Healthy lifestyle propaganda bollocks

(The crap that is blurged around concerning healthy eating, exercise and all that shit)

I am fucking pissed off with all the crap that we are constantly deluged with on the theme of "healthy eating" and associated shite. Mainly, I think, because it universally ignores the existence of reasons for not doing it, and partakes far too much of the puritanical suffering-is-good-for-you and you-can't-have-good-things-without-nasty-ones ethic which is a pervasive and pernicious worm that strangles all kinds of ideas for making things better before they are even conceived and needs to be eradicated with nukes.

First off, the way they bitch at people for eating "junk food" and bang on about making it yourself instead. Perhaps - although it is a bit of a stretch - they might see what is wrong with this if they abandoned the use of the colloquial pejorative and used instead the more formal term "convenience food". It is obvious that by contrast the food they advocate could well be termed "inconvenience food", for that is what it bloody well is. On the one hand there is food that you put in the microwave, press the button, and come back ten minutes later to find it all ready to eat. On the other hand there is food that requires two hours of fucking about doing a whole pile of tedious crap all for something you eat in five minutes. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Yes, I know there are people who are deviant enough to actually enjoy spending hours chopping shit up and watching it boil and all that mind-numbing bollocks. That is irrelevant. Those people are not eating convenience foods anyway because they enjoy the fucking about. They have fuck all relevance to people who do eat convenience foods because they do not enjoy the fucking about. Me, I can think of a load of more interesting ways to spend the time than boring cooking shit. I can read books or pick my nose or gen up on actinide chemistry or masturbate or write shit on the internet or all sorts of other things which are more fun than cooking, including watching paint dry if I really want to.

And no, there is no point trying to make out that cooking is some kind of hidden pleasure which I would find fun if only I tried it. Because I know fine it isn't. I may not like cooking, but despite that I have cooked, out of necessity, on occasion, as I am sure has everyone else; it's pretty hard to go through life and never have to cook at all. So I do have the personal experience to know that it is boring and shit and not in any way enjoyable. There is no point trying to tell me otherwise when I know for myself what it is like. And no amount of TV programmes of twats like Jamie Oliver wanking over cooking food are going to make any difference because watching other people cook is even more boring than doing it myself so I am not going to bloody watch them, am I. Again their stupid propaganda only appeals to the people it doesn't need to appeal to while by its very nature being rejected by those it is aimed at.

And I am fully aware of the thing about cook-your-own food being nicer than convenience food, and that is a waste of breath too. For one thing, it isn't always even true. Though I will admit that it can be true; food my mum cooks when I go round there is usually lovely; but it still doesn't stack up in terms of effort to reward ratio. Spending five minutes eating slightly nicer food does not begin to compensate for spending hours getting bored and pissed off in the fucking kitchen. Same as I'm not going to fart around driving all the way across town to a petrol station on the other side because the smell of the fumes as I'm filling up is slightly nicer there; I'll just fill up with the ordinary stinky stuff from the one at the end of the street because the reduction in hassle is a far greater reward than a slightly nicer smell. Food is just the same as petrol - necessary as fuel, but not interesting, and not something to spend any more time or trouble over than the minimum necessary. As with all biological necessities, not having it is shit, but having it is not correspondingly joyful, it's just dull and normal.

Then there is the shit about eating fruit and vegetables. Again they completely ignore the reasons for not eating fruit and vegetables. For one thing, vegetables need cooking - see above. For not see above, they do not taste nice. I don't mind bananas and apples, but they are not exciting enough to be worth the bother of, in the case of bananas, buying them all the time because otherwise they go off so you can't keep a stock of them, or in the case of apples just the stupid amount of chewing they require before you can fucking swallow them. If I am going to spend that money and time on food then it can at least be something I get a little enjoyment from as opposed to "yeah, that was all right I suppose". Similarly, I can tolerate brassicas as long as they are boiled enough to destroy the structure of the cell walls, because they are bland enough to be unobjectionable, but as far as enjoyment goes they are on the same level as plain sliced white bread without any butter or jam or anything, and there are plenty of more pleasant food things to spend the money on. As for other vegetables, blech. Other fruits, blech, too - especially oranges, which are pretty much the theme fruit for this kind of arse propaganda.

