Pockit are a bunch of fucking wankers whose idea of customer service is to have a robot deposit a bucket of shit on your head at two-monthly intervals, and under absolutely no circumstances to ever actually listen to a bleeding word you say.

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Pockit, eat dogshit

Pockit are one of these prepaid debit card cunts who say you can have a card without any checks regardless of history blah blah fucking blah.

There are loads of these cunts and they are all fucking liars: they say "no checks", but it isn't fucking true. I have spent far too much time fighting their shitty fucking websites that don't fucking work and they are all the bloody same. This is a pain in the arse because far too many cunts these days refuse to take payment by normal methods, which is shite, and although with most of them you can still just fuck them off and give your custom to someone else who isn't a stupid obstructive cunt, there isn't really any alternative to ebay and I haven't managed to discover any way of paying for stuff on ebay without some kind of fucking third party account with some kind of parasitic fucking bank payment skimming cunt.

Once upon a time after a prolonged bout of website-fighting I discovered that Pockit were not actually lying. I actually could get a card from them and I did not have to suffer this insulting shit of them demanding fucking "ID" which I haven't fucking got anyway. To be sure it was only the "restricted" version that wouldn't let you put more than £200 a month through it, but I haven't got £200 a month going spare to be putting through it anyway, so I don't care about that.

So I got the "restricted" version of the Pockit card and it all went swimmingly for a few years up until around the end of May 2020, and then it all started to go to shit.

The first thing that happened was that payments started randomly failing. I would buy a basketful of different things from different sellers on ebay, and sometimes the payments didn't go through. Or the payments for most of the things would work but one or two of them didn't. Never for any fucking reason, of course. A fair bit of the time if I left it a bit and tried again later the payments did go through, but sometimes I had to try again several times before it worked, and sometimes it just never fucking worked no matter how many times I tried it and I had to cancel the order and buy the same thing from a different seller instead.

Of course there was NEVER any kind of useful error message that might help me to track down what the fuck was going on. All it ever said was "payment refused". It acted the same as if there wasn't enough money on the card, but of course there fucking was because I'd just put the money on the card specifically, and anyway if there hadn't been enough money it would never have worked to try again and again and again loads of times or to buy the same thing from a different seller instead, whereas often it did.

I submitted various customer service requests asking them to sort this out, but they totally fucking ignored every fucking one of them, and it just carried on like that for a couple of months, gradually getting slightly worse but still working often enough to not be completely useless.

Then it started fucking up when I tried putting money on the card as well. The error message from the Paypoint machine was always "Load limit reached". But it wasn't fucking true. The limit had not been reached. Eventually I even just left the thing for a couple of months, not trying to put any money on it, so it was actually impossible for the limit, which resets monthly, to have been reached, but it still didn't work and still gave the same stupid error message.

What was actually going on was that Pockit's computers were fucked. Using the Pockit website to inspect the account, there is an entry for how much of the load limit you have used that month, which varies between £200 and zero depending on how much money you have or haven't put on that month. If you still have some limit left it is displayed in green; if you have hit the limit it changes to red. Then at the end of each monthly period it resets itself and you get the full limit available again.

This figure was coming out as bloody stupid and impossible things. Like "-£300". Yes, minus three hundred pounds. Displayed in green, for what it's worth. But there is no way for that figure to ever be negative, and nor is there any way for its magnitude to reach three hundred since the limit itself is only two hundred. It was an impossible sign and an impossible magnitude. Part of the system must have thought it was actually OK, since it was displayed in green, but the part that talks to the Paypoint machines thought it meant the limit had been exceeded, when what it actually meant was that Pockit's computers were fucked.

There was still 6 and a bit quid left on the card, but I couldn't put any more on even after waiting 2 months, and I couldn't spend the 6 and a bit quid either because now the making-payments part of the fuckup had become total. Some cunting stupid thing had happened to Pockit's computers and they had gone mental and fucked the card up totally.

So I put a request in to Pockit customer service, and of course it was ignored, so I put more in, and eventually I did get a sort of response. Unfortunately the response came from either a moron or a bot, or possibly a moron acting like a bot, and it was a load of shit.

In my request I had of course quoted the error message the Paypoint machines were giving, "load limit reached", and then explained that it wasn't true and was caused by some internal fault with their computers that was also causing looney figures to show on my account on their website. So what happened was that the fucking moron/bot/moronbot latched onto that set keyword sequence "load limit reached", didn't bother to fucking read the rest of it, and simply issued the standard preset response for "what to say to people who have reached their load limit", which of course had fuck all to do with the actual problem.

