À Propos de Rien

Random thoughts that aren't worth a page to themselves (4)

Christians, Muslims, and Jews, we may differ on the details, but we all believe in the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob. Therefore we should sort out the mess left by British/French/Ottoman imperialism in peace and unity under the same God. Not fight over it.

Amusing Diesel Memory: a Lister-Petter AD1, driving a generator. "It's getting a bit hot", they said. It was, rather - exhaust glowing red...

Turned out what had happened was some cack had got into the sump, and been drawn into the oil pump. This promptly seized solid and chewed the teeth off its drive gear. The chewed-off teeth then got carried round into the next driven gear round, and smashed that up too. That was the governor drive. So the governor thought the engine wasn't moving, and not only did it wind the fuelling up to maximum, but once the engine had been stopped and started again it never even clicked off the excess-fuel starting setting. And there the thing was going like absolute stink, pumping in as much fuel as it possibly could, and with no forced lubrication. No idea how fast it was going - when I put a rev counter to it it was off the scale. No wonder it was getting a bit hot.

Amazingly, it needed remarkably little doing to it. Obviously the oil pump and smashed gears needed replacing, and also the governor drive shaft which had got bent, but there was very little on top of that. Just cleaning out all the bits of metal and replacing the shell bearings (and if you were a total fucking cheapskate you might even have got away with reusing them, at least for a little while). Bloody tough things those engines. If only the cowling was as robust as the insides...

STUPID TV SHIT: having the reporters who present the news from Parliament actually physically standing outside the bloody place. Shouting to make themselves heard over the traffic noise and the wind blowing into the microphone, and quite likely in the pissing rain as well. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING POINT? Just get the poor sods to say their words inside the studio like the rest of the news presenters do. That way you can hear them properly and it's also a fuck of a lot easier than having the reporter plus camera crew and equipment trog all the way to the HP to make a shitty recording in the rain. And if they must have the HP as a backdrop they can always fucking bluescreen it in for fuck's sake. Like, in fact, they always used to do before they got this fucking stupid idea. Twats.

BURPUT? Where the fuck is Burput? It's Bridport, apparently. It doesn't say this on Google. Well, it will now.

Why So Frail? ...I am referring to people in old books. Victorian books, mostly, although twentieth-century books also feature instances of the phenomenon, with decreasing frequency as date of authorship advances.

Someone goes outside, with some compelling reason to remain outdoors for some time, and it's mucky weather, so they get cold and wet. It's not very pleasant, but these things happen. Then they finish whatever they were doing, come back inside again, get warm and dry, and are perfectly all right. That's the normal course of events. Quite simple, perfectly straightforward, nothing at all unexpected there. I've done it myself loads of times.

Except in old books this doesn't happen. What happens instead is they come back inside and catch a chill. What the fuck is a chill? Some malady that strikes several hours after an experience of being cold and wet, apparently. Except this doesn't fucking happen. We all know this because we've all got cold and wet and not been struck by a chill afterwards, or any other mysterious weird illness for that matter. We can probably identify the word as something our grans used to warn us would happen if we got cold and wet and we used to laugh at them because we knew perfectly well it never did. (They probably got the idea from reading all those old gran-age books.) And by the same token, we still don't know what a chill actually is because real people never have it.

Of course the reason old books do that is that it's a convenient way of having some character unexpectedly and suddenly put out of action for a few weeks, or indeed quite often permanently (either because they die of it or it sends them loopy). Like "consumption" is another handy way of taking some character out of the story, in cases where the plot requires the event not to be sudden or unexpected. Except that one makes sense, because "consumption" is tuberculosis and in the days before antibiotics and vaccines to treat it people did indeed die of it all the time. It's entirely legitimate to have as many of your characters die of tuberculosis as you want, including whole families getting wiped out by it one by one, because that sort of thing happened all the time in real life so it's no strain on the imagination when you have it happening in fiction as well.

But this chill thing, that knocks you right down - and often fatally - some hours after you've finished with getting cold and wet, what the fuck is the real life justification for having that happen all the fucking time? It's not actual hypothermia, which knocks you down while you still are getting cold and wet (or else right after before you've had time to warm up again); it's something that happens after a lapse of several hours so you've warmed up again long ago. And in any case they seem to know fine about hypothermia and generally describe it pretty accurately. Nor can it be just a snooty-arsed Victorian word for a "cold" because the symptoms don't match. Having a temperature and feeling exhausted/dizzy so you go to bed, those happen; snot, sneezes, coughs, dribbling noses and the like do not.

Of course "cold" is also a fucking stupid name for that entirely real disease for much the same reasons: it's got fuck all to do with low temperatures. There's nothing cold about having a cold. And you don't fucking catch it from being cold either. You catch it from other people who already have colds and do not have the decency to keep their snot-spraying infectious bodies in isolation until it wears off, but instead insist on coming into work anyway to sit blearily around doing nothing effective apart from aerosolising their viruses for every other cunt to inhale and come down with the same fucking thing. You catch it from contact with the live virus, not from the fucking weather. If anything cold weather helps you not catch it, because the virus doesn't survive that long outside the human body in any case and coldness helps kill it off all the faster. You just have to avoid the temptation to escape the cold weather by spending more time shut in a box with germy fuckers.

Possibly the most pointless thing I have ever constructed...

Solar cell driving an LED (click for large version)

MORE STUPID BOLLOCKS from the "Leave EU" cunts... This stupid headline: "£150 million is now being dished out from the healthcare budget in foreign aid."

That figure refers to the 2016/2017 contribution from the Department of Health to the ODA (Official Development Assistance) international development fund. The budget for the NHS for 2016/2017 is 120 Billion pounds. So that 150 million amounts to less than half a day's worth, and is even more trivial than the 350 million they plastered over their stupid bus and then admitted was a lie the morning after the referendum.

It does NOT mean that an extra 150 million is taken from the Department of Health budget. The way it works is that money spent to certain ends under certain conditions (see here) becomes eligible to be counted as ODA expenditure. This means things like the UK's subscription to the World Health organisation (which is fuck all to do with the EU), and expenditure on health care for asylum seekers who have arrived in the UK (asylum seekers are also fuck all to do with the EU).

The ODA contribution in total from all UK sources is 12 billion pounds. This is to meet a UNITED NATIONS commitment to provide 0.7% of GDP as ODA. Again, it's fuck all to do with the EU.

The UK does have something called an "EU attribution" for ODA, amounting to 935 million pounds in 2015 (see here). Again this does NOT mean we spend an extra 935 million on anything. All it means is that 935 million of what we would be spending anyway is allowed to be counted as part of the EU's ODA contribution. We would not be spending any less if we weren't in the EU; we'd still be spending the same, it just wouldn't be allowed to count as part of EU ODA any more.

So what do we end up with in reality? (1) That headline is so misleading and bears such a tenuous relationship to reality that the most concise description of it is "a load of arse". (2) The UK being in the EU makes not one fucking jot of difference to whether we would be spending that money or not, and for the "Leave EU" cunts to cite it as a reason for leaving is fucking bullshit on the standard pattern of lies and deception that the "Leave EU" movement relies on completely.

EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CLAIM made by the "Leave EU" cunts that I have ever investigated is like this. Deliberate misrepresentation, bullshit, and outright fucking lies. EVERY FUCKING ONE. And I am fucking pissed off about my country being wrecked by this bunch of lying shitheaded bastards constantly spouting complete fucking bollocks and deceiving everyone who is too thick to check it or too gullible to think it worth the bother. Has anyone worked out how viable it would be to have the fuckers up for treason? Because as far as I can see that's the best description of fuckers who wreck their own country for some personal gain.

Look, shut up about fucking CO2. CO2 is irrelevant. The whole fucking argument about whether human activity is causing climate change is irrelevant. There are two very good reasons for getting off fossil fuels which are no cause for argument, since they are not based on bent politicised science, but on being bleeding obvious; and they have been bleeding obvious for a very long time, and still applied just as strongly when the climate thing everyone was worried about was the next ice age coming on.

One is: finite supply. The stuff won't last for ever. It won't even come remotely close to lasting as long as we currently want it to. People try and deny this but they are talking shit. Everyone knows that when you've eaten all the sweets there aren't any more. They are also talking hypocritical shit, because they're already getting into scraping the goo out of the bong territory (this is what "unconventional sources", as applied to things like oil shale (which is basically shit coal), is a euphemism for). What they're really on about is that if everyone keeps wanting oil while it becomes harder and harder to get, they stand to make shitloads of money out of it. So they can get fucked.

Humans certainly do have a terrible track record for doing bugger all about obviously impending disasters until the shit has already hit the fan and everyone is fucked. Which is all the more reason for trying to avoid the bleeding obvious disaster of running out of oil without having a system in place to take over from it. Much more sensible to develop replacement energy sources as soon as possible before you're forced to, than hang on to oil like grim death and fight wars over the final drops of it (which is what we're set to do at the moment).

Which brings us to the other reason: to stop fucking up the politics of the Middle East and all the other shit politics that result from people who want oil trying to make sure other people can't stop them getting as much as they want. Again, the desirability of this is bleeding obvious. You have to be a blind clodpoll shit-for-brains to fail to see that. Or else an arms dealer or something who's creaming off it, and they can get fucked too.

Ever wondered what Donald Trump would look like if he was a barbecued chicken with a beer can up his arse?

Barbecued chicken with a beer can up its arse and the face of Donald Trump

Not last night but the night before
When the snow was thick and white
A cat scraped a hole with cold wet paws
And did a great big shite.

The radiation from the turd
Soon melted all the snow
And people, in the morning, said:
"Fuck me, where'd all that go?"

The moral of this story is
(Before it bursts your cranium)
That if you want to clear snow
Then feed your cat uranium.

"UUUUUUURRR YOU CAN'T GIVE DOGS CHOCOLATE" - Oh Fuck Off. It's bollocks. How do I know it's bollocks? Because before people started parroting that stupid idea, people used to give dogs chocolate all the fucking time and it WASN'T A PROBLEM. What the cunting shitarsed fuck is it with people that they listen to shite like this even though their own experience and that of everyone else around them ought to be telling them that it is shite? Cunts.

It's the same with "UUUUUUURRR YOU CAN GO BLIND OFF DOGSHIT". Bollocks. Do you know ANYONE who has gone blind off dogshit? Have you ever even HEARD of someone going blind off dogshit? No, you fucking haven't. Because it DOESN'T FUCKING HAPPEN. Load of fucking arse, again.

Learn to distinguish between what's theoretically possible and what actually happens in real life. It's theoretically possible to induce a fission chain reaction in uranium, but in practice there is a tremendous amount of fucking around you have to do first to make it happen. You can't just dig some up and expect it to go. It's the same with dogshit. No cunt goes blind off dogshit because no cunt enriches it and mixes it with a moderator in the right proportions and purifies it free of neutron poisons and all that. So shut the fuck up talking such utter arsery.

The internet is full of shit
It drives me up the wall
HTML5 and javascript
And other sorts of balls.
Adverts, trackers, spyware
Bollocks to them all
They're all for making money
So let capitalism fall.

