Laser Wankers

Right, to start this page I would like to list two sites who are NOT laser wankers: and These are GOOD sites. They are run by PEOPLE WHO HAVE A CLUE. The rest of this page is about laser wankers, who might well be defined as "those whose sites are not like these". I list those two sites firstly to emphasise that they are NOT wankers, and secondly to provide examples that demonstrate how not to be a wanker which all the other sites need to take note of.

It must of course be said that the shite I am about to rant against is not limited to laser wankers. There are car parts wankers and electronics wankers and metals wankers and building supplies wankers and bearings wankers and windscreen wankers and all sorts of other kinds of fucking wankers. They too should read this page and learn just why they are wankers and take appropriate action to not be wankers because it all applies just as much to them as it does to the laser wankers. But it is the laser wankers who are pissing me off right now and so it is "Laser Wankers" that is the title of this page.

The basic point is very simple, and it is this:

If you are a company with a website selling shit, then fucking SELL shit. If all you're going to do on your site is blether on about how fucking great you are and how excellent the shit you're selling is, then don't bother to have a bleeding website in the first place. Because all that toss is TOTALLY BLEEDING USELESS if you don't provide any way to actually fucking BUY the shit. Oh, wow, so the President of the North Korean Velvet-and-Fibreglass Fetishists' Cave-Diving Association uses one of your products to masturbate with every morning. Woop-de-bloody do. How the fuck did he get hold of it in the first place? Because there is nothing on your useless fucking website that gives any indication of how one might achieve such an end.

I mean look at this useless crap. I search for unmounted diode bars. The first result is this page from Coherent. Great, yes, data sheets, it is evident that they do supply suitable items, but that is where it stops. HOW the FUCK do you actually fucking BUY the things? There is FUCK ALL on the Coherent website. There are no prices. There is no facility to place an order. There are a few links to PDFs full of legal bollocks about "terms and conditions" for orders, but there is not the slightest indication of how you might get yourself into a situation where they are supposed to apply - no fucking clue whatsoever is provided on how to make the fucking order.

So what ought to be a useful page from a respectable manufacturer is in reality nothing but a complete fucking waste of bandwidth. There is fuck all point in providing datasheets for stuff when you can't actually fucking buy it. What is the point of Coherent's website even existing? Are they just trying to piss people off? Because that is all that the sodding site achieves, wanking over all the wonderful stuff they make while making it impossible to buy any of it. How the pissing fuck do they manage to remain unaware that their website is totally fucking useless?

"Wavelengths include 780-830nm, 880nm, 915-980nm, 1060nm, and 1400-1500nm. Bars and chips are available in various fill factors, stripe widths, bar widths, and cavity lengths", they say. Right. So there ought to be a fucking page on the site which lists all the various combinations of wavelength, fill factor, stripe width, bar width, and cavity length, with alongside each entry the FUCKING PRICE. And a fucking "add to basket" button or some other means of ordering the cunting thing. But instead there is FUCK NOTHING, so there is no point them having a site to say they make the things in the first place. What the bastarding shite is wrong with their fucking brains that they are so blind to this incredibly fucking obvious fact? How the fuck do they expect anyone to buy any of their stuff when they don't provide any facility whatsoever for fucking doing it? How do they manage to become one of the best-known names in laser manufacturing when they are so unbelievably bleeding stupid?

Coherent, you are laser wankers.

Next we get a result from RPMC Lasers. They are a little bit better; they do provide a list of the various combinations of wavelength, power, fill factor etc. that they supply. But they MISS OUT the information which is REALLY IMPORTANT: the FUCKING PRICE, and the link to a page to place a fucking order. So while they have got off to a better start, they immediately drop the ball completely and the result is that they are no whit less fucking useless.

The meta description tag - which shows up in the Google snippet, but has no corresponding visibility on the page itself unless you look at the HTML source - says "RPMC Lasers Inc (Incorporated in 1996) offers a wide selection of Unmounted Bar Laser Diode Bars and Stacks at the manufacturers standard prices..." Excellent. So what are the fucking prices and how the fuck do I find out?

"...Call us for a quote", it says. Oh for fuck's sake. Don't be such a bunch of ridiculous fucking tossers. You say you offer the fucking things at the manufacturers' standard prices. Right. So FUCKING SHOW THOSE PRICES ON YOUR FUCKING SITE. Fuck this bastarding "quote" shite. You know the fucking prices, so fucking show them. Don't try and make people jump through a totally unnecessary hoop to find out essential information which you can perfectly well fucking provide right on the fucking web page along with all the other information about the things.