That standard preset response is to invite people to convert their restricted version of the Pockit card into the full version, by sending in a pile of this stupid fucking "ID" bollocks. Which, as I mentioned, I have not fucking got any of, and had specifically chosen the restricted version of the card because it didn't need it.

They had in fact been spamming me with this bollocks every few months for ages in any case, sending me invitations to convert my card to the full version because it's really ace! it's so fucking wonderful!! it'll make you have an orgasm just looking at it!!!11!! (is it buggery, all it does is give me a larger load limit which I can't use because even the restricted load limit is already more money than I've got), and it's so easy to do it! all you have to do is send us a copy of this!! (which I haven't got) or that!!! (which I haven't got) or the other!!!! (which I haven't got), and also a copy of yis! (which I haven't got) or yat!! (which I haven't fucking got)... and so it goes on, and on, you can guess the rest. Naturally I had been ignoring all this shite because what the fuck else am I going to do, I don't even want the bloody thing and I can't get it anyway.

So as well as the intepretation "customer service monkey is a moron with the intelligence of Eliza", this suggests the alternative or additional interpretation "wankers see I've been ignoring their crap for ages and figure that if I won't go for it voluntarily, they'll abuse my customer service request to force me into it". Cunts.

However, on this one occasion there was a difference. Instead of the usual request for several things off a long list of stuff I haven't got, this time they only wanted one thing, and at the time they asked, by a one in four chance I actually had got one thing out of their list of stuff. That thing was "utility bill less than 3 months old". Well I don't fucking get monthly bills or even three-monthly ones, because I'm on prepayment; but I do get a sort of thing like a bill once a year that shows how much I have paid over the year in total, and by chance one of those had arrived only a few weeks before. So I thought fuck it, for once they've asked for sufficiently little that I can go along with it, so I will do, just in case they end up unfucking the card in the process as some kind of side effect.

To be sure they did make even that needlessly difficult by insisting that I sent "photographs, not scans" for no fucking reason at all. So instead of just reaching over to one side and sticking the bill-thing in the scanner and getting a good clear copy straight away without any fucking about, I had to piss around for ages with my crappy digital camera trying to get its dogshit bollocks autofocus to work without having to be so far away from the paper that it would be too small to fucking read, and the best I could do with the bloody thing was still only barely legible and covered in noise and basically shite. But I did it in the end, and I sent it in.

And the fucking cunts ignored it.

There wasn't a fucking peep out of them for two months. And when they finally did respond, they still ignored the content of what I'd sent, and acted as if I had never sent them anything. They started the same bloody thing all over again, except this time they had added extra stuff to the list of shit they wanted and of course I didn't fucking have it.

So I told them no, you've already done this bit and I've already answered it, you're supposed to be responding to my answer, not just doing the same thing again. (Look, and here's what I sent you the last time.) But this led into a cycle of fucking uselessness.

They did nothing for the standard two months, and then replied saying (a) "send photographs, not scans", and (b) "send more shit". So I replied to say that (a) I had sent "photographs, not scans", and (b) I'd already answered the question the first time they asked it, so stop ignoring my answer and proceed from having received it, instead of asking the same bloody thing again only adding extra bits. I would then re-send the reply several times over the next two months while they sat there with their thumbs up their arses doing nothing. And finally they would respond saying (a) "send photographs, not scans" (with increasing levels of emphasis), and (b) "send more shit, now with sprinkles" (with an increasingly long list of sprinkles). And so it went on and bloody on, round in fucking circles.

As time went on and I got more and more fed up with their utter stupidity and ignorance, I began including additional sections in my replies asking them just why they never took the blindest bit of notice of any fucking thing I ever fucking said (only without the swearing, so they couldn't use that as an excuse to just tell me to fuck off). I asked them why, when I sent them photographs, they only responded by shouting "send photographs, not scans" more and more loudly; why they were making such a fuss over such an idiotic condition whose only effect was to make the shit I sent them harder to read, when they were self-demonstratedly too bleeding stupid to tell the difference anyway. I asked them when they were going to realise that I had actually answered their silly question the first time round and move on from that point, instead of carrying on all the time as if I hadn't. And I asked them when they were going to even acknowledge the existence of the actual problem that had cropped up in the first place, which they still had not done.

Of course they took no fucking notice of any of these questions any more than they did of anything else I said.

Then they started making things even worse by increasing the number of stupid questions. They asked me how did I "fund the card". So I told them I do it via Paypoint, and pointed out that they knew this perfectly well anyway since money going onto the card showed up on their website labelled "Paypoint Load" so what the fuck were they asking me for at all.