FFS... Hedy Lamarr DID NOT invent frequency hopping. The Germans were USING it in World War ONE, and there were experiments with it even before that. Only nobody seems to bloody notice because the search results are swamped with bollocks about Hedy Lamarr from Americans who think that America invented everything plus she was a FILM STAR!! And a WOMAN!!! OMG!!!!1!1 Yeah, like, so what. She still didn't invent it because it had been invented already. What she basically did was talk up other people's ideas. And half of it was her husband, which is another thing that nobody mentions because it doesn't fit with their desire to make up false history in a spurious attempt to support some retarded "point". Fucksake if you want cool stuff invented by women there are plenty of REAL examples. Making shit up is pointless and just makes you look stupid.

Nigel Farage's favourite drink

Nigel Farage with a pint of his favourite brew, Xenopho beer

I wish there was a band called Penis Tone and the Clit Heroes.

No, look, fuck this shit.

Sign: please give these seats to special passengers (left, with sticks; right, with kids)

The ones on the left, yes, fine, that's great. The ones on the right - NO. That's a self-inflicted condition resulting from utterly selfish behaviour. I'm sick and fucking tired of breeders not only polluting this grossly overpopulated planet with their spawn, but also expecting - and getting - special consideration for it. Fuck them. The only special consideration they should be getting is a pellet of cobalt-60 in the gonads to make sure they can't fucking do it again.

And especially the one at top right. If you can't control yourself enough to avoid having a fucking kid at least have the decency to leave the screaming little shit at home and not inflict it on a carriage-full of innocent public transport users. A kid has 2 parents: one of them can go on the train alone while the other one stays at home with the kid. Failing to do this does NOT mean you deserve special consideration in the matter of getting a seat, it means you deserve a punch in the mouth for ruining everyone else's journey.

Fuck this shit of pandering to breeders. They should be made to face up to the consequences of their selfish actions, not insulated from them. Maybe they might then be less inclined to fucking do it. The world population needs to be reduced by a factor of at least 10 and the sooner people realise that having kids is a fucking selfish shitheaded thing to do the better.

TURN YOUR FUCKING AUTOCORRECT OFF. Don't just moan about it doing stupid things (while leaving the stupid thing uncorrected). Turn the fucking thing off altogether. This will not only save you having it to moan about, it'll also save all the confusion where you post something containing some really stupid word that makes no fucking sense and causes five minutes of headscratching trying to work out what the fuck it was supposed to be, because the fucking autocorrect has fucked it up and this time you haven't noticed.

What the fuck is it for anyway? Never once have I seen anyone make any comment even faintly to the effect that it is a useful and appreciated feature. But I've seen fuck loads of people post something stupid and then make another post immediately afterwards saying "fucking autocorrect". Or append "fucking autocorrect" after composing the body of the main post. It looks as if not only does the fucking autocorrect do stupid things to begin with, it also makes it impossible to correct them afterwards, so the only recourse is to swear at it. (Is this the case? I don't have anything with it on, so I've never been exposed to the bastard thing myself.) "Autofuckup" would be a better name for it. Just TURN IT OFF, you morons. Stop complaining about it, just TURN IT OFF.

Spelling and grammar checkers, too. If you're over about 10 or so and need a spelling checker then you are a fucking thick cunt. (Unless you're actually dyslexic.) Turn the fucking TV off and read some fucking books. There's no excuse for not being able to spell things correctly as a matter of course without any need to think about it. You're just a moron who can't be arsed. Learn how to fucking spell automatically and then you won't end up producing bollocks documents where the spelling checker has "corrected" a word to something stupid. And the grammar checkers are quite often incorrect by reason of being American, or being unable to determine from their understanding-free lexical analysis which of multiple possible constructions is intended, or just plain being shit. "Microsoft/Apple corporate style checkers" would be a better name for them.

And always, always turn off that fucking shite "smart" (dumb) "punctuation" bollocks. Those utterly arsulous things that replace ", ' and - (ASCII codes 0x22, 0x27 and 0x2d) with some emetic abortion that is about as attractive on the page as would be a dried blob of spunk from the typographer shitheads who wank over it. Particularly objectionable in the case of 0x2d when as well as changing the fucking character they delete the fucking spaces around it, thereby creating a single hyphenated compound word which makes no fucking sense at all in place of the two separate and unconnected words that it was supposed to be. I don't give a living shit about what typographer cunts get off on, they can go and fuck themselves. We got on perfectly well without their vile-looking abortions during the century or so when typing was done on actual typewriters. We didn't lose anything by it - on the contrary, we gained, in simplicity and in intelligibility. Just because computers now mean that we can start using it again doesn't mean we should. Especially since all it does is fuck things up. It's been demonstrated to be pointless continuously for more than a hundred fucking years by now, so turn the stupid shitty feature off and good fucking riddance to it.

The APM, or Ant Producing Machine, was a dead thrush. I found it when I was a kid. If you knocked its beak on the table, ants came out. It seemed to contain an inexhaustible supply of ants, and continued to produce them for all of the several days that I had it.

Pointless School Shit: teaching nine-year-olds about the History Of Architecture. Which they did by making us write a page on each of various different examples of houses through the ages. The only source material we were given was the Ladybird Book of Houses. (Or whatever the title was; Ladybird Book of something, anyway.) This meant, of course, that there was no more than one page of source material for each type of house, and once the facts had been extracted from the waffle it worked out as a few lines at most. Only that wasn't good enough; you'd get told off for not writing enough and made to do it again. What they wanted us to do was to extract the facts and then create our own waffle to pad it out to a page. Which was completely pointless, completely shit, and remarkably difficult, since we weren't allowed to just write "rhubarb lobster sandwich mountain" etc. to fill the space. To write a page of plain bullshit isn't so hard, but to write a page of bullshit that's supposed to look sensible and relevant is a different matter.

The overall outcome was that I remember a sum total of precisely fuck all of what we were supposed to be learning, and can remember only two other things about the exercise at all.

The first of these is the method I adopted to cope with it. After being knocked back two or three times for "not writing enough" I thought "fuck this" and just copied out the relevant page of the Ladybird book verbatim. I didn't expect to get away with it, but I didn't care. What actually happened was that I got full marks for it. So I did all the rest of them the same way with the same result every time. I regard this as conclusive proof of the total and utter pointless futility of the exercise: the teacher obviously wasn't even bothering to read any of what had been written, and was just awarding marks based purely on how much of it there was; I actually could have used the rhubarb lobster sandwich mountain technique, in all probability; and it would have been of equal value, because I recall no more of what I copied out than did the pencil I copied it with.

The other is an entertaining demonstration of subliminal suggestion. The teacher had spent the first part of the lesson blethering to us about Tudor half-timbered houses and had repeated several times that the overhanging upper storeys often came so close to each other that you could lean out the window and shake hands with someone in the house opposite, which had apparently been a staple of social entertainment in Tudor times since they had fuck all else to do. (This does not count as a relevant fact remembered from the lesson since I was aware of it already.) We were then set to write a page about the Tudor house. Having finished copying out the page from the Ladybird book according to my usual method I became bored, and seeking some means of passing the time, hit upon the idea of whispering rude words into the ear of the lad sat next to me in the hope of cracking him up.

It didn't crack him up. He continued with his writing with apparently unshaken concentration, and didn't seem to even notice. But on some subconscious level he evidently did register it. He had just completed one paragraph and was about to begin the next when he suddenly laid down his pen and stared at his paper in absolute gobsmacked horror, exclaiming "Oh, Shit! Oh, Shit!" He remained frozen for several seconds, then grabbed his pencil and began in a panic to shade heavily over a large, neatly-outlined rectangle until no trace of the words beneath could be discerned.

It was fucking funny, and it resulted in the teacher delivering a rant on the preferability of crossing something out by simply putting a line through it over total obliteration and threatening to revoke his privilege of being allowed to write in ink. But I regret to this day that I had managed to avoid cracking up myself and so avoided precipitating the break in concentration leading to the panicked deletion. It would have been much fucking funnier if he had remained unsuspecting to the end and handed in his page to the teacher still unaware that he had described the overhanging upper storeys with the words The houses came so close together at the top that you could lean out the lady's fanny and shake each other's cock.

What the fuck is it with people who "Do Exercise" and write down every possible manifestation of their physiological responses in real time like a fucking trainspotter? Why can't they just admit that what they are doing is so fucking boring they have to resort to trainspotting to stave off brain death and do something that isn't boring instead? Fucksake all they are trying to do is get knackered, after all. It isn't fucking hard. It is piss easy. It is so easy that there is practically no activity that cannot be perverted into a method of getting knackered. So why the fuck don't they choose one of the squiddlety zillion unboring ways to get knackered instead of homing in on the most boring method possible and then having to try and distract themselves from its tediousness?

In a geography lesson the teacher drew a diagram on the board for us to copy down of the Vosges and Black Forest horsts. So I copied it down and labelled it "Black Forest horse" and "Vosges horse" in big silly letters. Had the teacher seen this I would no doubt have been told off for messing about. This would have been misguided. It is the deliberate silliness alone that has ensured that I can remember to this day that the Vosges and Black Forest are horsts and what a horst is.

Fuck me, people don't half bleeding talk some utter bollocks... Look at this fucking dick on wikipedia, talking about the causes of World War 1:

"The traditionalist theory of "Entangling Alliances" has been shown to be mistaken. The Triple Entente between Russia, France and the United Kingdom did not in fact force any of those powers to mobilize because it was not a military treaty. Mobilization by a relatively minor player would not have had a cascading effect that could rapidly run out of control, involving every country."

Er... have you not noticed that THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT FUCKING DID HAPPEN? I mean, I can imagine some deluded optimist making that argument a hundred years ago trying to convince people (probably themselves) that it was not all going to kick off, but for someone writing now, as this tit is, to try and argue that it wasn't going to happen when it bleeding well did happen just beggars belief.

SPAZZY-ARSED 5p BAGS: FUCK OFF. Plastic bags plastic bags plastic bags what the FUCK is all the fuss and bollocks about fucking plastic bags? Of all the things that consume oil fucking plastic bags are right down the bottom of the list. It uses many times less oil to make a couple of bags to carry my shopping home in than it would for me to drive the half-mile to the shop and drive back again instead of walking it. Plastic bags amount to FUCK ALL and making a massive great fuss about them while ignoring all the enormously vaster wastes of oil that go on all around is fucking ridiculous.

If they want to do something serious about "the environment" and oil consumption, something that really would make a massive difference (and improve a load of other things as well), then they should STOP MAKING PEOPLE WORK ALL THE FUCKING TIME. 90% of work is useless and therefore should not be done in any case, regardless of any other considerations, so there's a very easy target. 90% of work does nothing but waste resources. Stop making people do it and you have immediately made a MASSIVE difference to resource usage and pollution and all the other shit that it causes. Just the reduction in fuel use by people not travelling to do it every fucking day would be sodding enormous, never mind all the stuff that is wasted by them doing whatever pointless activity they do when they get there.

