tit.

If I say "half a giraffe" my cat runs away.

Giraffes come in many varieties, such as long-wheelbase, short-wheelbase, and dicycle.

A giraffe is a very mixed-up cigarette lighter.

Why don't they just, you know, like, sit down? (Or in the long term, evolve longer necks.)

The space shuttle: "more launches per year gives a lower cost per launch." Bollocks. Each launch costs the same: cost of the fuel + cost of the tank and boosters + cost of taking the whole thing to bits afterwards and putting it back together to make sure it all still works. These things cost the same for each go no matter how many goes you have. Which is bleeding obvious. What we have here is more stupid bullshit of accountants and their cunty ilk making shit up. I wish they and everyone who is stupid enough to believe them would all fuck off and die.

"The conquest of space is too important an enterprise to be entrusted to governments." In which case it is FAR too important to be entrusted to commercial operations.

Why have I only just noticed the similarity between THHGTTG's concept of flying by learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss, and the classic simple description of orbiting as constantly falling but always missing the ground? Aaaarrrrgghhhhhh!

Chicken's tits. I've just found somebody actually using the Rankine scale. Who? Bleedin' NASA. Fuck on a stick.

Those fucking "lightbox" things that cunt websites use to display larger versions of thumbnail images: anyone who installs one should have a dump of its code onto thin spring steel punched cards shoved up their fucking arse.

Stop making up new words for stuff that we have perfectly good words for already.

When I first heard of "Pokemon" I thought it was "Pacman" deliberately spelt wrong as some kind of stupid joke.

Shit Latin joke: calling a wet arse a "you forbid".

"But at last he had felt tired and had thrown himself down to rest on a carpet of moss by a stream." Then he went "Eeeuurgh, I've got a wet arse and I'm covered in muck."

I wish cameras were not so invariably designed to be used with the right eye only. It is a complete pain in the arse because my right eye does not work. Make the bloody things symmetrical or reversible for fuck's sake.

Co-op cheese and tomato baguettes are shit. Why? Because the tomato tastes like actual tomato (bleurgh) instead of like pizza-topping/ketchup/soup/etc processed tomato which is totally different and much, much more pleasant. Since the things are nothing but long pizzas anyway it bloody well ought to taste like the pizza topping version but instead it tastes like shit.

So-called web "designers": Writing code that assumes cookies are enabled is SHIT and constitutes a GRAVE FUNCTIONALITY BUG. If the user is not explicitly LOGGING IN then you should assume that cookies (and all other forms of local storage) are DISABLED and code accordingly. Otherwise you are a stupid cunt who has no business doing that job at all because you are not competent.

Website contact forms NEVER FUCKING WORK. So many of them either do nothing or return some stupid error message for no reason that even when they do appear to have worked I don't believe it. That I never get an answer from them just strengthens that belief. For fuck's sake just put a fucking EMAIL ADDRESS up.

It is a pain in the fucking arse that Minolta AF lenses fit Sony digital cameras. They would be a fuck of a lot cheaper if they didn't.

It also pisses me off seeing people refer to photographic lenses as "glass". Sure, they have glass in them, but so does my right thumb. Just call them fucking lenses and stop being so pretentious.

What is "industrial romance" when it's at home? Injection moulding machines getting the hots for their moulds?

Cat, will you stop bloody jumping on me and being a hot lump when it's too hot already. And stop wiping your head on the fucking table, there are enough bloody cat hairs around getting in things already.

Things That You Find In Places Where You Find Things... Austria: trees and horses. Russia: fast people. The Scilly Isles: divs. The Orkneys: seabirds' leg hinges. Foulness: shit. Germany: germs. Ottawa: otters. Utah: DIY bitumen. Idaho and Oregon: people who have lost prostitutes. Chad: the bits of paper out of hole punches. Ukraine: industrial hoists. Crimea: criminals. Congo: escaping criminals. Somalia: aluminium. Bulgaria: wombles. Serbia: noble ale. Macedonia: a giant bakery. Croatia: Indian crows. Tunisia: someone having his pinna masticated. Syria: mobile phone voice interfaces. The Arctic: lorries. The Antarctic: very small lorries. Crewe: its very own missile. Estonia: potheads. Holland: holes. Chile: cold things. Peru: a man. Kansas: the bottom of a tin. Arkansas: the bottom of the tin that belongs to us. Snowdon: cold wet people. Cardigan: warm people. Flint: hard people. Nine Mile Bottom: incredibly fat people. Bishop's Cleeve: episcopal arse cracks. Laos: ectoparasites. Tibet: wagers on titanium. Suez: shit.