By now it was no surprise when they responded to this answer in their standard fashion: sit on their arses for two months and then ask the same fucking question all over again just as if I'd never answered it at all.

After a few iterations of this, they then changed the stupid fucking question. They started asking me where I got the money from to put on the card. So I told them I don't "get it from" anywhere special, it's just whatever money I have left over to spend on what I want to after paying for all the shit I don't have any choice about, like food and bills and shit. If I have any at all that is. As if it was any of your fucking business anyway, you nosey fucking cunts.

Which of course got the same fucking useless response: re-ask the same fucking question a few times at two-monthly intervals as if I hadn't answered at all, then alter it to a slightly different question which was even more shit. This time the alteration was to ask me to send them "proof" of where I got it from. By which they meant copies of yet another stupid fucking item off another stupid fucking list containing only things I haven't fucking got.

In parallel with this fucking arse, they had also been steadily increasing the level of shite in the original stupid fucking question they'd been ignoring my original answer to all along; their list of stupid bloody bits of paper they wanted copies of got longer and longer, as they added more and more things which I haven't fucking got, and the number of items off the list they wanted me to send them got larger and larger in step.

To which I steadily responded that I'd already fucking answered this fucking question the first fucking time they fucking asked it, and it's not my fucking fault that they then sat on their arses for two months and fucking lost my answer or whatever they fucking did, so fucking well find it again and fucking move on from there, instead of trying to act as if I hadn't answered at all and asking it over and over a-fucking-gain and constantly adding more shit to it so now I can't answer it any more anyway. But of course they didn't, the cunts.

Eventually I just got sick to the fucking bollocks of their incredible stupidity and vast depths of ignorance. The experiment of trying to follow along and play their game in the hope that they would either inadvertently fix the real problem as some kind of side effect, or at least finally shut the fuck up about converting from the restricted card to the full version and start fucking listening to me about the real problem, had clearly and unquestionably utterly failed. They hadn't taken ANY notice of ANYTHING I sent them in the course of trying to play it their way, right the way through from my very first answer, so what the fuck was the point. If they weren't going to even fucking read anything I sent then obviously there would be no progress until they learnt to fucking read instead of trying to handle everything by chucking it at some stupid bloody incapable bot, so fuck trying to play it their way, the first priority had to be simply to try and get them to start reading anything.

So I told them that. I told them there was clearly no point trying to play their stupid fucking game since no intelligent being ever saw my responses anyway. I explained to them that their starting it in the first place was a mistake they had made as a result of not having any intelligent being read my original complaints right back at the start; I told them it was perfectly clear that all they had done was pass it to some stupid bot that had latched on to the key phrase "load limit reached" and issued a preset response despite it having fuck all to do with the actual problem. I pointed out that I didn't even fucking want an upgraded/derestricted/reviewed/whatever fucking stupid word they called it today version of the card since I didn't have enough money for it to be any use anyway, and all I wanted was for the original restricted card to stop being fucked and start working again the same as it always had done. I pointed out that they still had not done even the bare minimum of acknowledging the existence of the original problem, let alone made any attempt to fix it. I told them it was way beyond time that they stopped fucking about with irrelevant shite, and they needed to fucking well just drop it, erase from their records any notion of doing stupid things to my account that had nothing to do with the actual problem, go all the way back to my original complaint, start again from scratch and this time bloody fix it.

Of course no cunt took any notice. They just carried on sending me the same pointless fucking irrelevant shite, and ignoring anything and everything I sent to them.

I pointed out time and again that the actual problem was their internal computer systems puking their guts. I explained that there was unquestionable evidence of this in the form of the insanely impossible figures their website was showing for my account. All they had to do was look. I told them that since it was definitely an internal fault with their systems, it was utterly pointless to ask me to send them anything at all, since it wasn't down to anything I had access to. And copies of stupid bloody bits of paper which I haven't fucking got anyway are especially irrelevant. I told them to get their fucking thumbs out of their arses and fix their own bloody systems, and pack it the fuck in giving me grief as if it was my fault their systems are fucked.

They took no notice and carried on sending me the same old shite.

I told them that I didn't fucking want the unrestricted version of the fucking card anyway, and I had never fucking asked for it either. All I wanted was for the original restricted card to start working again the same as it always had done. I pointed out that I had deliberately chosen to sign up for the restricted version in the first place, precisely because I could get it without sending them a pile of meaningless arsewipe that I haven't fucking got anyway. I'm not going to try and sign up for the full version when I already know I can't fucking get it. I explained that all I was trying to get them to do was to unfuck the thing I'd signed up for in the first place, and it was totally fucking out of order for them to not bloody do that because they'd rather try and force me to change it to something I didn't bloody want instead.