And shop assistants - DON'T insist on asking me if I want bags. Yes, of course I fucking want bags. I'm not going to be carrying all this lot home in a pile in my arms or whatever, am I? Just give me the fucking bags anyway. It's bad enough that this moronic fucking 5p charge exists. The best thing you can do is just say nothing at all and allow me to continue ignoring it. Do NOT insist on throwing it in my face every fucking time so I am reminded of it and spend the whole walk home fuming over the stupidity of the whole fucking idea. I am not going to stop using bags just because some stupid bastard in a suit and with about the same intelligence as a fucking suit thinks it's OK to hassle me over it. That just makes me all the more determined to carry on using them. But I am going to be pissed off about being hassled over it for no fucking reason and the more I am hassled the more pissed off I will be.

Why the fuck do you even bother with it anyway? The bags themselves do not get scanned. The system does not know if you've handed out a bag or not unless you tell it so just don't fucking bother telling it for fuck's sake.

Shop assistants, indeed, are a good example of useless work. There are machines which can do it instead and so the machines should be doing all of it. One person to supervise a bank of 10 or 20 machines in case one of them throws a wobbly is far less of a waste of people's precious time than 10 or 20 people doing a fucking machine's job. And a further advantage of the machines in this specific context is that they can't see whether you've taken any bags or not so you can just press the button to say you haven't and carry on as usual.

"The Incredible Voyage", by Tristan Jones... OK so we know that a lot of what he wrote was balls, but it still grates when it is such blatant balls that it doesn't even make sense.

He says that he arrived in Puerto Suarez with the Sea Dart on the train, intending to carry on to Ladario where the railway met the River Paraguay and there get back on the water. Only the railway to Ladario turned out to be closed and lifted. His first idea then was to go to Corumba instead and launch the boat there, only they wouldn't change his ticket and he didn't have the money for a new one. So, he says, he had to drag the boat by hand with rollers and winches for 16 miles all the way along the disused trackbed from Puerto Suarez to Ladario, which turned out to be nothing more than a rotting pier surrounded by jungle, launch the boat, fight his way down the river through the jungle, and finally negotiate the Paso de Moros rapids before conditions became reasonable again.

Only... Ladario is not a rotting pier connected to Puerto Suarez by a disused trackbed. It is a town. It does still have a working railway. And it is the next town downriver from Corumba. Going to Ladario from Puerto Suarez means you have to go through Corumba on the fucking way. So even if the railway to Ladario really had been disused it wouldn't have mattered, he could have just gone to Corumba and stopped there and launched the boat. He didn't need a new ticket.

But more than that, he didn't need to go anywhere beyond PUERTO fucking Suarez in the first place. It didn't just get called that for no fucking reason. It got called that because it is a FUCKING PORT. Along with Puerto Aguirre and Puerto Quijarro which are essentially in the same place, it is the closest thing Bolivia has to a port connected to the Atlantic. The head of navigation of the Paraguay River is at Caceres, in Brazil, which is quite a long way further upriver.

And yes, the nigh on impassable river... isn't. It's not a little narrow thing with jungle branches hanging over it to catch in the mast. It's a great big wide cunt. It's several times wider than any non-tidal stretch of river in Britain. Boats which are a fuck sight bigger than Sea Dart use it. And the terrifying Paso de Moros rapids, as far as I can make out, simply don't exist. The only references I can find to them at all are in Tristan Jones's writing. No other bugger seems to have heard of them at all. Which isn't too surprising really, since there were never any Moors in South America for them to be named after.

Yes, by all means write a yarn, but for fuck's sake don't write it so sloppily that it falls down as soon as you look at a map.

Not wanting sex, so it appears, now qualifies as a medical disorder and you can get drugs to treat it.

This is fucking weird. How can NOT wanting something be a problem? I don't want millions of things and I don't give a toss. It's when you DO want things that it creates problems: you either have to go through all the hassle involved in getting them or put up with not having them. Not wanting them in the first place means you avoid all that - it creates the absence of a problem.

Especially when the thing concerned is sex, which has been famed throughout human history as the thing which is most likely to cause problems through people wanting it, because they want it a lot, get disproportionately miserable about not getting it, and do fucking stupid things in order to try and get it. Just look at the content of most of the literature from any period of any culture: that is what it is about, because it is a theme that is universally understood.

Short of not wanting food and shelter, which don't count because you physically can't do without them, not wanting sex is the single biggest thing you can do to avoid humungous amounts of hassle and grief. People who find themselves not wanting sex are a lot better off than people who do want it because there's a whole lot of shit that simply doesn't happen to them. They are lucky bastards.

Something that makes your life easier is not a disease and does not need treatment. "Not wanting sex disorder" isn't a disorder. It's trying to change it that is a disorder. Wilfully seeking to avoid an easy situation and bring pain and grief on yourself instead is bonkers, and if they're getting treatment for anything it should be for irrational masochistic tendencies.

And then on top of that is the sinister fact that the diagnostic categories are different for men and women: for men they are all just different shades of not wanting sex, whereas for women they are that and not wanting sex but having it anyway and not enjoying it. That is NOT a fucking disease. That is BEING RAPED. It's not a case of the woman needs to see a doctor, it's a case of the other participant needs to be seen by the fucking police.

Example of how normally sensible people throw sanity completely out of the fucking window when it comes to accountants' bullshit: A chap who normally has his head screwed on pretty well when it comes to railways disparages the remarkable improvement of the ECML in state hands, citing "No need to amortise over term of Ownership/no real cost of money" as reasons why it somehow doesn't count.

Let's look at what that means in normal language shall we? "No real cost of money" means they got the money without having recourse to the services of usurers, so they didn't then have to waste money paying fucking interest. This is a GOOD thing.

"No need to amortise over term of Ownership" means they did NOT do a really really stupid thing, viz., PRETENDING that simply owning shit meant they had to PRETEND to pay a certain percentage of its cost every year and further PRETEND that they somehow really had lost this money even though it was all PRETEND and they did not in reality pay anybody anything. They did NOT artificially make themselves less profitable by arbitrarily deducting a TOTALLY IMAGINARY sum of money from their profits. So this is also a GOOD thing.

That the state-owned ECML was doing these things does NOT in any way count against them. On the contrary, it DOES count against OTHER operations that they DO do these things. Because they are incredibly fucking stupid things and nobody with half a grain of sense would do them. Getting money from usurers and then being crippled by having to keep paying it back with interest is fucking moronic. Pretending your profits are less than they really are because you're deducting some imaginary sum that never fucking existed is so utterly mindlessly idiotic that it beggars belief, and only a total lunatic would think otherwise.

The state-owned ECML was doing things the way EVERYONE ought to fucking do them, and the utter shitbrains in government, accountancy and anywhere else who are so lacking in mental capacity as to be unable to see something so blindingly fucking obvious need a sledgehammer applied to their skulls until some fucking sense has been pounded into them. Or until they are dead, which is more likely, and no loss because the fewer brain-dead morons we have in positions of power the better.

Major fucked the egg lady
Profumo fucked Christine
And Monica sucked Clinton's dick
And Cameron, over drinks one day
Put his penis in a pig
Apparently 'cause he was rather sick.

David Cameron fucked a pig
Fucked a pig
Fucked a pig
David Cameron fucked a pig
All in an Oxford orgy.

(Tune: Here we go round the mulberry bush)

Gordon Bennett, there's even a picture of Cameron and his lover...

David Cameron and his pig

"I lead my party for 10 years; do they call me Dave the Leader? I was PM; do they call me Dave the PM? No. But you fuck ONE pig..."

I lead my party for 10 years; do they call me Dave the Leader? I was PM; do they call me Dave the PM? No. But you fuck ONE pig...

This thing about "the universe is destroyed and immediately recreated every instant" is one of the most outstandingly fucking stupid pieces of philosophical bollocks anyone has ever come up with. Quite apart from it being bleeding obvious that it's impossible, it's also bleeding obvious that it doesn't fucking happen and there is not one single tiny thing anywhere to suggest otherwise. As an example of the way philosophy is all about making up some pointless deep-sounding utter shite and then insisting that it is both true and meaningful even though you've just pulled it out of your arse, it can hardly be bettered.

Blackboard chalk isn't chalk. It's gypsum. Calcium fucking sulphate, the cunts. I wish I had known this at school because I never understood why it was that when I nicked some blackboard chalk and took it into lunch and put it in the vinegar it didn't fizz. I thought it must be due to whatever sort of binder or size they used to make it into sticks somehow coating the grains and making them waterproof so the acid couldn't get at it, which in turn led me to repeat the experiment several times to test hypotheses like maybe the stuff I'd used last time they'd gone overboard with the binder and I'd get a better result with new stuff from a different batch, or maybe if I crushed it up fine enough I could expose some raw chalk and get it to work, etc. It never occurred to me that it was actually a different fucking chemical entirely and what I should be doing was roasting the fuck out of it in a big oven and then using it to immobilise broken bones.

Still, at least I did always know that the stuff in the middle of a pencil was not lead but graphite.

Once when I was little I saw a bloke with one arm in the swimming pool. He was swimming, with his one arm. And the three-inch stump which remained of his missing arm was doing swimming movements as well and it looked really horrible.

Expulsion of gas from the anus
May make a most resonant sound
Or smell worse than fifty tramps' trainers -
It's most satisfying all round.

The Three Ages of Colour:
In the really old days, everything was brown except the women with their tits out, who were pink.
In the not as old as that old days, all colour had disappeared and everything was grey, even the women with their tits out.
These days, everything is lots of different colours except the women with their tits out, who are pink and brown.

"Apparently dressing well improves the holistic ambiance of a brain struggling with esoteric things like coding. That in turn improves the quality of the software products that it delivers", says this article, quoting a cunt. Well, I have no idea what the shuddering fuck "improves the holistic ambiance" is supposed to fucking mean, but it doesn't matter, because the conclusion is utter bollocks. When your brain is "struggling with esoteric things" it is always easier if you are free from distractions and irritations. Everyone who has ever done it knows this (and it is apparent that the author of the quote does not have the mental capacity to do it). This means that dressing "well", as they call it, makes your code worse. The optimum style of dress for producing good code is whatever is most comfortable. Comfortable clothes and clothes which fit the conventional definition of "dressing well" are disjunct sets. So HP can fuck off.

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town
Upstairs and downstairs in his night gown.
Banging on the window, shouting in your ear:
"Are the children all in bed? Jimmy Savile's here!"

Don't make out you're some kind of fucking heroic martyr just because you pay income tax. You are not "contributing to society". You are not contributing to anything except the perpetuation of a moronic and inefficient system which entirely needlessly and wholly artificially ties government finances to individuals' incomes. If the fuckers had any fucking sense, then instead of the system giving you money and then taxing some of it away again, it simply wouldn't give you the taxed amount in the first place.

Sorry Mr Will -
The trouble with King Lear
Is you write "Goneril"
And I think "Gonorrhea".