Leo Tolstoy
Went to the Bolshoi
He had a massive wank
And he filled a tank.
Mikoyan and Gurevitch
Walking round a football pitch
One did a shit
The other trod in it.
Catherine the Great
Her twat was in a state
She liked to have a shag
She was a dirty slag.
Andrei Sakharov
Made some nukes go off
And then he had a piss
He knew he couldn't miss.

It is most annoying washing my hands and then discovering that I have acquired smelly fingernails.

Why the dog's arse do people talking about the pronunciation of words use such a fucking stupid and meaningless jargon? None of it makes any fucking sense or gives even the vaguest hint to try and guess what it means. "e denotes the soft e sound, pronounced like ye as in yes". How the cockend is that a "soft e sound"? I'd have guessed a "soft e sound" would be the sound in "we", because it is, you know, soft. The sound in "yes" is not soft at all. It's sharp and abrupt, like a dog's bark. I'd call that a "hard e sound". Oh no, apparently that's something totally different. Fucksake, this is how you'd expect a horse's arse to speak.

"Palatalization could best be described in plain english as adding a "y" sound to a consonant." So why not bleeding call it "adding a y sound", then, instead of inventing a stupid word that doesn't give the remotest indication of what it bleeding means? What it does suggest is having your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth so you sound like Joey Deacon. He didn't add "y" to things. He went "nnnggggmmmuuuuh". It's nothing like. For fuck's sake. And then it goes on to say that the two letters ш ("sh") and щ ("shch") "denote a palatalized and non-palatalized form of the same sound". How the pissing cuntarse fuck do you get "adding a y" from that? Removing a "ch", perhaps. But that is a change in sound so completely and utterly different that there is absolutely no sodding chance of it making sense to describe it with the same word.

Fucking cunts. It's hard enough to describe pronunciation in any case. Doing it with stupid words that make no sense whatsoever and which suggest, if they suggest anything, something so different from what they actually mean that it's not even in the same continent, just makes the whole thing into one giant mess of clusterfucks and has if anything a negative information value - reading it takes you further away from the truth, not closer. So stop fucking doing it you infuriating pricks.

A long long way away, there is a region where the hinge in the middle of your legs is a different type depending on whether you come from the mainland or an island. People from the mainland have chi ones and people from islands have japper.

Incontinent Ballistic Missile - follows a parabolic trajectory while pissing on everything.

The Russian submarine force, keen to keep the men happy on long tours, had prostitutes on the boats. Like the Cunt for Red October.

Every time I see mention of the Russian general Sukhomlinov I find myself hoping that Homlin enjoyed it.

"Russian forces were put under the command of siege engineer Totleben." Is he a German zombie or what?

Incomprehensible American Shit: going on about one of their newsreaders not wanting to say "ass" on TV so he said "arse" instead... What the fuck is that supposed to mean? It's the same fucking word but in American spelling. The different word is "ass"-to-rhyme-with-"mass" meaning "donkey". But he wasn't trying to use the donkey word. He was trying to use the bottom word, "ass" with the a-sound of "bra". In other words "ass" that sounds exactly the same as "arse" but is spelt different. How the pissing fuck is it possible to say "arse" instead of "ass"? It's like saying "colour" instead of "color". It's not possible because they're the same fucking word for fuck's sake. All the fucking American films and stuff I've seen and never once have they sounded like they were talking about a donkey. They clearly and unambiguously sound like they're talking about a bottom. Because they are saying "arse". They might not be spelling it like that in the script but you can't tell from hearing it. So what the cunting shitey dog wank is this flaming dimwit going on about?

North Korea's nukes are the most pointless nukes in the world. Quite apart from them being utterly shit and not bleeding working properly, if they ever actually used them their entire pissy little country would be glassed, either by China or by the US or both. Kim Jong Un is a thick fat shit.

The US nuking Hiroshima and Nagasaki? No, it was not militarily necessary. By then they had got so good at destroying Japanese cities by igniting firestorms with conventional bombs that the nuke people had to specially ask the fire people to not bomb those cities so they would have intact targets to drop nukes on. Otherwise there wouldn't have been any left. They wanted to see what happened.

