No one would have believed, in the last minutes of the Mesozoic, that Lucy Pinder's 'Book at Bedtime' was being watched from a public lavatory in Islington.

No one could have dreamed that we were being watched as someone with a hangover studies a Cross-Beam Treadle Valve.

Few trainspotters even considered the inevitability of Terry Wogan being arrested for soliciting.

And yet, across the Gulf of Mexico, minds immeasurably weirder than ours, regarded this Earth with ill-concealed envy.

And slowly and surely, they contracted foot and mouth disease.

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