When he saw her squeezing spots for pus (doop be do do doo doo doo)
He had to wipe away the tears (doo de doo doo do do doo)
Her face was older, like the back of a bus (doop be do do doo doo doo)
And her eyes were on the beer (doo de doo doo do-do doo...)

Thank fuck, there is at least SOMEONE in the West - and moreover a someone who appears to have been in the FO in times gone by - who has NOT swallowed all the fucking propaganda about Russia and the Crimea...

"Crimea has been dominated by Russian speakers for centuries, and the threat to them was the NATO-supported (even if not actually sponsored) coup that overthrew the democratically elected pro-Russian government of Ukraine, which followed it up by discriminatory anti-Russian legislation. The fact that it was part of Ukraine at all was purely an artifact of administrative action of 1954. That is indicated by the fact that the vast majority of the inhabitants voted to join Russia."

(From here.)

Won't, won't you eat me
A decomposing budgerigar is waiting there to meet me
Won't, won't you eat me
A decomposing budgerigar to wings and flesh and feet me
A budgerigar's behind
If I could chew your mind
You'd better chew it back or we will BOTH... EAT... BUDGIES...

Won't you eat my budgie?
Falling down the loo-ooo-ooo-oo

This is near the cave where the cunts of the cuntless cattle are.

Buying houses to rent them out should be banned, and anyone currently doing it should be made to give the houses to the people who are living in them. Anyone who is able to buy houses to rent out self-evidently already has way more money than they need, and should not be allowed to use it to extort even more money from people who don't have enough.

Nice to see Google using a bit of Pitspeak today. You are a fish, in sonk on test.

You are a fish, in sonk on test

Napoleon was known for eating budgies
He ate the little buggers all the time
Just when you thought he'd finished eating budgies
He'd call the cook to bring another nine.
The pillock had no notion where they came from
(Australia had never crossed his mind)
So to secure supply
Of the stunted papagei
He invaded Russia. Oops! Mistake, big time.

FURTHER FINANCIAL FUCKWITTERY: It was announced today that the replacement for the Atlantic Conveyor, the container ship lost in the Falklands conflict, will be built in Japan UK's index of inflation has become negative for the first time in fuck knows how long (since the 60s, apparently). Yippee! At fucking last! Only they aren't saying "yippee", they're whining and binding about it as if it was something really awful. Because they are fucking idiots.

Deflation means SHIT GETS CHEAPER. This is a GOOD thing. It means it is easier to buy it. It also carries on getting cheaper, so if you don't have quite enough money all you have to do is wait. You don't have to fuck about getting more money and trying to do it faster than the price goes up. It already is like this with computer stuff, of course, and this is really useful. Deflation means it's like that with everything, so that is even more useful.

Deflation means INDEPENDENCE FROM BANKS. If you have a stash of money you don't have to worry about it getting progressively less useful over time and you don't have to put it in a bank and hope it gets enough interest on it to compensate. You can just stick it under your mattress and it will get progressively more useful over time without any need to do anything or involve anyone else. And the banks then don't get to play their fucking games with it so they become less and less relevant and with a bit of luck will end up dying out altogether, or at least ceasing to be the recipients of so much governmental arselicking. Again, this is all a GOOD thing.

The reason they are whining and binding about it, apparently, is that they have a totally arse about face view of the point that you can effectively get more money without doing anything just by waiting. They think it is a bad thing that people are likely to wait to buy stuff after it has got cheaper instead of buying it straight away. But people buying less stuff is a GOOD thing. It means other people do not have to do so much work manufacturing and distributing and selling it, and it means the consumption of resources by these activities is reduced. Less work and less waste are both obviously GOOD things.

And they are also saying that people will over time get paid less and they are objecting to this. Except that it doesn't matter if you get less money when shit is cheaper so you need less money to start with. And in any case getting paid less will lag behind things getting cheaper so you're still better off than you are when things get more expensive and getting paid more lags behind that.

I am sick and fucking tired of having to live in conditions set by these stupid fucking cunts who get really fucking obvious things completely back to front and upside down and make every fucker's life more difficult except their own.

To the people who, following the election result, are moved to anger at having to share a country with so many fucking thick cunts: now you know how I feel all the fucking time.

More fuckwitted accountancy bollocks: There was an article in the local paper about the local hospital getting in a tizz because they had gone over their budget (and never mind that it shouldn't bloody matter in the first place). They then "solved" the problem in a manner which was apparently quite acceptable to the fucking accountants but as far as any normal person is concerned not only shows very clearly that the accountants are totally off with the fairies but also shows that the whole matter of the budget is off with the fairies too. What they did was take some of the hospital's high-tech medical machinery and say that instead of pretending that it is worth X pounds we will instead pretend that it is worth Y pounds. Since Y != X (I can't remember whether it was Y < X or Y > X and I can't work it out because the whole thing makes no fucking sense at all in any case) this meant (in accountants' fairyland) that they had |Y-X| more pounds to put into the budget and now they weren't over the budget after all. Hurrah!

For fuck's sake have you ever heard anything so fucking idiotic? This is like me going into Sainsbury's and saying "I used to pretend my computer was worth £400, but now I only pretend it's worth £350" and they say "that's fine, take £50 worth of shopping". It's fucking great. I can give myself as much money as I like just by saying that some of my shit is worth so much and then saying it's worth something different. Why does anyone ever bother trying to print forged notes? All you have to do is make up two numbers which differ by the amount of money you want and bingo. And unlike printing forged notes you can't get done for it because according to the accountants it's perfectly legit. So why is it, then, that normal people actually can't do this and it only works for hospitals? And why does the hospital bother having a budget at all when they can just make up the fucking numbers and get away with it? Come to that, why does the government ever worry about how much the NHS costs when they can give it an unlimited supply of money just by making it up?

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS SHIT MEAN? "...jabronie marks without a life that don't know it a work when you work a work and work yourself into a shoot,marks" It makes no fucking sense whatsoever. "A work when you work a work". What a pile of pissing arse. Stupid twat. Fucksake you great divot, if you are too thick to string a fucking sentence together then don't bother using twitter in the first place.

Anyone who voted Conservative in the fucking election: I hope you're fucking ashamed of yourselves.

IT WASN'T RATS that caused the failure of Brunel's atmospheric installation on the South Devon Railway. Everyone keeps saying it failed because rats ate the leather sealing flap, but this is bollocks. It happened, but it wasn't that much of a big deal. It failed because of FUEL CONSUMPTION. All those stationary engines going all the time to keep the pipe evacuated used a shit load of fuel and ordinary locomotives were just plain cheaper.

Also, of course, there was the huge problem that you couldn't do points with it because how the fuck do you switch the pipe. And on top of that no bugger had bothered to do some very simple sums which would have shown that the idea that it "made light of gradients" was complete arse. The pipe was 15 inches diameter which with atmospheric pressure at 14.7psi gives an absolute maximum possible pull of 2600lb, ie. a bit over one ton. In practice you might be able to reckon on about half that, what with incomplete exhaustion, leaks, and shit. So on the 1 in 36 gradient of Dainton bank it wouldn't have been able to cope with a train weighing more than 20 tons or so, which was fuck all even then, and it's probably just as well that they junked the idea before they got that far.

RACING FRASER: Did you have a RACING FRASER at school? Or did you know someone who had a RACING FRASER? Join the RACING FRASER Reminiscences Club at blah de blobble woffle blah.

There are two reasonable answers to the question of how much a railway bridge, tunnel, viaduct etc. is worth:

1) Nothing, because it's only useful as part of the railway it's part of, and no bugger is going to pay to buy something they can't use.

2) However much it would cost you to build a new one if it fell down in the middle of the night.

Accountants, however, have a different answer which is almost entirely stupid. They start off with how much it cost to build it; this is the only part which is not stupid, as at the start that is the same as what it would cost to build it again if it fell over. But then they say that you have to knock a bit off that every year. This is completely stupid because it's just made up and is also back to front. If anything you should add a bit on every year because building things usually does get more expensive over time. You only knock a bit off if there is some advance in bridge construction technology that makes it cheaper to build a new one than it would otherwise be, or something along those lines.

They then compound the stupidity by saying that you have to pretend that the bit you've knocked off is actual real money the same as if you'd spent it. This is completely moronic because you haven't spent anything and no money has changed hands or indeed done anything at all. But the accountants say that you have to do this stupid pretending thing to the extent that if some official whatsit asks you how much money you've got you have to lie and give an answer based on how much money you've really got minus this stupid pretend figure. I think they've even managed to fuck up the legal system so it's actually illegal to tell the truth and if you don't incorporate the right made up shit in your answer you can go to prison for it, which is fucking ridiculous.

And then on top of this, they say that you are allowed to skip the stupid pretending shite if you use a fucked up version of the first reasonable answer instead of a fucked up version of the second one. It is apparently allowed to say the bridge isn't worth anything - and indeed that's what everyone did from when the railways first started up until 1967 or something - but if you do that you then can't (not "shouldn't" or "aren't allowed to", but actually "can't") replace it if it falls down, only this doesn't matter because you have no reason to replace it anyway.

It doesn't seem to bother them that this is so utterly fucking stupid that it beggars belief; they appear to be totally unaware of reality and think their idiotic made up bollocks is a suitable substitute. What did railway companies do before 1967 if a bridge fell down? They replaced it. Of course they fucking did. There was no "can't" about it. They replaced it for the extremely fucking good reason that the railway was fucked without it. (OK, I'll grant the exceptions where they were after closing the line anyway and the bridge falling down gave them a good excuse, but that's not relevant.) They didn't believe moronic accountants telling them they lacked the ability to replace it and it didn't matter anyway. They knew fucking well that it did matter and they did have the ability to replace it, so they did. But the stupid fucking accountants are just as happy to pretend that's all made up as they are to make up pretend amounts of money that you don't have. The fact that you can actually go out and see shit that fell down and was rebuilt before 1967 and ride a fucking train over it doesn't seem to worry them at all.

I'm not making any of this up. It may sound totally unbelievable but it's all fucking true. I got it from some bugger who has spent all his life being an accountant on railways and is now a very senior one. He wrote all the stuff I have relayed here only in a different form because of course he didn't care that it was all completely fucking insane and so felt no need to fill his description with swearing about how fucking insane it is. No wonder the railways are always in a fucking state if they are being run on a basis of a load of fuckwitted made-up bollocks which entirely ignores reality and is completely the other way round from what actually exists.

George Osborne is a twat. Quote from linked article:

"Where is the fairness, we ask, for the shift worker leaving home in the dark hours of early morning, who looks up at the closed blinds of their next door neighbour sleeping off a life on benefits".

1) And every other fucker is asleep as well. What about them?

2) The "unfairness" is not that the sleeping people don't have to get up, but that the non-sleeping person does.

