There are fucking hundreds of these cunts around offering a prepaid debit card with no checks and no hassle regardless of history and blah de fucking blah. And they are all a bunch of lying shites.
"No checks" is a fucking lie and "no hassle" is a fucking sick joke. I don't know about the history and blah, I've never got that far, but no doubt that's all bollocks too.
To sign up for a prepaid debit card the first necessity is to spend half a day at minimum unfucking their stupid fucking shite website to the point where it at least sort of fucking works. The kind of fucking bollocks site that is so much of a pain in the arse that normally I just wouldn't bloody well bother with it and would go and find another one instead. Trouble is there are so many fucking liars and so many unusable shite websites that don't fucking work that it is necessary to perform an exhaustive search of unusable shite websites to have more than a zero chance of finding one that isn't run by fucking liars.
After fighting the site, the next thing is to fight the fucking sign-up process because they're too fucking dense to write one that you don't have to fight. Having the fucking thing spread out over at least five separate pages which are all huge and have you scrolling madly up and down like a cunt, when if they did it properly they could fit the whole bloody thing on a single screen, is just the start of it. And there's always a page somewhere with one of those stupid bleeding things that tries to "be helpful" and guess your fucking address from your postcode, none of which ever fucking work, implemented in such a shitty way that when it doesn't work it stops the option to enter it by hand working as well, so there goes another hour or two in the bin trying to rewrite this piece of shit to get it to function.
Then you nearly always have to pay some initial sign-up fee, which they won't fucking do in some straightforward way like sending you the bloody card first and taking the fee out of the first chunk of money you put on it to make it start working. Some of them are just fucking stupid and insist that you can only pay it by transferring money from your bank account, which is completely fucking useless since half the point of the fucking prepaid card shit is to get around not fucking having a bank account. And some of them do some bloody thing which seems to be that you can put money on your mobile phone as if you were going to pay for calls with it, but then you send it to the card wankers instead, or something like that; I can't actually find out what you have to do in detail because of course I haven't fucking got a fucking mobile fucking phone, so that's no bloody good either.
But some of them do have something that works, at least sort of, which is some kind of shitty "voucher" thing. What you have to do is go to a shop that does Paypoint and give them some money to print a number onto a gnome-sized piece of arsewipe. Then you type the number into the card wankers' website and it pays the fee. This would be OK except that you're always the first person who's ever tried to buy one and the cashier has no fucking idea what you're talking about. So first you have to go on and on trying to get them to understand what the thing is, and then you have to persuade them that they can actually sell you it. And then persuade them to have another go when they can't find it on their machine, and then do that again, and in the end persuade them to show you the screen so you can find it yourself (how it is that I then can find it never having bloody seen the thing before, when they use it all the time and still don't know, is one of these inexplicable things, but there it is).
I have encountered one of them trying to use a voucher which actually doesn't exist, only this sort of shit made it ridiculously bloody hard to find out. The card wankers' website said that's what you had to use, so presumably it existed; the voucher wankers at least had a website, although it didn't work, but that's nothing unusual, so they seemed to exist; and long experience teaches that cashiers saying they can't find something doesn't mean it isn't there, so I just kept on trying to persuade them to try again until they got fed up and then going to a different shop and trying a different cashier. I even ended up downloading user manuals for Paypoint machines and noting down what menu sequences to try, but still didn't get anywhere.
Eventually I somehow found a customer service email for the voucher wankers, fuck knows how, and emailed to ask them why none of these shops (with list of addresses) that were supposed to sell their fucking voucher could find it on their machine. They replied saying to try this shop, or else that one - both of which were on the list of addresses I'd sent them of shops I'd tried already. What the fuck is it with customer service wankers? They pick out some phrase that strikes their eye like "no shops selling your vouchers" and reply with a list of shops that sell them, but they never fucking actually read the fucking text that explains I've already tried those shops and I'm writing because they aren't fucking selling them. So next there's a bunch of back and forth trying to get them to read the whole of the bloody email and answer the actual bloody question. And after too much stupid crap they finally did understand and told me what to tell the cashiers to do.
Well now I did manage to get a cashier to find it, but it still didn't fucking work. This led to yet more infuriating blithering with shitty customer service idiots who won't fucking read what you've written and reply to whatever different question they'd prefer to be answering instead. And finally it transpired that when the card wankers were saying "you can pay using a Penis Head Voucher" they meant the thing that a Penis Head Voucher had been a year or two ago, but what a Penis Head Voucher was now was a completely different thing with the same fucking name that you could not use to pay for cards and couldn't pay for anything else much either, so it wasn't entirely clear what kind of fucking good it was to anyone. Yet the card wankers were still trying to make out you could pay with it, and when I told them what the real situation was they didn't care, so fuck the whole bloody lot of them.