I am NOT going to fucking "call", or fucking email, or fucking fight with some shite-arsed contact form which has a 90% chance of not fucking working, or fucking ANYTHING, unless I fucking KNOW WHAT THE PRICE IS FIRST. The whole thing is arse about face. The cunts seem to assume that because I am looking to buy something which is piss expensive I must accordingly have an unlimited amount of money to spend on it and so it won't matter to me what the price is, or something. Which is really really fucking stupid and they ought to fucking realise that without even having to think about it. Because the thing is piss expensive it means the fucking price is more important than anything else. I need to know the fucking price before I look at the engineering parameters, because the first consideration is "do I have enough money to buy the fucking thing at all?" Only if that can be answered in the affirmative is there any point in then going on to look at the engineering parameters and working out if the thing will do what I want. Yes, this is a fucking shite way of doing it but as long as things cost money at all it is the only way that can be considered. It is exactly the same with basic and comparatively cheap things like food - the first question is "can I buy it at all", and only if the answer is "yes" is there any point in considering further questions like "how well will it stop me being hungry". Since unmounted diode bars cost a fuck load more than food, the same considerations apply with a fuck load more force. How the pissing dog-wank can these fuckwits be so bleeding stupid as not to realise something so totally flaming obvious?

RPMC Lasers, you are laser wankers.

Then we get a link to Photonic Solutions, who seem to have deliberately designed their site to be as fucking annoying as possible in the matter of raising expectations and then shitting on them. We have a confirmation that they do do unmounted diode bars. We have datasheets for them. And up at the top right there is... A WEBSHOP LINK!!! Hooray!!!

Except that the webshop is fucking useless because most of their stuff is not actually in it. For Fuck's Sake you stupid bastards, what the fuck is the point? All they have in it is lasers as complete units. The rest of the site goes on and on about all the laser parts they do, but the fucking shitey shop does not sell any of them. Unmounted diode bars are nowhere to be found and nor is there any means of ordering them to be found elsewhere on the site. And there certainly aren't any FUCKING PRICES. So in the end this site is just as much of a useless fucking waste of bandwidth but with a really piss fucking annoying lump of frustration thrown in.

Photonic Solutions, you are laser wankers.

The next result is from Photonics Online, which is completely fucking useless for the very simple reason that there is fuck all there (screenshot). Whoever wrote that website needs a bloody good kick up the arse because there is just no sodding point at all in making something so utterly content-free.

Photonics Online, you are laser wankers.

The result from Lasertel is also fucking useless and resembles that from RPMC: lists of parameters of diode bars that they claim to sell, but no mechanism for actually selling the fucking things, and no FUCKING PRICE. Where are the prices? Where is the link to place an order? Fuck nowhere. There is just no bleeding way to use the information they have provided and so they might as well cut the cackle and not bother having a fucking website in the first place if they aren't going to bother showing the fucking prices and providing a means to place an order.

Lasertel, you are laser wankers.

The next result is a PDF from Newport which is obviously nothing to do with supplying stuff, so it is not relevant here.

Then there is a result from Sintec Optronics which once again does the same fucking mindlessly bleeding stupid thing of listing parameters of stuff they sell but not providing any prices or any means to fucking order it. Oh, yes, there is a link to download their catalogue, but that does not help in the slightest because all it does is repeat the information on the site and does NOT include any of the vital information which is missing off the site. Another bunch of clueless tossers who don't seem to understand that if you are trying to sell stuff you need to provide a means for people to fucking buy it. Another example of mindless idiocy which achieves nothing but wasting my time and pissing me off.

Sintec Optronics, you are laser wankers.

The last result on the page is from Laser Diode Source (dot com) and once again it is a piss useless piece of fucking shit. "Get Price & Delivery", says the page in a big green box. Fine. Only the fucking link does NOT tell you the price and delivery options. All it does is take you to a page to fucking request a FUCKING QUOTE. Which can FUCK OFF. As explained above, the fucking price is NOT just some bleeding afterthought that won't make any difference once I've looked at the specs and seen the device is useful. The PRICE IS THE PRIME REQUIREMENT without which looking at the specs is a waste of fucking time.