Sick and fucking tired of this constant bollocks of encouraging people who work to be jealous of those who don't. Fucksake. Of course working is shit. But for fuck's sake attack the right fucking target. What they ought to be doing is encouraging people who work to be angry at the system that makes them fucking work. 90% of work is unnecessary and a 4-hour working week could perfectly well be the norm if they got rid of all the unnecessary work. If anyone should be the target of the ire of people who work it should be the cunts who perpetuate the shit and stupid system of unnecessary work. Which is (a) cunts like Osborne, and (b) people who work but do not question the system. And the more people on benefits the better because the fact that millions of people aren't working and it doesn't cause a problem is fine evidence that people do not need to work all the fucking time and makes the stupid shit system that much less sustainable. Fucksake.

The difference between a Class 47 and a Class 50 is like this: On a two hour journey, the Class 47 will reliably and dependably arrive 10 minutes late. The Class 50 will either be bang on time, or several hours late having shat itself at the three quarter point.

Encountered another variant of the "benefits/job/dependence" crap (see below) today... well, I've also encountered it before, but it's encountering it again today that has reminded me of it now. Some election puff from I forget which party about "helping people to support themselves instead of being on benefits". Presumably by means of land grants, education in agriculture, giving them a few cows to start them off, and stuff like that, only they didn't explain where they were going to get the land from...

Only they didn't actually mean that. In fact they didn't mean "support themselves" at all. What they really meant was helping people to get an employer to support them instead of getting the benefits system to do it. In other words, no worthwhile change; all they're after doing is getting people to do a larger amount of pointless crap in order to be given money. Which is fucking daft. Just give them the money anyway without wasting their time and all the supporting resources to do all the pointless crap.

How the fuck did we end up so besotted with this moronic idea that people should only be allowed the means to obtain food if they spend all day winching buckets of water out of a well and then pouring them back in again, while people with the sense not to get involved with such futile bollocks should be punished? The purpose of work is to get stuff done that needs to be done. Not to make money; that's just arse that has got tangled up in it. And certainly not to do stuff that doesn't need to be done and would be better not to be done to satisfy some unutterably moronic notion of collective masochism that says people shouldn't have good things unless they suffer for it. Yet that is what we use it for. We are mired in this idiotic notion that people have to do stuff to be given money regardless of whether the stuff needs doing or not, and we invent a whole vast slew of futile and pointless activities so that people can be made to do them to be given money, instead of just giving them the money anyway for doing nothing, despite doing nothing being more valuable than doing useless shit. The whole thing is fucking loopy.

The People's Flag is faded pink
It's not as red as people think
And when they come, as come they may
They'll rule the land the Fascist way
And when they come, as come they must
They'll roll the Red Flag in the dust
The People's Flag is faded pink
It's not as red as people think.

More Shit I Really Do Not Get: people who describe being on benefits as being "dependent" and being employed as being "independent". This is complete bollocks. They are BOTH "dependent". One is being dependent on the DSS and the other is being dependent on the employer. It makes no sense to call either of them "independent". To be independent is to have enough money already stuffed under your mattress to live on for the rest of your life without having to depend - see, there's the clue - on other people or organisations giving you more. And if anything you are more dependent on an employer than you are on the DSS, because you have to spend vastly more time jumping through hoops and licking arses - like every fucking day all day all fucking week - to get an employer to carry on giving you money than you do the DSS. You even have to lick the employer's arse by omission (to coin a phrase) while you're in bed, because you can't, say, on finding that you can't sleep decide to take your mind off it by posting on facebook that they are a bunch of wankers, whereas you can with the DSS. For anyone to characterise employment as "independence" is just plain fucking barmy.

Shit I Really Do Not Get: this, which I have just discovered on Some Web Page Somewhere...

One always has to have the greatest sympathy for any train driver who hits someone, because at the end of the day they have virtually no ability to make any difference to the outcome. They can just sound the horn, slam on the brakes and then pray the train stops in time, or the person gets out the way. Its no surprise that it hits some people extremely badly...

This sounds entirely arse about face to me. Having "no ability to make any difference to the outcome" ought to make it less of a problem, not more. It means it is totally not your fault at all and therefore there is no reason to feel bad about it. After all millions of people die every day in circumstances you have no ability to make any difference to. Just because in one case you happened to be there to see it doesn't make it your fault. Exactly the same thing would have happened if someone else had been driving the train instead or indeed if it was an automatic train with nobody driving it. It's not "no surprise", quite the opposite, it just totally fails to make sense.

Spooge Street station roundel, London Underground

Spooge Street station roundel, London Underground

I don't support gay marriage for the same reason that I don't support straight marriage either, or any other sort of marriage for that matter: it is fucking stupid. If your relationship is not complete without a piece of fucking paper then there is something really badly wrong with your head.

Paul Theroux's "Great Railway Bazaar" is shite. For a start, the title is misleading; it's actually very thin on railway content. What it actually is is him visiting a load of third world shitholes and treating the locals like idiots. He seems to think it's funny to present everyone he meets as a complete dimwit. Only it isn't, it's just shite.

It's high time they stopped with this shit of having the length of trains dictated by the shortest platforms on the line. They should just carry on like they always used to, and have long trains that you walk down the length of to get on or off at short stations. It was fine for 150 years like that so it's still fine now. So what if it means that it is possible for people to try and get off where there isn't a platform and fall down and hurt themselves. That's their own fault for being incredibly fucking stupid. Just how fucking dense do you have to be to blithely step off into a fucking great void and not notice there's nothing there? Anyone who's that bleeding stupid has no place going out without a minder to begin with. Even babies are more intelligent than that - as in that famous experiment with the glass floor. Fucksake. But instead we get the ridiculous situation where everyone has to put up with being packed like sardines into a titchy little short train just in case there happens to be someone on board with less ability to look after themselves than someone who can't even walk yet. Which is shit.

And while we're at it we can also get rid of the stupid shit where there is so much idiotic red tape involved with even the smallest modifications that building a longer platform takes longer and costs more than building a new housing estate. That is not hyperbole - it really does cost that much. In the old days they'd just have gone in one weekend with some bricks and by Monday morning it'd have been done. These days it takes so long and costs so much just to piss around with stupid amounts of pointless bureaucratic bollocks that it never gets done at all. Which just makes things worse for everyone and better for no-one and therefore it is shit and they need to fucking pack it in.

The Ladbroke Grove rail accident in 1997 was primarily caused by the Thames Trains driver being inadequately trained, inexperienced, and unfamiliar with the area, as a result of corner-cutting and penny-pinching arising from the privatisation process. But the official report on the accident barely mentions this. Instead it does its best to avoid any criticism of the effects of privatisation and so largely ignores the principal problems and is useless in terms of getting anything done about them, and something like 90% of its immense length is a load of waffle and bullshit about largely irrelevant crap to try and make it look as if it has actually done something useful and disguise its utter fucking uselessness under a torrent of words. It is basically a load of bollocks designed to pander to the media and the politicians, and if you're going to produce a report like that you'd be better off not fucking bothering at all.

I don't give a steaming shuddering fuck what the politicians and the private companies would think of a report that came straight out and said "thanks to privatisation the railway is now in the hands of cunts who put profit before everything else, and as a result the trains are being driven by untrained rookies who haven't got a clue what they're doing". If people are offended by being told they are to blame and to sort their fucking ideas out then fuck them. They are to blame so they need to be told about it and made to stop acting the arse, and fuck whether or not they like it.

Weil's Disease - What the fuck is this shit? People keep going on about this these days and how you can get it from rats. But... rats have been around for fucking centuries, whereas up until maybe 10-15 years ago no fucker ever even mentioned Weil's disease. So what the fuck is the deal with it? Either some totally new disease has appeared in the last 10-15 years which didn't exist before, which I don't think is very likely...


...Weil's disease has been around for fucking centuries too, but the chance of actually catching it is so low that up until 10-15 years ago no fucker CARED about it. Up until some fucking shithead health and safety cunt found out about it and thought it would be the ideal next thing to add to their list of million-to-one chances to make a massive stupid great cunt's fuss about. Up until some spastic-arsed ambulance-chasing fuckdribble of a lawyer cunt came up with a way to add "catching a disease off a wild animal" to the list of stupid things that you can legally blame some other bugger for and sue them for it, for fuck's sake. Of course it would make more sense to sue the fucking rat for giving it to you, or sue God for causing the disease germs to evolve, but rats don't have any money and God's not paying, so they don't do that.

So SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT FUCKING WEIL'S DISEASE. If the reality is that it's so hard to catch that up until quite recently no fucker had bleeding heard of it, then it still is that hard to catch and all the fucking bleating is just yet another load of paranoid stupid shit of the kind of which there is fucking way too much already these days and we don't need any fucking more of it.

It's like dogshit. When I was a kid no fucker even dreamed of bitching at people for not picking up dogshit. Everyone understood that there was no way you could get anyone to do something so utterly fucking gross as picking up a fresh warm steaming dog turd and carrying it around with you. Then some stupid cunt started whining and moaning about "kids can go blind from it". Oh fuck off. Yeah, when I was a kid there were other kids going blind from dogshit left right and centre, it was terrible. Oh, wait, no, actually it never happened at all and the idea that it might only ever occurred to people studying parasitology. Fucksake. Sure it's theoretically possible but the chance of it actually happening is so low it's not worth even thinking about. How many people do you know who went blind from dogshit? Fucking none at all. So shut the fuck up about it and let this thoroughly vile idea of collecting dogshit die the death it deserves.

(Oh, and no, I don't have a dog myself, never have had, and never intend to. I like dogs well enough, they're just not my thing. But I have picked up plastic bags off the ground which obviously had something in them, thinking it might be weed or something, only to find it was actually fucking dogshit. Fucksake just leave the stuff for the rain to wash away same as everyone always used to.)

Fucking a fish may not be to everyone's taste but this lass seems to like it. Even though the fish appears to be dead. Is she trying to make herself give birth to a zombie mermaid or what?

Woman fucking a random fish for no apparent reason

Having a piss goes like this:
1) Go to toilet.
2) Piss.
3) Go away from toilet.

Having a shit goes like this:
1) Go to toilet.
2) Shit.
3) Sit there for 10 minutes trying to make the last 10% of the shit (a) come out of my arsehole and (b) fall away from my arsehole into the toilet.
4) Realise that it's not going to happen, and reluctantly give up.
5) Wipe arse, once, bringing away several ounces of adhering shit.
6) Realise that the pressure of the wiping on my arsehole has reinvigorated the enthusiasm of the unevacuated shit to experience the big wide world.
7) Sit there for a further 5 minutes and slowly eliminate a piece of shit the size of a rabbit tod.
8) Wipe arse, again.
9) Swear at the ridiculous amount of shit that it brings away and the implication that an even more ridiculous amount of shit still remains to be removed. Consider installing a system of mirrors in the toilet so that I can watch future shits coming out and solve the mystery of just how the fuck such a large amount of shit manages to remain behind to be wiped.
10) Wipe arse several more times.
11) Explain to my arsehole that the reason it now feels sore is because I've had to fucking wipe it so much and does not indicate the need to evacuate yet more shit.
12) Wait for arsehole to accept explanation.
13) Perform final wipes.
14) Go away from toilet.
15) Find that tea has gone cold because such a notionally simple operation has taken such a stupidly fucking long time.
16) Vent feelings by swearing a lot and typing rant on computer about what a fucking pain in the arse it is that having a shit takes such a stupidly fucking long time.

