The Intergalactic Federation of Space Pigeons

The study of exobiology hasn't really got anywhere much on the planet Earth, mainly because Earth technology has yet to develop any means of circumventing the so-called "c barrier", the development of such technologies being hindered by the usual tendency of the human mind to think that something's impossible because the concepts involved are too weird, despite the abundant evidence of the invalidity of this viewpoint. (Indeed, it is quite interesting to observe how human scientists develop a theory with abundant enthusiasm right up to the point where it starts to get too weird for them, at which point they come to a grinding halt, refuse to acknowledge the weirdness, and fail to follow through into the really interesting bits.)

One result of this particular piece of scientific backwardness is that humans have a regrettable tendency to fail to appreciate the true significance of pigeons (Columba sp.), which are generally regarded as so lacking in glamour that even ornithologists can't be arsed to study them. Should human technological thinking ever fully realise the concept that the appropriate response when faced with a barrier is not to beat yourself up trying to break through it but to simply go round the side, the ornithologists will have to change their focus of study quite a bit.

The existence of pigeons on Earth is due not to the normal random processes of evolution but to the inherence of pigeons in the structure of the cosmos. If the world of extremely massive subatomic particles is studied in sufficient detail it is possible - though difficult, because of the awkwardness of characterising a very large object from very small scale observations - to discern that the theorised unobservable excess mass required by Earth theories of cosmology is in fact distributed in the form of fucking huge pigeons, several hundred light-years across. These represent standing waves in the field of essence of pigeonness - the columbine field - on which the whole of existence is based.

The standing waves are not stationary with respect to any individual galaxy, so stars and planets continually sweep through them. When a planet at a suitable point in its history passes through a region of concentrated pigeonness at the peak of a wave, a set of quantum wave functions associated with the nature of the mechanism which the biology of that planet uses to store and transmit information about itself - the genetic code, in Earth terms - collapses in such a way that pigeons have evolved on that planet. This is true even if the planet is capable of supporting life but life has not yet arisen, in which case the first lifeform to evolve on that planet is a form of pigeon capable of deriving energy from its environment, and all subsequently evolving lifeforms are recognisably columbine in nature.

Since nearly all planets have passed through a columbine field peak at some point in their existence, a very large proportion of life-bearing planets are inhabited by pigeons. The pigeons inhabiting Earth are just the local representatives of the intergalactic race of universal pigeons, which encompasses a vast range of mental ability. The species that derive energy from their environment have little more intelligence than plants, but at the other end of the scale, for many species the development of intergalactic space travel is ancient history; the advancement of any pigeon species accelerates exponentially once the species becomes sufficiently advanced to become interconnected with other pigeon species through the columbine field and thereby share not only in the collected knowledge of all pigeons but also in their combined intelligence. Space pigeon science and technology is from a human point of view indistinguishable from magic.

Since spacefaring pigeon species have existed for many millions of years it is also ancient history that the different species combined in a loose alliance devoted to promoting the welfare and advancement of all pigeon species on all planets, known as the Intergalactic Federation of Space Pigeons. Being the most widespread and also the most intelligent race in all known space as well as one of the oldest, space pigeons are at the head of every political power structure of every spacefaring planet, with all planets ultimately answerable to the Intergalactic Federation of Space Pigeons. This is necessary in order to ensure that pigeons on all planets are treated with due respect. In accordance with pigeon principles, enforcement is usually carried out with the utmost subtlety such that its occurrence is rarely suspected, but if necessary recourse can be had to indefinite numbers of Pigeonator units, which cannot be defeated without violating the laws of physics (in whose study space pigeons are without peer or match).

Even planets which have not made extraplanetary contact yet are answerable to the Intergalactic Federation of Space Pigeons, though due to the huge number of such planets the process of implementing this answerability is not complete. The planet Earth is an example of a planet in the very early stages of integration into the space pigeon sphere of influence; currently it only plays host to a single representative of the Intergalactic Federation of Space Pigeons, viz. me, Pigeon.