I do love encountering random Monty Python references.

"Nous sommes les champignons" - Reine

I'm not surprised the Americans were the first to come up with Permissive Action Links when they had headcases like Curtis LeMay in charge of the nukes. Though I'd have thought getting rid of him would be simpler and more effective.

When I was about 7 or 8 I used to like making hypodrools.

Alleged Pompeian graffiti: "Gaius Pumidius Dipilus was here on October 3rd 78 BC". He was a clever bugger, wasn't he?

How the fuck did we ever end up in the situation where the suggestion that someone should pick up dogshit elicits any other response than "go and fuck yourself"? If I had a dog I would take great pleasure in making such a response to any fucking self-righteous arseholes who made such a suggestion. I would then further suggest that they picked it up themselves. Fucking revolting idea. When I was a kid nobody would ever have dreamed of doing such a disgusting thing. People just had to watch where they were putting their feet when they were walking. Like they bleeding well should anyway. And this bollocks about it sending kids blind never actually happened. So if you are so fucking keen on picking up dogshit pick it up yourself and fucking well eat it you vile twats.

All advertisements should be like this, by law.

Voltaire was wrong. He said something along the lines of "work is great because it saves us from boredom, vice and need". Which is arse, as I will proceed to demonstrate.

Boredom: Anyone who is so devoid of creativity as to be unable to figure out what to do with themselves if they haven't got someone telling them what to do is suffering from a severe mental dysfunction. Large parts of their brain are not working, otherwise they'd have no problem thinking up stuff to do. They do not need work, they need treatment. Although it must be said that most people who say this are talking shit anyway, because there's nothing to stop them doing the same stuff they do at work when they're not at work, only they don't, so they're not really doing it for the interest at all otherwise they would. In any case, it's completely fucking back to front anyway. Work creates boredom. Even stuff that is interesting of its own right becomes boring and shit when you are being made to do it, as everyone knows full well from having had to go to school. So that one is arse.

Vice: this does not exist. It is just a shorthand for "stuff people do instead of being bored that the speaker happens to disapprove of". Usually stuff which is particularly enjoyable and effective at occupying one's time, like having sex or getting wasted. Since when has work been preferable to sex? Even porn stars, I imagine, get more fun out of shagging in their free time than they do out of shagging on camera. What we have here is a failed attempt to bolster the "work is necessary to avoid boredom" argument by choosing popular things that people do to entertain themselves outside work and saying they shouldn't be doing them because they are too much fun, which is massive arse and can get fucked.

Need: largely inapplicable. The vast majority of work serves no need whatsoever and would be better not to be done at all. Indeed a lot of it is aimed at making people think there is a need for something when there isn't, and that stuff in particular would be far better eliminated than continued. An average of four hours a week, not bleeding forty, would suffice to fulfil actual needs, and the other 36 hours are just stealing people's precious time and wasting it on total arse.

Voltaire, you score 0 on the first point, 0 on the second point and 10% on the third point, making 3.333% overall. You fail.

Question: "Why would someone have camera flash units on the back of his car which go off periodically?" Answer: "Because he's a twat". In fact that's the answer to an awful lot of things.

Ah, that thing where the flame on the lighter comes out much bigger than anticipated and sets fire to the hairs up your nose and it really stinks.

"Lack of jobs" means that all the work that needs to be done is already being done, and efforts to invent work that does not need to be done have failed. Therefore it is a good thing.

Eh now there's nice. PHOTONS. Lots and lots of photons. Fluorescent fittings rock.

For some reason all kinds of unrelated people at widely varying levels of competence seem to be prone to the same mistake - writing "Something or other." Said Someone. instead of "Something or other", said Someone. What is this? Is it yet another piece of shit introduced by some stupid fucking autocorrect feature which would be more accurately named as a random error-injection feature? Why the pissing fuck do these things even exist and why the festering dog diarrhoea do people not TURN THE FUCKERS OFF?

"Why didn't the Brits wake up to there being a class struggle?" Because we don't know what one is. At the most it is "something to do with Bolsheviks" and since we are not Bolsheviks it doesn't mean anything to us.

Here is a picture of a duck.

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