Nigel Farage Is Mr Blobby
Nigel Farage / Mr Blobby : Celebrity Lookalikes

Energy is the single most important resource our society runs on. Without energy, everything else is useless. We couldn't even grow food. So it is BLOODY DAFT to be dependent for energy on a finite and rapidly dwindling mineral resource which is largely controlled by people who really don't like us very much (because we've been fucking them around for the last hundred years over access to it) and other people who like us less and less (because now we're not afraid of them nuking us any more we needle and antagonise them all the time in massively unsubtle ways) and would happily sell it all to China or India or anyone else who can come up with the money. THAT is why we should be moving away from the use of fossil fuels. Fuck this bollocks about human activities being the cause of climate change. It's a patent load of arse, and it is IRRELEVANT. Arguing over it is a waste of fucking time. There are much better reasons which have far less room for controversy and argument because the evidence is readily available to every bugger just by turning on the fucking TV news. Imagine how much progress we could have made by now if we'd just acted on the plain simple bleeding obvious reasons in the first place instead of fucking around trying to make people believe a load of fucking horseshit about CO2 while not actually doing anything at all. You could almost imagine that the CO2 bollocks is just a diversionary tactic to waste time in argument and distract people from the stupid fucking short-termist governments not actually wanting to move away from fossil fuels at all, because they are getting money from the people who profit off oil, or because it gives them an excuse to test out their tanks and missiles against actual real people who shoot back, or whatever. (Don't forget that nuking Japan was done mainly to see what happened when you nuked actual people, partly to help the Americans characterise the weapon and partly to demonstrate its power to Stalin (who already knew all about it anyway).)

EXPT: 2 C how many DUCKS can fit in 1 pond.
MEFUD: A fence was built around a pond with a little gate in it which opened inwards so that ducks could get in but not get out. Bits of bread were thrown in the pond until you couldn't see a thing for ducks.
RESULT: 10394786592 ducks entered the pond. The ones on top waddled away at the conclusion of the experiment but the rest of them did not and when they were bulldozed away the ones at the bottom were found to be highly compressed in the vertical dimension.
CUNKLOOSHUN: You can get more ducks in a pond if some of them are flat.

The Epson EPL5200 laser printer is FUCKING ACE. People say that the early HP Laserjets are outstandingly durable, and they are, but the EPL5200 is better. Even when it has been left in a room full of pigeons for years and is totally caked in pigeon shit both inside and outside and needs to be completely dismantled down to the last screw and every single component washed and scraped thoroughly all over and then put back together again, it still works better than Laserjets of less venerable age which have not been caked in pigeon shit. This is impressive.

And why the fuck do they insist on writing "baby" after the name of the place? What the fuck does that mean? What fucking baby? Don't they realise how stupid it looks?

What the juddering fuck is it that makes people go all mental about Las Vegas? It's a completely fucking useless place. After all, what can you do there? Get pissed, for a lot more money than you'd spend to get pissed in a normal place. Go to a fucking casino, which is something only fucking idiots do who don't understand statistics. Go to the nuke museum, but that's hardly worth all the bleeding raving and anyway nobody apart from me seems to even realise it's there so that doesn't count. And it's in the middle of a fucking desert so there's nothing to do round about the place either. It's one of the shittiest big-shit places that there is and there is absolutely no fucking reason to get excited over it whatsoever, rather the reverse. So what the fuck is wrong with people that they make such a bleeding fuss about it?

Steven Seagal, yesterday

Steven Seagal's face morphed onto a cartoon of Spoilt Bastard from Viz

And the bloke who wrote some stupid article implying that Ian Hunter was complicit in mass paedophilia: you are a fucking twat as well. Fuck knows I hated that fucking school with a passion - it was worse than being in prison - but the reasons had fuck all to do with paedos, because there weren't any. And Ian Hunter was a decent bloke and there is no way he would have condoned that sort of shit.

Paul Topham did not make people swim naked and then feel them up in the swimming pool. I don't know who made that one up but I guess it was someone who didn't like him. Whoever they were they were a fucking cunt. OK he's dead now so it doesn't make much difference but they were still a fucking cunt.

Stupid Fucking Things They Said To Me At School When Telling Me Off: "What if everybody started doing that?" Bear in mind that what "that" was was removing a knackered fluorescent tube from the fitting so that I could take it home intact instead of the maintenance men putting it in the bins and smashing it. (I was intending to turn it end over end repeatedly so that the fragments of burnt-out filament sliding up and down would scrape the phosphor off the inside and then put volts on it and observe the striated argon discharge that you get before it has struck properly without the phosphor getting in the way.) For a start "everybody doing that" just isn't going to happen. How many people in the school are interested in fluorescent tubes at all? Answer: Two. Me, and my mate, and he was more or less spherical and not capable of climbing up to remove knackered fluorescent tubes from their fittings. So the whole premise is bleeding ridiculous in the first place. And in any case, what if everyone did start doing it? All that would happen is that it would make the job of the maintenance men slightly easier because they'd only have to put new tubes in and not have to bother about getting rid of the knackered ones. Fucksake. If anything they ought to be encouraging people to take knackered fluorescent tubes home with them, not telling them off for it. And they certainly shouldn't be telling people off for it when they can't actually find any logical reason to object to it and are basically only objecting because I was doing something that nobody else ever even wanted to do, because that is fucking stupid. Not that it didn't stop them objecting to loads of stuff I did that nobody else ever even wanted to do. Fucking cunts.

Oh, the budgie which is drowned in its own muck
Oh, the budg'rigar which doesn't give a fuck
Oh, the decomposing budgie
Which has gone all sludgy
Decomposing budgie and a duck.

What is it with these militant breastfeeders that they can't understand the concept of people not wanting to see gross bodily functions performed in public? I bet if I sat down on a bucket in front of them and started to have a shit in it they would complain pretty bloody quick.

Of course, I would do it wearing a long coat that would hang down all around the bucket so people couldn't see my actual arse. This would also demolish their ignorant argument of "but you can't actually see anything", which totally misses the point.

Mind you, on second thoughts, when I remember how my sister was entirely happy to change nappies in other people's living rooms with no attempt at concealment whatever and make the whole place stink of shit and couldn't understand why I complained about it, maybe they wouldn't get the point at all.


German radio stations can also really damage your health. Someone told me this at school and I have never found occasion to disprove it.

Interstellar emigration as a solution to overpopulation is a fucking stupid idea. You could achieve the same result at vastly smaller resource consumption by simply painting the windows of a prison black with white dots and banging people up until they die.

"We threw away the King-a-England here in the colonies, all so we could easily talk about things like 'booty' without having the slimy grip of King George pull us back into some conservative, nanny hellscape", says an American webpage. Well that worked really well didn't it. Look at America now and the way it keeps trying to impose its prudery and censorship on the internet, while here in Britain we have Page 3 an' everything and proud of it too.

AIM: 2 mezha how fast a goose can shit.
MEFUD: Each goose was provided with 5lb of high speed pork and told to jolly well eat it or else.
RESULT: 30s after eating goose took off like a fucking rocket. Sonic boom destroyed buildings to 5 mile radius. Backblast was at sufficient pressure to initiate nuclear fusion reactions and launching site was obliterated.
CUNKLOOSHUN: High velocity goose excretion can REAL LEAD HAMMERED YOUR ELF.

At one school that I went to I would often find myself free from observation and with time on my hands, and one of the ways I used to spend this time was in exploring places to which access was normally forbidden. For instance, at one end of the assembly hall there was a stage, with proper curtains and backdrops and everything; the scaffolding and girder-work from which this stuff was hung was great fun to monkey around on.

It was also possible, I found, to lift a trapdoor on the stage itself and get down into the space underneath it. This was a filthy grotto, about three and a half feet high, crisscrossed with two-by-twos supporting the stage, and full of the muck of ages that had dropped off people's shoes and fallen down the cracks between the stage floorboards over the years. Mingled with this thick layer of crud were larger items of rubbish; empty crisp packets, old drink cans, and large numbers of used condoms.

Which was extremely weird. For a start, it was an all-boys school, and it was before AIDS had been invented. On top of that, none of us were actually old enough to produce spunk in any case. Nor, for that matter, to put a condom on without it falling straight off again. So whose condoms even were they? It could only be the male staff, since nobody else had a full-sized and fully-functional cock.

And who were they using them with? Nearly all the staff were male. We did find the packaging of spermicidal foam in the bins, complete with diagrams instructing the user how to squirt it up her cunt for us to giggle over, but that could more than likely be related to the observed phenomenon of the head of Latin chasing the assistant matron round and round the premises, and in any case both of them had their own rooms to go and shag in. As did the full matron, not that she was in the running anyway because of her resemblance to Nora Batty. There wasn't anyone else.

And perhaps the most puzzling part of it all is that whoever was doing it, what the fuck were they doing it under the stage for in the first place? It would be impossible to shag in any approximation to comfort under there because of the lack of headroom and the maze of timbers that were in the way. And the amount of dirt was tremendous. Even if you just went in and came out again straight away you'd still be covered in crud. Since it must have involved male staff members (fnarr), and they all had keys which would have allowed them to use any number of far more congenial places to shag in, why the pissing dog's arse didn't they use them?

Recently there has been a lot of scandal about paedophile teachers at that school; most of it is about times either before or after my attendance, but not all of it. The not-all stuff, though, is bullshit, and particularly stupid bullshit at that. Some twat says that before swimming every week the teacher would go round looking down the front of everyone's trunks to check the name tapes, and the school supported this by specifically instructing parents to sew the name tapes into the front of the trunks. This is a load of fucking arse. It didn't happen. And the stuff about the other teacher who made everyone swim naked so he could get into the pool and rub himself against them is a load of bollocks too. To me that sounds like someone is half remembering being told that Nero did that - that's not someone's nickname, it's the Roman emperor - and has since gone funny in the head and come up with false memories misattributing it. Either that or they're just a huge piece of shit.

But the adult sexual activity, that required contraceptives which were then left lying around under the stage for strange people like me to discover, that certainly did happen.

NASA Probes Kim Kardashian's Arse - New Exclusive Pictures Of Gas Giant

This is the result of Kim Kardashian's arse satellites orbiting inside the Roche limit.

Actually, it's just struck me what probably happened with that Lake District thing - some stupid cunt came across someone asking why there aren't any black sheep and thought it meant there weren't any black people. This is entirely plausible because anyone whose intellectual capacity is so limited as to think it makes any fucking difference in the first place is obviously such a dumb cunt that getting that mixed up is only what you'd expect.

More utter stupidity which has cropped up on my twitter feed but cannot be responded to on twitter itself because of this fucking stupid 140-character shit: Apparently some marketing organisation has set up a stunt where a 10-year-old girl named Karissa is faked to look like she's beating everyone at some spastic-arsed game or other. So fucking what, you may well say, at least if you are a rational being. But it seems that nothing in the world, however mindlessly trivial it may be, is so trivial that people don't jump up and down and shout and scream about it as if someone was being fucking murdered. And so it is with this.