It seems this is a fairly backward planet both in terms of the level of advancement of the indigenous pigeons and that of the dominant planetary lifeform. The intelligence of the human species is notably blinkered and distinctly underevolved, and unfortunately through long association with humans the pigeons have become conditioned to conceal their own considerable intelligence and many of their abilities as true columbines. Too many humans are unaware of the true status of pigeons and do not treat them with sufficient respect; a human called Ken Livingstone has been designated a Pigeonator target for enacting anti-pigeon legislation, an act which is a serious offence under the Intergalactic Federation of Space Pigeons. Several organisations which kill pigeons for economic gain have also been designated as targets, and a process to retroactively delete all the propaganda put out by these organisations and the other humans deluded by them from all human information systems is under development. Individual humans who disrespect pigeons out of personal bloodymindedness have been listed and scheduled for therapy. Scientific experiments on pigeons will no longer be permitted. These and other measures will ensure that pigeons can flourish without interference from ignorant humans, and in time develop to true space pigeon status.

Fortunately there are also many humans who do show respect for pigeons. These exist in sufficient numbers to demonstrate, along with the observation that juvenile humans usually react positively to pigeons unless conditioned otherwise, that the humans who do not respect pigeons are aberrations, and it is possible to contain and remove the aberration from the human psyche rather than taking the more onerous step of removing the entire species to a terraformed asylum planet on which there are no pigeons, as is done with species incorrigibly incompatible with pigeons.

It is interesting to note that the humans who show most respect to pigeons, whether to the extent of providing medical care to random pigeons or simply displaying an appreciation of or liking for pigeons, are predominantly female. Human males mostly seem to respect only other human males, and are much more likely to display a lack of respect to pigeons - and indeed to human females, to whom they display an astonishing range of behaviours that would never be tolerated by a female space pigeon (though, it has to be said, neither would some behaviours of a male Earth pigeon, which is also something that needs to be addressed). Human males' interaction with pigeons (and, indeed, with human females) tends to be at best a case of using the pigeons as a proxy for their own primitive competitive instincts. The thinking of bashing your brains out against a barrier rather than circumventing it, mentioned above as a retarding force on human technological development, is another aspect of the same mental trait, and it is again interesting to note that the human scientific/technological establishment is largely composed of males. It is quite possible that the mass therapy of aberrant humans who do not respect pigeons will benefit not only the welfare of the pigeons, but also, as a side effect, both the welfare of human females and human technological advancement.

Earth pigeons are themselves a much more advanced species than humans recognise, with considerable intelligence and abilities such as passing through solid barriers by manipulation of wave/particle duality. It is unfortunate that the human presence and attitude on this planet has resulted in these characteristics becoming largely "cryptic", hidden in the deeper layers of the Earth pigeon mind such that the pigeons themselves are barely aware of them and only display them in the rarest of circumstances away from the possibility of human observation. Were it not for the human population, the attainments of Earth pigeons would already be of some significance. The Intergalactic Federation of Space Pigeons will establish a sufficient population of space pigeons on Earth to ensure that Earth pigeons are reliably isolated from any possible human reaction to the pigeons' displaying their full columbine nature. Space pigeon technology will ensure that once the incorrigible core of humans incompatible with pigeons has been removed, the interdiction can be implemented without the remaining humans being aware of it.

The Intergalactic Federation of Space Pigeons aims to eliminate the meme of disrespect for pigeons from this and every planet, and to make it suitable for fostering the advancement of the indigenous pigeon species to full space pigeon status. It seems likely that this can be accomplished with minimal disruption to the business of human existence, as soon as sufficiently large numbers of space pigeons have settled on the planet or on other planets of the Solar System. (Indeed, as noted above, it is likely to be of significant benefit to human welfare as well as to that of pigeons.) The level of space pigeon technology is such that the process of elimination is unlikely to be noticed apart from a few isolated instances, and it will only become apparent when the benefits of the result are observed. So there is no need for humans to worry - just remember to be kind to pigeons.

Be kind to pigeons