But that was just an extreme example of the kind of shitty blind alley you can get led into due to cashiers never ever knowing about vouchers that really do exist. Most of the time you can eventually manage to get one, and pay for the card with it. But it isn't very long before it turns out that it might have been better if you hadn't been able to get one after all...
Sometimes it happens as soon as you have typed the voucher number into the card wankers' website. Sometimes you get a letter first saying that the card is on its way and will arrive in a few days, and it happens by email. Sometimes you even get the actual fucking card, and a note to use such-and-such a web address to activate it, and it happens then. But it always happens eventually. And it always happens AFTER you've paid for the fucking card.
What it is is that you get a message from the card wankers that says:
NER NER NER FOOLED YOU, WE LIED ABOUT NO CHECKS, SUCKERRRR...
And then they tell you that you can't get the fucking card without an "ID check". And an "address check". Apparently being allowed to abuse the electoral roll isn't fucking good enough for them any more. And the fucking cunts let you get all the way through to sending them some fucking money thinking they are not going to do this shit or they would have done it before this point.
WELL I HAVEN'T FUCKING GOT ANY SO-CALLED FUCKING "ID" YOU CUNTS.
And it's a fucking insult in any case. You want to know who I am, you ask the definitive reference. Me. You can't fucking "check" it with some other fucker. If they say anything different from what I say then they are fucking wrong, by definition. If what I say somehow "isn't good enough" then that's your tough shit, because it's impossible for anything anyone else says to be any better. And if you prefer to believe some random cunt who if they disagree are ipso facto wrong, then you are a stupid fucking bastard, but it's still your tough shit and if you want to try and make it mine then you can go and fuck yourself.
And I sure as fuck am not going to send you anything with a fucking photo of me on it. You can shove that one right up your fucking arse. How the fuck dare you ask me for a fucking photo. Fucking cheek. Send pictures of myself to random cunts on the fucking internet? No fucking chance. I don't give a toss that it has become "fashionable" for ignorant clueless fuckwits to plaster hundreds of pictures of themselves all over arsebook and twitter and the like and are too bleeding stupid to see the problem even though arsebook actually makes a point of shoving it in their faces. I don't care what you say you're going to do with it, and chances are I'm not fucking having you do that with it anyway; I don't believe you won't do anything else with it, only that you will probably try to avoid creating evidence of what you did that will be allowed in court; and I consider it highly likely that you don't actually know what's going to be done with it, and don't know you don't know. So you can fuck off.
"Proof of address", and all, that's another load of fucking shite. You want "proof of address", you send me a fucking letter and see if I get it. Which in fact means you get it automatically when you send me the card and a code along with it to type into the website to turn the card on. And I'm not going to fucking tell it you wrong anyway, am I, because I do want the fucking card to turn up, you stupid cunts. It's completely bloody stupid to demand to see other letters other people have written me which are none of your fucking business anyway. And it's completely fucking shite to restrict the list of "other people" to people whose letters would be especially none of your fucking business, except none of them ever send me any fucking letters anyway. (Except one or maybe two at the most who might send me something once a year but it isn't a fucking "bill" because I'm on prepayment and I don't get bills, and it has to be "less than 3 months old" which it has three fucking chances in four of not being, for fuck's sake.)
I only applied for a fucking card in the first place because they said there were no checks. Because I know in advance I haven't fucking got any of this fucking "ID" shite, and I'm not going to fuck around wasting my time trying to get a card if they say I can't get one without it.
And they don't say that. They say they "may" require it "but not for most people", or under exceptional circumstances, or some other form of words which means "sometimes but usually not". I don't see that I'm a fucking exceptional circumstance, so I try and sign up. And it lets me. It finishes up saying "You have been accepted for a Penis card". It doesn't say "you need to pass an ID check before being accepted", it says I have been accepted. It says that all I have to do is pay the starting fee.
They are all fucking like that. And they are all fucking liars. They all come back after I've paid the fee and say "oh actually that isn't all, you have to do this too". Which I can't fucking do and I know I can't fucking do and they didn't fucking tell me until it was too fucking late.
Fucking cunts.
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