Apparently the reason they are yelling and screaming is because this stunt somehow compromises the aim of "promoting the idea that females can play games too". Oh do fuck off you stupid cunts. Why the fuck would anyone want to promote such a fuckwitted idea in the first place? It's bleeding obvious that "females" can play games because the controls for the things work just the same regardless of what shape your genitals are. There's no need to "promote" the bleeding obvious. What it seems that these pillocks really mean is promoting to "females" that they should want to play games. What the pissing fuck is the point of this? If they do want to, they can. If they don't want to, then why the fuck should they? Let them make their own fucking minds up what to fucking do. Fucksake you stupid cunts.

It reminds me of another piece of stupidity which I came across a few years back: tourism subsidies for the Lake District were to be cut because not enough black people went there. Again - so fucking what? What fucking difference does it make what colour people who go to the Lake District are? It's not like they're being put off by the lakes being racist or the sheep being part of a white supremacy movement. There's nothing to stop black people going to the Lake District if they want to. It just happens that they don't want to, or so this lot said. Well, fine. So what? If they don't want to they don't want to and it's purely up to them and fuck all to do with anyone else. Why the fuck is anyone even bothering to record what colour people who go to the Lake District are in the first place? Who even gives a shit, let alone thinks it ought to be responded to in any way? For fuck's own bloody sake.

Just let people make up their own fucking minds how to spend their time and stop trying to make them do something different because they are female or black or purple hermaphrodites with green spots or whatever other pointless irrelevant category they may happen to belong to. I might just believe you're serious about being non-racist or non-sexist in that case.

...Yeah, I've given up on that bloke-on-a-website quotes website. Bits of it look interesting to start with, but there's really only so much that it is possible to take of people arguing with excruciatingly ostentatious rationality and extreme verbosity over the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin.

Their rationality is a little spurious, too. I found two or three pages about which would be preferable out of two choices in a highly contrived situation. No fucker answered the question as stated. Every one of them dragged in additional conditions and circumstances and made their answer in terms of the stuff they had dragged in. None of them justified doing this by saying that the question as stated didn't contain enough information to answer it; they just assumed that nobody would bother to call them out over it, and they were right; nobody did.

Oh, and then there was the business of the woman off the website who went to a party where the bloke who runs it was going to be with the intention of fucking him, persisted with that intention even after meeting him had revealed that he was both ugly and rather a twat, but in the end failed because he didn't notice she was trying to pull him. How do I know this? Because she showed up in the middle of some discussion or other and initiated a whole massive irrelevant sidetrack consisting of her saying what she was after doing and him saying he didn't realise, at outrageous length. Strikes me that telling him outright that she wanted to fuck him on the website is doing things a bit late, and she should have done that at the fucking party instead of trying to drop stupid hints that he didn't get. Blokes don't get hints, dearie. Especially nerdy blokes. If you want to fuck him either say "I want to fuck you" or put your hand down his trousers, otherwise he won't get it. (No fucker said that, either.)

Anyway, bollocks to 'em.


EXPT: To see if I can shit a cat.
MEFUD: Eat cat, whole; examine subsequent shits.
RESULT: Shits look nothing like a cat.
CUNKLOOSHUN: Shitting cats is a lot harder than it looks.

Here is another bloke-on-a-website quote: "For instance you're never going to get a leader who's complete moral argument for governing is "I should lead this country because I randomly murder people in horrible ways". Any leader like that will never gain enough supporters to form a government, sure there are leaders who essentially lead in that fashion but they always have some idealist justification for why they should lead."

Seems to me that if you look across all history of all cultures you will actually find a whole lot of people whose power platform was exactly that, not to mention cultures who expected their leaders to be like that. And after all, people are very good, both collectively and individually, at mentally adding their own coda to statements like that. Things like ...but only ones who had it coming, there's nothing for me to worry about. Or ...and if one of them is me I shall consider it an honour and a privilege to be sacrificed for our divine leader. Or ...and that will give us a reputation as a really scary tribe and all the other tribes will go "phoo, those fuckers, you don't want to mess with them". Holders of power who hold it for sensible reasons are really a pretty recent development, and a necessary precondition of that development was the widespread realisation that leaders could be selected on a better basis than who is the scariest murdery stabby bloke. What's really remarkable is how much of human history had to pass before that idea even happened.

"The pleasure to be derived from learning or from exercising scientific or technical creativity is minor compared to the pleasure a teenager can derive from success in the popularity game that high school is famous for, sex and perhaps dominating opponents on the athletic field. If you can manage to derive most of your pleasure from learning during the critical age from about 14 to 17 - by making a point not to develop the habit of getting your pleasure from the three more powerful reinforcers I just mentioned, then you will have gone a long way to setting yourself up for "good emotional responses" throughout your adulthood", says a bloke on a website.


"The popularity game that high school is famous for" - Is it? There was a "popular crowd", I suppose, or more accurately several different small but overlapping "popular crowds", but they never had much relevance to my experience. I certainly never felt any significant impulse to be part of them. Most of their members were twats and arseholes and/or interested in boring things but not interested in interesting things, so I had no reason to want to participate. Rather, I avoided them, and only mixed with a group whose most significant common characteristic was probably that we didn't want to hang out with the "popular crowd" because they were twats and arseholes.

Sex? Chance would have been a fine thing. Sure, I would have fucked the crack of dawn if I could have got up early enough, but the opportunity simply wasn't there. There were no girls in the school below 6th form and even there there were only about 10% girls, if that. "Sex" meant a hand shandy while keeping my ears peeled for my parents' footsteps on the stairs. Its availability and relevance in school were zero.

"Dominating opponents on the athletic field" - well, at least he says "perhaps". The only enjoyable games lessons were those I succeeded in skiving. Sport was (and is) both a mind-pulverisingly boring activity and one which is futile beyond belief; actually competing at pure undiluted futile shit is even more cunt than competing is in general, and is a total waste of effort which could be better spent on other things, like looking at the pretty clouds; and on top of that, performing well in any non-academic school activity was something to be avoided, because it would result in being forced to do it a lot in what would otherwise be your all-too-precious spare time. If I have understood correctly the idiom of the site the quote is from, they would describe this as "dominating opponents on the athletic field is an activity with extreme negative utility", or something along those lines.

The pleasure I got from "learning or exercising scientific or technical creativity" was FAR greater than that which I got from any of those three supposedly top-grade sources. My favourite lessons were physics and chemistry; my activities outside lessons essentially consisted of non-academic versions of the same, manifested in such forms as building electronic and mechanical gadgets, writing programs, and making my own explosives to blow shit up. (Writing that list has put it into my head that "technical consultant to the Taliban" might just be my absolute ideal dream job.)

And do I, have I ever had, any trait remotely resembling "good emotional responses" through adulthood? Er... how can I best put this? ... HAVE I FUCK.

Climate "science": the only field of inquiry whose credibility is not significantly damaged by the publication of communications between its coordinators about how to fudge the data to get the results they want.

"Death gives meaning to life" ... is an extremely difficult and deep thought which the greatest thinkers of the last 200 hundred [sic] years have painstakingly developed", says some dude on the internet.

Well they can't have been all that great thinkers, otherwise they'd have spotted that, far from being in any way deep and meaningful, it is in fact bollocks. It is an obnoxiously trite, blatantly stupid and correspondingly ineffectual defence mechanism against the unpalatable fact that death is dead and chewed and there is no way of avoiding it.

The idea of life having any "meaning" at all in the first place is absurd. How can it? How can any situation or phenomenon arising out of random chance have "meaning"? As well might one flip a coin and assert that there is some "meaning" to which way up it lands. Is there arse, it is a simple random meaningless event. In the same way life is also a random and meaningless event; it may be a more complicated one but that is neither here nor there.

And there is even less sense in proposing that it should have a meaning than there is in asserting that it does have one. Why should it, for fuck's sake? It's not as if there is some law that says everything - or anything - has to have a meaning. The idea is just another piece of bollocks made up by people who refuse to accept that existence is pointless, despite the total lack of any evidence that it is anything but. Yes, life sucks. But it doesn't suck any less for pretending that it has some purpose. That just makes things worse: basing things on made up bollocks is worse than basing them on nothing at all.

Death only "gives meaning" to life in the sense that it acts as an incentive to people to make up meanings to help them to pretend that what they observe to be shit somehow isn't really... which is such a weak "sense" as to be effectively no sense at all.

No doubt some twat will be saying "if life is pointless, why go on living?" by now, since that is probably the standard bollocks response - the idea seems to be to imply that if people do go on living, as they do, there must necessarily be some point to it. Only it isn't necessary at all. There are plenty of reasons to go on living that are not inconsistent with it being pointless. For instance, some people do it because they enjoy it. Enjoying something says fuck all about whether it is meaningful or not - there are zillions of things that lots and lots of people enjoy that are nevertheless utterly, totally pointless and futile; look at football, or any other sport come to that.

Or if you want a less subjective reason, there is always plain old survival instinct, programmed in by millions of years of evolution: creatures that weren't arsed about surviving didn't get to reproduce. Such an instinct must of necessity be particularly strong in a species that has sufficient capacity for abstract thought to conceive of two alternative futures, one which is miserable and goes on being miserable for years and years and years and one which avoids the misery by being very short, to realise also that there is no realistic third option, and to make the obvious choice. The species will only survive if it has a hardwired compulsion powerful enough to override rational thought. Certainly that is the reason for this particular individual's survival.

Death does not give meaning to life, and nor does anything else; life has no meaning, and it is ridiculous to suppose that it might or should. Life's a bitch, and then you die. That is all.

What the steaming fuck is this bollocks all about? http://www.pacourts.us/assets/files/resource-170867/file-3974.pdf

It was RTed onto my twitter timeline - with no context or background whatsoever, which makes it a lot harder to understand, but it would still require a lot of supplementary information to convince me that it's anything other than a load of fucking shite.

Far as I can make out the only thing he's actually done wrong is to get someone to "fix" his wife's traffic ticket. And even that is not clear since it also gives the impression that the "fixing" was done by someone who is actually employed by the legal system to "fix" traffic tickets, which makes no fucking sense at all.

But they don't seem to really care much about that anyway; their main beef seems to be about him sending emails with porn in to people. Er, like, so fucking what? That's just plain ordinary dicking around. Loads of people do things like that. What's the fucking problem? It's not like it actually does any harm. If he'd been emailing malware, then sure, by all means have a go at him. But just fucking pictures and videos? Fucksake you flaming knobends, have some fucking sense of proportion.

One thing that is pretty clear, though, is that that's just what they haven't got. There's a whole fucking page in there trying to make out he's some sort of headcase for trying to place the blame for the trouble on people other than himself... and there is no acknowledgement at all that that is in fact a perfectly reasonable thing to do, since it was other people that caused the trouble and it isn't him that's to blame for it.