I asked them if any actual human had ever read any of my emails at all, because as far as I could see there wasn't the slightest trace of intelligence behind any of the useless shit they sent me, and every single one of their so-called responses could have been produced by nothing more than a bot, an extremely crude bot at that, which completely ignored everything bar a handful of key phrases and used those to trigger sending a standard predefined response. (With some random name stuck on the bottom to try and make it look as if a person had sent it.) I asked them what the fuck I had to do to get even some vague approximation to an intelligent being to even try and read my emails.

I repeated time and again the detailed description of what the original problem had been, and its chronological progress from first showing up as an intermittent nuisance through getting progressively worse and worse until the card became completely fucking unusable. I explained as clearly as I knew how that the "load limit reached" errors were spurious, and were occurring despite the fact that the limit had not even been approached, therefore latching on to that one phrase to the exclusion of all else and sending out a standard response of "do this to increase your load limit" was a completely useless thing to do which was totally fucking irrelevant to what was actually going wrong. I pointed out that NOT ONCE, EVER, all the way through from the very first customer service request I had submitted, had they given ANY acknowledgement even of merely having read the description of the problem.

I told them that I still didn't actually know if they had ever been aware I was even having that problem. And indeed I still don't fucking know that. I still don't know if any actual human has ever read anything I sent or if it has all just gone to the same utterly fucking useless dysfunctional bot. (Well actually most of it seems to have just gone to /dev/null, but the odd bit that didn't only ever went to the fucking useless bot.)

My emails grew and grew until they were about as long as this page, repeating the same bloody points in different ways in the hope that even a little bit of information might be forced by the pressure into the microscopic space inside their neutronium skulls. Eventually I started re-sending copies of previous emails, varying only in the extra bit stuck on the top saying "You never fucking read this last time, so fucking well read it now" with different non-sweary phrasings.

None of it did any bloody good at all. I might just as well never have bothered reporting the card going screwy in the first place. The eventual result would have been the same but I would have saved a whole fucking pile of stress and anger yelling at fucking ignorant morons who never fucking read a word of it right from the original complaint. The card is still fucked and they still have done precisely fuck all to fix it or even to pretend to try.

Instead, around Christmas 2021 they changed their emails to saying "we are now going to close your account". To which I replied saying no you fucking aren't, you were supposed to fix it, you fucked it up instead, now fuck off with this "closing" shit and fucking well fix it like you should have fucking done years ago.

Their response was to ask me what account I wanted them to put the 6 quid odd into which is still stuck on the card and I can't spend it. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. I HAVEN'T GOT ANY OTHER FUCKING "ACCOUNT". THAT'S WHY I HAD THE FUCKING POCKIT CARD IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE. YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNTS.

And their response to being told that was to ask the same bloody stupid question again.

And their response to being told that again was to ask the same bloody stupid question again.

Fuck on a stick, what is fucking wrong with them. Why the fuck are they so bleeding thick they can't get it through their fucking heads that I haven't fucking got some other fucking account. What the fuck do they think is the fucking point of asking it again when I've told them I haven't fucking got one, do they think if they ask it often enough one will materialise by fucking magic or something?

And how the fuck do they think I could even fucking get one, when every fucking outfit now that does any sort of account won't do it without the same pile of stupid bloody bits of bollocks paper that I've already told Pockit I haven't fucking got? For fuck's sake, if it was even remotely possible I'd have got a different fucking card ages ago and told Pockit to go and fuck themselves. Why the fuck do they think I've expended so much grief trying to get them to unfuck my no-bollocks-required restricted card instead of just getting another one somewhere else? It's not like I haven't bloody looked, and looked, and looked, but now all the card outfits, without exception, are fucking liars and while some of them do say you can get a card without having to send in a load of shite I haven't got, if you actually try to do it they just take the signup fee off you and then say "ner ner ner, we lied, send us a pile of shite or you won't get your card, sucker".

And at the moment, that is how it rests. The card itself has now passed its expiry date, but the account still exists; I can still log into it even though I have to edit the URL a couple of times to bypass some stupid bollocks "send us a pile of shite" pages, and it still has 6 and a bit quid in it. I suppose it's a bit lucky in a way that their utter mindbending stupidity extends to not knowing what a postal order is, so the account is stuck in existence with them having rendered themselves unable to close it because they are too bleeding thick to realise that I do not need some fucking "account" for them to send me the money back. But it's still completely fucked up and unusable, and Pockit are still a bunch of unbelievably stupid, institutionally ignorant fucking utter cunts.

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