As with cooking, there is no point trying to persuade me that I would enjoy fruit and vegetables if only I tried them. I have tried them, and I don't fucking like them. Got that? And it's doubly stupid to trot out the next standard piece of shit about not liking them because of not having had them cooked properly and cooking them well will make all the difference. That is bullshit. For one thing, I am not going to fuck around cooking things just to make them a little bit nicer, because it's not worth the hassle. (As I have made clear.) But more importantly, it isn't fucking true. The most pleasant way of cooking vegetables is exactly that method that these fuckheads most decry - boiling the living shit out of them until they have no texture left at all and little by way of taste. That's the whole fucking point of cooking them. The texture is vile and the taste isn't much cop either, so the more effectively the cooking method destroys the texture and emblandens the taste the better. Once again the propaganda gets the whole thing completely arse about face. It's not a case of there being some kind of hidden virtue which conventional methods conceal that will blossom spectacularly if only it is given the chance. It is, instead, a case of eminent shitness which conventional methods are all the better for concealing and which renders methods that avoid concealing it themselves shit. Vegetables boiled to a mush may not be exciting but at least they are tolerable. Vegetables cooked according to shit modern trendy methods which leave them hard and crunchy and full of yuck are not tolerable because the "excitement" is all going completely the wrong way. Fuck this crap of just showing them the hot water; boil the fuckers until they scream, it's the only way.

(As an aside, this hard-vegetables shite is a fine example of humans acting with ovine stupidity. For fucking centuries people have been cooking vegetables by boiling the living crap out of them. They have always had the option of just showing them the hot water and leaving them all hard instead, and saving time and trouble by doing so. But they have not done it. They have instead carried on with the more time-consuming faecal-extraction boiling method. Why? Because the fucking things are more pleasant to eat like that. So far so good and it all makes sense. But then along come some fucking cunts who somehow manage to make out they're nicer to eat if you leave the fucking things all hard and all of a sudden everyone believes them, for no fucking reason other than that they've been told to, and in despite of the fact that people never used to do that even though they could have if they'd wanted to because they know it's shit. Fucking load of arse.)

Vegetables are nasty. No amount of saying otherwise will change this. It should be obvious that cooking methods that make them even nastier do nothing but make matters worse. It's yet another instance of the propagandicks getting it all back to front. Just because they like fruit and vegetables does not mean that people who don't like them have somehow missed noticing how yummy they are and would change their minds if only they were shown what they're missing. People who don't like fruit and vegetables don't like them because they know very well that they are not yummy. Emphasising their natures and qualities only appeals to the people who like them anyway; the people who don't like them and at whom the message is aimed are just further repelled by it.

And what makes the fruit and vegetable thing so much worse is that there is a perfectly good answer which ought to satisfy both sides but yet is completely ignored by the propagandicks: VITAMIN PILLS. There is not the slightest point in trying to force vegetables on people who do not fucking like them when you can achieve the same end by taking one fucking pill a day. Ten pence and ten seconds a day, and the job's done and it doesn't even taste of anything. No hassle no yuckiness no expense. Dead cheap and dead easy and just as good. So why the fuck do the arseheads persist in acting as if vitamin pills didn't exist? What the fuck is the point of constantly hassling people who hate vegetables to eat them when there is a vastly simpler and cheaper alternative?

And so we come to exercise, which suffers from the same problem only worse. Once again the propagandicks act as if it's something everyone would like if only they tried it. Once again they ignore the obvious fact that everyone has tried it and those who don't like it know very well that it is shit and aren't going to change their minds just because some other fucker says so. Exercise is incredibly fucking boring and it makes you all sweaty and knackered and out of breath and generally shit. Being sweaty and knackered and out of breath and feeling shit are all things I want to avoid, not deliberately induce by incredibly boring methods. And there isn't even the reward of having something nice to eat at the end of it. All it has to offer is that the time wasted on doing it might be compensated with a longer period of decrepitude at the end of your life, and even that is not guaranteed. Exercise is shit, and there's no point trying to tell me it isn't because I have done it and I know fucking well that it is shit.

The justification for it is that (to cut a long story short) it causes general systemic effects which are beneficial to health. It is not a direct "mechanical" connection between the exercising muscles and the general system; it's not like a hand-powered generator which produces electricity only while you are turning the handle. It's a long term effect. The exercise (put simply) causes changes in the chemical balance of the body which beneficially affect the way it maintains itself, not just while you actually are exercising but also when you are not - more when you are not, really, since you spend a lot more time not exercising than exercising if you have any kind of normal lifestyle. (Don't forget the time you spend sleeping, eating, in the bath, on the bog...) And so the answer is bleeding obvious: INVENT A DRUG WHICH CAUSES THE SAME CHEMICAL CHANGES AS EXERCISE. Entirely possible with today's biochemical knowledge. All the gain without the pain. So WHY THE FUCK DO THEY NOT BLOODY DO IT?

