Fucking Cloudflare

Cloudflare is a piece of shit that blocks websites for no fucking reason, and it needs to just FUCK OFF AND DIE.

Fuck off and die

Look at this fucking shite. "Please wait while we are checking your browser." Yeah, it's a fucking browser. It doesn't need fucking "checking". What the fuck is that supposed to even mean anyway?

The page title is even worse. "Security check". Is it fuck. How the cunting fuck can it possibly be any kind of "security check"? Don't be so bleeding stupid. And more than that, don't fucking take me for a fucking idiot thinking I'll believe such moronic bollocks.

Fuck off and die, again

Looking at the page source we can see what it is REALLY trying to do.

• It wants to be able to run any old random evil shite on my computer. It can fuck off.
• It wants to be able to store state for its own purposes on my computer. It can fuck off.
• It wants to load some dog's cock frotter of an invisible tracker image. It can fuck off.
• It wants to load some pile of shite to "challenge my platform". It can fuck off.
• It wants to make me solve a bastarding fucking captcha, for fuck's own bloody sake, when all I'm actually trying to do is read a fucking page of text. It can fuck off.

WHAT THE JUDDERING FUCK IS THE BLEEDING POINT FOR FUCK'S SAKE???

All I'm actually trying to do is read some fucking text off a customer service help site. Why in the name of all the world's puddles of decomposing syphilitic donkey spunk can't it just SHOW ME THE FUCKING TEXT? What the FUCK is the fucking point of shoving all these stupid barriers and shite in the way? What the fuck does it even achieve except to make the site inaccessible and fuck people off?

(It's Pockit, of course. Pockit's idea of customer service is to have a robot deposit a bucket of shit on your head at two-month intervals, and never under any circumstances provide any other kind of response. It's only natural that they should think it's a good idea to block access to their public help pages for no fucking reason. But of course it does nothing to make me any less furious with the stupid cunts than I have been for the past however many years it is since their robot started depositing two-monthly buckets of shit on my head, and in any case they are not the only ones who do this fucking stupid shit, oh no indeed they are not by any means.)

OF COURSE none of this fucking shite actually works, and the browser just sits there displaying that stupid message indefinitely. It doesn't even display the "turn_on_..." messages which can be seen in the source code. Shall we have a look at why not?

• The message about javascript is a noscript element. It only gets displayed if javascript is not globally enabled. Well actually it is globally enabled, because it is necessary for all the decuntification and exorcism functionality which is required for looking at fucking nearly every site these days. But just because it is globally enabled to allow local scripts to run does not mean that remote scripts will run, or if they do that they will be allowed to do any old bloody thing they want without restraint or supervision. So that's that fucked.
• The message about cookies gets blocked automatically because it gets detected as "more fucking shite moaning about cookies", and automatically getting rid of stupid fucking shite moaning about cookies is a standard necessity for every bastard site these days.
• The transparent image gets blocked because it is an invisible fucking tracking image. I don't actually know why the steaming fuck sites are so keen to use these bastard things instead of just seeing whether the actual page itself has been requested, but they do, and if they weren't using them for some evil purpose they wouldn't be making them fucking invisible, so they are another standard piece of shit that gets blocked.
• The captcha script gets blocked because it is a captcha script. All captcha scripts are fucking stuffed with fucking arse... because they aren't just "captcha" scripts. That's the whole point of them. If all you want to do is show a captcha then all the processing can be done on the server, and all the browser has to do is display the image and provide a form field for the response. The reason for cunts making them work via a script on the browser is precisely because they're not just making the browser display the image and provide a form field for the response, they're doing fuck knows what other shit as well. Well you don't fucking get to do fuck knows what other shit on my computer, you fucking wankers, you can fuck off and do it on your own fucking computers and stop trying to fuck about with mine.

And about that fucking captcha script... for fuck's sake. Look at the fucking thing. cloudflare-dogshit.js.txt (Note that the original didn't have any line breaks or whitespace in it; I've had to run a prettifier on it to make it bloody readable at all.) The whole thing has been deliberately fucked up to make it bleeding impossible to understand what it's doing. Which is an absolute guarantee that it's doing something evil otherwise they wouldn't be trying to hide it. So it can fuck right fucking the fucking fuck off... and indeed that is what it does get made to do, because the obfuscation does not prevent it being automatically detected as an evil script.

So what the fuck is really going on? This bleeding Cloudflare shite is nothing more than an attempt to make sure that random fucking wankers can run random fucking evil shite on your computer before it lets you actually read the fucking site. So stop fucking doing it you cunts. Try and learn how to write a website without being an evil wanker. Or else just fuck off trying to do any kind of website and go and eat your own shit.

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