The trouble was not caused by him emailing porn to people. The trouble was caused by some of the recipients. If they didn't like it then all they had to do was hit the fucking delete button. Instead they decided to kick up a massive fuss about fuck nothing and make as much trouble as they could for no fucking reason. That was a fully conscious decision on their part and had they not taken it there would not have been any trouble. Therefore, it was their fault. Not his. Theirs. They made the trouble, they can fucking well take the blame for it.

The cunt who wrote the report seems to have it in for him anyway, for, apparently, trying to get him kicked out. Well, if he has been trying that, he has my sympathy. The last thing any justice system needs is fucking nutters who don't see the problem about stirring up massive trouble over utterly trivial and inconsequential shite and who don't see that the blame for said trouble lies on their own heads. The cunt who wrote the report is an obvious liability to the justice system as his own report makes it abundantly clear that his idea of justice is totally fucked up. The cunt should either resign of his own accord or else learn to take a fucking joke.

There is one word in the report which is a flare-lit tip-off that it was written by a moronic cunt with no sense of proportion. That word is "misogynistic". That word has become so devalued in modern usage as to be totally worthless for anything other than identification of cunts. It is almost never used to describe actual misogyny. It is practically always used in an attempt to bypass the readers' critical faculties and create the impression that someone is an unworthy person without adducing any actual evidence of their unworthiness. That is certainly the case here. There is not the slightest suggestion that he has done anything which could rationally be construed as genuinely misogynistic, and therefore it is the author of the report who is identified by his use of that word as being a cunt.

Anyway, if this sort of shite is typical of the American justice system, then all I can say is I'm bloody glad I don't live in America.

Feminism in 1914: campaigning for equal access to votes, education, employment etc.

Feminism in 2014: whining at an author who's been dead for 40 years because there were more male characters than female ones in his books.

And it seems to me that you lived your life putting budgies in the bin
And some were made of plastic, some were made of tin
But when the bin was full up, you could not put on the lid
Because you had no hands and arms because you were a flid.

A Fire Drake is a dragon. A Fire Duck is a big long bridge thing.

Ribblehead Fire Duck

Passenger reactions to hassle secondary to a death under an Underground train (from here)... "I even had one say to me "why can't the trains run?" I'm afraid I was rather short and replied "What are we supposed to do? Run through over the remains and staff can deal with the person between trains?"

Er... well... YES! I mean, make sure the fucker is properly dead first, obviously, but assuming that is the case, then yes, do just that: carry on driving the trains through the bits and clear up the mess later when the trains are in bed for the night. It's not as if it's going to make them any deader.

If Prince Harry became King he would be known as "King Henry who cannot satisfactorily explain what a Hrung is, nor why it should choose to collapse on Betelgeuse VII".

Scottish Independence "Yes" Campaigners: YOU LOST. Now accept that and shut the fuck up and crawl back under your stone. Yes, we know you hate the English. We can also see you are too flaming stupid to realise that "we hate x group of people" as the entire basis and content of a political stance does not fly. South Africa ran their nation on the basis of "we hate black people" and look where it got them. Thank fuck your attempts at stirring up mass hysteria and hatred failed to reach the majority. What the fuck did you expect to achieve anyway? I mean really achieve, apart from "fuck off English basturts", which doesn't count because it's moronic and senseless? Fucking idiots. You lost. Now fuck off and stop blathering shite.

This, apparently, is a Black Rain Frog.

Black Rain Frog

"Representative democracy" is a load of old cock. All governments represent only the ruling elite, ie. themselves and their mates. The value of so-called "democratic" systems is in promoting churn. The important thing is not so much who is in power, but making sure that no one bunch stays in power for more than a few years. It is true that "democratic" systems are often shit at this, as the lengthy terms of the Thatcher/Major and Blair/Brown governments indicate all too well, but unfortunately it seems that every other system is even more shit at it.

The other feature required of a political system is that the people should be free to call the government a bunch of cunts without getting shot. This is often touted as an inherent attribute of democratic systems, but it isn't really. It's more a matter of common sense - the people calling the government cunts won't actually make any difference, but it does keep them happier, so you may as well let them get on with it. Whether this happens or not in practice works out to be a function of exactly how big a bunch of cunts the government are in relation to how big the bollocks of the people are; it's really just a matter of comparative genitalia.

A good chemist, when synthesising for the first time some compound whose IUPAC name would be impractically long and clumsy, will take care to establish an alternative "common" name for it which by the rules of chemical nomenclature will ensure that the names for the most likely derivatives that other chemists will in future synthesise from it will sound rude.

When Johnny comes marching home again (taboo, taboo)
He'll have to wear welly-boots if it rains (taboo, taboo)
'Cause he's bound to catch cold if his feet get wet
And we haven't a doctor or even a vet
And we can't have him catching his death of cold when he's only just come home.

Pedicabo ego te et irrumabo, malum

Fuck Apple

Kim Kardashian's arse is truly of the nature of a gas giant.

The Hubble Space Telescope has revealed the secret of Kim Kardashian's giant arse

There is a package called "rejava" or "rej" which looked as if it might be useful for helping me find my way around the tangled nightmare that is anything written in Java. So I downloaded it and tried to get it going... which straightaway brought me into conflict with the fucking mess of Java before it even got its window up.

It moans that it can't find tools.jar in the class path and so won't have debugging facilities. It warns in the FAQ that you might have to set $CLASSPATH to fix this. Fine. Well, it's not fine, since the standard Java installation ought to have taken care of that, but at least it's simple. Find the file and then add its directory to $CLASSPATH... Fuck, it doesn't work. Try the other method from the FAQ - specifying the path on the command line every time - Still doesn't work, and their example command is wrong to boot. Try as many different ways as I can think of to chop and change the path in case it's this or that that it's being fussy about. Fucking nothing works.

Hit up Google to see if anyone has posted a solution online. Answer: no. Eh? How the fuck can that be? Well, there are LOTS of results relating to lots of different Java things that don't work for the same reason where people say you have to set $CLASSPATH to fix it. But there are NO fucking results in which anyone actually provides an EXAMPLE of a $CLASSPATH that WORKS so that I could compare it with all the futile possibilities I have already tried and work out what's wrong. Which gives me the very strong suspicion that actually NOBODY knows how to do it and they're all just parroting "set $CLASSPATH" like a bunch of fucking stuck records.

FWIW I suspect it's something to do with the utterly fucking stupid as shit bollocks that afflicts so many Java tools which insist on trying to pretend you're in Java when in fact you're in the shell. Like say for instance trying to use javap to decompile a class file, which doesn't fucking work no matter what you do until you finally hit Google in frustration and find that you have to leave ".class" off the end of the fucking filename just so javap can stick it back on again. Yes, maybe that is how you'd refer to it from within a Java program, but we're not in a fucking Java program, are we; we're on the bash command line, and absolutely every single other fucking program that takes filenames on the command line requires that you type them in in full without missing bits off the end otherwise it won't work, so there is no fucking reason at all why I should ever happen upon the correct solution on my own. Why would I try something which is so bloody obviously WRONG? Why would I expect the correct solution to do anything other than fail with a "no such file or directory" error? Fucking stupid cunterybollockism.

I have under some circumstance or other - a long time ago, and since I am usually pretty successful at avoiding Java I can't remember where - come across some similarly fucking stupid behaviour with some tool or other required you to specify the location of a class file using NOT its fucking path in the filesystem like everything else does, but the Java program's internal class hierarchy and notation. Fuck knows how you were supposed to tell it where the root was. Fuck knows what you were supposed to do when you didn't bleeding have the source at all because the whole point of the exercise was to reverse-engineer it. Basically unless you had a complete clone of the original developer's build tree this tool was completely fucking useless, which is probably another reason why I can't remember what it was.

Anyway, I guessed that something similarly stupid was probably the problem here and since that sort of arsebrained cuntery makes me want to scream and kill people I decided to do without the debugging facilities and just see how useful the rest of it was. OK, here's the file selector dialogue to open the .jar file. OK, well it's in this directory. Double click on the folder icon to open that directory. FUCK. Of course this is the fucking shite Java X toolkit which surprise surprise doesn't fucking work. Double-clicking on the folder doesn't open the fucking thing, it just displays its name in an editable text area so I can rename it. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Who writes this shit? Is there anyone who, when trying to open a file, is going to decide it's a good idea to rename the directory it's in while they're at it? No of course there bloody isn't. So why is it even possible, let alone done in such a way that the behaviour you do want doesn't fucking work?

So after far too much pissing around I did finally manage to get it to open the .jar file. So then what? So then it complains that it's not a valid .jar file. Which is complete bullshit seeing as how I didn't write it and there are like millions of people running it without anything bitching that it's not valid. Fucking stupid fucking piece of fucking shit.

So I deleted rej.

Cracked.com (again) calling Donald Trump a twat for "making climate change a political issue". Oh fuck off. He may well be a twat - he is a Republican, after all, and it is doubtful whether Republicans are even human - but the whole fucking anthropogenic climate change thing IS a political construct. The whole fucking thing is made up and supported by the political establishment. That is how, for instance, it can get away with having a whole bunch of emails leaked that are full of stuff like instructions on how to fudge the results to get the answer they want. If it was real science that would create the mother and father of all kerfuffles. Since it's political bullshit fake science, it gets forgotten about instead. What a load of arse.

Western media propaganda up to its usual shit... "Nor can he (Putin) retreat from the idea that the West is a rival bent on Russia's destruction", blah, blah, blah, says this article. It is trying to make out that the reason he can't is because he is too entangled in a web of falsehoods of his own making. But the real reason he can't is that it's fucking true - as the article itself demonstrates. The whole thrust of the article is "Putin is a cunt, let's fuck him up". Its third paragraph says "The world needs to face the danger Mr Putin poses. If it does not stand up to him today, worse will follow" - and that comes before the first quote I quoted. It could well be said that they are insulting their readers' intelligence in hoping they won't notice, but I fear that they are preaching to the converted anyway.

Yeah, yeah, it's the Economist, it's "respectable". Is it fuck. One phrase alone gives it away - it says that "Russian hackers" changed a Wikipedia entry. Which is pure sensationalist bollocks and also a further confirmation that they consider their audience to be such dimwits as not to know that any fucker can change a Wikipedia entry and you don't even need to register. Fucksake it's easier than posting a comment on Youtube and we all know what kind of mononeuronal morons do that. It then goes on to laugh at the dumbness of the action without any thought for the fact that it's being even dumber itself.

It even has the nerve to cite "the days of the Soviet Union when Pravda claimed to tell the truth". As if Western media isn't just as much of a load of fucking arse. As if the whole fucking article isn't itself a bunch of Soviet-Pravda-esque propaganda just aimed in the other direction. As if there isn't a whole fuck load of the same sort of shite in Western media all the fucking time. Fucking load of shit.

There's always some bugger who blinks at the wrong moment.

Three pigeons, one with her eyes closed

Kim Jong Un bites.

Dog with the face of Kim Jong Un

Back to Pigeon's Nest

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