It's the same thing as the cooking/vegetables/vitamin pills shit. Stupid puritanical assholery. They don't want you to have all the gain without the pain. It's this stupid suffering-is-good-for-the-soul shite again. It quite clearly is not all about being healthy, otherwise they would not pretend vitamin pills don't exist and they would not fail to do the research for the lack of which exercise-replacement pills don't exist. It is a fuck sight easier to persuade people to take one tasteless ten-penny tablet a day than it is to get them to spend a lot more money and a fuck lot more time and hassle doing shit that they already know full well they do not like and try to avoid. It would be vastly more productive to do this than to blather on endlessly with shitty propaganda that only appeals to people who already agree with it. This is bleeding obvious, and so their refusal to acknowledge the option even exists makes it equally bleeding obvious that health is not their prime concern, however much they go on about it.

What they are really doing is essentially an exercise in self-aggrandisement. They want to feel that they have some kind of status and authority by ensuring that people only better themselves by acting in accordance with this weird-ass twisted moral position that everything has to be "paid for". It's not enough for people just to be healthier without having to put any effort in beyond taking a pill. They have to be made to work for it, to suffer unpleasantness before they can get it. Otherwise it doesn't count. Count for what? Fuck knows. Not health, because that is compromised by their ulterior motive. Not God, because God is not a stupid cunt who likes people to suffer. He is exactly the opposite. It is something way too stupid for me to begin to understand, and yet it is all-pervasive and shows up in all sorts of other contexts too. And it can get to fuck.

The appropriate response to things being shit absolutely is not to delude yourself into thinking that you are somehow better off for the suffering and to ingrain that delusion so deeply that when someone tells you you're bleeding mental you genuinely do not understand what they are on about. But that's what this stupid-arse puritanical attitude is. An awful lot of good things in life are not possible to obtain without suffering, but instead of being sensible about it and getting angry and trying to make it possible, they do this mind-bogglingly stupid shit of brainwashing themselves into thinking that things should be like that, and then - which is far worse - try and make sure they stay like that, and try and add artificial shit to those things which are not already like that. Moronic fucking cunts.

The desire for instant gratification without effort is "childish", we are told. What does that actually mean? It means that it is a normal and natural desire which is most often voiced by children because they are young enough that they have not yet been programmed against it; it means that the people who say it can do so without being tempted to question it because it insults those who do question it; it means that anyone else who would argue against it starts off from the disadvantageous position of being labelled "childish". It is a statement which seeks to associate a negative value with a concept by invoking prejudice against those who espouse the concept. Or to put it much more simply, it is horseshit.

"Things are worth more if you work for them" is another expression of it, and it is simple to demonstrate that even those who say it do not actually believe it. Say you are walking down the street, and at the end of the street you see two blokes standing about, two identical Rolls Royces (substitute different car/bike/big pile of money/other prize according to taste), and a big pile of rocks. You go to see what this is all about, and you say to the blokes, "What's all this then?"

One bloke says, "I will give you this Rolls Royce to be all your very own, but you will have to work for it. Carry all these rocks up to the top of that mountain, and when you are done I will give you the key."

The other bloke says, "I will give you this Rolls Royce to be all your very own, just like that. No rocks, no nothing. The door is unlocked and the key is in the ignition."

"Sorted, fuckin' la", you say, and drive off in it.

Absolutely no fucker is going to choose the one where you have to carry rocks up a mountain first. So bollocks to this shit of it being better if you work for it. Fucksake. A good thing after going through a load of shit, or the same good thing right now with no shit - it is flaming bloody obvious which is better, and even the dickheads who say it's "childish" will show their true colours if you make it clear enough. Fucking arseholes.

And this senseless defeatist crap has been fucking everywhere for fucking centuries, so it's as ubiquitous and ineradicable as E. coli. The result is that things that are shit stay shit, and things that are not shit become shit, and nobody even questions it, for absolutely no fucking rational reason whatsoever.

Fuck all that shit. Fuck the whole fucking thing sideways up the arse with an operating TBM cutting head. Fuck these moronic cunts and fuck their fucking stupid fuck ideas. Fuck them all. Fuck the vegetables, and take the vitamin pills instead.

Back to Crap Stuff

Back to Pigeon's Nest

Be kind to pigeons

Valid HTML 4.01!