What makes this stupid "quote" shit even more fucking annoying is it isn't just wasting my fucking time, it's wasting theirs as well. What happens if I actually do go round requesting a pissing quote from all these fucks who know fucking well what they are going to fucking charge and could perfectly well put it right on the fucking webpage if they weren't so determined to be as big a cunt as possible? If there are n suppliers, all a priori indistinguishable because not one of them shows a fucking price, then the probability of me taking up the quote from any given supplier is 1/n. That is really basic shit. And in this case, n is pissing huge. Like, well into the hundreds. So it is overwhelmingly likely that any given quote will just go straight in the bin and whoever has been looking up the prices in the database and typing out the email to provide the quote has been wasting their fucking time with this pointless and idiotic long-winded bollocks as well as wasting mine. And it would be so incredibly piss easy for them to avoid the whole frustrating stupid waste by having the fucking web server do the fucking database lookup automatically when it generates the page. Making humans do the job of a machine is fucking moronic enough to begin with, and when it achieves nothing but to make everything more difficult for everyone concerned and fuck the whole process into utter uselessness to boot, it is prime evidence of the existence of manager cunts whose excuses for brains are currently nothing but a waste of oxygen and they would do far better to bore a hole in their skulls and donate what dribbles out to the local soup kitchen.

And the icing on the fucking cake is that the quote thing is another fucking contact form so I can be 90% sure it is not going to work before I even try, and on top of that even, it includes a shitey fake captcha which is not actually a captcha at all but a weaselly slimy sneak of an attempt to get unsuspecting humans to identify image elements which a computer can't manage to identify and should not even be fucking trying to identify in the first place because it's none of its fucking business, so that anyone who tries to fill it in is being unwittingly suborned into helping some bunch of privacy-destroying utter cunts to continue being cunts. No fucker should ever use these captchas and anyone who does is themselves a cunt.

Laser Diode Source (dot com), you are laser wankers.

I could go on and on like this because there are pages and pages of results for this search and they are ALL THE FUCKING SAME. But precisely because they are all the fucking same, there is no fucking point. So any website which has not been mentioned on this page has no reason to be complacent. Quite the reverse. The only ones which are NOT wankers are the two mentioned right at the start. EVERY other fucking site I have found is a piece of fucking shite which is totally fucking useless for the same fucking boring and stupid reasons. If your site is not listed on this page there is still a 99 point several nines per cent chance that you are a laser wanker because as far as I can make out there are only two fucking laser sites on the whole internet which are not wankers. It is simple: if your laser site does not show the exact PRICE for every item, and an "add to basket" (or equivalent) link to ORDER the fucking thing - NOT fucking "quote" bollocks, but a page that either accepts a card number or provides a postal address to send money to - then you are a laser wanker and you need your face smashed into a wall repeatedly until it has either beaten enough sense into you to get you to provide a site which is actually useful or at the very least shaken out all the stupidity by reason of which you provided a fucking useless site in the first place.

And if you are "selling" something other than lasers, the same still applies. Stop being a fucking dick and actually SELL the fucking thing. Don't just say you sell it and then leave everyone floundering in the dark with no idea how to fucking buy it, what you need to do is actually fucking DO it. Show the fucking PRICE and provide the means to place a fucking ORDER. If you do not do these things then take your fucking site down altogether and stop cluttering up the search results with useless crap.

Look at Amazon. How well do you think they would do if they just showed a big list of stuff for sale and didn't list the fucking prices or have any means for people to order it or tried to fuck people around with this stupid "quote" shit? It's obvious, isn't it. They wouldn't fucking exist. And I wish to fuck you didn't either because all your fucking shitey useless sites do is clutter up the search results with bollocks and waste my time on clicking the links only to find that what they link to is a load of bollocks.

And any corporate wanker who even thinks of a response along the lines of "but we're not like Amazon..." is cordially invited to go and stick their head under a fucking steam hammer and splatter it to the four winds and stop cluttering up the planet with their parasitic existence. You ARE "like Amazon" in the only respect that counts: you (purport to) sell things. Only in Amazon's case it is possible to buy the stuff they're selling and in your case it fucking isn't. Therefore you are a bunch of utter cunts and the world would be a better place if you take your useless fucking website down and then fuck off and die.

Sort your fucking ideas out you bunch of utter clueless moronic jerks, and if you don't you fucking deserve to go out of business and I will obtain a copy of the winding up order and frame it and then bury it so I can celebrate the anniversary of you going bust by doing the nearest I can get to dancing on your grave, you shitey fucking cunts.

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